Shades of Blue

As Above, So Below

2011-12-09T21:21:00.001-07:00

So, I've had an interest in astrology for most of my life, but off-and-on. Always in waves. Recently, It's been a little stronger. I've never gotten very far with my birth-chart, but am trying.

I guess the first thing I noticed that didn't quite ring true to me is the 'hemispheres' thing. According to what I've read, the fact that almost all my planets (all but one 'personal' planet) are on the top half of the chart, indicates an extrovert, or someone who loves to be in the public eye. Which is pretty far from the truth for me.

The Sun and Moon in Pisces rings pretty true. I've always been very Piscean. I can even get the Taurus Rising, because I have learned to stand up for myself very well when I need to, and do enjoy beautiful and comfortable things.

I think I struggle with the houses. From what I've seen, I guess there are dozens of different systems, which can all change your chart entirely. In the automatic format on the website I used, I have four retrograde planets (Mars, Saturn, Pluto, Jupiter) in my sixth house. Jupiter in Scorpio, the other three in Libra.

I'd be interested in learning about transits, but I haven't found the right source yet, I don't think. I'll keep looking.

I guess my little quest here is an attempt to better follow the patterns, rhythms, cycles of the universe. Everything is just a bigger or smaller version of everything else. It can't hurt to get a feel for the beat and try to follow along, right?

I've been back into Tarot as well the past few months, but currently the astrology ebb feels stronger.

A List

2011-08-19T08:48:00.004-07:00

Things I'd like to get better at:

Gardening

Where I'm at currently: Maybe 2 out of 10. After 6 years in my current house, I've finally managed to keep some flowers alive in one of my front gardens. Goblin Blanket Flowers. Un-killable. I also have Irises whos leaves come back every year, but never a flower to be seen, and I have a second garden out front which is just overgrown with grass and weeds and the odd wildflower (which I oddly feel 'proud' of when I spot them, go figure). All backyard gardens have turned back into lawn or jungly corners. We also have a few plants inside, but we go in phases in terms of how good we are at keeping them alive.

Where I'd like to be: I would like to have 'pretty' front gardens - Figure out how to keep a flower garden looking nice in the "in-between" phases, keep on top of the weeding, Figure out what flowers are happy in which spots, etc. Ultimately, though, I would love to put some vegetable gardens in the back yard and manage to grow a variety of edible stuff. I'm not sure why, but eating food from one's own garden is incredibly sexy to me. I really can't explain. I just feel like it's next to enlightenment. In terms of the indoor plants, I think homes should be full of life, whether it's people, animals, or plants. Unfortunately, we have 3 cats who own the sunbeams and eat whatever green things they can get their teeth on. So this makes it tough for us to give our indoor plants the sun they desire. We're currently working on trying to find plants that do well with little to no direct sun. Also, brainstorming on mid-window shelves that could theoretically thwart the kitty-demons.

Sewing

Where I'm at currently: I can sew on buttons. I never took home ec. in school. I have been known to use a stapler to hem pants. I just got a REAL sewing machine as a wedding gift.

Where I'd like to be: I don't really know. This is actually relatively newly awakened in me. I'm going to take a few little lessons to learn how to use my sewing machine, and from there I intend to play, play, play. Ultimately I think it would be amazing to be able to sew some clothes. I've been drawing design ideas since I was about 8 years old. Perhaps Ziggy could be re-upholstered? New curtains? New curtains for every window in the house? Hell, I was even brainstorming the other night about fabric on ceilings. We shall see.

Cooking/Baking

Where I'm at currently: I enjoy cooking, and baking, but I don't really know my stuff. I recently made my first ever from-scratch layer cake (lemon birthday cake for Brian), and it looked like a lopsided pile of goo - but MAN did it taste good! I am amazed when I watch other people cook. It looks so simple. It IS so simple - but somehow I have trouble translating it when I try on my own. I can follow a recipe, and I can put stuff together in a dish. But I'd love to learn the theory behind it, so I can really understand and expand what I'm doing in the kitchen.

Where I'd like to be: I would like to be able to look at a fridge or a pantry full of ingredients, and be able to come up with dinner ideas off the top of my head. I'm really good at putting random stuff together and calling it dinner. Stir Fry? Check. Random cooked veggies? Check. Random veggies and pasta? Check. Random salad-o-stuff? Check. But ask me to make a specific sauce, or a specific flavor, I get lost. I'd love to take some classes - and have every intention of doing so in the next year or so. I've even considered culinary school as an artsy-but-practical option after I have kids.

Housekeeping

Where I'm at currently: I'd rather not say... I mean, we don't live in a dump, it's not infested or mouldy or dangerous. It's just not exactly neat and tidy. When people come to visit us, we go hard for a day and get it all nice and shiny clean. After that we have really good intentions of doing a little bit every day to KEEP it that clean. But after a week or so it starts to go back to what it was. Really, neither one of us is good at keeping right on top of housework. I have tried all sorts of systems and schedules... But I'll go hard one day, feel really good about it, and then when I go to tidy something up the following day, my brain does this whole "but I just did housework YESTERDAY!" and convinces me I deserve to skip it. And the longer that goes on, the harder it seems to fix it, etc, etc.

Where I'd like to be: I'd like it to be such a part of the routine, that it never seems like a HUGE daunting task that needs to be tackled. Anyone who knows me and knew my mother can see these pieces of her in me. She was CONSTANTLY stressed out about the messy/dirty house. She never got a system going, it was a constant fight growing up. She'd yell at me to clean my room, but her room was worse than mine! As an adult, my bedroom is actually pretty tidy. But that's besides the point. I know that for most people cleaning house IS a part of the daily routine, like eating or walking the dog or whatever else you do every day without question. I would really like to make my peace with housework before I have kids, because I don't want it to be a constant source of anger and fighting. It should be just a part of daily life.

Health Issues

Where I'm at currently: I'm doing okay. I've been to see my endocrinologist (thyroid specialist) a few times now, and feel like she's working with me, rather than what my GP did, which was "take your pills and suck it up". I mean, there's still that, of course, but to illustrate the difference: I had my blood tested in June. The results were sent to both doctors. My specialist's office called me and said, "Your level came back a little high, so we're going to put you on a lower dosage, and you should get your blood tested again in a month". My GP's office called the following day and said "Your level came back a little high - keep doing what you're doing, and get your blood tested again in 3 months". On other health-related topics, my LEEP (the removal of a chunk of my cervix) went fine, and I have a follow-up colposcopy at the end of September. If that comes back fine, then this whole cervix scare is over, and I can go back to my regular pap tests etc, feeling 80-90% sure that I'll never have 'scary cells' on my cervix again.

Where I'd like to be: I wish my body would sort itself out already, so we can start trying to have babies. I've been waiting to be a mom my entire life. I am finally so close to the point where I can start actively moving towards that - but it still seems so far out of reach! I have to wait for this cervix stuff to be dealt with, so I can have a nice big "healthy" checkmark there... But then I need to go off my birth control pills a few months before we actually start 'trying', because when I go off those pills, it'll affect my thyroid level, and we'll need to be sure that's solid before I get pregnant. I think the current planned timeframe is to actually start 'trying' next spring. But it still seems so far away. I'll be 30 by then. Which I'm not freaking out about, but there's the little voice in the back of my brain saying "it's all downhill from here, shoulda done it when you were younger!"

