Venting...

So, I will preface this with a bit of a caveat. I know that, in the big picture, I have nothing to complain about. I know I have a good job and live in a safe, warm, place, and I am relatively healthy and all the rest. I know this, and realize that I am better off than millions, likely billions of people.



We all know this, we are all in the top 10% of lucky people. But this does not stop us from worrying and stressing-out and being frustrated with our lives sometimes.



In the fall, I find it a very cozy season, where I want to draw into myself, and focus on making my home and self happy and healthy. But this season, it seems, I am not to have that chance yet.



I have friends I've been neglecting. Not on purpose - but just by the way life happens. One of my very best friends I haven't seen since April. Her little boy is growing up so fast, and I swore I'd be right there watching every step of the way, and I haven't. I live on the opposite side of a gigantic city, and somehow something always comes up. On my end or theirs, and I'm missing them so so much. Even friends closer to me geographically, say 'hey, let's make plans'... I say 'yeah, for sure let's do that..." But then nothing happens. And I feel like I'm letting them down. And it's not that I don't want to see them, I REALLY do. And always feel better after seeing them. But in the immediate here-and-now all I want to do is hide from the things that are worrying me.



I have Grandparents on both sides who are sick and frail and not quite here and not quite gone. My maternal Grandmother doesn't recognize us granddaughters, and I don't know what to say or how to feel about it, except sad. And so, I usually have something else I'd rather do than to visit, as much as I feel so evil saying it. My paternal Grandmother recently was placed in a 'care facility' because she stopped recognizing her husband of 70 years. She is not being told the truth about where she is, or where her husband is, because the doctors don't think she can handle the fact that she won't be going home, and won't live with my grandfather anymore. And then there's my grandfather - who is physically and mentally remarkably healthy, but so so heart-sick, because of his wife's mental and physical sickness, and feels that it is HIS JOB ALONE to care for her and provide all the help she needs. It's been that way for 70 years, how can he do anything different now? They are living about 30 minutes away from eachother right now, and he hasn't driven more than 10 minutes for years, so can only visit her a few times a week, when other relatives drive him over there. We hope so dearly that he will pick up some of his old hobbies and interests again now that she won't be his full time job anymore, but are so so worried that he will just be lost without her.



And, more selfishly, I am stressed out about work. I was in the field (Whitecourt) last week all week, and tomorrow I leave (Athabasca, Whitecourt, Swant Hills) for another four days. Then I get to be home for 2 weeks, and then have another solid week in/around Fairview. This sort of travel wears me out. It uses me up and runs me down. I'm not sure what it is that is so exhausting, but I always come home feeling like I haven't slept in days. Last week I got home on Thursday, and stayed home on Friday - and slept in until 12, making that 14 hours of sleep. That is not normal!!!



When I travel with Brian, it is exciting and it lifts me up. It makes me so happy with myself and my life, and has really transformative, even healing powers. Travel for fun can heal so much in me. But this business travel stuff... Just pulls me out of my environment, my patterns, my safe places. It forces me out and puts me in situations I am not familiar or comfortable with, and I just have to deal. When I am on these trips, I can't stop worrying about whether the projector bulb will burn out, or my company-loaner-laptop will die on me, or corrupt my files. Or what if a moose wanders across the highway in front of me and I land in the ditch? Or what if I don't know the edges of the monstrous truck I've rented, and side-swipe someone else? What if I'm not entirely safe out there on my own? What if someone has miscommunicated the schedule, and I show up a couple days early, or a couple hours late? What if my alarm doesn't go off? What if I can't find the field office and have no cell reception to call for better directions? What if ANYTHING goes wrong while I have no cell reception? What about the BIG things? Plane crash, car crash, anything...



I know these things can happen anywhere at anytime... But I feel so much more vulnerable to it when I'm out there by myself, in a place I don't know, and to some extent don't understand.



This is a part of my job, and I know that. I have always made sure my boss knows I can only handle a certain level of it. In the past, it's generally been a field trip of a few days, every 3 months or so. When it happens like that, it's short and I can just hold my breath and deal with it, and come out saying "that wasn't so bad". But when it's 3 out of 5 weeks in a row, it gets to me. I've often said that if it got that frequent, I would quit. But I know this is not permanent. It's just right now. And partly because I didn't do much travel earlier in the year, so it's just getting all stacked up now, while everyone's panicking that we're heading into Q4 and still have a long list of stuff to get done. And I'm pretty sure after Fairview in October, that will be it for the year... And I MAY not have to travel next year.



And this is yet one more bit of aggravation in my life... I don't really know how much detail I should have on here, regarding my job. So I will try to keep it minimal, and apologize if it is way too vague to get. But there is a certain 'process' that I run here. There's this one 'thing' I'm in charge of, and it's currently done in a spreadsheet form. Various spreadsheets - approximately 150. I have recently been informed that this 'process' is changing. They're going to a database of sorts. It'll be more automatic, but cover-off a lot more than our current process does. And this is honestly pretty-much all I know. My boss has told me two things:



1. Your work life will change drastically.

2. You'll still have a job... Honest.



So I've been told this new process will require very minimal human input, and that my job will be to oversee it. To me, this raises an eyebrow. Am I being replaced by a computer, or not? It makes sense for the process to go this way, and if that's the fact, then I just want to know about it. But they insist I won't be out of a job... without actually telling me what my job might consist of. Does this seem odd to anyone else? Could they be setting up to lay me off, without telling me ahead of time so I keep up the 'good work' in the mean-time? I mean, I don't think so... But there's this little voice at the back of my head...



And, I think that's all the whining that's fit to share... I don't mean to whine, I really don't. But sometimes it just builds up and up and I've gotta let it out somehow. This morning I've been having problems with some new rules about how we can and cannot move files around, and it's making everything that much more complicated and annoying, and I was either about to scream or throw something, and thought a little rant might get some of this worry and frustration off my chest.



I know it doesn't fix anything, and I know I still need to figure out how to be there for my family and friends and job all at the same time, with no energy whatsoever.



Although... I've finally got an appointment with an endocrinologist in late October. Endocrinology is the study of hormones, and of course my thyroid problems are hormone problems, and my own doctor has stuck me on pills and advised me to "just deal with it" for about 10 years now. My boss was the one who actually suggested I see a specialist. Maybe she will also tell me to just deal with it, and then I'll continue to do that as best I can - but at least she might be in a position to answer my questions which I've previously only been able to turn to the internet for. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but sometimes hypothyroid sufferers do find a new doctor who manages to find a fix that turns their whole lives around... I can't even imagine how awesome it would be if my metabolism suddenly started to work properly! Omg! Energy, what's that???



Haha. Okay, enough is enough. I actually have a LOT of work to get done here before heading north again tomorrow... So instead of procrastinating and whining, I'm going to go try to get it done now. Wish me luck!

B is for...

Balancing on bookshelves - The Flickr Group Roulette group of the day was 'Book Addicts'. I've been planning to climb onto my bookshelf for a photo anyway. Turns out it's not as comfy as I thought it would be. But I took my favorite shot of the year so far, so that's not so bad.

B is also for Bs - As-in 'Two Bs in a Blog'. We're working on redoing our travel blog. We're gonna buy a domain for it and everything - but we can't decide between .com or .ca - Thoughts, anyone?

B stands for Bouncy Tooth. As-in I had a cracked tooth which required a crown and I got the 'temporary' part today. And it's bouncy. It's very odd to me.

B is for Bikram Yoga - I attended my first Bikram Yoga class in November with my little sister. Got a Yogi Toes mat for Christmas, and will be attending my second class on Thursday. I'm hoping to aim for every week or two after that. It's hard work, but feels pretty good. Sweating's good for ya.

