Venting...

So, I will preface this with a bit of a caveat. I know that, in the big picture, I have nothing to complain about. I know I have a good job and live in a safe, warm, place, and I am relatively healthy and all the rest. I know this, and realize that I am better off than millions, likely billions of people.



We all know this, we are all in the top 10% of lucky people. But this does not stop us from worrying and stressing-out and being frustrated with our lives sometimes.



In the fall, I find it a very cozy season, where I want to draw into myself, and focus on making my home and self happy and healthy. But this season, it seems, I am not to have that chance yet.



I have friends I've been neglecting. Not on purpose - but just by the way life happens. One of my very best friends I haven't seen since April. Her little boy is growing up so fast, and I swore I'd be right there watching every step of the way, and I haven't. I live on the opposite side of a gigantic city, and somehow something always comes up. On my end or theirs, and I'm missing them so so much. Even friends closer to me geographically, say 'hey, let's make plans'... I say 'yeah, for sure let's do that..." But then nothing happens. And I feel like I'm letting them down. And it's not that I don't want to see them, I REALLY do. And always feel better after seeing them. But in the immediate here-and-now all I want to do is hide from the things that are worrying me.



I have Grandparents on both sides who are sick and frail and not quite here and not quite gone. My maternal Grandmother doesn't recognize us granddaughters, and I don't know what to say or how to feel about it, except sad. And so, I usually have something else I'd rather do than to visit, as much as I feel so evil saying it. My paternal Grandmother recently was placed in a 'care facility' because she stopped recognizing her husband of 70 years. She is not being told the truth about where she is, or where her husband is, because the doctors don't think she can handle the fact that she won't be going home, and won't live with my grandfather anymore. And then there's my grandfather - who is physically and mentally remarkably healthy, but so so heart-sick, because of his wife's mental and physical sickness, and feels that it is HIS JOB ALONE to care for her and provide all the help she needs. It's been that way for 70 years, how can he do anything different now? They are living about 30 minutes away from eachother right now, and he hasn't driven more than 10 minutes for years, so can only visit her a few times a week, when other relatives drive him over there. We hope so dearly that he will pick up some of his old hobbies and interests again now that she won't be his full time job anymore, but are so so worried that he will just be lost without her.



And, more selfishly, I am stressed out about work. I was in the field (Whitecourt) last week all week, and tomorrow I leave (Athabasca, Whitecourt, Swant Hills) for another four days. Then I get to be home for 2 weeks, and then have another solid week in/around Fairview. This sort of travel wears me out. It uses me up and runs me down. I'm not sure what it is that is so exhausting, but I always come home feeling like I haven't slept in days. Last week I got home on Thursday, and stayed home on Friday - and slept in until 12, making that 14 hours of sleep. That is not normal!!!



When I travel with Brian, it is exciting and it lifts me up. It makes me so happy with myself and my life, and has really transformative, even healing powers. Travel for fun can heal so much in me. But this business travel stuff... Just pulls me out of my environment, my patterns, my safe places. It forces me out and puts me in situations I am not familiar or comfortable with, and I just have to deal. When I am on these trips, I can't stop worrying about whether the projector bulb will burn out, or my company-loaner-laptop will die on me, or corrupt my files. Or what if a moose wanders across the highway in front of me and I land in the ditch? Or what if I don't know the edges of the monstrous truck I've rented, and side-swipe someone else? What if I'm not entirely safe out there on my own? What if someone has miscommunicated the schedule, and I show up a couple days early, or a couple hours late? What if my alarm doesn't go off? What if I can't find the field office and have no cell reception to call for better directions? What if ANYTHING goes wrong while I have no cell reception? What about the BIG things? Plane crash, car crash, anything...



I know these things can happen anywhere at anytime... But I feel so much more vulnerable to it when I'm out there by myself, in a place I don't know, and to some extent don't understand.



This is a part of my job, and I know that. I have always made sure my boss knows I can only handle a certain level of it. In the past, it's generally been a field trip of a few days, every 3 months or so. When it happens like that, it's short and I can just hold my breath and deal with it, and come out saying "that wasn't so bad". But when it's 3 out of 5 weeks in a row, it gets to me. I've often said that if it got that frequent, I would quit. But I know this is not permanent. It's just right now. And partly because I didn't do much travel earlier in the year, so it's just getting all stacked up now, while everyone's panicking that we're heading into Q4 and still have a long list of stuff to get done. And I'm pretty sure after Fairview in October, that will be it for the year... And I MAY not have to travel next year.



And this is yet one more bit of aggravation in my life... I don't really know how much detail I should have on here, regarding my job. So I will try to keep it minimal, and apologize if it is way too vague to get. But there is a certain 'process' that I run here. There's this one 'thing' I'm in charge of, and it's currently done in a spreadsheet form. Various spreadsheets - approximately 150. I have recently been informed that this 'process' is changing. They're going to a database of sorts. It'll be more automatic, but cover-off a lot more than our current process does. And this is honestly pretty-much all I know. My boss has told me two things:



1. Your work life will change drastically.

2. You'll still have a job... Honest.



So I've been told this new process will require very minimal human input, and that my job will be to oversee it. To me, this raises an eyebrow. Am I being replaced by a computer, or not? It makes sense for the process to go this way, and if that's the fact, then I just want to know about it. But they insist I won't be out of a job... without actually telling me what my job might consist of. Does this seem odd to anyone else? Could they be setting up to lay me off, without telling me ahead of time so I keep up the 'good work' in the mean-time? I mean, I don't think so... But there's this little voice at the back of my head...



And, I think that's all the whining that's fit to share... I don't mean to whine, I really don't. But sometimes it just builds up and up and I've gotta let it out somehow. This morning I've been having problems with some new rules about how we can and cannot move files around, and it's making everything that much more complicated and annoying, and I was either about to scream or throw something, and thought a little rant might get some of this worry and frustration off my chest.



I know it doesn't fix anything, and I know I still need to figure out how to be there for my family and friends and job all at the same time, with no energy whatsoever.



Although... I've finally got an appointment with an endocrinologist in late October. Endocrinology is the study of hormones, and of course my thyroid problems are hormone problems, and my own doctor has stuck me on pills and advised me to "just deal with it" for about 10 years now. My boss was the one who actually suggested I see a specialist. Maybe she will also tell me to just deal with it, and then I'll continue to do that as best I can - but at least she might be in a position to answer my questions which I've previously only been able to turn to the internet for. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but sometimes hypothyroid sufferers do find a new doctor who manages to find a fix that turns their whole lives around... I can't even imagine how awesome it would be if my metabolism suddenly started to work properly! Omg! Energy, what's that???



Haha. Okay, enough is enough. I actually have a LOT of work to get done here before heading north again tomorrow... So instead of procrastinating and whining, I'm going to go try to get it done now. Wish me luck!

Feb. 21.

Purple Sea, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I was sick last week. Getting mostly over the cold by now. Still some coughing and a headache, but nothing serious. Back to work tomorrow. I am stressed out about work. Like, serious knot-in-stomach stressed. Don't really know why, can't really explain it. I think I'll be fine, but what I think and feel are usually two separate things.

My birthday is this week. My 'family' birthday dinner worries me, as usual. Something else I can't logically explain.

My dreams have been vivid, which makes me glad. I love when my dreams get vivid and detailed. When the spin is good, they're like little mini vacations.