Health / Fitness:

Where I'm at currently: I ran a 5K race last weekend. That made me feel really proud. I had intended it to be the only one, I would then cross "running" off my list. But it was so much fun, I want to do it again! So I've now embarked on a new running program, and am considering signing up for another 5K in November.

Where I'd like to be: Really I just want to figure out a pattern of life that includes physical fitness in a way that it doesn't feel like a chore. I know it's possible. I did it yeeeeears ago with yoga. I would like to lose about 20 pounds and keep it off - but the 'number' is not really that important. I just want to be as healthy as I can be. This also ties into the fertility thing. In trying to be as prepared as possible when the time comes, I've been doing TONS of reading on the subject - and the loud-and-clear message I'm getting is that pre-pregnancy, the best thing I can do is be as healthy as possible. Which has really always been my goal - with admittedly mixed results.

Creativity

Where I'm at currently: I have not been paying attention to this lately. I've been almost completely ignoring Flickr for months at a time, for the past year or so. I've still been taking some pictures, but they sit in the dark in a file somewhere - why am I no longer showing my work? I did some painting a couple weeks ago on a whim. Came up with what would amount to doodles, really. I've been coming up with some interesting ideas in various art forms, but nothing is actually being acted on.

Where I'd like to be: I just want art to remain an important part of my world. Through whatever medium, it doesn't matter. Maybe my new sewing machine will expand my art in a new direction. I'm not sure. A year ago I was feeling a huge thirst for art - painting, writing, etc. But currently I feel a very different force - Can you tell what it is, just looking at this list?

Travel

Where I'm at currently: We haven't done much of it this year. In fact, we've only had our one little two week trip to BC to get married. Part of this is due to Brian having less time off at his new company than his old one. Part of it is due to money being much tighter due to wedding stuff.

Where I'd like to be: I've missed the little adventures this year. I know sometimes real life comes in and says "No, you have to stay at work and deal with the daily grind a little longer". And I can deal with that. I know we've been doing WAY more travelling over the past 5 years than most people get to do. I know when we have kids, the trips will get shorter, and stay closer to home. But I'd like to keep them going. It's important to us to be able to escape real life once in a while. We are currently planning a Honeymoon 2.0 next spring in the Mediterranean. We're even looking at (small) cruise ships. Found one that goes from Turkey to Italy, with several stops in each, plus Croatia and Greece in the middle. It's pretty high up the list at the moment, but we're still weighing options.

~~~

I'm feeling a very strong pull towards nesting. I feel like I want to stay home and work on these things. I want to make our home a more wonderful place. I want to work on learning all these little things that I just can't work on when I'm away from it.

Being that it's still August, we are out and about and have stuff going on all the time. Very little time to just be home, in our space. I crave that time, but I also know it will herald the coming of winter - so I'm not wishing for it too loudly.

If anyone has any helpful bits of advice in any of these categories, please do share! Even websites or classes or whatever - I'm open to suggestions!

Apologies if this post is looong and disjointed... Although I guess most of them tend to be. Tah for now.

Huh.

2011-03-18T21:06:00.002-07:00

So, it's been a while since I've posted. When I say a while, I mean about four months. But it has been a big 4 months.

In mid December, Brian and I got engaged at one of our favorite Calgary restaurants - Pulcinella, in Kensington. We are getting married in July this year, in my aunt's backyard in Coldstream BC.

For Christmas, we went West - Vernon to visit Brian's dad, and White Rock to visit his mom.

I turned 29 at the end of February.

March 1, I had a colposcopy done. This was basically a magnified look at and a few biopsies of, my cervix.

Mid March (today to be precise) I got the results of those biopsies - one of them showed high-grade cell changes... The next step? L.E.E.P. This stands for Loop Electrosurgical Excision Procedure.

I wish I was joking. They'll locally freeze me (like the dentist) and then pass this electrified wire loop through my cervix, hopefully removing all these cells that may or may not ever turn into cancer.

I am scared. I don't really know what I'm scared of. I know I'm not going to die. I know the worst pain of it is when the freezing goes in, then comes out later. One internet testimonial said she could "smell her own flesh burning"... I really hope she is over-dramatic and imagining things.

I apologize if this is all too much info... I have no idea who reads this, if anyone, so no idea what audience to aim for... Therefore, brutal honest truth seems like the best bet...

One other thing worrying me is the timing of the appointment. I was told at some point that they prioritize appointments - so the fact that my colposcopy was scheduled 3 months out, meant they weren't too worried. So should I worry about the fact that my LEEP appointment is scheduled a week from today? Does that mean they're worried? Or does that only really apply to the investigative stage? Maybe LEEPs are always booked in the next week or so. I don't know.

Maybe I'm thinking too much about the whole thing.

I'll be fine.

Work is... Worrisome. That's not the right word, but I don't know what is. I am trying to figure out how to do my job in Calgary. That is basically my problem. My job would best be done from the field. All the fields. All over Alberta, with a little Northern BC and Southern Saskatchewan. I don't want to spend all my time in the field. My time at home is so precious to me, and I am terrified of compromising it.

This is just something I need to figure out. I don't know how, but the way life works is that some day when everything has gone far enough as it has, something'll give. Something will change, and things will fall into place where they should.

I've been badly craving travel. Big travel. Even warm travel. Somewhere far away from home. I really, very badly want to jump on a plane and go somewhere else. See something new, taste the food, play in the ocean. But I know this is not something I can just snap my fingers and make happen.

I mean, technically we could... But money's tight - we've got the wedding to pay for, and some vet issues with the kitty-cats... Not to mention, Brian thinks we should sell our cars and buy a new one. Not now, but I think he's hoping for fall-ish.

Even the question of honeymoon remains unanswered. Brian switched jobs a few weeks ago, meaning that vacation time will be tight for him this year - and he's already taking time off for the wedding itself.

I know the travel will happen - we'll make it. But for now, the wait seems long.

Artist

2010-11-18T11:12:00.003-07:00

To what.
To write?
To share, release.

I want.
I should?
I think, thought.

But how.
But where?
But nothing, excuse.

~~~

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be an artist when I grew up. I remember my mom telling me very early-on that artists are poor and sad, and that I should set my sights on anything but that.

Writing seemed like a more practical form of art, and so I pursued that. I entered writing competitions, and won them. I was chosen to attend writing conferences, and knew it was something I loved and was good at.

I wrote poetry, I wrote stories, I wrote characters. For a long time in my teens, I was fascinated by writing about imaginary people. I would create a new person or group of people, and write every detail about their lives and personalities. Sometimes there would be stories attached to these people, sometimes there wouldn't be. 95 percent of my characters were women, because I didn't understand males in the least. Whenever I tried to create boy characters, they always wound up pretty effeminate.

I know that a lot of young writers put themselves in their stories, or idealized versions of themselves. But I was always very careful to be writing about different people. Sometimes I tried to create characters that I felt were 'opposite' of who I was, in order to try to see things from that other side. Infact, whenever I'd try to make myself into a 'character', I found I just couldn't find the words. This is likely because real people can't really be defined. So much of who we are is every little experience in our lives. I know 'me' so well that it's impossible to know where to start or finish.

I've written about some individual times in my life, admittedly harboring a deep dark desire to write an entire autobiography one day... But these wind up sounding very much like journal entries - and this frustrates me.

