Isn't this a fantastic image? I love the structure, the colors, all of it is just - gorgeous.

I've been having bizarre, vivid dreams lately. That doesn't surprise me, as there is a lot going on in my life right now.

On Friday night, I dreamt that I was in my car with someone - I don't know who. We were stopped behind a black SUV at a red light, and it was dark out. Suddenly this guy walks along from behind my car, pulls out a gun, and kills 4 men in the SUV in front of me. When I saw what was happening, I tried to sink down in my car, so not to draw attention. I was trying to curl up as low under the dash as I could, but he saw me anyway. He fired two shots into my car, I think hoping to hit each of us, but both bullets hit me. I got one in the cheek, and one in the abdomen. After that part, I don't really remember much except that I kept asking for someone to help me, and everyone was like "Whatever. People get shot. It happens. Get over it."

On Saturday night, I dreamt that I was out partying, and met Britney Spears. We started talking, and I found her to be really nice, and a lot of fun. I was really blown away by what a sweetheart she was, and found it really sad that she gets so torn apart by the tabloids. But then the next day, I realized that I had something of hers - It was this little cellphone/music player kinda thing. I knew there were personal details in it, so I wanted to get it back to her as soon as possible. It was really hard to find her, and when I finally did find her, she was a total bitch to me. She was so angry at me for "stealing" this thing from her, but she had left it behind. She screamed and swore at me about all of "us" being the same, out to get her - out to attack. I tried to explain to her that I had NO desire to attack her - I told her it's just not in me. I don't set out to hurt people. But she was convinced that I'd sold all her personal details to the tabloids.

On Sunday night, I don't really remember anything but crowds of people in cages.

Last night I remember dreaming about Tarah. I think Brianne may have been there too, but I'm not sure. I said something that made Tarah laugh, and I got so excited - thinking that if she could laugh at a joke of mine, maybe she would be able to treat me like a fellow human being. I don't know what happened in the dream, but I know by the end of it I was in tears over something she'd done or said, and I was so upset about not being allowed to get away from her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Updates from me:

- Still working like crazy, but I finally feel like it's paying off.
- Love my new job, department, boss, all of it. I am so so happy to be where I am right now in terms of my career.
- Got informed of my raise and bonus on Friday, and my new boss has come through for me like my old one never bothered to. I won't talk about dollar amounts, because I know it's taboo or something - But I can talk in percentages, right? Well, I've had a few raises this year, but between January '06 and January '07, my salary has been upped by 27%. And my bonus? 20% of my current salary. See what I mean when I say I am finally feeling appreciated? Now if only this stuff would kick-in BEFORE Christmas, it would help a lot...
- Met a man at my friend Katherine's Christmas party, and have been spending some time with him - getting to know him, and enjoying the process intently.
- I'm intensely stressed-out about Christmas. Partly because of all the random Goddamn shopping I have to do, regardless of whether I can afford it or not. And partly because I have to see Tarah 3 fucking days in a row.

Okay, I think that's it for now. I'll probably come back and leave a farewell-for-the-holidays post tomorrow, because I'm off work at noon, and don't have to come back until January 2. Woo!

Amy's Birthday, Bits of a Dream, and Movie Control

Today is Amy Lee's 25th birthday. I know most of y'all couldn't care less, but I'm a fan - so there.

I don't remember entirely what I dreamt last night (I slept deeply), but I remember some tiny bits. I remember my mom, wearing some sort of bright 70's mumu. And there was something about her holding up fabric that was camouflaging with her dress... There was also something about babies, possibly baby animals.

And unfortunately, that is ALL the detail I can scrape together about my dreams last night. I know you're all terribly dissapointed by that.

I have to admit, the baby animals may have been there because my roomie and I watched some Discovery TV last night. We saw documentaries on hyenas, then lions, then wolves. Pretty interesting, of course. What shocked the Hell out of me, was that Neil sat through them, and even enjoyed them. Slowly but surely, I'm opening his mind a little, in terms of entertainment.