Speaking of mini vacations, B and I drove out to Banff last weekend, and Canmore today. Our tiny escapes are important for our psyches, but they also mean we ignore our home. It's tough to find the balance sometimes, between work, home, and escape.

I'm loving my drawing class. I will definitely be taking more classes in the fall. But I'm struggling with whether or not I should apply as a 'real' part-time student. Should I be taking classes I can get credits for? I mean, it would take ten or twenty years to actually obtain a degree, one or two classes at a time. And I'm worried about it cutting down my options. Would I need to choose a 'direction' right away? If I stick with the 'credit free' classes, I can take whichever class tickles my fancy each semester. I'll never have any 'credits' to show for it, but do I need them? I'll love the journey, regardless.

I'm just excited to feel like an artist again. I want to feed that side of me. Honestly, I want to give it more than I can afford to. I know I need to stay practical. But again, logic has nothing to do with what I feel.

I was digging through some old photos from our trip to Europe, and found this one. I took it at Montorosso, Italy. There is something in the look on my face here, my eyes, my mouth, I don't know... Something struck me.

And now, although I'm avoiding it, because it means the weekend is over and the week is about to start... I need to go to bed. It's a quarter past eleven, and I've got a BIG week ahead of me...

Dreams & Stuff.

They've been about travel lately, and water. But that's not new. I'd say 95% of my dreams are about travel, and largely involve water. Some vivid scenes of late:

Somewhere tropical, perhaps Jamaica. Stormy and wet, but warm and exotic. Buildings - rooftops and towers. A feeling of exploration, and discovery. A specific scene that I think was related to this dream...

I find a bench along a coastline, much like my 'Brandi Bench' (I have a little wooden bench since I was a baby, that has colorful puzzle pieces in it, that spell my name.) - Only it wasn't my name on it. At first I thought it was my sister's bench, but it didn't spell her name either. I spent some time trying to read it, trying to work out the puzzle to read what it said. Eventually I realized that it was Cyrillic. In actuality, it was this bench that taught me to spell my name. I wonder if this dream was my brain reaching back to that time, so long ago? Seeing the letters, and trying to fit them together into a word?

Last night I dreamed I was in Australia. I found a little creature that needed rescue. It was a weird little creature. It was about the size (and shape) of a softball. It was really round, and not furry. Its surface was skin, and it had big eyes, and cute features. When I found it, it was really dehydrated, and I scooped it up to help it. I was near a zoo, and so went there to see if they would help. I spent a long time wandering around in the zoo, looking at the animals... Specifically I remember a kitten enclosure. Ha-ha. I know. But they were cute. And there was a snake building, but I refused to go in. I told someone that snakes were the reason I didn't want to go to Australia in the first place, and they offered to show me some friendly ones. I declined. One other thing that I really vividly remembered from this portion of the dream was an underwater exhibit. It was like a huge auditorium, with a massive (like 5 stories high) u-shaped window into an underwater seascape. Coral reefs, and brightly colored fish. I was completely mesmerized by this, and only agreed to leave when I was reminded I had a creature to save. The zoo told me they couldn't help, but sent me to a place that would help. We (some friends I was with, though no one I actually know) piled into a van, and drove to a little strip mall, with a costume shop in it. We had to dress in costumes before we went in, but discovered that they did, indeed have a animal rescue shelter in the back. The costume shop was a fundraising front. They bought the little dehydrated softball creature from me, and promised to nurse it back to health. Out front in the parking lot, there was a guy with a really old, mostly falling-apart van. It was bright green, and the doors were in the front of the van. Don't ask me how that works, but in my dream it made sense and was totally AWESOME. The inside of the van was all covered in different shades of green fun-fur. It was old, and had certainly seen better days, but was very much loved. I had a conversation with the van owner, and said something about having only been to Australia a couple times, but only on short little day-trips.

And then I woke up.

I dunno man. My dream world can be fun sometimes.

In other news...

I've had a wicked cold for a week, and have been home from work. I think I'll make it into the office tomorrow though.

I've been neglecting my self-portraits. I can't decide if I should force myself back into it, or just cut and run.

I lost my virginity 10 years ago yesterday. TMI? Whatever, it's my blog.

I was just contacted by a once-very-close-friend I haven't seen in like 10 years. No connection to the previous bit.

I turn 28 in a week. My little sister turns 26 on the same day.

And I... Have very little else to report at this time.

Goodnight.

B is for...

Balancing on bookshelves - The Flickr Group Roulette group of the day was 'Book Addicts'. I've been planning to climb onto my bookshelf for a photo anyway. Turns out it's not as comfy as I thought it would be. But I took my favorite shot of the year so far, so that's not so bad.

B is also for Bs - As-in 'Two Bs in a Blog'. We're working on redoing our travel blog. We're gonna buy a domain for it and everything - but we can't decide between .com or .ca - Thoughts, anyone?

B stands for Bouncy Tooth. As-in I had a cracked tooth which required a crown and I got the 'temporary' part today. And it's bouncy. It's very odd to me.

B is for Bikram Yoga - I attended my first Bikram Yoga class in November with my little sister. Got a Yogi Toes mat for Christmas, and will be attending my second class on Thursday. I'm hoping to aim for every week or two after that. It's hard work, but feels pretty good. Sweating's good for ya.

B is for Beach - Where Brian and I will be in just over 3 weeks. Jamaica, specifically. Woo! The countdown is SO on.

B is for Bourne Brunch - Brian and I spent the day with our friends F & D. They made us brunch (coast toast, which F has been raving about for YEARS... It was that good.) and then we watched the entire Bourne Trilogy, as Brian and I hadn't seen them, and it was time. They were good! I quite like Julia Stiles and Franka Potente, so they helped. :)

B is for bruise - I walked into the corner of our coffee table a couple days ago and have a HUGE colorful bruise to show for it. This is not important. But it started with B.

And with that, B is for Bye-bye.

Huh.

Do you ever get kinda weirded out by life?

I feel, emotionally like I am at some sort of crossroads. I can't really identify what it is, but I feel suddenly different about so many things. I feel like I need to be creative. I feel like I need to pay attention to my artsy side. I feel almost dishonest with myself or something. I don't know, I can't explain.

I'm starting an art class in January. A drawing class at ACAD. I'm so excited, because I haven't been in an art class in ~10 years. I've been wanting to go to art school all my life. I mean, more than that, even. More than I'm going to go into here.

Somehow I've always had these excuses. These reasons not to do it. I can't even count how many times I've looked at the ACAD calendar, read through all the courses, ranked the classes, planned out which ones to take. But always something would come up. I'd get sick, or busy, or I get focused on something else. I was just never able to get started.

But then I realized, I don't have to have it ALL planned out before I begin. I keep stopping because I can't see how it'll all turn out. I'm not sure what life has in store, and so I don't know what decisions to make about it. But the things I do right now are not just about the future, they're about right now as well.

This is a recurring theme for me, perhaps. I can recall a few times in my life when faced with potentially life-altering decisions, and I make no decision, for fear of making the wrong decision.

This art class is such an exciting thing for me, I can't even describe it. When I finish this class, I'll be better equipped to take another step, even if I still don't know where it will lead. It can't hurt.

There are strange things going on in my family that I don't quite understand yet. And my health is not peak. I am not enamored with my job. These things add to my desire to just close myself off and create. Ugh. Why can't I just be content with the crap I have to do?