B is for Beach - Where Brian and I will be in just over 3 weeks. Jamaica, specifically. Woo! The countdown is SO on.

B is for Bourne Brunch - Brian and I spent the day with our friends F & D. They made us brunch (coast toast, which F has been raving about for YEARS... It was that good.) and then we watched the entire Bourne Trilogy, as Brian and I hadn't seen them, and it was time. They were good! I quite like Julia Stiles and Franka Potente, so they helped. :)

B is for bruise - I walked into the corner of our coffee table a couple days ago and have a HUGE colorful bruise to show for it. This is not important. But it started with B.

And with that, B is for Bye-bye.

New Year

2009 is over. I'm happy about that. I suppose if I wasn't I'd be living in the past.

2009 started out on an extremely dark note for me - But thankfully there was only one direction to go after that - and that was up. By early spring life was back to good.

Brian and I visited his mom in Vancouver in May and July - which I always enjoy. I don't know when we'll be back to Vancouver, but I'm craving it - I hope it's soon.

We did a lot of relatively local travel this year. Lots of road trips - Alberta, Saskatchewan, BC. We road tripped to Burning Man and back in August, in Ziggy - our '85 Volkswagon camper van.

I saw Toronto for the first time ever in July - we visited Sabrina & Jamie, Josh & Mel. It stormed the whole week we were there, but I loved it. So warm, so wet. I love the rain, I love being poured on. And being warm enough to stay in it. Ha. I spent a bunch of time shopping, and we visited Niagara Falls.

Three different friends of mine each gave birth to a boy in the spring. Rowan, Wesley, and Graham. I love that I've finally gotten to the point in my life that my friends are having babies. I can't wait to watch them, and all the other little kiddies in my world grow up into little people. :)

In the fall, my dad announced he's fallen in love. He's been single for 22 years, since he & my mom split up. It came as a shock, but I'm happy for him. I like his girlfriend - she seems good for him, and that's probably all that matters. It will be really interesting to see if my family will grow in 2010 in that way. Pam has 2 daughters in their early 30's - I may get step sisters.

In early December, I suffered a surprise-miscarriage. I didn't know I was pregnant, until I miscarried. I wouldn't have been far along - but it was still quite something to digest. It's a strange thing to experience.

2010 is a year I am really looking forward too. In a couple weeks, I start a drawing class at ACAD. This is something I've wanted to do for most of my life and I can't imagine why on Earth I never have. I am SO excited for this, I can't even complain. This year I hope to start putting together a portfolio of my work. Gotta be open to possibilities, right?

Also in the creative vein, I'm hoping to get back into self portraits. I haven't been doing any lately, but when I did I think I learned a lot from them. I don't really want to say much about them, because I don't know how to approach it yet, and don't want to jynx it.

In terms of travel, it seems it'll be a year of weddings. We're off to Jamaica at the end of January for the wedding of Shawn and Tanya. It'll be Brian's first tropical vacation and my second - one to remember for sure. In July we have a wedding in Kelowna, which we are likely to combine with a bit of BC road tripping. Just us & Ziggy & the highways & the hot springs! That's what it's aaaaaall about.

In early June we have a wedding to attend in Rexton, New Brunswick. I've never been further East than Toronto, so we're gonna take a good 2 weeks and travel around NB a little.

So, no laughing at this next one: We've been renovating our upstairs bathroom since March 2008. In late 2009, we got it up to the point of having all the drywall installed. Earlier today (Jan. 1) we started mudding & taping. We'll continue with that tomorrow... I'm feeling pretty motivated to get that over & done with. I feel like we're finally glimpsing the light at the end of the tunnel. We're also in the stages of planning paint and tiles... And that stuff's exciting.
:)

I have no idea what else this year will bring. In no particular order, I hope for: Travel, adventure, art, friendship, creativity, love, passion.

Huh.

Do you ever get kinda weirded out by life?

I feel, emotionally like I am at some sort of crossroads. I can't really identify what it is, but I feel suddenly different about so many things. I feel like I need to be creative. I feel like I need to pay attention to my artsy side. I feel almost dishonest with myself or something. I don't know, I can't explain.

I'm starting an art class in January. A drawing class at ACAD. I'm so excited, because I haven't been in an art class in ~10 years. I've been wanting to go to art school all my life. I mean, more than that, even. More than I'm going to go into here.

Somehow I've always had these excuses. These reasons not to do it. I can't even count how many times I've looked at the ACAD calendar, read through all the courses, ranked the classes, planned out which ones to take. But always something would come up. I'd get sick, or busy, or I get focused on something else. I was just never able to get started.

But then I realized, I don't have to have it ALL planned out before I begin. I keep stopping because I can't see how it'll all turn out. I'm not sure what life has in store, and so I don't know what decisions to make about it. But the things I do right now are not just about the future, they're about right now as well.

This is a recurring theme for me, perhaps. I can recall a few times in my life when faced with potentially life-altering decisions, and I make no decision, for fear of making the wrong decision.

This art class is such an exciting thing for me, I can't even describe it. When I finish this class, I'll be better equipped to take another step, even if I still don't know where it will lead. It can't hurt.

There are strange things going on in my family that I don't quite understand yet. And my health is not peak. I am not enamored with my job. These things add to my desire to just close myself off and create. Ugh. Why can't I just be content with the crap I have to do?

Buh. Now I'm just moaning and complaining. Life is weird. That's not news to anyone.

B and I are taking the day off work tomorrow, we might head up to Bragg Creek. He's lived in this city for 15 years, and never been there. It's time.

Oh - PS, last night I dreamt of Vancouver. We moved to Vancouver and were hanging out on the beach. There was a tidal wave, and we had to run down the street to avoid it, but everyone told us not to worry, and that it happens all the time - no biggie. I pointed out to Brian that some children are burying themselves in the sand, under shallow water. We were trying to find help for our friend C (who in actuality we are no longer in contact with, but were close with at one time). We found some sort of park ranger, and when we brought him back to C, he started talking to another woman I didn't recognize. He called her Nicki. I kept telling him, 'no, it's C that needs help, not that other chick'. But he keeps talking to Nicki, trying to help Nicki. I believe at some point in this dream that I was also trying to explain my fear of water to someone.

Dreams

An Octopuss' Garden in the Shade, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Both B and I have been sleeping terribly for about a week. His cat is peeing on us, my cats are loud (meowing and chasing things around the floor), and when they're not being problems, our minds won't calm down. Mentally we can't rest, and physically we can't get comfortable enough to rest. I don't know what's up. Generally I think if I can't sleep I'm not being active enough in my day, but I've 'upped' my physical activity this week, and still no sleep to be had. On top of all this, I've had a return to my extremely vivid, active dreams. I wasn't remembering details earlier in the week, but the past couple of nights I have...

The night before last...
The first thing I remember was like 4 visual snapshots, or stills. First, I looked out the window, and saw a guy I don't know in my front yard. Second snapshot, he made eye contact with me and I alerted Brian. Third, he was trying to get in through the window, and fourth - he was in. He owned a Westy, and wanted to chat with Brian about it. Brian was excited, as he always is with other westy owners. He wanted to go for a ride, and I didn't trust the guy but couldn't tell Brian 'no'. I told him to be careful and be back soon. He said he wouldn't be back for weeks, because it was a boat and they were going far out to sea. The Atlantic sea, even. I was afraid for him, but he had his mind set on it. I dreamed of extremely stormy seas, and I was so afraid he would not come home. I also saw a map of the East coast of Canada from above, and was surprised to see that the land was formed in almost 'shelves', running south to north. Each section of sea, between the strip of rocky land, was for a different country. If you're from Russia, you come to Canada here. If you're from Germany, you come in here. Hard to explain, kinda.