In my adult life, I've gone away from writing for the most part. I would love to get back to it, but my ego is in the way. I want to write something I'm proud of. But it's been so long, I'm not really sure I know how to write anything but journal entries anymore.

And my higher self says 'who cares what you write? Just write'. And my ego is afraid of failure to produce something worthwhile.

And I know so many artists with this same destructive whirlwind in their heads, that it seems even though my mom warned me to be anything but that, perhaps I had no choice in the matter - an artist I already was, am, and will be.

Venting...

2010-09-27T09:20:00.003-07:00

So, I will preface this with a bit of a caveat. I know that, in the big picture, I have nothing to complain about. I know I have a good job and live in a safe, warm, place, and I am relatively healthy and all the rest. I know this, and realize that I am better off than millions, likely billions of people.

We all know this, we are all in the top 10% of lucky people. But this does not stop us from worrying and stressing-out and being frustrated with our lives sometimes.

In the fall, I find it a very cozy season, where I want to draw into myself, and focus on making my home and self happy and healthy. But this season, it seems, I am not to have that chance yet.

I have friends I've been neglecting. Not on purpose - but just by the way life happens. One of my very best friends I haven't seen since April. Her little boy is growing up so fast, and I swore I'd be right there watching every step of the way, and I haven't. I live on the opposite side of a gigantic city, and somehow something always comes up. On my end or theirs, and I'm missing them so so much. Even friends closer to me geographically, say 'hey, let's make plans'... I say 'yeah, for sure let's do that..." But then nothing happens. And I feel like I'm letting them down. And it's not that I don't want to see them, I REALLY do. And always feel better after seeing them. But in the immediate here-and-now all I want to do is hide from the things that are worrying me.

I have Grandparents on both sides who are sick and frail and not quite here and not quite gone. My maternal Grandmother doesn't recognize us granddaughters, and I don't know what to say or how to feel about it, except sad. And so, I usually have something else I'd rather do than to visit, as much as I feel so evil saying it. My paternal Grandmother recently was placed in a 'care facility' because she stopped recognizing her husband of 70 years. She is not being told the truth about where she is, or where her husband is, because the doctors don't think she can handle the fact that she won't be going home, and won't live with my grandfather anymore. And then there's my grandfather - who is physically and mentally remarkably healthy, but so so heart-sick, because of his wife's mental and physical sickness, and feels that it is HIS JOB ALONE to care for her and provide all the help she needs. It's been that way for 70 years, how can he do anything different now? They are living about 30 minutes away from eachother right now, and he hasn't driven more than 10 minutes for years, so can only visit her a few times a week, when other relatives drive him over there. We hope so dearly that he will pick up some of his old hobbies and interests again now that she won't be his full time job anymore, but are so so worried that he will just be lost without her.

And, more selfishly, I am stressed out about work. I was in the field (Whitecourt) last week all week, and tomorrow I leave (Athabasca, Whitecourt, Swant Hills) for another four days. Then I get to be home for 2 weeks, and then have another solid week in/around Fairview. This sort of travel wears me out. It uses me up and runs me down. I'm not sure what it is that is so exhausting, but I always come home feeling like I haven't slept in days. Last week I got home on Thursday, and stayed home on Friday - and slept in until 12, making that 14 hours of sleep. That is not normal!!!

When I travel with Brian, it is exciting and it lifts me up. It makes me so happy with myself and my life, and has really transformative, even healing powers. Travel for fun can heal so much in me. But this business travel stuff... Just pulls me out of my environment, my patterns, my safe places. It forces me out and puts me in situations I am not familiar or comfortable with, and I just have to deal. When I am on these trips, I can't stop worrying about whether the projector bulb will burn out, or my company-loaner-laptop will die on me, or corrupt my files. Or what if a moose wanders across the highway in front of me and I land in the ditch? Or what if I don't know the edges of the monstrous truck I've rented, and side-swipe someone else? What if I'm not entirely safe out there on my own? What if someone has miscommunicated the schedule, and I show up a couple days early, or a couple hours late? What if my alarm doesn't go off? What if I can't find the field office and have no cell reception to call for better directions? What if ANYTHING goes wrong while I have no cell reception? What about the BIG things? Plane crash, car crash, anything...

I know these things can happen anywhere at anytime... But I feel so much more vulnerable to it when I'm out there by myself, in a place I don't know, and to some extent don't understand.

This is a part of my job, and I know that. I have always made sure my boss knows I can only handle a certain level of it. In the past, it's generally been a field trip of a few days, every 3 months or so. When it happens like that, it's short and I can just hold my breath and deal with it, and come out saying "that wasn't so bad". But when it's 3 out of 5 weeks in a row, it gets to me. I've often said that if it got that frequent, I would quit. But I know this is not permanent. It's just right now. And partly because I didn't do much travel earlier in the year, so it's just getting all stacked up now, while everyone's panicking that we're heading into Q4 and still have a long list of stuff to get done. And I'm pretty sure after Fairview in October, that will be it for the year... And I MAY not have to travel next year.

And this is yet one more bit of aggravation in my life... I don't really know how much detail I should have on here, regarding my job. So I will try to keep it minimal, and apologize if it is way too vague to get. But there is a certain 'process' that I run here. There's this one 'thing' I'm in charge of, and it's currently done in a spreadsheet form. Various spreadsheets - approximately 150. I have recently been informed that this 'process' is changing. They're going to a database of sorts. It'll be more automatic, but cover-off a lot more than our current process does. And this is honestly pretty-much all I know. My boss has told me two things:

1. Your work life will change drastically.

2. You'll still have a job... Honest.

So I've been told this new process will require very minimal human input, and that my job will be to oversee it. To me, this raises an eyebrow. Am I being replaced by a computer, or not? It makes sense for the process to go this way, and if that's the fact, then I just want to know about it. But they insist I won't be out of a job... without actually telling me what my job might consist of. Does this seem odd to anyone else? Could they be setting up to lay me off, without telling me ahead of time so I keep up the 'good work' in the mean-time? I mean, I don't think so... But there's this little voice at the back of my head...

And, I think that's all the whining that's fit to share... I don't mean to whine, I really don't. But sometimes it just builds up and up and I've gotta let it out somehow. This morning I've been having problems with some new rules about how we can and cannot move files around, and it's making everything that much more complicated and annoying, and I was either about to scream or throw something, and thought a little rant might get some of this worry and frustration off my chest.

I know it doesn't fix anything, and I know I still need to figure out how to be there for my family and friends and job all at the same time, with no energy whatsoever.

Although... I've finally got an appointment with an endocrinologist in late October. Endocrinology is the study of hormones, and of course my thyroid problems are hormone problems, and my own doctor has stuck me on pills and advised me to "just deal with it" for about 10 years now. My boss was the one who actually suggested I see a specialist. Maybe she will also tell me to just deal with it, and then I'll continue to do that as best I can - but at least she might be in a position to answer my questions which I've previously only been able to turn to the internet for. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but sometimes hypothyroid sufferers do find a new doctor who manages to find a fix that turns their whole lives around... I can't even imagine how awesome it would be if my metabolism suddenly started to work properly! Omg! Energy, what's that???

Haha. Okay, enough is enough. I actually have a LOT of work to get done here before heading north again tomorrow... So instead of procrastinating and whining, I'm going to go try to get it done now. Wish me luck!