Buh. Now I'm just moaning and complaining. Life is weird. That's not news to anyone.

B and I are taking the day off work tomorrow, we might head up to Bragg Creek. He's lived in this city for 15 years, and never been there. It's time.

Oh - PS, last night I dreamt of Vancouver. We moved to Vancouver and were hanging out on the beach. There was a tidal wave, and we had to run down the street to avoid it, but everyone told us not to worry, and that it happens all the time - no biggie. I pointed out to Brian that some children are burying themselves in the sand, under shallow water. We were trying to find help for our friend C (who in actuality we are no longer in contact with, but were close with at one time). We found some sort of park ranger, and when we brought him back to C, he started talking to another woman I didn't recognize. He called her Nicki. I kept telling him, 'no, it's C that needs help, not that other chick'. But he keeps talking to Nicki, trying to help Nicki. I believe at some point in this dream that I was also trying to explain my fear of water to someone.

Early November

I have been feeling sick, and haven't been to work all week. I've been doing exactly nothing, at home. Sleeping, watching crap tv, playing on my laptop. Sleeping. Lots of sleeping.

No, it's not the H1N1 flu. No flu at all, I don't think. Just a cold, probably playing on some thyroid issues. I know my thyroid is out of whack, but my doctor wanted another blood test before she adjusts my synthroid dosage... The plan is next week to get my blood test done, and then see her - though it's no easy task to get an appointment with any doctor at the moment.

I'll be back to work tomorrow... Lots to do. I'm sure I was barely missed, and I know I wasn't the only one away...

I feel very strange emotionally at the moment. I feel on the brink. I feel like I'm finally getting the right idea about some things, yet it's still so far out of reach.

I'm so excited for my drawing class, but it doesn't start until January. I know it'll be here before I know it, but it seems so far away still.

I have paid for some personal fitness sessions with a trainer at the YMCA. I also have promised my little sister I'd join her for some bikram yoga classes. And I am working on stocking up my home workout equipment, and working on making use of it more and more at home. I'm gaining weight as usual, and need to put a cap on it - bring it down a little. And the best way for me to do that is up my physical activity.

But then... This week I was going to go to yoga with Bri, and work out at home each day. Had quite an intense home workout on Sunday, and was so sore I was limping until Wednesday. Plus of course I woke up sick on Monday, which made me even less likely to move in any way.

So now that I'm feeling a little more human, tomorrow I go back to work - one cup of cofffee, then tea or water. One 'treat' (Friday's treat day at my office), reasonable eating habits, and if I am not way too exhausted after work, then a home workout perhaps. Or maybe I should even think about visiting the gym at lunch... Hrm...

That, truly, is all.

And now, I'm about to saunter off to bed.

Update

Blue on the Playa, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

First-off, good news about my friend (from my last post)... I visited him in the hospital on Sunday, and he was up and talking and joking and seeming like himself. He looked pretty bruised and battered, but apparently he's healing at an amazing rate. Because of the head injury, he's still not completely 'out of the woods', but apparently if he survives the week after the injury, chances are he'll survive overall - and it'll be a week since the accident in about 3 hours. Yaaaaay!!!

Other bits:
Still haven't updated our travel blog about our latest adventure... We've been home for about 10 days, but somehow our heads are still kinda swimming. Busy busy with real life, but at the same time wishing with all our might that we could avoid it.

So not wanting to face life, but knowing we have to, we are trying to focus on getting things done. Trying to eat better, cook at home more often, buy more food from the farmer's market than the grocery store. Clean house, organize. Fix stuff and deal with stuff before the snow flies.

I am gaining weight like crazy, so also attempting to get that under control - went back to the gym today for the first time in a while. Signed up to get a personal trainer today. Part of the reason I have trouble sticking to a fitness program is that I get frustrated when I can't see results, and don't know if I'm going about it the right way. If I could get help getting started, maybe I can carry it on myself. I just want to make physical activity a habit. I've been there before, where I craved it. I just need help getting back to it.

My main goal with this is health. When my physical health is good, my emotional health is good. It makes a huge difference in my life to be fit and feel good.

At some point in my life I would like to run a 5k race. I know it's silly and little, but it is something so contrary to part of me that holds me back sometimes... I don't know how to make this make sense. Maybe it's as simple as proving to myself that I can do something that for years I never would have believed I could have...

As well, my little sister recently asked me to join her in some bikram yoga classes... I told her I need to be in better shape before getting back to yoga at all, never mind bikram. She suggested we pick a date in the future to attend a class together, that that's how long I have to prepare for it, however I've gotta do it. We didn't agree on a date... But I may still...

Thirdly, Brian and I are going to Jamaica in February, and it sure would be nice to feel good in a bathing suit again.

But, as I said before - health is number one. I want to feel good, and I don't right now. I hurt all over. Lots of headaches lately, my tummy is always upset, and so many stupid little aches and pains all over. I feel like such a whiner, because I know everything I feel is a result of decisions I've made for myself - things I should or shouldn't have eaten, etc. And activity. I know I need it - but it's just so hard when I feel so bleh. Never-ending cycle, ya know?

But I'm taking steps to reverse it. Gym today, and again tomorrow - One at a time, it's all ya can do, right?

The First Thursday in May

Brigit, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Hello All.

First, I want to start off by rambling on about dreams I had last night because my dreams were vivid, and have stuck with me.

The first part had to do with dive bars and shady people. Trying to fit into a group, but not quite succeeding... Possibly some fair grounds as well... I don't remember much of this first part, but somehow it morphed into...

I'm in a big old beautiful house. There are antiques everywhere, and strange little antique-like things - Chess boards built into tables, etc. Wooden inlaid floors, colors, stories... Then there is a woman. She reminds me of 'the aunt' from Twister. She is warm and loving and maternal - by the end I'm sure she WAS my mother. There was something about discovery of family history. I'm feeling fascinated and overwhelmed by her stories and explanations of what I descended from. Across the street from this house is a little blue cottage on the side of a mountain lake. It's like a little B&B that she runs, and I fawn over it and tell her how wonderful and beautiful it is. Behind the first house, is a great big snowy mountain, and there are wild horses running (and kinda swimming... I actually pointed out to someone - 'Oh look, I didn't know horses could swim in snow like that!') and at some point I hugged 'my mother' and her mother. We were in this 3-way embrace, hugging, and crying - but it was good. Tears of happiness. Makes me think of finally being reunited or finding the answer to a long-time question.

I woke up really tired this morning. Not neccessarily because of my dreams, but possibly partially due to that. I know there was more to my dreams - I feel like I lived an entire lifetime last night!

Of course part of me worries about the whole "hugging and crying and reuniting with my mother and her mother" thing... I mean, it was good but it makes me worry about my grandmother. She is still in the hospital after a stroke a few weeks ago, and she is not doing well. We're not sure she recognizes us, and in some ways we don't recognize her - does that make sense? Anywho, my dream makes me worry in some ways that she'll leave us soon - but then thinking along those lines - should I be afraid for my own life? I'm not, really. Any more so than usual.