Neil loves cartoons. And monsters and zombies and robots and superheroes and horror. He knows a lot about those movies - more than anyone else I've met. However. He's completely close-minded about movies that don't include any of those things.

Recently, there have been some movies that I've been interested in renting, and he just won't. He won't even entertain the possibility that it might be a good movie, if it has nothing to do with his monsters/zombies/etc.

But. He and I were at the video rental place about a week ago, and not agreeing on what to get. I always just let him pick, and not say anything - because I can tend to find something to enjoy about any movie. But this time there were a few I really badly wanted to see. But Neil was having none of it.

So we decided to each pick one out. He chose Slither and I chose Strangers with Candy. I have to admit, SwC wasn't on the very top of my list, but it was in my top 5 (only because I love Stephen Colbert) and Neil had reacted positively to the preview, even though he was now saying he had zero interest in it.

So of course we watch Slither first, because boys care more about things like watching their movies first. It sucked. And I say this with full conviction. I swear to you - It takes A LOT for me to say there wasn't anything good about a movie - It was absolutely the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. And I've seen some bad ones. Especially since August... Hm...

Before you think I'm being the closed-minded one, Neil hated it to. He was like "Wow, you were right - that reeeeeally sucked."

And then, when he finally agreed to put up with my movie - He freakin' LOVED it. He's been quoting lines from it non-stop. He'll even start just randomly laughing out of nowhere, and when I raise my eyebrows at him, he'll say some line or bring up a scene from it. He's even called it the best movie ever - Although I still don't believe he would ACTUALLY place it above Star Wars or the Alien movies. But whatever.

Part of me thought that perhaps he would see that there is some possibility that I could pick out a good movie. I sat him down and chatted with him about maybe being a little more open-minded about movies. He was actually surprised - At first he was totally caught off guard, but I gave him specific examples, and he realized he was being a little ridiculous. And in the end he actually apologized, saying he really didn't realize what a movie-nazi he was being. He blamed his childhood as usual, but promised to make an effort to listen to my opinion on movies too.

I don't even have any desire to make him sit through chick-flicks or anything. I would never want to make anyone sit through something they don't enjoy. I just truly believe that he could enjoy a lot more movies if he were open to trying them. Ya know?

So - Whatever. I'm still not convinced I'll have any say in the movies we rent, but again - I also don't care THAT much. Which is why I will never see the movies I want - Only what the other person wants.

I don't even mean to make it sound like Neil's the only one who's ever done that, he's just an example - throughout my entire life it's been that way, and I know it's just because of my personality. I'm just noticing it now because I spent a few years living entirely alone, so it was always my choice, and I got to see exactly what I wanted to see. And it was the first time ever. And I discovered a lot of really fantastic stuff that I NEVER would have seen, if I was renting with anyone else. And now I kinda miss it.

See, what would solve this problem would be to meet someone as movie-ecclectic as me. Someone else who really is as open to whatever as me. That would be sweet. Then I could suggest movies I have an interest in, without anyone pulling up their noses, saying "that looks boring. That looks weird. That has subtitles." Eeeeek, oh no! Subtitles, we mustn't READ for two hours in a row, that would be disasterous!

Hehe. I like normal movies too. But I don't understand the concept of spending ALL your time in the mainstream, when there are so many different areas out there. There are so many amazing and bizarre things that will NEVER come close to the mainstream. Bah.

Whatever. I didn't mean to rant, but I did. Now it's time for me to go home.

Thankfully, it does not look like this outside today. But I still wanted to post this picture for a few reasons.

One, I adore it. Of course. Anyone who knows me just a little bit would know how much this photo speaks to me. If you enjoy it as much as I do, you should go see the rest of Brian's photos. There are a couple more fantastic blue ones there too, which will likely find their way onto my blog before too long...

Secondly, I wanted to talk about another one of my common dreamscapes, and this photo works well for it.

This particular dreamscape is probably my most common one. I can't be sure of course, but my impression is that the vast majority of my dreams take place here. The "here" is hard to explain. Infact, I can't even talk about what it IS, only what it seems like and feels like and reminds me of.