In the Middle

2010-08-16T21:27:00.001-07:00

Her Fearful Symmetry, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I've just finished reading Her Fearful Symmetry, by Audrey Niffenegger. It was good. It was interesting, dark, bizarre, organic, and original. It didn't change my world, but was a good read. It kept me interested - and in the final third, I didn't want to put it down. I can't say everyone should read it, because I'm sure a lot would hate it... But I recommend it as it is - dark, strange, interesting.

And now, I'm in that frustrating limbo between books. I don't know what to read next... I don't have anything all lined up.

This is the author's second novel - her first was The Time Traveller's Wife, which was obviously hugely popular. I haven't read that, and it's been added to my list... But I don't own it.

I am two thirds of the way through the Millenium trilogy, but I'm waiting for the third book to come out in soft cover... Whenever that may be.

Pillars of the Earth keeps coming up, and has been on my list for years... I even owned it in hardcover for a while, but lent it out and haven't seen it again... My sister may have the soft cover to lend me... But again, who knows when that will happen...

I think before bed tonight I'll stare down my bookshelf... I know there are books in there that I haven't read, but want to. Just can't think of them right off the bat...

Back Again... Hello.

2010-08-10T22:24:00.002-07:00

Dark Veranda Room, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I've been away for a while, which was mostly not on purpose. Last I blogged here was in March. Of the things I mentioned there...

The job Brian applied for fell-through, but he's still looking around for work in Vancouver. Apparently his industry is a little saturated out there right now, but I know if it's meant to happen, it will.

On the other topic I spoke of... The changes to my family. My dad married Pam on August 7. It was a beautiful little wedding in their back yard. It was just them, the marriage commissioner, the 5 daughters, and 3 SOs (Adam - Liz's husband, Chris - Brianne's boyfriend, and of course Brian). At least 3 of us daughters bawled when Dad and Pam did their vows. It was such an amazing outpouring of emotion... Completely unbridled. They really are so in love - it's amazing to see, and I'm so so happy for them both.

It was also nice to get to know my new step sisters a little. Brian and I seem to have some stuff in common with Liz and Adam, and it's unfortunate they live so far away. We don't usually make it as far as Castlegar on our little Ziggy road trips, but perhaps we'll make an effort, now that we have a reason to. They spoke of an interest in purchasing some kind of camper van, which we whole-heartedly encouraged - perhaps we can meet halfway for some camping trips down the road.

Also exciting - Liz and Adam are expecting their first baby in February, so I'm gonna be a step-auntie! This excites me to no end. Not only for my own selfish child-adoring reasons, but also because my dad has been whining about wanting grand kids for a few years now, and although it wasn't me or Bri first, I'm happy that he'll get to finally be a grandpa. I've always thought he'll be a great one.

Being summer time, Brian and I are taking full advantage of the warm weather, and doing tons of traveling. We spent most of the month of June on the East Coast, and since getting back we've been out camping in Ziggy pretty-much every second weekend. We've also been photographing a few weddings (4 so-far this year). For full coverage of our wild 'n' crazy travels, as always... Check out our travel blog at www.twobsinablog.ca - we update that fairly regularly.

In late 2009, I gained a bunch of weight, due to various things. Partly health, partly bad food choices and laziness... So in 2010 I decided to try really hard to bring my weight back down to where it should be... I managed to come down about 10-15 pounds by June, then gained it all back on the East Coast. That's what happens when all you do is eat and drink. Ha! However, once I returned home, the weight did not go away again - infact I continued to gain. So I'm once again staring myself down, going - This is not okay. This needs to stop. I need to quit pampering myself, and work hard to get back into shape.

I've been totally bored by my workouts at the gym. I decided a couple weeks ago to start attending the lunch hour fitness classes they offer. As a member, it's free for me to drop in, they're different every day of the week, and advanced enough to keep regulars working hard... I attended a few of these classes a couple years ago, and they were so hard I was limping for days, and decided not to go back until I was totally back in shape. But I've now realized that's ridiculous. And if I just suck it up and force my way through them, it'll get me into that fitness level that I'm striving for.

I attended my first ever spin class (followed by a 20 minute core strength class), which was exhausting, but I'm excited to keep it up. This class happens on Fridays.

On Monday, they offer a class called 'Muscle Works' which is what it sounds like - a strength class, using weights and medicine balls. I did that on Monday, and my thighs, bum, and shoulders are insanely sore. Despite this, I still went and did a cardio workout on my own today. I considered the Tuesday class, which is a step aerobics class... But I'm really not an aerobics girl, and I figured the solitary cardio was better than nothing.

Tomorrow's class is called "On-The-Ball Training", which is a strength-focused class using stability balls, BOSU balls, and medicine balls. I love this class. I may or may not attend tomorrow, still being pretty sore from Monday.

I have a co-worker who is incredibly active (she plays sports and attends bootcamps, etc - every single day), and she tells me that the best way to deal with sore muscles is to keep using them. And I have been experiencing the fact that the more I move, the more they're okay, it's only after sitting still for a while, that it hurts to move. But a full-on class?

I will probably try, because she's a good motivator, and knowing she's rooting for me helps. And because I know tomorrow afternoon she'll track me down and ask how it went... I don't want to have to tell her I chickened out and went for the elliptical again. Ha.

Otherwise... Art... I've been extremely procrastinatey (it's a word now) on my photos lately... Multiple months of nothing... I think I've just been away from the cyber world. I've been taking photos, but not processing or posting. I'm working on them now, aiming at 5 per night... I have a lot to get through.

And last I posted here, I was in the midst of a drawing class at ACAD... I loved that class. It was so great for me, in so many ways. I'm thinking of taking another class in the fall. Possibly an intro to painting this time? I'd have to decide between acrylic, watercolor, and oil... I think you're supposed to start with one of the two formers... I have always used acrylics in the past... Maybe I should take all three? Or perhaps I should carry on with drawing... There's figure drawing, landscape drawing, perspective drawing, 3d drawing... Or in an entirely different vein, I could give sculpture or fabrics or jewellery making a try...

Or... I've also been thinking about creative writing classes, and even piano lessons. I have a piano. I played all throughout my childhood. I'd love to get back to it. I suppose all it would take is practice...

I've been reading a lot. I read the first two books in The Millenium Trilogy, which are not really in my usual genre - but I liked them. They are translated from Sweden, and I suppose would fit under the Thriller category? There are subtitled movies out for the books, but I want to read the third before watching the movies. The third book is out, but only in hardcover... I'm waiting for soft.

I also read Eat, Pray, Love. I figured it would be a nice, light, vacation read. I didn't expect to care about it all that much - but I absolutely loved it. The wisdom in this book floored me - I hope to come back to read this book again, I think a lot of people could learn so much from this book... It really touched me. Aaaaand made me want to travel. Even more than usual... However, there is also a movie out based on this book and I am TERRIFIED to see it. I mean, I want to... I'm curious... But I'm so scared that they've turned it into some stupid fluffy chick flick. Even one of the lines in a preview made a statement that was totally opposite to the point of the book... I dunno. We'll see...

Currently I am reading a strange little book called "Her Fearful Symmetry". It's about a couple of mirror twins (identical, but opposite - one of them literally has all her organs on the 'wrong' side) whos mysterious British aunt dies and leaves them everything in her will, as long as they live together in her Flat for one year (which borders on the famous Highgate Cemetery), and their parents are never to set foot in it. It's a love story, a ghost story, a story of family secrets and London history... Dark and funny and organic. I'm just over two thirds of the way through, and I'm fascinated to find out what happens, but I also don't want to finish it, because it's great. It was written by the author of The Time Traveller's Wife... Which I haven't read - but think it may be up next on my list.