Another possible source for that portion of my dream is that I spent some time with my aunt last weekend (my mom's sister), and it was the first time in a long time that we've had one-on-one time. I miss her a lot, and worry that I've hurt or offended her in recent years, but I can't think of what I might have done. I know I hybernate sometimes, so maybe I was afraid of the outside world at a time when she needed me to be a more visible part of the family? I really don't know. But seeing her last weekend was so nice. Definitely a step in the right direction. It was the first time in a long time I've felt a connection to my mom's family (and in some ways my mom) in a long time. And I don't even know if it's the maternal SIDE of my family I've been missing - my counsellor suggested it was WOMEN in my family. Because really, truly, the only blood-family member I remain close to and always have is my dad. Most of my family is female, but they seem far away, like I can't reach them. I've tried for years to reconnect with my little sister, but she closes the door on me again and again. So maybe my aunt is the best person to try to reconnect with, to feel like I have a family again.

These issues, of course, run deeper than this and are more complicated than this (of course - who doesn't have family issues?) but it's something that swirls around inside my brain, so maybe that was a part of where that dream came from... Being happy to feel like I have female family members I can reach out to?

I've been exhausted this week. Brian's in Regina for work, so my routines have been thrown off, which is always exhausting. Plus trouble sleeping, stresses here and there, etc... I've also not been healthy, but I'm sure it's my own fault. Our bodies just react to what we put into them, right? So somehow somethings gone out of whack, I'm sure. I'm trying to focus now and just going back to basics. Keep it simple, natural, KNOW what's in it. Right?

Brian got home last night, and tonight we leave for Vancouver. We'll be spending the mother's day weekend visiting his mother, who lives in White Rock. We're planning to spend a day on the island - which is great, I've never been there before. I LOVE going to places I've never been! Especially a place like this - everyone who's ever known me has warned me that if I ever go to the island, I'll never want to leave. Am I about to add another place to the list of "where I'd rather live than Calgary?"

My friend T and her new tiny baby R are still doing well. He might get to leave the hospital on Monday, which would be AWESOME because I can't wait to meet him!!! He was only born 2 weeks ago, and already I'm like "he's going to grow up and I'm going to miss it!!!" haha.

Aaaanywho, I have a lot of work to do (and my body just wants to sleep, more than anything!!!) but I thought I'd check in and say 'hey'.

Brian and I will likely be updating our little adventure blog here and there this weekend, so if you are interested, come follow along with us at twobsinablog.blogspot.com and otherwise, wish us safety and health in our travels, and I wish it to all of you!

Apres Moi

Apres Moi, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Haven't blogged in a while, figured I should...

The above photo was inspired by Regina Spektor's 'Apres Moi'. I am so deeply in love with that song right now - it is constantly playing in my head. The verse she sings in Russian makes me weak and trembly. Incase you wonder...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bk34WD9d6Og

Regina Spektor rocks my socks.

I've had an intense couple of weeks since my last post. My maternal grandmother suffered a stroke a couple days after my last blog post here. She's not doing well. She's in her late 80's, and I guess the doctors aren't very hopeful. When I saw her last weekend, she was awake for a few minutes at a time, and vaguely seemed to know we were there, but she can't really speak. Apparently she'd been counting in Dutch a bit - one to a hundred, then starting back over at one again. Her brain may be trying to revert to earlier memories - Dutch was her first language. She smiled at me as I was saying goodbye, and my aunt says that's the last time she's smiled. She is now only awake for seconds at a time, and isn't saying more than a general "wha?" she probably doesn't know anyone's there. It's tough to know how much she's aware of. I'm going to go see her again on Saturday. It's hard not to cry.

Around the same time this happened, Brian and I did some yard work and I injured my back. Couldn't move the next day. Went to the doctor, and she gave me some anti-inflammatories and pain killers. I stayed home from work last week until Friday - the thought of sitting at my desk for 8 hours straight was painful. It's mostly better by now, though. I have been at work this week. There's the odd movement that hurts, I just have to be careful. Soon I'll start working on building my core strength back up. Best way to prevent re-injuries.

About a week ago I got a voice mail from the husband of one of my best friends, saying that she went into pre-term labor the night before (over 7 weeks early). The hospital gave her some injections and sent her home. Then she had to go back early the next morning. I got a phone call from him later saying that she was in active labor. He said "I don't know if you are spiritual, but please, if you are - pray for her, and for the little one."

Now, I almost curled up on the floor of the restaurant I was in at the time to cry. This girl is so important to me, I don't know what I would do if anything happened to her or the tiny life inside her. But, knowing that positivity in the universe is so much more important than negativity, I closed out those scary thoughts, and KNEW she and her baby would be okay.

The next evening I got a text saying it's a boy, and a healthy one at that! I squeeled, I laughed, I announced it to those I was with. I can't even put into words how important it is to me that he's healthy and she's healthy, and Oh my God. Really. No words.

He was 4.3 lbs, so pretty tiny - but remember, he was also 7 weeks early. Apparently otherwise he's perfectly healthy. Yes yes yes yes YES. :)

I haven't gotten to meet him yet, he's still in the hospital, as little babies must be for a bit. I can't wait though. And to give his new mom hugs and hugs and hugs. She left me a voice mail at work today, saying she's tired but everything's good. Yay!

I have busy times to come as well...

Tomorrow I've got an engineering intern starting at work, to take over the job I've had for the past 2.5 years, so I can move onto some other things. It'll be good to learn some knew stuff, a change of pace. I'm slightly concerned that we'll both wind up doing both jobs, which can lead to dropped balls, etc. but I want to think positive and just go with the flow. All I can do is wait and see how it all pans out. So I shall.

Saturday I'm having breakfast with my aunt, which'll be good - I haven't had much one-on-one time with her for a long time. After breakfast we'll visit my Grandma.

Also tomorrow, one of Brian's best friends is coming to town from Edmonton, to visit and have a little mini (24 hour) vacation, before his wife is due to give birth in a few weeks. This'll be their third, so he knows that after the baby comes he won't have a break for some time to come. I thought it was pretty brave of him to be leaving town mere weeks before his wife's due, but I guess it was her idea in the first place - and by the third, they know what to expect and when. It'll be good to see him, even if just for a bit. He leaves on Sunday.

As does Brian. He's going to Regina for work. He'll return from there on Wednesday, and on Thursday we leave for Vancouver.

We'll be in Vancouver for the mother's day weekend, visiting Brian's mom in White Rock.

There's more going on beyond that, but that's as far ahead as my brain can think right now. Too much, too much. Gotta keep some boundaries on it, or I will go insane!!! I know it.

*sigh* So tonight is a calm little island before a whole lot starts to happen... No idea what else will appear, because without fail we know life always peppers in more than expected...

I'll try to poke my head up more often, but we'll see.

'Till then, stay good, stay healthy, stay happy. Wishing greatness to all.

Another Belly Dancing Attempt...

Dancer in the Jar, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Last year I was convinced by a friend of mine to give belly dancing a try. It sounds like a fun way to inject an extra bit of activity into my life. I've taken dance classes in the past (jazz, ballroom, ballet) but let's face it - I'm not exactly shaped like a dancer. In the ballet class specifically, I felt like one of those hippo ballerinas. No good.

So belly dancing seemed like a good thing. I even found a friend (N) who was interested in taking it with me. So we showed up on time at the right place, but the class was canceled because they needed 6 people to run a class and only 4 of us showed up. We registered and paid anyway, and were told they'd keep us posted on the next class we could attend.

But then we didn't hear back. Of course, this was spring time, moving into summer - and most classes don't run during that time. Understandable. I didn't want to start a class in the fall, because of my trip to Europe (would have missed at least 3 of the 8 classes), and then it was coming up to Christmas, etc...