It's almost like a combination office building/shopping mall/school. Mostly I think it looks like a mall - but the "stores" aren't stores. Sometimes they are classrooms and sometimes they are meeting rooms, and sometimes they are pink and black arcades (random, I know). There are low, small, sets of stairs - like in a mall, four steps beside a ramp and a metal railing. There is one area that is like a food court or a cafeteria. I'm not usually eating there, but there is food around. The tables are dark orange. When I'm there, I'm usually with other people. The aspects of it that remind me of a school, remind me of a highschool - not a university or elementary. Sometimes there these greyish-white +15s. They seem transparent and sterile. And they're not just on the second floor, they go all the way up - connecting most floors to other buildings. When I am in these +15s, the mall/school seems more like a mall/office tower. In this "officey" environment, I am on the top floor, and the walls and ceiling are glass. I can see the people on the top floors of all the other buildings. There are no walls or hallways, it is just open - Full of mingling people in suits.

The weirdest thing about this place (to me) is that it leaves me with this sense of patterns, organization, systems, rules. I don't feel controlled or pressured, it's more of a feeling of things being in their little places, and happening how they should. How they do. When I wake out of these dreams, I am often left with images of charts and graph paper and neat little boxes in neat little shelves.

The story line (or overall emotion) always changes with this setting - Waaaay back in the day (in my teen years), I remember dreaming about this place and feeling like a grown-up. It used to make me excited to get out on my own and be independent. But more recently, the stories have been less vivid. It's like I dream about this place when my subconscious has nothing profound to say. Or maybe it's to say things are clicking along just as they should.

I have university dreams too, but they are entirely different. In my dreams, university is this magical, fantastic place - where everyone is who they want to be, and everyone is able to manifest whatever they imagine. There is lots of art and beauty, silver jewellery and lavendar fabric hanging from waaaaaay high-up.

My university dreamscape reminds me also of a sort-of studio I dream about sometimes. It is like this big dark warehouse, that has all these huge black curtains hanging from so high up, I can't see the tops. This studio is good and creative and magical, but also dark. I think these dreams are usually good, but sometimes there are scary mask-faces behind the curtains. The floor is like that black stage-floor, with the masking tape "X"s, and there are bright hot lights. I don't think I'm a performer in these dreams, but perhaps a creator.

Aaaaanywho, I so didn't mean to talk about 3 different dreamscapes - It just sorta happened. Forgive me???

I'd love to hear if other people dream about places like these. When I get a computer at home again, I think I'll try to find some dream-related bloggers. I KNOW there must be other bloggers out there documenting dreams, and wondering how their dreams differ from others...

Okay, I don't really have time to be rambling on like this - But I'm probably working pretty late tonight, so I don't feel toooo bad about taking a break.

But now it's time to get back. Woo!

Why I dress mostly in black...

Today I am wearing an unusual outfit - unusual because it's not straight black. About 95% of the time, my office wear consists of black pants and a black blouse, or sometimes a black skirt or a black sweater - Just to shake things up. My choice of wardrobe color (or lack thereof) is not a gothic statement. I'm not trying to be mysterious or dark or tortured. I've always worn a lot of black. It's slimming, it looks classy/sophisticated, and it matches everything.

Today I am wearing khakis and red shoes. My shirt is striped khaki, red, orange, and navy blue - with one tiny strip of white. One.

And y'know what happened to that one little ridiculous strip of white? I spilled coffee on it. Just the white part. Not even a drop on the darker red or khaki. Just a nice big blob of coffee in the middle of the white.

Typical.

And that's why I dress mostly in black.

All you Calgarians...

Oh my God. Anyone in Calgary - Look at the moon RIGHT NOW! It's amazing. It is huge and full and red and so close to the horizon... I caught a glimpse of it out my office window, and had to do a double-take. It's amazing. Notice it.

Content today

Today I feel good. I'm content. I'm not ridiculously-bouncing-off-the-walls-happy, but I'm good. I feel okay.