In another section of my dream, we were dining with our friends R&K. An engagement ring arrived for one of us, but we weren't sure who it was from, or for. (In real life, R&K are engaged, but I don't think they were in my dream) Later R pulled me aside and asked how I would respond if B proposed to me, and I said I'd accept, but I doubted he would. R pointed out that just because B says he'll do something doesn't mean he will, and reminded me he's still legally married. I was like 'yeah, I know' and realized we probably won't ever get married.

Later the same night, I dreamed I went to Vancouver to visit our friend K (who lives here in Calgary in actuality). She lived upstairs from the store "Anthropologie", and I was excited to go there, too. Her apartment building was greenish grey, and there was something familiar about it. I can't remember many other details about this section, but it was good, and comfortable. It might have been a "I want to move to Vancouver" dream.

Last night...
A baby girl and water. As usual when I dream of babies, she wasn't mine biologically, but she was in my care. I was some sort of guardian. At first I was raising her in the forest, teaching her to swim and collect rain water, and something about writing in a book...

Later I dreamed that I was in the basement of this beautiful mansion-like place, where my friends (J&M or D&S - both couples who are already married in real life) were getting married. I woke up late, and my room was attached to a bathroom with a huge jacuzzi in it. In fact, the whole place was a maze of interconnected bedrooms and bathrooms with huge jacuzzis. I was really concerned that I was going to be late for the wedding, so I ran to the next room and drew a bath, and then someone else ran in and said they needed to use this bathroom first, and could I please wait. So I asked them to knock on my door when they were done. They didn't, and when I went back to check, there was someone else in my bathroom. Meanwhile, my getting-married friends were in my bedroom eating a buffet breakfast, and worrying out-loud about my not being ready for the wedding yet. I sat down to eat some french toast, and he (the groom) offered me some yogurt. When I declined, he rolled his eyes, as-if to say "of course you wouldn't chose the healthier option". I found another room, but it had a larger jacuzzi, more like a hot tub - with 10 or 20 people in it. I went back to the other bathroom and there was a baby girl floating in the water, kinda squirming. I jumped in the water in my clothes, and pulled her out and performed CPR. She didn't cry, but she was breathing. I held her and rubbed her back and felt like I would never let go of her. In this portion of the dream, she was a 'stranger' until I saved her. I went back into the other room with the bigger hot tub, and one of the women screamed at me for 'stealing' her baby. I screamed back that I had just saved her from drowning, but she didn't believe me. A screaming fight ensued, she claimed she left her baby far from the water. I was horrified that a mother could be so careless. I didn't want to give her back her baby. I was holding it so tight and there was something about the way it felt, I can't explain.

Brian woke me up somewhere around here, and when I woke up I found I was cradling my boobs like a baby. Ha!

... So... I am not sure of the reasoning behind sharing my dreams, except to get them out of my head. Sometimes they follow me around, 'haunting' me all day, so perhaps this is an attempt to leave them behind and be awake today.

Update

Blue on the Playa, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

First-off, good news about my friend (from my last post)... I visited him in the hospital on Sunday, and he was up and talking and joking and seeming like himself. He looked pretty bruised and battered, but apparently he's healing at an amazing rate. Because of the head injury, he's still not completely 'out of the woods', but apparently if he survives the week after the injury, chances are he'll survive overall - and it'll be a week since the accident in about 3 hours. Yaaaaay!!!

Other bits:
Still haven't updated our travel blog about our latest adventure... We've been home for about 10 days, but somehow our heads are still kinda swimming. Busy busy with real life, but at the same time wishing with all our might that we could avoid it.

So not wanting to face life, but knowing we have to, we are trying to focus on getting things done. Trying to eat better, cook at home more often, buy more food from the farmer's market than the grocery store. Clean house, organize. Fix stuff and deal with stuff before the snow flies.

I am gaining weight like crazy, so also attempting to get that under control - went back to the gym today for the first time in a while. Signed up to get a personal trainer today. Part of the reason I have trouble sticking to a fitness program is that I get frustrated when I can't see results, and don't know if I'm going about it the right way. If I could get help getting started, maybe I can carry it on myself. I just want to make physical activity a habit. I've been there before, where I craved it. I just need help getting back to it.

My main goal with this is health. When my physical health is good, my emotional health is good. It makes a huge difference in my life to be fit and feel good.

At some point in my life I would like to run a 5k race. I know it's silly and little, but it is something so contrary to part of me that holds me back sometimes... I don't know how to make this make sense. Maybe it's as simple as proving to myself that I can do something that for years I never would have believed I could have...

As well, my little sister recently asked me to join her in some bikram yoga classes... I told her I need to be in better shape before getting back to yoga at all, never mind bikram. She suggested we pick a date in the future to attend a class together, that that's how long I have to prepare for it, however I've gotta do it. We didn't agree on a date... But I may still...

Thirdly, Brian and I are going to Jamaica in February, and it sure would be nice to feel good in a bathing suit again.

But, as I said before - health is number one. I want to feel good, and I don't right now. I hurt all over. Lots of headaches lately, my tummy is always upset, and so many stupid little aches and pains all over. I feel like such a whiner, because I know everything I feel is a result of decisions I've made for myself - things I should or shouldn't have eaten, etc. And activity. I know I need it - but it's just so hard when I feel so bleh. Never-ending cycle, ya know?

But I'm taking steps to reverse it. Gym today, and again tomorrow - One at a time, it's all ya can do, right?

Moments When the World Stops

My dad just called to tell me that a very close family friend was riding a skateboard behind a car at 2am on Friday morning, and had an accident. His injuries are life-threatening. Possible brain damage. It's too early to even know if he'll survive. I've watched this kid grow up. I literally have known him since he was born. My God I hope he pulls through this. I can't imagine what it would do to his family, and really anyone who knew him. Such a sweetheart. I don't even know what to say yet. My dad will be informed if he's not going to make it, so he can go say his goodbyes, so he is sitting around hoping he doesn't get a phonecall. He promised to let me know if anything changes, and so now I too, am sitting around willing my phone not to ring... Unless it's to say he's going to be fine. Ugh, you are one great tough little kid, You. Please please pull through this.

The First Thursday in May

Brigit, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Hello All.

First, I want to start off by rambling on about dreams I had last night because my dreams were vivid, and have stuck with me.

The first part had to do with dive bars and shady people. Trying to fit into a group, but not quite succeeding... Possibly some fair grounds as well... I don't remember much of this first part, but somehow it morphed into...

I'm in a big old beautiful house. There are antiques everywhere, and strange little antique-like things - Chess boards built into tables, etc. Wooden inlaid floors, colors, stories... Then there is a woman. She reminds me of 'the aunt' from Twister. She is warm and loving and maternal - by the end I'm sure she WAS my mother. There was something about discovery of family history. I'm feeling fascinated and overwhelmed by her stories and explanations of what I descended from. Across the street from this house is a little blue cottage on the side of a mountain lake. It's like a little B&B that she runs, and I fawn over it and tell her how wonderful and beautiful it is. Behind the first house, is a great big snowy mountain, and there are wild horses running (and kinda swimming... I actually pointed out to someone - 'Oh look, I didn't know horses could swim in snow like that!') and at some point I hugged 'my mother' and her mother. We were in this 3-way embrace, hugging, and crying - but it was good. Tears of happiness. Makes me think of finally being reunited or finding the answer to a long-time question.