Also possibly upcoming on my list of reading... I'd like to find a good biography (possibly historical novel, whatever) on Mata Hari. I read a few online articles about her story, and it sounds fascinating, and a little tragic. Right up my alley.

For now, it's late... I need to get to bed, rest my poor muscles and brain...

I am planning to try to keep this up more often... But we'll see. We all know how procrastinatey I am in general...

The Wheel Turns...

2010-03-10T08:28:00.003-07:00

That is a phrase my dad has used often as we get older. He basically uses it to assure us that he understands when things change...

Like when I was 16, and wanted to hang out with my friends on weekends, rather than go to his place. He understood, and explained that "the wheel turns, and there's no point in trying to stop it. Things will change, and holding on to old patterns won't help anyone".

He started taking me out for dinner every week or two, to catch up. This was the pattern for many many years - No matter what was going on in my life or where I was, we'd catch up over dinner, just the two of us. After I'd been dating Brian for a while and it was apparent it was 'serious', he suggested I start bringing Brian along, because the wheel had turned again.

After my mom died in 2003, and Christmas moved to dad's house, and it wasn't the same - he explained that it couldn't be the same, and we need to turn with the wheel.

Much more recently, this phrase has come up again. Something that was always one way is changing. And we can't be afraid of it just because it's change. The wheel turns.

My parents split up 23 years ago. To my knowledge, my mom never dated again, and neither did my dad - until now. In August, he fell madly in love with a woman named Pam. This past weekend, he proposed to her, and she said yes. They will be married on August 14 of this year. The wheel turns.

I'm really happy for them, honestly. They do seem perfect for eachother in many ways. I don't think I've EVER seen my dad as happy as he has been in the last 6 months or so. They are talking about these great adventures that my dad gave up on long ago. He hasn't done much travel at all in the last 25 or so years, but they have all sorts of ideas - biking across France, and buying an A-frame on a property in the woods, with a little trickling stream...

This also means I will get 2 step-sisters. Rachel and Liz. They are both in their early 30's. Rachel lives in Red Deer, and Liz is married and lives in Castlegar (BC). I met Rachel at Christmas time, but haven't met Liz. According to my dad, Rachel is more like Tarah (my older sister), and Liz is more like Brianne (my younger sister) and I. Buuuuut who knows what that means, ya know?

It is very strange when your immediate family changes... Either through the loss of someone, or the addition of someone... It's tough to know how dynamics will shift. But we'll just turn with the wheel, and old patterns will turn into new patterns, which eventually will be old ones again.

~~~

In an entirely different vein, there may be another turn of the wheel coming up. Brian is applying for a job at UBC. It would be an amazing opportunity for him if he gets it. It would obviously mean we'd be moving to Vancouver - which is something we've been toying with for a year or two. It's not for sure of course - just a job application sent out into the universe... We'll see what comes out of it.

~~~

I had to get some thoughts out of my head, but now I should get back to work...

Feb. 21.

2010-02-21T23:14:00.003-07:00

Purple Sea, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I was sick last week. Getting mostly over the cold by now. Still some coughing and a headache, but nothing serious. Back to work tomorrow. I am stressed out about work. Like, serious knot-in-stomach stressed. Don't really know why, can't really explain it. I think I'll be fine, but what I think and feel are usually two separate things.

My birthday is this week. My 'family' birthday dinner worries me, as usual. Something else I can't logically explain.

My dreams have been vivid, which makes me glad. I love when my dreams get vivid and detailed. When the spin is good, they're like little mini vacations.

Speaking of mini vacations, B and I drove out to Banff last weekend, and Canmore today. Our tiny escapes are important for our psyches, but they also mean we ignore our home. It's tough to find the balance sometimes, between work, home, and escape.

I'm loving my drawing class. I will definitely be taking more classes in the fall. But I'm struggling with whether or not I should apply as a 'real' part-time student. Should I be taking classes I can get credits for? I mean, it would take ten or twenty years to actually obtain a degree, one or two classes at a time. And I'm worried about it cutting down my options. Would I need to choose a 'direction' right away? If I stick with the 'credit free' classes, I can take whichever class tickles my fancy each semester. I'll never have any 'credits' to show for it, but do I need them? I'll love the journey, regardless.

I'm just excited to feel like an artist again. I want to feed that side of me. Honestly, I want to give it more than I can afford to. I know I need to stay practical. But again, logic has nothing to do with what I feel.

I was digging through some old photos from our trip to Europe, and found this one. I took it at Montorosso, Italy. There is something in the look on my face here, my eyes, my mouth, I don't know... Something struck me.

And now, although I'm avoiding it, because it means the weekend is over and the week is about to start... I need to go to bed. It's a quarter past eleven, and I've got a BIG week ahead of me...

Dreams & Stuff.

2010-02-18T21:23:00.003-07:00

They've been about travel lately, and water. But that's not new. I'd say 95% of my dreams are about travel, and largely involve water. Some vivid scenes of late:

Somewhere tropical, perhaps Jamaica. Stormy and wet, but warm and exotic. Buildings - rooftops and towers. A feeling of exploration, and discovery. A specific scene that I think was related to this dream...

I find a bench along a coastline, much like my 'Brandi Bench' (I have a little wooden bench since I was a baby, that has colorful puzzle pieces in it, that spell my name.) - Only it wasn't my name on it. At first I thought it was my sister's bench, but it didn't spell her name either. I spent some time trying to read it, trying to work out the puzzle to read what it said. Eventually I realized that it was Cyrillic. In actuality, it was this bench that taught me to spell my name. I wonder if this dream was my brain reaching back to that time, so long ago? Seeing the letters, and trying to fit them together into a word?

Last night I dreamed I was in Australia. I found a little creature that needed rescue. It was a weird little creature. It was about the size (and shape) of a softball. It was really round, and not furry. Its surface was skin, and it had big eyes, and cute features. When I found it, it was really dehydrated, and I scooped it up to help it. I was near a zoo, and so went there to see if they would help. I spent a long time wandering around in the zoo, looking at the animals... Specifically I remember a kitten enclosure. Ha-ha. I know. But they were cute. And there was a snake building, but I refused to go in. I told someone that snakes were the reason I didn't want to go to Australia in the first place, and they offered to show me some friendly ones. I declined. One other thing that I really vividly remembered from this portion of the dream was an underwater exhibit. It was like a huge auditorium, with a massive (like 5 stories high) u-shaped window into an underwater seascape. Coral reefs, and brightly colored fish. I was completely mesmerized by this, and only agreed to leave when I was reminded I had a creature to save. The zoo told me they couldn't help, but sent me to a place that would help. We (some friends I was with, though no one I actually know) piled into a van, and drove to a little strip mall, with a costume shop in it. We had to dress in costumes before we went in, but discovered that they did, indeed have a animal rescue shelter in the back. The costume shop was a fundraising front. They bought the little dehydrated softball creature from me, and promised to nurse it back to health. Out front in the parking lot, there was a guy with a really old, mostly falling-apart van. It was bright green, and the doors were in the front of the van. Don't ask me how that works, but in my dream it made sense and was totally AWESOME. The inside of the van was all covered in different shades of green fun-fur. It was old, and had certainly seen better days, but was very much loved. I had a conversation with the van owner, and said something about having only been to Australia a couple times, but only on short little day-trips.