To those of you following my recent eating thing - I've discovered that I can drink smoothies even when I can't stomach the thought of anything else. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it's not solid? I'm not sure. But I've found that when I'm starved and sick and need to eat SOMETHING, a smoothie is almost always a success. And I know there's a lot of sugar in smoothies, but at least I'm getting SOME nutrients along with it. Better than coffee, anyway - so it's a step up.

And although it's perhaps a poor choice of editing to put this next paragraph immediately after the one talking about not eating enough, please just trust me that the weight loss thing is in no way on purpose - I've never starved myself to lose weight, and I'm not about to start. This weight loss is a side-effect, not a reason.

But today I realized that I can tuck my shirt into my pants, and I don't have that hip or tummy-bulge. Y'know the bit of skin that sticks out over the top of your pants? If you don't know what I'm talking about - you've never had weight issues and I hate you. Aaaanywho, I'm just feeling very - svelt today. When I catch my profile in a mirror, I am really happy that it's my body.

I went through my "too small clothes" drawer a couple days ago, and found that I fit into all my "skinny" clothes again. It feels so good to be packing my "fat clothes" away in drawers now. I honestly didn't think I was going to get smaller again.

But hooray!

It's kinda funny, the timing of it though - I feel WAY more attractive lately than I have in a long time (probably since my yoga days in 2003), yet at the same time, I have not even the tiniest bit of patience for relationships. Occaisionally I think that maybe I should put an effort into meeting men again - but before long it turns into "God no. Why the Hell would I put myself through that bullshit???"

I don't remember the setting of my dream(s) last night, but I do remember one bit:

Someone told me he loved me, and I was devistated. It was like that almost-crying-halfway-dizzy-out-of-breath-panic. At first my thought was "I can't say it back. I should, he deserves it, but I can't say it back." I was so afraid of hurting him, and I knew that if I was a good person I would tell him I loved him too, but I couldn't. I realized I couldn't say it because I didn't mean it, and became terrified that I would never mean it. I can remember just thinking it through, over and over again - I don't love. I won't love. I'm not allowed, I won't do it.

I didn't wake up terribly upset or anything, but I could feel this sort-of residual panic. It faded pretty quickly, but it's one of those dreams that kinda sticks around all day, causing problems in your brain...

:) But like I say, I'm in a fine mood. The dream itself is probably just leftovers from a conversation I had with my little sister last week. She is completely shocked by my stance on marriage/relationships/etc. She thinks I'm being entirely extreme/pessimistic/cold. But at the same time, she wasn't really able to argue her position on it. Her only argument really was that her view of it coincided with society's view - therefore it's the best one, or the most accurate one. Which makes no sense to me. Just because most people feel one way, doesn't make it absolute truth.

I feel society has some fucked-up traditions and ideas that I'm not neccessarily comfortable being a part of. To look at something and decide it's not for me - How is that wrong? I don't care if other people do the relationship thing - That's their problem. But why should I keep trying and trying to fit into a pattern that has only ever screwed me over? No one can argue against the fact that the vast majority of relationships end - and when they end, people hurt. People hate. People become entirely new people - just so they can protect themselves from the pain of it. And most people, upon getting out of this horrible situation, run straight into the arms and beds of whoever will take them next.

Why, people? Why don't you think you're enough on your own?

Hahaha... So, that was a total rant, and I missed my point (if I had one to begin with).

In regards to my sister - She wants to marry her boyfriend, and I asked her "how can you think that you can KNOW you'll love him and trust him forever?" I literally can't comprehend believing that any feeling is "forever". She says "of course there's a possibility it'll end, but maybe we will grow old together. Isn't it worth the risk?" And in my mind, it's SO not.

I think part of it is that I can't stand the thought of going through a divorce. So - How do I ensure I'll never get divorced? Never get married. Of course it doesn't help that I want to be a mother one day... That DOES throw a rather large wrench into the Crazy-Cat-Lady plan.