I woke up really tired this morning. Not neccessarily because of my dreams, but possibly partially due to that. I know there was more to my dreams - I feel like I lived an entire lifetime last night!

Of course part of me worries about the whole "hugging and crying and reuniting with my mother and her mother" thing... I mean, it was good but it makes me worry about my grandmother. She is still in the hospital after a stroke a few weeks ago, and she is not doing well. We're not sure she recognizes us, and in some ways we don't recognize her - does that make sense? Anywho, my dream makes me worry in some ways that she'll leave us soon - but then thinking along those lines - should I be afraid for my own life? I'm not, really. Any more so than usual.

Another possible source for that portion of my dream is that I spent some time with my aunt last weekend (my mom's sister), and it was the first time in a long time that we've had one-on-one time. I miss her a lot, and worry that I've hurt or offended her in recent years, but I can't think of what I might have done. I know I hybernate sometimes, so maybe I was afraid of the outside world at a time when she needed me to be a more visible part of the family? I really don't know. But seeing her last weekend was so nice. Definitely a step in the right direction. It was the first time in a long time I've felt a connection to my mom's family (and in some ways my mom) in a long time. And I don't even know if it's the maternal SIDE of my family I've been missing - my counsellor suggested it was WOMEN in my family. Because really, truly, the only blood-family member I remain close to and always have is my dad. Most of my family is female, but they seem far away, like I can't reach them. I've tried for years to reconnect with my little sister, but she closes the door on me again and again. So maybe my aunt is the best person to try to reconnect with, to feel like I have a family again.

These issues, of course, run deeper than this and are more complicated than this (of course - who doesn't have family issues?) but it's something that swirls around inside my brain, so maybe that was a part of where that dream came from... Being happy to feel like I have female family members I can reach out to?

I've been exhausted this week. Brian's in Regina for work, so my routines have been thrown off, which is always exhausting. Plus trouble sleeping, stresses here and there, etc... I've also not been healthy, but I'm sure it's my own fault. Our bodies just react to what we put into them, right? So somehow somethings gone out of whack, I'm sure. I'm trying to focus now and just going back to basics. Keep it simple, natural, KNOW what's in it. Right?

Brian got home last night, and tonight we leave for Vancouver. We'll be spending the mother's day weekend visiting his mother, who lives in White Rock. We're planning to spend a day on the island - which is great, I've never been there before. I LOVE going to places I've never been! Especially a place like this - everyone who's ever known me has warned me that if I ever go to the island, I'll never want to leave. Am I about to add another place to the list of "where I'd rather live than Calgary?"

My friend T and her new tiny baby R are still doing well. He might get to leave the hospital on Monday, which would be AWESOME because I can't wait to meet him!!! He was only born 2 weeks ago, and already I'm like "he's going to grow up and I'm going to miss it!!!" haha.

Aaaanywho, I have a lot of work to do (and my body just wants to sleep, more than anything!!!) but I thought I'd check in and say 'hey'.

Brian and I will likely be updating our little adventure blog here and there this weekend, so if you are interested, come follow along with us at twobsinablog.blogspot.com and otherwise, wish us safety and health in our travels, and I wish it to all of you!

Apres Moi

Apres Moi, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Haven't blogged in a while, figured I should...

The above photo was inspired by Regina Spektor's 'Apres Moi'. I am so deeply in love with that song right now - it is constantly playing in my head. The verse she sings in Russian makes me weak and trembly. Incase you wonder...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bk34WD9d6Og

Regina Spektor rocks my socks.

I've had an intense couple of weeks since my last post. My maternal grandmother suffered a stroke a couple days after my last blog post here. She's not doing well. She's in her late 80's, and I guess the doctors aren't very hopeful. When I saw her last weekend, she was awake for a few minutes at a time, and vaguely seemed to know we were there, but she can't really speak. Apparently she'd been counting in Dutch a bit - one to a hundred, then starting back over at one again. Her brain may be trying to revert to earlier memories - Dutch was her first language. She smiled at me as I was saying goodbye, and my aunt says that's the last time she's smiled. She is now only awake for seconds at a time, and isn't saying more than a general "wha?" she probably doesn't know anyone's there. It's tough to know how much she's aware of. I'm going to go see her again on Saturday. It's hard not to cry.

Around the same time this happened, Brian and I did some yard work and I injured my back. Couldn't move the next day. Went to the doctor, and she gave me some anti-inflammatories and pain killers. I stayed home from work last week until Friday - the thought of sitting at my desk for 8 hours straight was painful. It's mostly better by now, though. I have been at work this week. There's the odd movement that hurts, I just have to be careful. Soon I'll start working on building my core strength back up. Best way to prevent re-injuries.

About a week ago I got a voice mail from the husband of one of my best friends, saying that she went into pre-term labor the night before (over 7 weeks early). The hospital gave her some injections and sent her home. Then she had to go back early the next morning. I got a phone call from him later saying that she was in active labor. He said "I don't know if you are spiritual, but please, if you are - pray for her, and for the little one."

Now, I almost curled up on the floor of the restaurant I was in at the time to cry. This girl is so important to me, I don't know what I would do if anything happened to her or the tiny life inside her. But, knowing that positivity in the universe is so much more important than negativity, I closed out those scary thoughts, and KNEW she and her baby would be okay.

The next evening I got a text saying it's a boy, and a healthy one at that! I squeeled, I laughed, I announced it to those I was with. I can't even put into words how important it is to me that he's healthy and she's healthy, and Oh my God. Really. No words.

He was 4.3 lbs, so pretty tiny - but remember, he was also 7 weeks early. Apparently otherwise he's perfectly healthy. Yes yes yes yes YES. :)

I haven't gotten to meet him yet, he's still in the hospital, as little babies must be for a bit. I can't wait though. And to give his new mom hugs and hugs and hugs. She left me a voice mail at work today, saying she's tired but everything's good. Yay!

I have busy times to come as well...

Tomorrow I've got an engineering intern starting at work, to take over the job I've had for the past 2.5 years, so I can move onto some other things. It'll be good to learn some knew stuff, a change of pace. I'm slightly concerned that we'll both wind up doing both jobs, which can lead to dropped balls, etc. but I want to think positive and just go with the flow. All I can do is wait and see how it all pans out. So I shall.

Saturday I'm having breakfast with my aunt, which'll be good - I haven't had much one-on-one time with her for a long time. After breakfast we'll visit my Grandma.

Also tomorrow, one of Brian's best friends is coming to town from Edmonton, to visit and have a little mini (24 hour) vacation, before his wife is due to give birth in a few weeks. This'll be their third, so he knows that after the baby comes he won't have a break for some time to come. I thought it was pretty brave of him to be leaving town mere weeks before his wife's due, but I guess it was her idea in the first place - and by the third, they know what to expect and when. It'll be good to see him, even if just for a bit. He leaves on Sunday.

As does Brian. He's going to Regina for work. He'll return from there on Wednesday, and on Thursday we leave for Vancouver.

We'll be in Vancouver for the mother's day weekend, visiting Brian's mom in White Rock.

There's more going on beyond that, but that's as far ahead as my brain can think right now. Too much, too much. Gotta keep some boundaries on it, or I will go insane!!! I know it.

*sigh* So tonight is a calm little island before a whole lot starts to happen... No idea what else will appear, because without fail we know life always peppers in more than expected...

I'll try to poke my head up more often, but we'll see.

'Till then, stay good, stay healthy, stay happy. Wishing greatness to all.

Things That I'm Excited About.