But early this year I found that a class was starting in March, and "N" was excited to get back into a class, and another friend of mine, "C" also was interested in joining. So we all three of us signed up.

I had to miss the first class due to an out-of-town conference for work that I couldn't miss, but I figured missing one out of the 8 would be okay.

The day before the second class, something bizarre happened between "C" and I, rendering us unable to be around each other anymore, so I called the dance school and apologized, promising I'd attend the next Intro class.

The next Intro to belly dancing class was to start tonight. Again I showed up at the right place, at the right time, as did 3 other people. This time they needed 8 to run a class - so we were 4 short.

Again we left our e-mail addresses on a list, and were promised we'd be kept in the loop on the next available class...

It's a little frustrating, because I'm already forcing myself to leave my cozy house on a Tuesday night. It's not easy for me to step outside my routine. I have an extremely poor track record with night classes, unless my job depends on them. But I'm older now, wiser perhaps.

I know I need to get out of my routine to get some color back in my life - and I'm trying!

I do really hope that I can eventually get into one of these classes. We got a very short little 30 minute 'demo' class tonight, and in that short time I used muscles I didn't know existed. I'm going to be sore tomorrow, and I love it.

*sigh* Cross your fingers for me, Wish me luck.

27

You don't know how lovely you are, originally uploaded by Brian U.

Yesterday was my birthday. I had a good one - Brian had a bouquet of flowers delivered to me at work, and then took me out for dinner at Jaroblue.

Jaroblue is on 17th Ave, and we love it. It's a tapas lounge with an amazing atmosphere, friendly staff, and fantastic food. And we feel it's priced pretty well, too.

We had olives, and smoked sturgeon ravioli, and a grilled pear and blue cheese salad, and atlantic char on tomato kasha and spicy green beans. And I had double cream brie for desert, and Brian had carrot cake. And a bottle of Ravenswood Zin along with it all.

So, 27, 27. I'm in my late 20s. And I know how ridiculous it is to be bothered by that, but I can't help it. I'll get over it, I know.

This year I am hoping to get back into running - I dabble in it here and there, but I would like to reach a new level with it. Nothing serious - I'm not competitive in the least. But I would like to challenge myself a bit with it.

Brian gave me a Nike+iPod as part of my birthday present. Basically there's a chip that goes in your running shoe, and a small attachment you plug into your iPod, and it records all your running stats. Speed, pace, distance, time, calories, etc, etc. I haven't tried it yet, but apparently it'll give you verbal coaching if you want it, as well as things like playing one of your chosen 'power songs' when it detects that you need motivation. Then of course you can log in online and see all sorts of charts and stats on your running progress.

I'm a huge nerd in terms of graphs. I want to graph everything. It's hugely motivating - it's trends and progress I can see.

Also this year I hope to get back into my creativity a bit again. Likely through photography... I'd like to get back into some self portraits - I might even try my hand at making up some characters and writing stories to go with. Dunno yet, but I'm feeling very antsy lately in a way that makes me think I'd like to create something new.

We have no travels planned for the year. We have some ideas, but nothing is realistic yet. We do actually have tickets to Burningman, but we're not really sure we'll use them yet. Also in the running, road trips - always road trips. Alberta, BC. Possibly the states. I'd love to go somewhere tropical, Brian talks a lot about Vegas. We'd both love to go back to Europe, but it likely won't be this year. I'd also really like to see some of Eastern Canada. So basically, we have it narrowed down to Earth.

But we also might just focus close to home this year. We're still working on bathroom renovations, and once that's done we're getting really eager to replace floors, and some windows and of course yard work in the summertime...

Work is a little (a lot) stressful at the moment, but I won't go into detail about that here.

I also just got a program for my computer to manage recipes. It seems like a pretty good little program so-far. I just played around a bit with it tonight, but looks like it'll be really good.

I'm tired and need to aim for bed now though. Just wanted to post a little birthday bit.

What on Earth to say?

Inclinazione, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I don't know what to say. I don't know how to say it. I have no concept who (if anyone) reads this blog, so a certain level of privacy must be maintained... Which is tough when the thoughts swirling in my head are so so deeply personal.

My world has been turned upside down. Something happened that I couldn't have imagined. I mean, there were times I was afraid it would happen, but I truly didn't think it would happen. Not yet, anyway. But it did. And it shattered my world.

I don't know what will happen. I'm in a state of limbo right now. Crying, sleeping, blankly existing. Y'know how sometimes something hurts so much, you just stop feeling it?

I have a really accident-prone friend who says the big injuries usually don't hurt as much as the little ones, because your body can only handle so much pain before it just stops feeling it.

That's kind-of where I'm at, emotionally.

Today is February 1. Tomorrow is Imbolc. I could read into that, but don't know if I'm strong enough to. Which is probably gibberish to anyone reading this, but... I kinda don't care. No offense.

So, since this is the first of the month, I guess it might make sense to set out some ideas of what I hope for this month to bring.

Clarity. Not crystal, because that's asking a bit much in 4 weeks. But... I hope for things to be a little more clear. I hope to comprehend my reality a little better. I have no idea which way everything will go. I have two very obvious answers swirling around in my head, directly opposing one-another.

I am going away next week for work. I hope I can use that time to escape from my personal crap and see things from 'the outside'. I also hope I don't drink too much and become the crazy chick who cries uncontrollably when she drinks. Ha. Actually, I may not drink at all. Part of me just wants to escape reality any way I can, but I also don't exactly feel okay with giving up any level of control.

I am starting Belly dancing classes. Supposed to start this week, but I'll miss my first class. Should give me something to focus on, something fun and active to get me out of my head.

Often times I want to create when I'm hurting, but it requires tapping into my emotions, and everything's still a little too strong to deal with.

I'm not even brave enough to listen to music, or read a book.

I just spin in a little circle thinking and rethinking and crying and sleeping and thinking some more.

Really (and I'm warning this is seriously selfish of me) I am hoping for the apocalypse. Just - let's all just not deal with crap anymore. If 'the big one' hits, we'll never have to deal with anymore pain. Our own, or anyone else's.

Y'know the boom-de-yada commercial on Discovery Channel? It's always given me chills up my spine, and butterflies in my stomach. It fills me with this overwhelming joy of being alive. I can't explain it. But when I saw it today it made me burst into tears, becuase all I could think was "Bullshit."

A good friend of mine sent me a link to http://graceinsmallthings.ning.com/. I'm going to try to take part, because I can use all the help I can get to not let this thing swallow me.

I signed up and only read it briefly, and I might be doing it wrong so-far. But something I read said to start with listing 5 blessings in your life per day. I think Cara does 7 per week. So I dunno. But right now, 'cause I could use a challenge, I'm going to list 5 things.

1. I am physically healthy
2. I have two wonderful furry cats who will love me and cuddle with me regardless of whatever else happens
3. My place of work is understanding about personal emergencies
4. I have friends and family who will support me whether or not they think I'm making the right decisions.
5. There are more people who care about me than I thought.

December

To be honest, I hate this month. I know that makes me a bad person, and I apologize. I really wish I could just skip it altogether. But I'm not going to sit here moaning and complaining about it. Just... If I don't seem thrilled, it's December's fault.