I don't really have a problem with other people's relationships. It's just frustrating to me to see friends who are so so so miserable in their relationships, and feel so trapped. They think they don't have the strength or the means to get out. So they stay. Hating eachother, hating themselves. Why get into a situation that is so likely to wind up like that? And then there are those "No, really, honest - we're perfect" couples. Those couples who tell everyone how perfectly happy they are, and how they have no problems - No conflicts - No issues whatsoever. And I can see their problems bright as day, but I don't tell, because they wouldn't listen anyway. And suddenly, something gives, and everyone's SO surprised that another relationship has ended. Gasp.

I don't know. And it's not like I don't WANT to trust someone so completely, I just find it - hard to believe. I don't put a Heck of a lot of trust into almost anyone - And I really can't imagine a situation where I would decide to lend that trust, and take on that vulnerability.

I guess it would make a difference if I ever met a man I felt was like me. I feel like every man I've ever had a relationship with falls so short of what I deserve. I'm not even being a princess here - The men I have had relationships with don't own cars, don't work much. Don't have plans, couldn't care less. They expect me to take care of them. Tell them what to do, or just do it for them. I felt sorry for them, I thought they deserved a chance to prove themselves. I used to go out of my way FAR more than I should, to make these guys feel loved - even though they weren't. Not by me, anyway.

I deserve someone who's not looking for a free ride.

And I know there are amazing men out there - men who care, men who are intelligent. Men who work hard and have a sparkle to their personality. That's all I want. A little bit of passion. A little bit of intelligence. They do exist. But they don't want me. They tell me I'm attractive. They tell me I'm amazing and special. They tell me they adore me - if only they weren't married or too busy or living far far away.

I suppose it's possible that I'll meet a man who is intelligent and driven and who adores me so much that I put that love and trust in him - I just don't find it likely, is all. And so why should I spend my life pining away for a situation that I don't really truly believe in?

So I guess what I was getting at was just an explanation of where my dream probably came from. A fear perhaps of protecting myself too well? Isolating myself from emotion too securely? I don't know. All I know is that I have to protect myself. I'm the only one looking out for me.

*sigh* (great big one). Okay, so - I actually got distracted from this, and came back to it and read it, and I apologize if I sound angry or whiny - I really don't feel angry or whiny. It's just hard to get my point across sometimes.

I rant and rave, and sometimes I convey my feelings well and sometimes they seem like a jumbled mass of nothing. Take them as you will.

Common Dreamscapes...

So, I don't know whether or not this is true for everyone, but my dreams have a tendency to take place in common settings. There are a few that I know very well, and can remember quite clearly when I'm awake - but there are others of course, that I can never remember unless I'm there.

I'd like to record some of my dream details here, because I used to be so closely connected to my dreams and I want to get back there. The best way to allow my conscious brain into my sub-conscious, is to do as much as I can to get my sub-conscious into my conscious. Make sense?

So, even if I'm not remembering all my dreams every night, I can often remember little bits of them, or at least know some details about the environment.

Today I'm going to describe one of my really common dreamscapes...

At the top of a tall, tall, building - like an office building, there is a place on the top floor - it's like a restaurant or a lounge, only there are these little pools as well as tables. The pools are like hotsprings - they look natural or very very old. Made of stone, dark and deep. The water is warm and comforting. The whole place is REALLY dark, and has a greenish tone to it. It's like I'm looking at it through dark green glass. There is some fear associated with the dark water, but these dreams are not really bad ones. In my dreams, I come here after work. I am dressed professionally - heels, suit, make-up, etc. Sometimes I arrive with someone, and sometimes I am meeting someone there - But it's always someone I don't know in real life. When I come to this place, there is a very slight feeling of fear, like perhaps this place can be dangerous - Or perhaps it is just the unknown. Despite the darkness though, this place is generally good. There are people all around, at the tables or in the pools - eating, drinking, chatting in hushed tones. I always get into one of the pools, rather than sitting at a table. I am alone and naked in the pool, though sometimes I'm talking to someone sitting on the edge. When I am in the pool, I hold onto the edge, and I feel warm and relaxed. I seem to be very aware of this setting, somehow. I remember paying attention to the details when last I dreamt of this place - I felt fascinated by it, and wanted to remember.