I Want To Live In Vancouver., originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Recently, I had a very depressing moment, thinking I had nothing that I was looking forward to. And I know myself well enough to know that one of the things I need in order to be happy, is 'stuff to look forward to'. There has to be some bright point I'm aiming for, or else I get so bored and depressed because I can't see 'the point", and can't care about things, and it's just that slippery downward spiral. But really, truly, I do have a lot of things I'm looking forward to. And these are some of them:

- Spring! Summer! The weather is getting warmer, and that always helps the mental state. Brian and I went for a walk in fish creek last night, and it was AWESOME. I was acting silly and hyper, jumping and skipping, and babbling and joking and laughing, and I literally felt high on the fresh spring air. And I have months and months upcoming of warm weather, weather we can be OUTSIDE in, comfortably, without getting frost bite or wind burn, or any of those other icky winter things. :)

- On Saturday, I'm going to watch sheep shearing at a farm. That is awesome. I've never witnessed such a thing (I'm such a city girl sometimes), and can't wait. It'll afford some GREAT photo opportunities for sure. Apparently there will even be some baby sheep. Cute! And some wool spinners. And lots of mud. :) Just sounds fun, ya know?

- On May 5, Bif Naked's new album (The Promise) comes out, and I'm thrilled for that! I've loved Bif and her work since sitting in the art room in high school listening to 'Lucky' with my friend Melanie. We shared her earbuds, and listened to the one song on repeat. Since then, Bif music has always been a part of my personal soundtrack. So NEW stuff? Awesome. Also, Bif was diagnosed with breast cancer early last year, and she recorded this album during final stages of chemo, and she's just such a super-star and an inspiration. She lives so positively, and she has such an incredible strength, I LOVE so much of what she represents, and I wish there were more role models like her out there! So many people could learn from her (myself included of course)!

- On the mother's day weekend (which is always a sad time for me, obviously) Brian and I will be going to Vancouver (White Rock specifically) to visit his mom. This will be the first Mother's day in 5 years that I've celebrated and honored an actual mother. And I know she's not mine, but aren't all good mothers really everyone's mothers? Plus, I think she'll be thrilled to see us. I think Brian hasn't spent mother's day with his mom for a while. And, mothers aside, Vancouver is just awesome and any excuse to visit is A-OK with me!

- On May 15, my city will FINALLY start picking up curbside recycling in my area. OMG. This is SO long overdue it's ridiculous. I mean, I've only ever lived in this city, so I don't really have much to compare it to, but I hear we're rednecks and this whole recycyling thing is a LONG overdue step in the right direction. We got our "blue bin" this week, and we can finally start to get rid of the plastic that we've had building up for like a year, because we couldn't in good conscience throw it out, and had no facilities AVAILABLE to us.

- On May 16, I'm getting my hair done. I only am allowed 3 hair appointments a year (because they're expensive, and my hair's pretty healthy and doesn't need much), but I love my hairdresser, so it's always a fun day. and even though other people can't usually see a difference (long hair is long hair), I always can tell such a difference and it feels so great.

- On May 18, we get a new Tori Amos album - Not quite Bif, but pretty exciting anyway. :)

- On May 27, Brian and I have tickets to see Rick Mercer live at the Jack Singer. I have no idea what to expect, but we both love that man with a passion - he makes us laugh like no one else on TV does, and I think it'll be just a great night out.

- At some point in June, I have TWO very dear friends giving birth! I haven't seen Dy in years, but we were the best of friends once upon a time, and I still love her dearly. She's having a boy, and she's going to be an awesome mother! And Taryn is a co-worker and a best friend of many years (5-ish?) and we don't know if it'll be a boy or a girl, but either way it's sooooo exciting. I've been waiting for Taryn to have babies for YEARS! And she too is going to be such a wonderful mom! And I'm going to be an obsessive auntie. :) Plus a psychic told me that her baby and I are kindred spirits, and we will know and recognize eachother from the first moment we make eye contact. Yeeeaaaaay Taryn-Baby!!!

- On June 23rd Regina Spektor is releasing a new album (Far) and that has me really excited too. I only just recently discovered and fell in love with her music, but I'm already salivating for new stuff from her! Can't wait.

- On the second weekend in July Brian and I are going ghost-town exploring in Saskatchewan, with a group of other photographers from around the country. It's semi-'guided', but I think it'll be awesome - I think there's something like 13 ghost-towns on the schedule? Plus some light-painting technique at night, which'll be interesting too. AND within Canada, I've never been East of Medicine Hat, so I'm expanding my little travel-box too!!!

- On July 18th, we have tickets to the No Doubt concert in Vancouver! I am thrilled for this as well. Not only have I wanted to see No Doubt in concert for over 10 years, we're seeing it in Vancouver, just for the heck of it. What a great adventure!!! I've only been to concerts in Calgary, so it'll just be awesome.

- We have tickets to Burningman this year as well, which happens just before labor day. We are unsure as-to whether or not we'll use them though. We might find another deserving couple to give them to instead. There are a few factors going into this decision, and it seems really 50/50 right now. We'll see...

- And in a longer-term sense, we've been giving a little more thought to relocating to Vancouver. This isn't a right-away thing, but possibly in the next year or two. We've hummed-and-hawed over it for well over a year now, but I feel fairly sure on my side that it is something I would like to do. It's a controversial decision, I know. And some people will not be happy with it, but hopefully most people will be supportive, and I believe we would be happy with it. But like I say, nothing's written in stone and nothing's even kinda planned yet. But in my mind, I'm working on the things I can start doing, to get us closer to that goal. For me I guess it's mostly focusing on the house, and getting it into peak condition, so when the time comes to sell it, we can get a good price on it... Don't worry, though. It won't be overnight.

*sigh*
I am a very lucky girl and I have an awesome life. I feel less 'free' than I once was, but in some ways I'm far more free now than I was. I have some knowledge/experience/maturity that I didn't have "back in the day", as well as a little more financial stability, and all-around bravery. Which counts for a lot.

Maybe it's spring talking, or Friday, or just a good mood for no reason - but hooray, hooray, how GREAT is life?

Another Belly Dancing Attempt...

Dancer in the Jar, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Last year I was convinced by a friend of mine to give belly dancing a try. It sounds like a fun way to inject an extra bit of activity into my life. I've taken dance classes in the past (jazz, ballroom, ballet) but let's face it - I'm not exactly shaped like a dancer. In the ballet class specifically, I felt like one of those hippo ballerinas. No good.

So belly dancing seemed like a good thing. I even found a friend (N) who was interested in taking it with me. So we showed up on time at the right place, but the class was canceled because they needed 6 people to run a class and only 4 of us showed up. We registered and paid anyway, and were told they'd keep us posted on the next class we could attend.

But then we didn't hear back. Of course, this was spring time, moving into summer - and most classes don't run during that time. Understandable. I didn't want to start a class in the fall, because of my trip to Europe (would have missed at least 3 of the 8 classes), and then it was coming up to Christmas, etc...

But early this year I found that a class was starting in March, and "N" was excited to get back into a class, and another friend of mine, "C" also was interested in joining. So we all three of us signed up.

I had to miss the first class due to an out-of-town conference for work that I couldn't miss, but I figured missing one out of the 8 would be okay.

The day before the second class, something bizarre happened between "C" and I, rendering us unable to be around each other anymore, so I called the dance school and apologized, promising I'd attend the next Intro class.

The next Intro to belly dancing class was to start tonight. Again I showed up at the right place, at the right time, as did 3 other people. This time they needed 8 to run a class - so we were 4 short.