And then I woke up.

I dunno man. My dream world can be fun sometimes.

In other news...

I've had a wicked cold for a week, and have been home from work. I think I'll make it into the office tomorrow though.

I've been neglecting my self-portraits. I can't decide if I should force myself back into it, or just cut and run.

I lost my virginity 10 years ago yesterday. TMI? Whatever, it's my blog.

I was just contacted by a once-very-close-friend I haven't seen in like 10 years. No connection to the previous bit.

I turn 28 in a week. My little sister turns 26 on the same day.

And I... Have very little else to report at this time.

Goodnight.

B is for...

2010-01-05T19:12:00.002-07:00

Balancing on bookshelves - The Flickr Group Roulette group of the day was 'Book Addicts'. I've been planning to climb onto my bookshelf for a photo anyway. Turns out it's not as comfy as I thought it would be. But I took my favorite shot of the year so far, so that's not so bad.

B is also for Bs - As-in 'Two Bs in a Blog'. We're working on redoing our travel blog. We're gonna buy a domain for it and everything - but we can't decide between .com or .ca - Thoughts, anyone?

B stands for Bouncy Tooth. As-in I had a cracked tooth which required a crown and I got the 'temporary' part today. And it's bouncy. It's very odd to me.

B is for Bikram Yoga - I attended my first Bikram Yoga class in November with my little sister. Got a Yogi Toes mat for Christmas, and will be attending my second class on Thursday. I'm hoping to aim for every week or two after that. It's hard work, but feels pretty good. Sweating's good for ya.

B is for Beach - Where Brian and I will be in just over 3 weeks. Jamaica, specifically. Woo! The countdown is SO on.

B is for Bourne Brunch - Brian and I spent the day with our friends F & D. They made us brunch (coast toast, which F has been raving about for YEARS... It was that good.) and then we watched the entire Bourne Trilogy, as Brian and I hadn't seen them, and it was time. They were good! I quite like Julia Stiles and Franka Potente, so they helped. :)

B is for bruise - I walked into the corner of our coffee table a couple days ago and have a HUGE colorful bruise to show for it. This is not important. But it started with B.

And with that, B is for Bye-bye.

Cozy First Days of 2010

2010-01-02T21:58:00.004-07:00

It's been so nice to have time off work for the holidays. Both Brian and I took a solid 2 weeks off, and we're back to work on Monday.

When Brian and I have time off work - ANY time - we leave town. We fill it all full of SOMETHING. But for these two weeks, we didn't leave town even once. It was actually kinda nice. We decorated for Christmas, and took it all down today - we've done a TON of general house clean-up. House prettying-up.

Brian has done a bit of work on Ziggy, we've rearranged plants, played with our cats like there was no tomorrow.

Even the never-ending bathroom renovation has had some advances made on it. Having trouble finding just the right floor tile, but we think we have the shower tile mostly picked out. And we have the vanity waiting to go in once we're done the rest of it...

I can't even believe work starts again in a couple days. And I don't really want to think about it yet so... Enough on that.

Tuesday I have a root canal... Also under the heading of 'unpleasant, not thinking about it'.

Back to the pleasentness of now... I am curled up on the couch in my living room, which newly looks clean and tidy and rearranged, and comfortably us-feeling. I have Brian curled up on the floor in front of the couch, and one of my cats (Sol - the white one) curled up on the couch beside me. Read into that what you will, but I swear Brian chose his spot before the cat did. And there's a fire in the fireplace, crackling away.

Speaking of fire, we bought a fire extinguisher today. Everyone should have at LEAST one fire extinguisher in their home. I'm ashamed to say we didn't before - but now we do. Hooray! And a CO detector for the van. Also good to have.

I think that's all I've got to say for today. I hope everyone's year is starting off as calm and cozy as mine...

New Year

2010-01-01T23:45:00.004-07:00

2009 is over. I'm happy about that. I suppose if I wasn't I'd be living in the past.

2009 started out on an extremely dark note for me - But thankfully there was only one direction to go after that - and that was up. By early spring life was back to good.

Brian and I visited his mom in Vancouver in May and July - which I always enjoy. I don't know when we'll be back to Vancouver, but I'm craving it - I hope it's soon.

We did a lot of relatively local travel this year. Lots of road trips - Alberta, Saskatchewan, BC. We road tripped to Burning Man and back in August, in Ziggy - our '85 Volkswagon camper van.

I saw Toronto for the first time ever in July - we visited Sabrina & Jamie, Josh & Mel. It stormed the whole week we were there, but I loved it. So warm, so wet. I love the rain, I love being poured on. And being warm enough to stay in it. Ha. I spent a bunch of time shopping, and we visited Niagara Falls.

Three different friends of mine each gave birth to a boy in the spring. Rowan, Wesley, and Graham. I love that I've finally gotten to the point in my life that my friends are having babies. I can't wait to watch them, and all the other little kiddies in my world grow up into little people. :)

In the fall, my dad announced he's fallen in love. He's been single for 22 years, since he & my mom split up. It came as a shock, but I'm happy for him. I like his girlfriend - she seems good for him, and that's probably all that matters. It will be really interesting to see if my family will grow in 2010 in that way. Pam has 2 daughters in their early 30's - I may get step sisters.

In early December, I suffered a surprise-miscarriage. I didn't know I was pregnant, until I miscarried. I wouldn't have been far along - but it was still quite something to digest. It's a strange thing to experience.

2010 is a year I am really looking forward too. In a couple weeks, I start a drawing class at ACAD. This is something I've wanted to do for most of my life and I can't imagine why on Earth I never have. I am SO excited for this, I can't even complain. This year I hope to start putting together a portfolio of my work. Gotta be open to possibilities, right?

Also in the creative vein, I'm hoping to get back into self portraits. I haven't been doing any lately, but when I did I think I learned a lot from them. I don't really want to say much about them, because I don't know how to approach it yet, and don't want to jynx it.

In terms of travel, it seems it'll be a year of weddings. We're off to Jamaica at the end of January for the wedding of Shawn and Tanya. It'll be Brian's first tropical vacation and my second - one to remember for sure. In July we have a wedding in Kelowna, which we are likely to combine with a bit of BC road tripping. Just us & Ziggy & the highways & the hot springs! That's what it's aaaaaall about.

In early June we have a wedding to attend in Rexton, New Brunswick. I've never been further East than Toronto, so we're gonna take a good 2 weeks and travel around NB a little.

So, no laughing at this next one: We've been renovating our upstairs bathroom since March 2008. In late 2009, we got it up to the point of having all the drywall installed. Earlier today (Jan. 1) we started mudding & taping. We'll continue with that tomorrow... I'm feeling pretty motivated to get that over & done with. I feel like we're finally glimpsing the light at the end of the tunnel. We're also in the stages of planning paint and tiles... And that stuff's exciting.
:)

I have no idea what else this year will bring. In no particular order, I hope for: Travel, adventure, art, friendship, creativity, love, passion.

Huh.

2009-11-10T21:20:00.006-07:00

Do you ever get kinda weirded out by life?