So I did.

I don't really know how long I've been dreaming of this place - Not long, relatively speaking. Longer than a couple months, but certainly less than a year. Maybe it's been within the last six months? Can't be sure.

So - any dream decoders out there? What do you think? Any fantastic ideas as to why I wind up in this place so often when I fall asleep?

Has anyone else ever dreamt of a place like this, or does it remind anyone of a place that actually exists?

I'd be interested to hear...

But for now, it's time for me to do a little more work and go home.

Tah!

Icy Blue

Brrrrrrr... It is FREEZING here. This morning it was -29 WITHOUT windchill. That's insane. But at least the sun is suppose to come out tomorrow - And I heard -1 on Thursday. Yaaaaaay!

I've been wearing skirts AT work, but wearing snowpants TO work. I am happy to have enough warm clothes to keep me from freezing on my commute. I mean, I could definitely go for a toque that doesn't make my forehead itchy, but really - if an itchy forehead is my biggest complaint in -29, I figure I'm doing pretty good.

My car has been starting, and not complaining too much. I never plugged it in last year, and didn't have any problems, but it was brand new AND (I think) a mild winter. So maybe I should start plugging it in this year... Maybe. Hey Joshamabosh - Do you plug your car in?

Today's a good day, because even though I'm exhausted, my brain still seems to be functioning at a decent level. I solved a few problems this morning that I thought were going to be HUGE issues. So... Hooray! Of course, I've always found that when it comes to regulatory bodies, when you fix one problem a few more usually pop up.

I'm getting braver at work though, too - which helps. There's a great deal of communication with the field, and mostly I just deal with the pretty high-level positions (so that I only need to contact 7 district superintendants, rather than 130 field operators). So there's been this shyness in me like, "This guy has been working with these pipelines for 20 years. Why the Hell should he give the time of day to some 24-year-old in Calgary, who's just learning about it all?" but I'm starting to find some strength in my voice.

It was really nerve-wracking at first, but I've found a lot of the field guys to be really helpful. Some of them still aren't responding well, but they got a HUGE amount of work to do, with a pretty short deadline - and my name was on it, so that's to be expected. I'm starting to feel better about telling them what to do, though. I spoke to one of the other AIAs (Asset Integrity Advisors) - A guy who's been doing this for YEARS. I explained to him that I realize I need to make sure these guys are following regulations, but when they tell me "this is the way it is" and it doesn't comply with the board, do I really have the authority to tell the guy to go back out there, and redo the operation correctly? Turns out I do. Sweeeeeeet. And in the few cases where I have had to stand my ground and say "Sorry, but you're mistaken. The regulations say this, therefore...", I've found I haven't had my head bitten off yet. Most guys are like, "Really? I interpretted that differently - but we'll go look at it again, and make it compliant."

Nice.

I am ridiculously busy, and working long hours - But I love it. I am feeling so much more appreciated, so much more... Important? I dunno. I love the responsibility, I love how hard I have to work. I love that I'm learning, and that as I'm learning I have to apply that new knowledge almost immediately.

Although, I will say... I found out something interesting yesterday. One of the other large oil companies (trying not to mention names - I don't know about liabilities, ya know?) is using the same database for their pipelines as we will be. We're still in the stages of gathering all the information to put INTO the database, and this other company has actually been using it for a year or so now. What's interesting is that they have 7 of me. My position is actually a 'team' or department over there. Ahahahahaaa... I joked that I was definitely worth 7 of "their" employees any day. Someone suggested my boss multiply my salary by 7. That'd be nice, though not terribly realistic.

Perhaps (slightly) more realistically, I had a co-worker pull me aside and say, "Y'know - if you were to request a raise, even a substantial one, they would be really hard-pressed not to give it to you. Seriously - tell them the new number, or you'll walk. You'll see. They can't afford to lose you."
Aaaaah, why do people put these thoughts in my head? The truth is, I really can't see myself giving my boss an ultimatum like that. I think ultimatums are very rarely called for. A little over-dramatic and self-centered or something... But a girl can dream can't she?