Again we left our e-mail addresses on a list, and were promised we'd be kept in the loop on the next available class...

It's a little frustrating, because I'm already forcing myself to leave my cozy house on a Tuesday night. It's not easy for me to step outside my routine. I have an extremely poor track record with night classes, unless my job depends on them. But I'm older now, wiser perhaps.

I know I need to get out of my routine to get some color back in my life - and I'm trying!

I do really hope that I can eventually get into one of these classes. We got a very short little 30 minute 'demo' class tonight, and in that short time I used muscles I didn't know existed. I'm going to be sore tomorrow, and I love it.

*sigh* Cross your fingers for me, Wish me luck.

What on Earth to say?

Inclinazione, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I don't know what to say. I don't know how to say it. I have no concept who (if anyone) reads this blog, so a certain level of privacy must be maintained... Which is tough when the thoughts swirling in my head are so so deeply personal.

My world has been turned upside down. Something happened that I couldn't have imagined. I mean, there were times I was afraid it would happen, but I truly didn't think it would happen. Not yet, anyway. But it did. And it shattered my world.

I don't know what will happen. I'm in a state of limbo right now. Crying, sleeping, blankly existing. Y'know how sometimes something hurts so much, you just stop feeling it?

I have a really accident-prone friend who says the big injuries usually don't hurt as much as the little ones, because your body can only handle so much pain before it just stops feeling it.

That's kind-of where I'm at, emotionally.

Today is February 1. Tomorrow is Imbolc. I could read into that, but don't know if I'm strong enough to. Which is probably gibberish to anyone reading this, but... I kinda don't care. No offense.

So, since this is the first of the month, I guess it might make sense to set out some ideas of what I hope for this month to bring.

Clarity. Not crystal, because that's asking a bit much in 4 weeks. But... I hope for things to be a little more clear. I hope to comprehend my reality a little better. I have no idea which way everything will go. I have two very obvious answers swirling around in my head, directly opposing one-another.

I am going away next week for work. I hope I can use that time to escape from my personal crap and see things from 'the outside'. I also hope I don't drink too much and become the crazy chick who cries uncontrollably when she drinks. Ha. Actually, I may not drink at all. Part of me just wants to escape reality any way I can, but I also don't exactly feel okay with giving up any level of control.

I am starting Belly dancing classes. Supposed to start this week, but I'll miss my first class. Should give me something to focus on, something fun and active to get me out of my head.

Often times I want to create when I'm hurting, but it requires tapping into my emotions, and everything's still a little too strong to deal with.

I'm not even brave enough to listen to music, or read a book.

I just spin in a little circle thinking and rethinking and crying and sleeping and thinking some more.

Really (and I'm warning this is seriously selfish of me) I am hoping for the apocalypse. Just - let's all just not deal with crap anymore. If 'the big one' hits, we'll never have to deal with anymore pain. Our own, or anyone else's.

Y'know the boom-de-yada commercial on Discovery Channel? It's always given me chills up my spine, and butterflies in my stomach. It fills me with this overwhelming joy of being alive. I can't explain it. But when I saw it today it made me burst into tears, becuase all I could think was "Bullshit."

A good friend of mine sent me a link to http://graceinsmallthings.ning.com/. I'm going to try to take part, because I can use all the help I can get to not let this thing swallow me.

I signed up and only read it briefly, and I might be doing it wrong so-far. But something I read said to start with listing 5 blessings in your life per day. I think Cara does 7 per week. So I dunno. But right now, 'cause I could use a challenge, I'm going to list 5 things.

1. I am physically healthy
2. I have two wonderful furry cats who will love me and cuddle with me regardless of whatever else happens
3. My place of work is understanding about personal emergencies
4. I have friends and family who will support me whether or not they think I'm making the right decisions.
5. There are more people who care about me than I thought.

December

To be honest, I hate this month. I know that makes me a bad person, and I apologize. I really wish I could just skip it altogether. But I'm not going to sit here moaning and complaining about it. Just... If I don't seem thrilled, it's December's fault.

My dreams have been mostly of work lately. Work stress. Forgetting to do things, offending people, saying the wrong things, trying to get a point across, but not being heard. Last night it was about codes and regulations and I was arguing over something should be under "this" code or "that" code. And I also remember arguing that traffic collisions should be called collisions, not accidents.

I did spend the last 3 days in a course on CSA Z662... Oil and Gas Pipelines Construction and Inspection Codes. I blame it.

After 3 solid days of being in a course, my already far-to-heavy work load got much worse. Add to that the fact that the year is coming to an end, and I only have like 12 work days left before January. WHAT? The fact that I'm constantly dreaming (nightmaring?) about work crap tells me I'm too stressed-out over it. And of course when I'm having crappy dreams all night, I'm tossing and turning and waking up and not getting a good sleep. Which sends me to work soooo tired, and incapable of taking-on the world. Ya know? The work load builds, I can't do everything to the best of my ability, the stress gets worse, the dreams get worse... It's a never ending cycle. Wtf? Ugh.

And it's Christmas. I promised not to rant about my hatred for Christmas. So I shan't. But. Ugh.

Wow, this is a really crap blog-post. Okay, I'm going to take a cue from Ms. Carter, and list 7 blessings:

1. My pregnant friend sent me pictures from her ultrasound, and in one of them the baby looks like he/she is waving. She and her baby are happy and healthy, which means so much to me.

2. A psychic told me that said friend's baby and I are kindred spirits. I got goosebumps when the psychic was explaining this to me - she said I would look into this baby's eyes, and we would know and understand eachother immediately. When I told my pregnant friend about this, it made her cry - but she assured me they were happy-pregnant-tears.

3. I bought a new camera last weekend. Nikon D90 - It's pretty. It has video capabilities. I've been playing with it a bit, but not enough yet.

4. I signed-up for flex-benefits at work. Last year I procrastinated until after the deadline, so I got the auto-assigned benefits. This year I was able to tailor my benefits to my situation, which left me with enough "flex dollars" to purchase 8 extra vacation days for next year. I already get 3 weeks vacation, plus 12 flex days. So... Next year altold I should have 35 days, or 7 weeks. That's insane. I love it.

5. I am not having financial problems. I have, in the past, endured some very scary financial situations. I am bumping along just fine now, and have to remember that life is SO much better, knowing I can pay my bills and afford to eat.

6. I am part of a healthy and loving relationship. I know so many people out there are not, and like the financial thing, a good or bad relationship has such a profound affect on every aspect of life. Next week is our 2 year anniversary, and we've got reservations for dinner somewhere we've never been. It's a surprise. I like these kinds of surprises. I'm lucky to have the man that I do.

7. My family and friends are all relatively healthy. There have been times when this wasn't so, and I know that there will be sickness and death in the future. But for now, the people I love are okay. And that is amazing.

:) Okay, I actually feel much better now. I am a lucky person. I am in a good situation. Compared to those in my community, my city, my country, I have it good. Compared to millions of women all over the world, I'm fantastically wealthy. How many millions of women in the world are still not allowed to own property? How many entire families live in a home the size of my bedroom? I am amazingly fortunate, and am kind-of ashamed to realize how often I forget that.

Huh.

The night before last, I dreamt about our bathroom renovations. The tile we have chosen is matte, but in my dream I realized that we really should be using shiny (like glass) tiles in order to make the small space look bigger. Ran this idea past Brian when I was awake. I think he grunted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night I dreamt I was in a place like the little European towns we saw. Narrow little cobblestone streets, steep stairs and sharp drops. Everything seems sorta piled on top of itself. I was with Taryn at one point - I think we were shopping, looking in little stores. At one point I walked up the street and turned around and couldn't find her, but then she came out of a store. She was smiling, we were having a great time.