I feel, emotionally like I am at some sort of crossroads. I can't really identify what it is, but I feel suddenly different about so many things. I feel like I need to be creative. I feel like I need to pay attention to my artsy side. I feel almost dishonest with myself or something. I don't know, I can't explain.

I'm starting an art class in January. A drawing class at ACAD. I'm so excited, because I haven't been in an art class in ~10 years. I've been wanting to go to art school all my life. I mean, more than that, even. More than I'm going to go into here.

Somehow I've always had these excuses. These reasons not to do it. I can't even count how many times I've looked at the ACAD calendar, read through all the courses, ranked the classes, planned out which ones to take. But always something would come up. I'd get sick, or busy, or I get focused on something else. I was just never able to get started.

But then I realized, I don't have to have it ALL planned out before I begin. I keep stopping because I can't see how it'll all turn out. I'm not sure what life has in store, and so I don't know what decisions to make about it. But the things I do right now are not just about the future, they're about right now as well.

This is a recurring theme for me, perhaps. I can recall a few times in my life when faced with potentially life-altering decisions, and I make no decision, for fear of making the wrong decision.

This art class is such an exciting thing for me, I can't even describe it. When I finish this class, I'll be better equipped to take another step, even if I still don't know where it will lead. It can't hurt.

There are strange things going on in my family that I don't quite understand yet. And my health is not peak. I am not enamored with my job. These things add to my desire to just close myself off and create. Ugh. Why can't I just be content with the crap I have to do?

Buh. Now I'm just moaning and complaining. Life is weird. That's not news to anyone.

B and I are taking the day off work tomorrow, we might head up to Bragg Creek. He's lived in this city for 15 years, and never been there. It's time.

Oh - PS, last night I dreamt of Vancouver. We moved to Vancouver and were hanging out on the beach. There was a tidal wave, and we had to run down the street to avoid it, but everyone told us not to worry, and that it happens all the time - no biggie. I pointed out to Brian that some children are burying themselves in the sand, under shallow water. We were trying to find help for our friend C (who in actuality we are no longer in contact with, but were close with at one time). We found some sort of park ranger, and when we brought him back to C, he started talking to another woman I didn't recognize. He called her Nicki. I kept telling him, 'no, it's C that needs help, not that other chick'. But he keeps talking to Nicki, trying to help Nicki. I believe at some point in this dream that I was also trying to explain my fear of water to someone.

Early November

2009-11-05T21:56:00.002-07:00

I have been feeling sick, and haven't been to work all week. I've been doing exactly nothing, at home. Sleeping, watching crap tv, playing on my laptop. Sleeping. Lots of sleeping.

No, it's not the H1N1 flu. No flu at all, I don't think. Just a cold, probably playing on some thyroid issues. I know my thyroid is out of whack, but my doctor wanted another blood test before she adjusts my synthroid dosage... The plan is next week to get my blood test done, and then see her - though it's no easy task to get an appointment with any doctor at the moment.

I'll be back to work tomorrow... Lots to do. I'm sure I was barely missed, and I know I wasn't the only one away...

I feel very strange emotionally at the moment. I feel on the brink. I feel like I'm finally getting the right idea about some things, yet it's still so far out of reach.

I'm so excited for my drawing class, but it doesn't start until January. I know it'll be here before I know it, but it seems so far away still.

I have paid for some personal fitness sessions with a trainer at the YMCA. I also have promised my little sister I'd join her for some bikram yoga classes. And I am working on stocking up my home workout equipment, and working on making use of it more and more at home. I'm gaining weight as usual, and need to put a cap on it - bring it down a little. And the best way for me to do that is up my physical activity.

But then... This week I was going to go to yoga with Bri, and work out at home each day. Had quite an intense home workout on Sunday, and was so sore I was limping until Wednesday. Plus of course I woke up sick on Monday, which made me even less likely to move in any way.

So now that I'm feeling a little more human, tomorrow I go back to work - one cup of cofffee, then tea or water. One 'treat' (Friday's treat day at my office), reasonable eating habits, and if I am not way too exhausted after work, then a home workout perhaps. Or maybe I should even think about visiting the gym at lunch... Hrm...

That, truly, is all.

And now, I'm about to saunter off to bed.

Time to Make Decisions

2009-10-28T20:53:00.003-07:00

So, I've decided to sign up for a drawing class at ACAD. It runs from January to April, every Saturday morning.

I have always wanted to go to art school - my whole life. But it was never the practical choice. I remember my mother telling me at a very early age, that I couldn't be an artist, because artists are poor and unhappy.

I thought for most of my life that I'd be a teacher, but my life went in a different direction, and I wound up working in an office. I've worked for the same company for 7 years. I'm a pipeline risk assessment technician.

They tell me I'm good. But I don't feel like it. It doesn't feel like me. It doesn't interest me. I go to work because I have bills to pay. I do my best at work, because my name is on it, and that's the way I am. I don't care about it, but I still can't produce crap. Y'know?

So, I have been tossing around the idea of "is it time for a change?" but I keep coming back to - I'd be stupid to leave. I have no education and no experience in any other line of work. So I arrived at "what about going back to school?" But if I go back to school, there's the question of what to take. There's stuff I'd love to take, and there's stuff that's practical, but none of them overlap. And if I turn my life upside-down to go in a completely different direction, I don't want to wind up in something else that I have no passion for, right?

So then I end up at "screw practical, that's what got me here in the first place"... I've been looking up art schools. ACAD in Calgary, and Emily Carr in Vancouver. I was at a digital photography expo last weekend, and ACAD had a booth set-up. I was able to ask some questions. Anything I take at ACAD is transferable to Emily Carr (in case we wind up moving to Vancouver). Which was one of my concerns. It looks like to get into the credit classes, I need to submit a portfolio.

So I thought that was it, I'd come home, gather up some of my artwork, take it in to ACAD, and start taking some evening/weekend classes, to decide later if I actually want to go somewhere with it.

But then I got home and realized I don't have even part of a portfolio. I was told to make sure it wasn't all photos. My drawings and paintings are all old and in terrible condition. Worn/bent corners, folds, wrinkles. This stuff has moved around with me from home to home protected by pieces of cardboard, wrapped in garbage bags.

So... I was like "well, I'll just sit down and whip up some stuff"... Turns out if you don't use it, you lose it. And I do still sketch and/or paint a few times a year, but with no actual art classes in almost ten years, and even those extremely basic... There is a lot of technique I could stand to learn.

I know I have the creativity, the imagination, the desire to create - but I just don't neccessarily have the theory/technique to back it. Nothing a little school can't fix, right?

So, I'm taking a credit-free Drawing class on Saturdays, from January to April. I don't really know what direction this'll take me in, but it's a direction I've been curious about my entire life - but have never been brave enough to try it.

Aaaaalright, as I excited as I am to finally have made a decision on all this, I need to get some sleep. B's already in bed and not-so-patiently awaiting me. So off I go... Wish me luck.

Dreams

2009-10-24T08:09:00.002-07:00

An Octopuss' Garden in the Shade, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Both B and I have been sleeping terribly for about a week. His cat is peeing on us, my cats are loud (meowing and chasing things around the floor), and when they're not being problems, our minds won't calm down. Mentally we can't rest, and physically we can't get comfortable enough to rest. I don't know what's up. Generally I think if I can't sleep I'm not being active enough in my day, but I've 'upped' my physical activity this week, and still no sleep to be had. On top of all this, I've had a return to my extremely vivid, active dreams. I wasn't remembering details earlier in the week, but the past couple of nights I have...