Truth is, I love my job and although I could always use a higher salary (couldn't we all), I do realize that I make a lot more than most people my age, with my level of education. So I really can't bitch. Yes, I'm house-poor, but that will all change in a mere 3 months.

My little sister is coming over to my house for dinner tonight, and I'm really excited. I haven't seen her in FAR too long (a month? Two?), and she hasn't been to my house in almost a year. She's bringing over spaghetti, and I'm supplying the salad and garlic toast. Sounds good to me! The only thing that kinda sucks is that my roommate wants to meet her, but it just so happens that he's going to see a play tonight. Bad timing? I'd say so. But that's okay, because I intend to have Brianne over more often in the future, so I'm sure they'll run into eachother eventually.

Aaaaaalright, well it's time for me to finish this up and head back to work. Ciao, Bellas.

I.Hate.Calgary.Transit.

Somebody please tell the bigwigs at The City of Calgary, that we have a serious transportation issue.

I recently said something to my dad about "fucking transit..." and he was like, "What? It's not THAT bad." and I argued that yes, it is far worse than "that bad". He couldn't understand why, because he used to take the train to work for years. He says he loved it. He went on to explain how nice it is to just sit and read all the way to work...

I was like, "Sit? I don't even remember the last time I was able to sit on the c-train." he hasn't ridden the train in 20 years, so in his mind it's the same as it always has been. And I wonder if that's the problem. I wonder if all the big decision-makers at The City of Calgary think the train is the same as it was when they rode it 20 years ago.

I would like to see all the people who have a hand in calgary transit decision-making ride the train to and from work for a month. Hell, even a week would probably be long enough to drive them to some sort of realization.

I don't really care that much if I get to sit down anymore - it's at the point where I automatically assume I won't. Sometimes it makes me angry if I'm feeling sick or dizzy, but again - I realize I'm likely not the only one standing on the train who is feeling sick or dizzy. I can usually tell myself someone else is suffering more than I am, so then I feel sorry for them, rather than myself. And of course if I'm not focusing on my own pain/discomfort, it lessens.

But. In the past two or three months, I have noticed a pattern emerging that really bothers me. In the mornings when I am waiting for the train, I very rarely can get on the first train that goes by. Usually I can get onto the second one, but sometimes it's the third - and occaisionally I can't get on until the 4th one.

This pisses me off. Do I have to start planning to be at the train station half an hour earlier, just to make my way to the front of the crowd? How far is this going to go before something is done about it?

I've heard the excuse that they can't add more cars to the trains because the platforms aren't big enough. Okay. Fine. But what about running more trains? Apparently they don't run all the trains all the time - Just enough for their little schedule. How many people have to crowd onto a platform before people start falling off in front of trains? Would that do it? Would that make them change something? At what point does the crowd IN the train become a safety hazard? If the train counted as a building, the fire code would NOT allow that many people in. So why is that density of people considered more dangerous in a stationary building than a moving train?

I really, truly, would love answers to these questions. This is not just a blind rant, this is really an issue that truly bothers me, and I would REALLY like to understand what is or is not being done, and why. I understand that this city is growing at a ridiculous rate, but it was evident years ago that our transit system wasn't going to cut it.

Arg. Whatever. If anyone has any info on any aspect of this situation, I would really like to be better informed about it. I think if I better understood the entire situation, I would be less angry about it. And there HAS to be a reason somewhere, right?

Quick Bit...

So, I promised an update on Friday - And that is what this is. Not much of one, mind you - I have a meeting to get to in 10 minutes.

This week has been a pretty good one, but still soooooo busy with work. I can't believe next Thursday is the last day of November - I am SO not ready for December, in any way, shape, or form.

Ah, well. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

This weekend I may have to come into work, to get some extra stuff done before Monday - But if I don't come to work, then my plan is to sleep aaaaaaall weekend. And YOU can't stop me.