One store was fancy nighties - like, really fancy. Robes, scarves, tassles, beads, silk. The woman who worked inside looked like a fairy or a goddess - flowy, quiet, beautiful.

I may have been looking for a hotel with my little sister at some point. Eventually we wound up drinking with my co-worker Sarah. The drink I had was Absynthe and soda water or something - it was a soft green color and it foamed and fizzed, and it tasted REALLY good. I told my sister her mouth was glowing green, and she told me mine was too. Sarah and I tried to stumble back to our hotel, but we were so drunk we just kept laughing and falling over.

New Dream - Pyro Ghosts

Yellow Flowers, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I only remember glimpses of my dream last night...

I was sleeping in an attic. There were other girls there - possibly my little sister, possibly friends from highschool. It was a dark bedroom, old grey/brown cots and blankets. Some tragedy may have befallen us - We didn't want to be here, but knew it was the best place for us.

The place was haunted by babies/children who had died there. There was a heater that looked like a fan (I think I saw one irl at Costco last weekend), but I was worried that it seemed like a fire hazard. I turned it off, but then things started moving and it was obvious the baby/child ghosts were unhappy. They made noises and frightened us until we turned the heater back on. They were only quiet/still when the heater was on.

Later in the dream I saw the heater leaning up against one of the beds, and the blanket was smoking, about to catch fire. I lept to turn it off, but then whoever I was with tried to stop me from turning it off, because we didn't want to upset the spirits in the place.

We figured out that the babies/children must have frozen to death in that place, and when we turned off the heater they thought we were trying to hurt them all over again. Eventually it came clear that they wanted to burn the place down.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Like I say, I only remember bits from it... Brian thinks I should write more, and my dreams seem to be an easy place for me to start. Sometimes I try to wait for the REALLY big/amazing/vivid/spectacular ones, but maybe recording the more vague/normal ones is a good thing too. Dunno...

Dream - Helicopters

Plus Fifteen Spatulas, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Dreams last night...

Earlier in the dream, I vaguely remember being friends with Rosie O'Donnell. We were in the kitchen, baking something. She had a kid I was helping take care of. The overall feelings were good. Happy, comfortable, friendly, loving.

We were preparing for a party of some sort, and I had to drive somewhere with Darrell Smith, a kid I went to Junior High School with. On our way back home, the police had the road blocked. They wouldn't let us through, and we couldn't tell what was going on. We found our way home by other streets.

When we returned 'home', I was in downtown Calgary, in a skyscraper. I was on approximately the 5th floor, and one wall was all windows. It may have been an art gallery of sorts - I was looking at colorful pieces of artwork, and I was in awe at how beautiful they were. I was really struck by the amazing beauty of it, and felt great respect for the artist.

There were people milling about, and there was a small black helicopter outside. Its tail swung around toward the building we were in, and I thought "Wow, that came really close to the window". And then it swung around again and did shatter the window, and the helicopter crashed.

Everybody started screaming and running, and I was outside. More helicopters crashed, and I called my dad to tell him what was going on. He told me not to worry, and that it was probably nothing serious. I looked up and a big white helicopter was falling towards me. I ran, and it crashed, and slid towards me. I managed to avoid it, but was suddenly dodging another falling helicopter. I told my dad I thought I was going to die. I was trying to say goodbye to him, but kept having to run and hide.

I found myself huddled indoors with dozens of other people, and we were all silent, trying not to be heard. I wanted to keep talking to my dad, but had to stay quiet. Then we saw through the windows that more helicopters were crashing into the building we were in.

~~~

I woke up to Brian asking me if I was okay. I was curled up against his back and shaking, breathing these short, panicked gasps. It took me a moment to realize I wasn't about to be crushed to death by a helicopter. Even after I realized it was a dream, my heart kept pounding, and I had to consciously slow my breathing. I sat up and drank some water, and eventually was able to go back to sleep.

~~~

This was an especially vivid dream. I was genuinely surprised and confused when I woke up in my bed and realized I'd been dreaming.

I'm not really sure where this dream came from. The mix of extremes (being so joyful and amazed at the beautiful artwork, and then suddenly so afraid for my life) is strange to me.

I wanted to blog it, because it's been so strong in my mind today. It might help to get it off my chest...

Dreams of Late

Pink, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Lately I've been dreaming lots.

Often I'm on vacation. Mexico, or somewhere like that. It's beautiful, exciting, and I miss Brian. I'm never on vacation with Brian, it's always my family, and Marilyn's family.

Last night I was on vacation somewhere - I don't know where. There was an enclosed swimming pool. I was running, trying to see as much as I could before I had to leave. I saw a big silver head in the distance, and I took photos of it to show to Brian. It reminded me of Burningman. As I was taking photos of it, some guy started talking to me. He knew I must be a Burner, because only a Burner would be so intrigued by the silver head. We talked about Burningman, he had pink hair. And then I decided to wander back, because I knew I had to leave soon.

When I got back, Marilyn was calling my name through a huge crowd. She was loading everyone into a minivan to go home. Brianne and Tarah were buying coffee at Tim Hortons for the trip home, so I decided to as well. But when I ordered my coffee, Tarah got angry and was yelling at me for ordering caffeine and sugar, and said I should order something smaller. Brianne got a small hot chocolate, so I did too. It came with 12 free chocolate bars. I had a ton of bags to carry, and kept dropping things. Marilyn's family was waiting for me, and Tarah was yelling at me. I asked her to help me, her response was to yell at me for making unrealistic demands on her. She was like, "can we please not go through this again? Can you please just hold your tongue? Do we really need to do this again?" And I ignored her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three nights ago, I dreamt about a little girl I used to babysit. Her name's Melanie, and she was 2. In my dream, I carried her around and cuddled her, and played with her. Her mom was getting ready to leave, and giving me instructions for bathing and dressing Melanie. Her mother put her in a drawer, but I took her out again because I wanted to hold her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next night, I dreamt I was babysitting Melanie again. This time I was also babysitting her sisters, Lindsay and Kimberly. Their mother had left a meal in the fridge, but the girls had just eaten when I got there. So they weren't hungry, and I didn't cook dinner.

The doorbell rang, and it was a man, saying he was there to babysit. I said I was the babysitter and there must be a mix-up. He said "No, I was asked to come help you because I can stay up later than you." I told him that when I used to babysit for them I was a lot younger. But that now I'm plenty old enough to stay up until the parents get home. But he came in anyway, and said that he was hungry. And then more people showed up for dinner. Both my sisters, and my mom came to the door, saying they were invited over for dinner. Then I realized that the meal in the fridge wasn't for the girls, it was for all the guests who were arriving. I tried to call Brian to help me, but didn't have a chance to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lots of dreams lately, might keep posting them. Might not. Can't tell.

So much online...

So, now that I have my beautiful new 20" iMac at home, I've been spending quite a bit more time online. However, you may have noticed I haven't been spending any more time on this-here blog. Partly, that's because I've been spending time running around the internet, reading about things, exploring for things, etc. Partly, I've been spending much of my time on Flickr. And... in the past few days, apparently now Facebook too. Which I keep calling Spacebook. I think my mind is still lumping it in with My Space, even though I haven't been there in months, can't even remember my password.

So, I just wanted to write a bitty-little-blurby-update...