The night before last...
The first thing I remember was like 4 visual snapshots, or stills. First, I looked out the window, and saw a guy I don't know in my front yard. Second snapshot, he made eye contact with me and I alerted Brian. Third, he was trying to get in through the window, and fourth - he was in. He owned a Westy, and wanted to chat with Brian about it. Brian was excited, as he always is with other westy owners. He wanted to go for a ride, and I didn't trust the guy but couldn't tell Brian 'no'. I told him to be careful and be back soon. He said he wouldn't be back for weeks, because it was a boat and they were going far out to sea. The Atlantic sea, even. I was afraid for him, but he had his mind set on it. I dreamed of extremely stormy seas, and I was so afraid he would not come home. I also saw a map of the East coast of Canada from above, and was surprised to see that the land was formed in almost 'shelves', running south to north. Each section of sea, between the strip of rocky land, was for a different country. If you're from Russia, you come to Canada here. If you're from Germany, you come in here. Hard to explain, kinda.

In another section of my dream, we were dining with our friends R&K. An engagement ring arrived for one of us, but we weren't sure who it was from, or for. (In real life, R&K are engaged, but I don't think they were in my dream) Later R pulled me aside and asked how I would respond if B proposed to me, and I said I'd accept, but I doubted he would. R pointed out that just because B says he'll do something doesn't mean he will, and reminded me he's still legally married. I was like 'yeah, I know' and realized we probably won't ever get married.

Later the same night, I dreamed I went to Vancouver to visit our friend K (who lives here in Calgary in actuality). She lived upstairs from the store "Anthropologie", and I was excited to go there, too. Her apartment building was greenish grey, and there was something familiar about it. I can't remember many other details about this section, but it was good, and comfortable. It might have been a "I want to move to Vancouver" dream.

Last night...
A baby girl and water. As usual when I dream of babies, she wasn't mine biologically, but she was in my care. I was some sort of guardian. At first I was raising her in the forest, teaching her to swim and collect rain water, and something about writing in a book...

Later I dreamed that I was in the basement of this beautiful mansion-like place, where my friends (J&M or D&S - both couples who are already married in real life) were getting married. I woke up late, and my room was attached to a bathroom with a huge jacuzzi in it. In fact, the whole place was a maze of interconnected bedrooms and bathrooms with huge jacuzzis. I was really concerned that I was going to be late for the wedding, so I ran to the next room and drew a bath, and then someone else ran in and said they needed to use this bathroom first, and could I please wait. So I asked them to knock on my door when they were done. They didn't, and when I went back to check, there was someone else in my bathroom. Meanwhile, my getting-married friends were in my bedroom eating a buffet breakfast, and worrying out-loud about my not being ready for the wedding yet. I sat down to eat some french toast, and he (the groom) offered me some yogurt. When I declined, he rolled his eyes, as-if to say "of course you wouldn't chose the healthier option". I found another room, but it had a larger jacuzzi, more like a hot tub - with 10 or 20 people in it. I went back to the other bathroom and there was a baby girl floating in the water, kinda squirming. I jumped in the water in my clothes, and pulled her out and performed CPR. She didn't cry, but she was breathing. I held her and rubbed her back and felt like I would never let go of her. In this portion of the dream, she was a 'stranger' until I saved her. I went back into the other room with the bigger hot tub, and one of the women screamed at me for 'stealing' her baby. I screamed back that I had just saved her from drowning, but she didn't believe me. A screaming fight ensued, she claimed she left her baby far from the water. I was horrified that a mother could be so careless. I didn't want to give her back her baby. I was holding it so tight and there was something about the way it felt, I can't explain.

Brian woke me up somewhere around here, and when I woke up I found I was cradling my boobs like a baby. Ha!

... So... I am not sure of the reasoning behind sharing my dreams, except to get them out of my head. Sometimes they follow me around, 'haunting' me all day, so perhaps this is an attempt to leave them behind and be awake today.

Update

2009-09-30T22:06:00.002-07:00

Blue on the Playa, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

First-off, good news about my friend (from my last post)... I visited him in the hospital on Sunday, and he was up and talking and joking and seeming like himself. He looked pretty bruised and battered, but apparently he's healing at an amazing rate. Because of the head injury, he's still not completely 'out of the woods', but apparently if he survives the week after the injury, chances are he'll survive overall - and it'll be a week since the accident in about 3 hours. Yaaaaay!!!

Other bits:
Still haven't updated our travel blog about our latest adventure... We've been home for about 10 days, but somehow our heads are still kinda swimming. Busy busy with real life, but at the same time wishing with all our might that we could avoid it.

So not wanting to face life, but knowing we have to, we are trying to focus on getting things done. Trying to eat better, cook at home more often, buy more food from the farmer's market than the grocery store. Clean house, organize. Fix stuff and deal with stuff before the snow flies.

I am gaining weight like crazy, so also attempting to get that under control - went back to the gym today for the first time in a while. Signed up to get a personal trainer today. Part of the reason I have trouble sticking to a fitness program is that I get frustrated when I can't see results, and don't know if I'm going about it the right way. If I could get help getting started, maybe I can carry it on myself. I just want to make physical activity a habit. I've been there before, where I craved it. I just need help getting back to it.

My main goal with this is health. When my physical health is good, my emotional health is good. It makes a huge difference in my life to be fit and feel good.

At some point in my life I would like to run a 5k race. I know it's silly and little, but it is something so contrary to part of me that holds me back sometimes... I don't know how to make this make sense. Maybe it's as simple as proving to myself that I can do something that for years I never would have believed I could have...

As well, my little sister recently asked me to join her in some bikram yoga classes... I told her I need to be in better shape before getting back to yoga at all, never mind bikram. She suggested we pick a date in the future to attend a class together, that that's how long I have to prepare for it, however I've gotta do it. We didn't agree on a date... But I may still...

Thirdly, Brian and I are going to Jamaica in February, and it sure would be nice to feel good in a bathing suit again.

But, as I said before - health is number one. I want to feel good, and I don't right now. I hurt all over. Lots of headaches lately, my tummy is always upset, and so many stupid little aches and pains all over. I feel like such a whiner, because I know everything I feel is a result of decisions I've made for myself - things I should or shouldn't have eaten, etc. And activity. I know I need it - but it's just so hard when I feel so bleh. Never-ending cycle, ya know?

But I'm taking steps to reverse it. Gym today, and again tomorrow - One at a time, it's all ya can do, right?

Moments When the World Stops

2009-09-25T17:38:00.002-07:00

My dad just called to tell me that a very close family friend was riding a skateboard behind a car at 2am on Friday morning, and had an accident. His injuries are life-threatening. Possible brain damage. It's too early to even know if he'll survive. I've watched this kid grow up. I literally have known him since he was born. My God I hope he pulls through this. I can't imagine what it would do to his family, and really anyone who knew him. Such a sweetheart. I don't even know what to say yet. My dad will be informed if he's not going to make it, so he can go say his goodbyes, so he is sitting around hoping he doesn't get a phonecall. He promised to let me know if anything changes, and so now I too, am sitting around willing my phone not to ring... Unless it's to say he's going to be fine. Ugh, you are one great tough little kid, You. Please please pull through this.