My dreams have been mostly of work lately. Work stress. Forgetting to do things, offending people, saying the wrong things, trying to get a point across, but not being heard. Last night it was about codes and regulations and I was arguing over something should be under "this" code or "that" code. And I also remember arguing that traffic collisions should be called collisions, not accidents.

I did spend the last 3 days in a course on CSA Z662... Oil and Gas Pipelines Construction and Inspection Codes. I blame it.

After 3 solid days of being in a course, my already far-to-heavy work load got much worse. Add to that the fact that the year is coming to an end, and I only have like 12 work days left before January. WHAT? The fact that I'm constantly dreaming (nightmaring?) about work crap tells me I'm too stressed-out over it. And of course when I'm having crappy dreams all night, I'm tossing and turning and waking up and not getting a good sleep. Which sends me to work soooo tired, and incapable of taking-on the world. Ya know? The work load builds, I can't do everything to the best of my ability, the stress gets worse, the dreams get worse... It's a never ending cycle. Wtf? Ugh.

And it's Christmas. I promised not to rant about my hatred for Christmas. So I shan't. But. Ugh.

Wow, this is a really crap blog-post. Okay, I'm going to take a cue from Ms. Carter, and list 7 blessings:

1. My pregnant friend sent me pictures from her ultrasound, and in one of them the baby looks like he/she is waving. She and her baby are happy and healthy, which means so much to me.

2. A psychic told me that said friend's baby and I are kindred spirits. I got goosebumps when the psychic was explaining this to me - she said I would look into this baby's eyes, and we would know and understand eachother immediately. When I told my pregnant friend about this, it made her cry - but she assured me they were happy-pregnant-tears.

3. I bought a new camera last weekend. Nikon D90 - It's pretty. It has video capabilities. I've been playing with it a bit, but not enough yet.

4. I signed-up for flex-benefits at work. Last year I procrastinated until after the deadline, so I got the auto-assigned benefits. This year I was able to tailor my benefits to my situation, which left me with enough "flex dollars" to purchase 8 extra vacation days for next year. I already get 3 weeks vacation, plus 12 flex days. So... Next year altold I should have 35 days, or 7 weeks. That's insane. I love it.

5. I am not having financial problems. I have, in the past, endured some very scary financial situations. I am bumping along just fine now, and have to remember that life is SO much better, knowing I can pay my bills and afford to eat.

6. I am part of a healthy and loving relationship. I know so many people out there are not, and like the financial thing, a good or bad relationship has such a profound affect on every aspect of life. Next week is our 2 year anniversary, and we've got reservations for dinner somewhere we've never been. It's a surprise. I like these kinds of surprises. I'm lucky to have the man that I do.

7. My family and friends are all relatively healthy. There have been times when this wasn't so, and I know that there will be sickness and death in the future. But for now, the people I love are okay. And that is amazing.

:) Okay, I actually feel much better now. I am a lucky person. I am in a good situation. Compared to those in my community, my city, my country, I have it good. Compared to millions of women all over the world, I'm fantastically wealthy. How many millions of women in the world are still not allowed to own property? How many entire families live in a home the size of my bedroom? I am amazingly fortunate, and am kind-of ashamed to realize how often I forget that.

Huh.

In a Different Place and Time

Ceiling Fan, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I haven't been online in a while. I mean, I've still been checking up on my favorite websites and blogs and finding new ones, but I haven't been posting anything.

I'm not checking Facebook regularly, I haven't even been looking at Flickr.

Last November I started a photo project which demanded a self portrait each week for a year. I made it up to week 20-something. I feel guilty for having quit the project. Part of me wants to go back to it, but most of me really doesn't.

Sometimes I just don't want my face online. Sometimes I don't feel like sharing with the world.

I went through a period of hiding, trying to figure things out on my own. Not wanting to share or reach out to the world.

I eventually managed to sort things out and pull my thoughts into a more positive place, but with that came the desire to try new things. So again, my online persona (and camera) got ignored.

I still don't know if I feel ready to share with the online universe again, but I thought I'd just poke my head up, and say - I'm still around, but in a different sort of way.

I have been taking some photos still, but am quite behind on posting them (I'm still posting from February). And none of them are self portraits. Perhaps I'll get back to that, but I can't promise.

I have ideas, but lack the motivation perhaps to make them happen in most cases.

I am most of the way through a Photoshop class at ACAD, which has been fun. I still don't feel like I have a REAL handle on the program, but I have enough basic knowledge to play around with it and figure out what I want to. But the key is to make myself DO it.

Mostly, I tend to blame the fact that I never want to be on my computer when I'm at home. It's up in my office, away from Brian and the kitties. I sit in front of a computer away from Brian all day, and really enjoy the time we spend together at home on evenings and weekends. So to dissappear upstairs by myself seems odd.

So, what have I been spending my time on? Mostly domestic stuff. I tend to be a slob, and housework is one of my most hated tasks. But I've been trying hard to work on that. Part of why I hate it so much is that it is ALWAYS there, hanging over my head as something I haven't done, and is too big to deal with right now. So I'm trying to change my view of it. I'm working really hard at doing a little bit of it often, and eventually I'll get on top of it. Also things like cleaning AS I cook, etc. My house is gradually getting cleaner and more organized. I still have a long way to go, but at least I'm on my way.

I've also been doing a bit of cooking. Trying new recipes. Being newly vegetarian has forced Brian and I to try a lot of different recipes we've never had before. I'm also working on cutting as much dairy out of my diet as possible. I'm not going vegan, as I'm still eating eggs and honey. And I'm not even quitting dairy, just cutting out as much of it as I can, wherever I can. If we go out for dinner, it's practically impossible to be vegetarian AND dairy-free. So for now it's just when I'm at home, and on the rare occaision when I can find dairy-free options in restaurants.

I'm hoping the lack of dairy will help with my chronic skin problems. I've read a lot that seems to indicate that it should.

I've been excercising a lot too - taking classes at the Y. My favorite classes are the Stability ball and BOSU classes.

Spring is here as well, which also takes my focus outside. Working in the yard, going out with friends. Rarely do I want to sit inside at my computer when it's so beautiful and newly warm outside.

I do hope to get excited about my camera again, and get back to creating some beauty I want to share.

Close Call

Week 19, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

This morning, on our way to work, Brian and I were very nearly involved in a head-on collision.

We were turning left from northbound Dartmouth Rd (bottom of highfield road), to westbound 25 Ave SE. Our light was green.

Suddenly, as we turned into the intersection, a blue/green pick-up truck (going very fast) came straight at us (travelling East in the westbound lanes). Brian managed to slam-on the brakes in time, and the truck had room to careen past us. If we were a second or two sooner, or if the truck was a second or two later, we would have hit head-on.

The pieces started to fall into place as we saw that this truck was being followed by a police cruiser with lights flashing. The cruiser proceeded more cautiously through the intersection, and a moment or two later, another followed.

Once we were able to discern what was obviously going on (Car chase. Never actually been witness to one before.), we proceeded slowly around the corner - only to see someone lying face down in the middle of the road (in the eastbound lanes), with another police cruiser parked nearby.

My first thought was that the truck must have hit that person - Must be a hit 'n' run. But then realized that the person lying face-down in the road was being handcuffed.

I can only imagine what the whole story is - I find that when I witness police in action, I can rarely ever find any details in the news or anywhere else.

It was a very sobering experience, though. We were SO close to a really horrible accident. It is a terrifying thing to realize.