I am SO happy this week is over, it was a REALLY long one, work-wise. A TON of stuff came up that I'm still not entirely sure how to go about taking care-of, and I'm going out to Swan Hills next week to try to figure out some other huge issues - there's just a lot going on. Also, my assistant EIT's contract is up at the end of this month which is sad. I'm getting a couple of summer students in her place, but she's amazing, and I'm not sure the two of them will be anywhere near as effective as she has been ... But I'll just have to wait and see. It really depends on the luck of the draw. Some interns are awesome - some of them are useless. My fingers are crossed.

Tomorrow Brian is going to BC on business - it'll be the first time in almost 4 months that we will have been apart for more than about 24 hours... And he won't be back until Wednesday!!! I'm sure we'll both survive it, really. We've obviously existed without each other before. But it'll still suck.

Katherine and I are going snowboarding tomorrow (she'll ski, I'll snowboard), or hiking if it's too warm and slushy. After that, I imagine I'll sleep for about 18 hours, because I've been EXHAUSTED for like a week now...

Then Tuesday and Wednesday, I'm out in Swan Hills (as previously mentioned). Brian and I both return home Wednesday night (our flights arrive in Calgary an inconvenient 2.5 hours apart). I imagine at that point, there will be much snuggling and cuteness and... etc...

Mmm, that's all. It's now a quarter past midnight, and I need to brush my teeth and go to bed. Goodnight!

Updates, updates...

Hrm... Updates? 'Kay:

It's been an interesting week.

On Saturday night, Brian and I got all dressed up and went out for dinner at the revolving restaurant at the top of the Calgary Tower. I hadn't been there in probably 15 years, so it was a new experience for me. They've renovated recently, and they have these horseshoe-shaped booths facing outwards... Really private and beautiful - you just sit there and watch the city slide past... The food was fantastic, from beginning to end - perfect atmosphere, all of it. Also, my little sister and her boyfriend had reservations there for the same night, so it was cool to see her and chat for a bit. They didn't get a wicked booth like Brian and I did, but they didn't really seem to care.

On Sunday, Brian and I went wandering around taking pictures. He rented a Nikon D200 for the weekend again, so I was able to use his Nikon D70. We decided there might be some interesting stuff in the East Village, because they're tearing so much of it down - it's in this state of transition...

So, as we were taking some shots of the outside of the recently shut-down St. Louis, a guy in a truck drove up and asked what we were up to. We explained that we were just taking photos. He said he was the guy who takes care of the building - then, to our surprise, he asked if we'd like to look around inside. We were both a little stunned, but were able eventually to enthusiastically respond - "Would we! Could we? Awesome!!!" so he drove around front and opened it up for us - Turned on the lights, and wandered around with us for about 3 hours. We got to see every room in the building, top to bottom. It was breathtaking, in so many different ways. It was so heart-wrenching, such a different world than I'm in from day-to-day. The filth, the dark - This sense of hopelessness. Abandon hope, all ye who enter here... If those walls could talk, you probably wouldn't want to hear half of what they said. Every corner of the building seemed to whisper secrets, stories, dark and sad memories. We got lots of photos, of course - and you can see mine here.

On Monday, I received some potentially scary health news. It's one of those "nothing to worry about... yet" things. I just have to watch and wait and see what test results say in 6 weeks. In all honesty it's probably nothing, but Monday was hard on me. Not a good start to the week. I felt ill (probably a combination of nerves, phantom pain, and PMS cramps) and so I left work around lunch time. That evening, the fabulous Cara came over to my place and we ate chocolate fondue and she did a fantastic job of cheering me up and calming me down. She's gone through the EXACT same thing, and so it felt good to talk to someone who knew first-hand what she was talking about.

On Tuesday night, Brian and Nathan and a bunch of their friends shot a Big Rock commercial for the Eddies. They've had the idea floating around for a few years apparently, but just managed to make it work this year. The Rose and Crown was nice enough to block the upstairs off for them. I got to be an extra - I sat in the background and drank beer. It was really interesting to be witness to the process, though. Editing is still being done on it, but I'm really excited to see the finished product. I hope it does well - they deserve it. I don't know what the competition is like, but it'll have to be REALLY tough, for these guys not to nail it.

Yesterday afternoon, as I was getting into my car after work, I noticed that my glove compartment was open, and everything that had been in it was pulled out all over the passenger seat. I froze, I looked around, tried to figure out what could have happened. Could it have just popped-open on its own? But then everything wouldn't be strewn ALL over. Could someone have broken in? But none of my windows are broken... Did I lock my car? I'm SURE I would have... What on Earth? Then I saw my little change bin - empty, pulled out of it's pocket. I had $20 or $30 in there... Totally empty now... I must have been broken into. What? How can that be? I got out of my car, I checked my trunk - some snowboarding gear, a couple blankets, yoga stuff - check, check, it's all still there. Tried to think of anything else of value I may have had in there... My CDs didn't seem to have been touched... Insurance, check. Cheque book, check. So - nothing's missing but $20 or $30? Okay - good. No, NOT good. You FUCKERS! How DARE you intrude on MY space? This is MY car!!! What makes you think you have ANY right... I kinda went into shock. It's not that I care so much about my random change. It's the invasion. It's the thought that nothing is safe. What about my house? If someone will break into my car, they'll break into my house. They'll take whatever they want. It makes me feel so vulnerable. So - victimized. YOU ASSHOLE. My dad always said "don't be a victim". He taught me that victims allow themselves to be victims. So I'm trying to figure out what I did to allow this. But I know that's not what he means - it's more like, how I react to it. If I become afraid, then I'm the victim. But I AM afraid. Fear and anger alternated. They still are, but to a lesser extent. As opposed to yesterday, today I had no urge to randomly drive into anyone who MAY have broken into my car. Part of the awe of it was - if I go into shock to this extent over this, what the Hell would happen to my psyche if someone did break into my house? Or actually steal the whole damn car? After I called Brian, and sorted out my brain enough to drive, I pulled out of the parking lot and saw a police van about half a block down. I pulled up by them, and told them what had happened, just as an "FYI", incase it was useful background info for anything else in the area. One of the cops said, "Actually, a car was stolen out of this lot today. A Mazda 3." What the Hell??? On my way to Brian's place, in my side-view mirror, I noticed a dent in my door. Brian figures it looks like they Jimmied my lock. Fuckers. When I bought my car, I was told that it wouldn't start without this computer chip in the key. Brian figures whoever it was had a key programmed to work on some Mazda 3s - so basically he would have broken into random Mazda 3s until he found one that had a code in it matching the chip in the fake key. So - it seems that someone likely broke into my car, couldn't start it, stole what money he/she could find, and moved onto the next Mazda 3 in the lot. So - I suppose it could be said that I was really lucky - because the fucker didn't get my whole goddamn car. I did some searching on the internet to try to see if Mazda 3s are a big target for car thieves right now, and found nothing to that effect - Hondas and Toyotas still seem to be at the top of the list. But I did find a few articles from the last few months, detailing how apparently Mazda 3s can be easily broken into by hitting the passenger-side door in just the right spot. Unsettling - though it doesn't look like that was how mine was done... Bah. Getting too pissed off to keep typing about it. And I think y'all get the gist.

Today I had my chimney swept - hadn't done it since I moved in a couple years ago, so figured it was a good idea - plus, I've been getting birds in my fireplace, and wanted to deal with that. In the past, I've gotten a bird in there every few months, but in the past couple of weeks I got like 8 of them. He cleared a nest from RIGHT above my fireplace, and another one closer to the top. Swept the whole thing, and put up screens so no more birds can get in. So that's good.

Hrm... I've been typing for a long time. I have other things I need to do tonight... So off I go. I'll be back at some point, with more stories from the life of Brandi...