In other news, there were firetrucks on my street last night. Lights flashing, but no sirens. The second one left pretty quick, but the first one stayed a while. Must have been a medical emergency - I hope whoever needed help is doing okay.

Aug. Now I have a giant lump in my throat. I'm going to get back to work now and think about some nice, non-emotional numbers and spreadsheets. Mmmmm, pipeline specs...

Health Quest

Pax, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I mentioned in my last post that I am attempting to make my health a very serious priority. This is not an attempt to lose weight, but it is an attempt not to gain weight. Unless it's muscle-weight, which is fine.

Part of this is dietary. No meat at the moment, which was meant to force me into "high fibre, low fat". However, I seem to be replacing meat with dairy. Too much of it. Which is not much better for me. So now I am also focusing on cutting down on the dairy. I want vegetables, grains, fruits to be the focus of what I eat... I'm working on it day by day, some days are better than others.

The other part of this quest is activity. I've rarely been as active as I should be, with a few exceptions.

In '98 and '99, I had a summer job which had me on my bicycle 40 hours a week. Needless to say, that whipped me into shape fairly quickly. But my activity always dropped back to very-low as soon as school started again.

In January of 2003, I took up yoga and loved it. I started with 2 classes a week, but a few months later I was up to 5-6 classes a week. I believe that was the best shape I've ever been in. But in late August, my mother died and I quit yoga. I gained about 40 pounds in 6-9 months, and kept it for a couple years. Once every month or two I could convince myself to go for a jog or something, but I never stuck with any sort of routine. Apart from walking a few blocks to and from the bus stop every day, I pretty much just sat and did nothing.

In summer/fall 2006 I lost about 30-40 lbs without meaning to, and without even realizing it. I was not being any more active, I was just eating less. To the point where my friends became worried and had to point out to me that I wasn't getting enough calories in a day. It sounds strange to say, but I really hadn't known it until they said it out loud. And then it was SO obvious to me. I was eating practically nothing - I constantly felt sick and dizzy, and my clothes were all too big, but everything else in my life kept me from paying attention to it.

So then I was on a mission to make myself eat more. For a while I tried to make myself eat as much as I could in a day, just to get my daily recommended calories. But then, all of a sudden, I realized I was eating too much again. My portions were too big. I was gaining too much weight back.

So for the past year or so, I have been working on eating the right amount of the right foods. But it's not all about food. So I've been working on being more active as well. In the past year, I've worked out on average 1.6 times per week. This includes either 20-30 minutes of cardio plus stretching and strength training at the gym, a yoga class, or a full day of hiking or snowboarding. I have been tracking these things since February '07.

In November I noticed that my activity level was dwindling rapidly, so again I tried to ramp-it-up again. At this point I also started tracking my exact activity, and weight. Again, I'm not trying to lose weight. But the more I can track, the more motivated I tend to feel. In the past 4 months, I've worked out on average 2.4 times per week. This is pretty good, considering I was on Christmas vacation for 2 weeks in there (and did nothing during that time), plus a very lazy week in Mexico in January. If we take those 3 weeks out of the calculation, it's 3.1 times per week on average. Again - Not bad.

However, I've not been feeling any different. My body doesn't seem to notice the change in activity level. In the past, that type of change would have been SO apparent, in every other aspect of my life - but at the moment I still just feel like I'm not doing enough somehow. My weight has bounced around within a 5 pound range since September - up and down and up and down. Perhaps the fact that it's always the same TYPE of activity is to blame?

So Brian and I are planning to start taking yoga classes again in March, Monday and Thursday nights. I remember noticing a HUGE difference in my body with yoga in the past, so perhaps it'll give me the motivation I need to keep on this quest.

Also, my friend Heather has convinced me to give belly dancing a try. According to her it is an INCREDIBLE core workout, and it sounds fun besides. I'm waiting to see if I can start late in a class that began last week, but all signs point to yes.

So - Continuing to go to the gym on my lunchhours, plus yoga on Monday and Thursday nights, plus a bellydancing class on Tuesdays or Wednesdays - If this doesn't help me to get and stay in shape, I don't know what will.

And now, it is time to act on all this rambling, and go to the gym.

Silence

First Star I See Tonight, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I have been quiet here. Not quiet all around, but here - on this front. I have thought about closing this blog, thinking "I have other interests, other priorities, I don't want a blog". But then I think about the things it COULD be, if only I really wanted it to be...

Nonsense? Usually.

I think about turning it back into a dedicated dream blog. Sometimes I want it to be a journal. Sometimes I want to force myself back into fictional writing, and perhaps this would give me a place to do that... I don't know... For now, some really brief updates on the past year or so...

Brian and Spaces (his kitty) live with me now. We are working on home renovations when we can find moments to do it.

I am focusing my creative energy on photography, although I feel I'm at a wall in a sense - I want to do more with it, but feel like I don't have the knowledge required to take it much further... I am working on the "52 Weeks" project - a self portrait every week for a year. The photo posted here was from the same photoshoot as my "Week 15" shot. It's an interesting project sometimes.

Work is work. Always busy, stressful, but rewarding in the end.

Brian and I went on little mini weekend-trips every month last year until August. In August we went to Burningman. It was a pretty awesome trip. We rented a truck and camper, and lived in it for 2 weeks on our way to and from Burningman. Brian had never been, and it was exciting to introduce him to Black Rock City.

We won't be attending Burningman this year. The theme this year is "The American Dream", which pisses me off more than I care to get into right now... Perhaps a rant for another day.

But even if it weren't for the theme, I don't know if I need to go back. This year was my third. It was still the amazing, surreal, unimaginable place it's always been, but I also would really like to do some other travel. I want to see other places and meet other people and experience other things that I never have before. And when I only have 2-3 weeks per year to travel, I can pretty much only do one "big" trip a year.

This fall was full of everything. Too busy for anything. Brian gave up his apartment in October, and "officially" moved in.

We've both been trying to focus on our health - better eating habits, more excercise. I've been going to the gym on most of my lunch hours. 4 times a week, on average I'd say. I'm hoping to add some yoga back into the mix again - Brian and I are going to take a class together on Monday and Thursday nights starting in March.

I went to Mexico in January with my sisters, my aunt, and her best friend. It was an amazing experience as well - having never been anywhere outside of Canada and the U.S. Mexico was so incredible, and I want to go back with Brian and my camera.

Brian and I are not eating meat until the end of February (Brian started January 1, I started when I got back from Mexico, on January 12). We are trying it out to see if we feel any differently, health-wise. I think Brian has noticed more of an effect than I have - He's lost 17 pounds. I still feel tired as usual, but I think that's just something I'll always have to deal with. This diet has forced me to eat more vegetables, which is awesome. Plus it's got me trying out a lot of new recipes. We are undecided whether or not we'll go back to meat at the end of it - Currently we're thinking maybe just seafood - we miss sushi. If I do start eating fish again, though, I'll make a point to only eat sustainable ones.

We've been making a big effort to be more "green" in general. We're composting everything we can, and have installed a programmable thermostat in my house - and just got a more energy-efficient refrigerator... Babysteps.

Okay, having been out of the blogging world for quite some time, I don't have much energy for it... But thought I'd give it a shot and see how it feels...

Dream - Plane Crash

Over There, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I was in my front yard, and I saw a plane flying REALLY low over my house. It flew sharply upwards, around, and then crashed in front of my dad's house. It was a small plane. Long and skinny, but only room for about 3 people up front. The pilot ran away.

When I looked through the windows to see if anyone else was hurt, I saw a father and two children, badly burnt. Barely human anymore. There was a little girl and a little boy, and they had been sitting on their father's lap.

Much of this dream was just sadness, and shock. The scene of those burnt bodies was really brutal. I rarely dream such gruesome things. I don't know what makes it happen.

I think later in the dream my dad was taking the plane apart and trying to put it back together, but the overwhelming part of the dream was that little family, dead.

I woke up with a feeling that things aren't okay. People who don't deserve it are hurting and suffering. I felt a little afraid at the brutality of reality. Too delicate for it.

Due to a current thyroid imbalance, my emotions are heightened, and my control over them is weakened. My theory is that these dreams are coming from that, but then I wake up feeling so disturbed by the dreams, that I start each day upset, worried, afraid, wanting to run away and hide. I'm working on getting it all balanced out. One of these days.

Updates, updates...

Hrm... Updates? 'Kay:

It's been an interesting week.

On Saturday night, Brian and I got all dressed up and went out for dinner at the revolving restaurant at the top of the Calgary Tower. I hadn't been there in probably 15 years, so it was a new experience for me. They've renovated recently, and they have these horseshoe-shaped booths facing outwards... Really private and beautiful - you just sit there and watch the city slide past... The food was fantastic, from beginning to end - perfect atmosphere, all of it. Also, my little sister and her boyfriend had reservations there for the same night, so it was cool to see her and chat for a bit. They didn't get a wicked booth like Brian and I did, but they didn't really seem to care.

On Sunday, Brian and I went wandering around taking pictures. He rented a Nikon D200 for the weekend again, so I was able to use his Nikon D70. We decided there might be some interesting stuff in the East Village, because they're tearing so much of it down - it's in this state of transition...

So, as we were taking some shots of the outside of the recently shut-down St. Louis, a guy in a truck drove up and asked what we were up to. We explained that we were just taking photos. He said he was the guy who takes care of the building - then, to our surprise, he asked if we'd like to look around inside. We were both a little stunned, but were able eventually to enthusiastically respond - "Would we! Could we? Awesome!!!" so he drove around front and opened it up for us - Turned on the lights, and wandered around with us for about 3 hours. We got to see every room in the building, top to bottom. It was breathtaking, in so many different ways. It was so heart-wrenching, such a different world than I'm in from day-to-day. The filth, the dark - This sense of hopelessness. Abandon hope, all ye who enter here... If those walls could talk, you probably wouldn't want to hear half of what they said. Every corner of the building seemed to whisper secrets, stories, dark and sad memories. We got lots of photos, of course - and you can see mine here.

On Monday, I received some potentially scary health news. It's one of those "nothing to worry about... yet" things. I just have to watch and wait and see what test results say in 6 weeks. In all honesty it's probably nothing, but Monday was hard on me. Not a good start to the week. I felt ill (probably a combination of nerves, phantom pain, and PMS cramps) and so I left work around lunch time. That evening, the fabulous Cara came over to my place and we ate chocolate fondue and she did a fantastic job of cheering me up and calming me down. She's gone through the EXACT same thing, and so it felt good to talk to someone who knew first-hand what she was talking about.

On Tuesday night, Brian and Nathan and a bunch of their friends shot a Big Rock commercial for the Eddies. They've had the idea floating around for a few years apparently, but just managed to make it work this year. The Rose and Crown was nice enough to block the upstairs off for them. I got to be an extra - I sat in the background and drank beer. It was really interesting to be witness to the process, though. Editing is still being done on it, but I'm really excited to see the finished product. I hope it does well - they deserve it. I don't know what the competition is like, but it'll have to be REALLY tough, for these guys not to nail it.

Yesterday afternoon, as I was getting into my car after work, I noticed that my glove compartment was open, and everything that had been in it was pulled out all over the passenger seat. I froze, I looked around, tried to figure out what could have happened. Could it have just popped-open on its own? But then everything wouldn't be strewn ALL over. Could someone have broken in? But none of my windows are broken... Did I lock my car? I'm SURE I would have... What on Earth? Then I saw my little change bin - empty, pulled out of it's pocket. I had $20 or $30 in there... Totally empty now... I must have been broken into. What? How can that be? I got out of my car, I checked my trunk - some snowboarding gear, a couple blankets, yoga stuff - check, check, it's all still there. Tried to think of anything else of value I may have had in there... My CDs didn't seem to have been touched... Insurance, check. Cheque book, check. So - nothing's missing but $20 or $30? Okay - good. No, NOT good. You FUCKERS! How DARE you intrude on MY space? This is MY car!!! What makes you think you have ANY right... I kinda went into shock. It's not that I care so much about my random change. It's the invasion. It's the thought that nothing is safe. What about my house? If someone will break into my car, they'll break into my house. They'll take whatever they want. It makes me feel so vulnerable. So - victimized. YOU ASSHOLE. My dad always said "don't be a victim". He taught me that victims allow themselves to be victims. So I'm trying to figure out what I did to allow this. But I know that's not what he means - it's more like, how I react to it. If I become afraid, then I'm the victim. But I AM afraid. Fear and anger alternated. They still are, but to a lesser extent. As opposed to yesterday, today I had no urge to randomly drive into anyone who MAY have broken into my car. Part of the awe of it was - if I go into shock to this extent over this, what the Hell would happen to my psyche if someone did break into my house? Or actually steal the whole damn car? After I called Brian, and sorted out my brain enough to drive, I pulled out of the parking lot and saw a police van about half a block down. I pulled up by them, and told them what had happened, just as an "FYI", incase it was useful background info for anything else in the area. One of the cops said, "Actually, a car was stolen out of this lot today. A Mazda 3." What the Hell??? On my way to Brian's place, in my side-view mirror, I noticed a dent in my door. Brian figures it looks like they Jimmied my lock. Fuckers. When I bought my car, I was told that it wouldn't start without this computer chip in the key. Brian figures whoever it was had a key programmed to work on some Mazda 3s - so basically he would have broken into random Mazda 3s until he found one that had a code in it matching the chip in the fake key. So - it seems that someone likely broke into my car, couldn't start it, stole what money he/she could find, and moved onto the next Mazda 3 in the lot. So - I suppose it could be said that I was really lucky - because the fucker didn't get my whole goddamn car. I did some searching on the internet to try to see if Mazda 3s are a big target for car thieves right now, and found nothing to that effect - Hondas and Toyotas still seem to be at the top of the list. But I did find a few articles from the last few months, detailing how apparently Mazda 3s can be easily broken into by hitting the passenger-side door in just the right spot. Unsettling - though it doesn't look like that was how mine was done... Bah. Getting too pissed off to keep typing about it. And I think y'all get the gist.

Today I had my chimney swept - hadn't done it since I moved in a couple years ago, so figured it was a good idea - plus, I've been getting birds in my fireplace, and wanted to deal with that. In the past, I've gotten a bird in there every few months, but in the past couple of weeks I got like 8 of them. He cleared a nest from RIGHT above my fireplace, and another one closer to the top. Swept the whole thing, and put up screens so no more birds can get in. So that's good.

Hrm... I've been typing for a long time. I have other things I need to do tonight... So off I go. I'll be back at some point, with more stories from the life of Brandi...