:)

I loved this painting - Found it via Moco Loco Art. It's part of a series the artist (Gage Opdenbrouwer) calls "strangers". Good stuff, if you ask me.

Alright, well - I said it was going to be a short post, and it is. So there. Have good weekends, all.

Monday Monday Monday...

Monday today... A ridiculously tired Monday at that. My own stupid fault, though - I stayed up too late last night because for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to start baking cookies at 11pm.

Ginger Snaps made from scratch - and they turned out PERFECTLY. You know, where they're slightly crunchy on the outside, and all soft and chewy on the inside? Wooooo, baby. So it was nice to be able to bring some of them in for my early morning meetings today. They were appreciated. Yay! So, as always, a successful attempt makes it far more likely that I'll make further attempts in the future.

My roomie and I pulled out all my cookbooks last night (strangely I have a rather extensive collection), and we've found DOZENS of delicious-sounding recipes we want to try. We're planning to try one or two new ones per week. Yum yum!

My weekend was really good all around, I've gotta say. Neil was working for most of the weekend, to make some extra cash - so I had the house to myself for a while.

On Saturday morning I did some little bits of random tidying, some laundry, took a bunch of donations to Good Will, and a load of recycling (cans, boxes, paper). Around one, my dad and my aunty Kathy came over, and we sat and chatted and drank tea and all that good stuff. I don't get to see Kathy all that much so it was REALLY great to get some time in with her.

I may go visit her at some point in the next few months too. I have about $167 Westjet credit that I've got to use by February. I don't travel much, so I'm not sure where I'll use it, but perhaps I'll take a little weekend trip out to Vernon...

Although I'll also be the first to admit that I don't really see a "good time" for me to be travelling in the next few months... Whatever.

Sunday was far more normal in terms of my average weekend - I slept, I watched TV, I read...

Oh, you know what else I did, to take advantage of the empty house??? I played piano for like an hour! It has been SUCH a long time since I've sat down at my piano, it felt SO GOOD!!! My problem is mostly that I have trouble playing in front of people. It's always been that way, ever since I was a little kid. My hands just start trembling as soon as I think I'm "performing". So I used to play around with it fairly frequently - about a half hour 2 or 3 times a week, but since I've had people living with me, my poor piano has only been collecting dust... I was actually surprised that I could stilll play a few songs after not touching them in months... Woo!

Actually, since mine and Neil's work hours differ, I do have an hour or two in the evening before he gets home. Maybe I should add piano practicing onto the list of stuff I do during that time...

Yup. Just ramblin'.

Looks like I'm going to be getting a couple of assistants for a while in the new year. They'll be starting right away in January, and they'll be helping me out until the workload subsides a little bit - probably 2 or 3 months. This is exciting for a few reasons. One, my workload is insane. Right now the project is in a place where I can't really split it up, but in January I'll have tasks I can delegate. So right now I'm just working my ass off to get to the next phase of this thing - hopefully year end (crossing my fingers...). Other than the workload, this is a good thing in terms of my career development. Apparently these two will be reporting to me - Which rocks. I've never had anyone report to me. I mean, way back in my filing days, I got a student to help with the workload, but she didn't really report to me - she was just extra hands and eyes, ya know? But with these two, I will actually have a leadership role with them. In the org chart - They are under me!!! Mwaaaah.

Don't get me wrong - I totally get that it's not a big deal for a permanent employee to call in a third-party contractor, and to be "in charge" of that person, but still... It's just exciting, okay? Leave me alone.

This is likely my last post until Friday, because I can only really do this on my lunch hour, and my next three are full:

Tuesday - Lunch 'n' Learn on the new K60 Sleeve (very exciting, trust me)

Wednesday - Lunch 'n' Learn on environment noise control (something that I don't really deal with directly, but it could be interesting, nonetheless).

Thursday - Lunch with Katherine! Wooooooo! Good stuff.

It's also Taryn's birthday on Thursday, and I hope she has lunch plans with her direct co-workers. Also, Sandra is in town on Thursday and Friday, and so I'll need to give her my full attention whenever she happens to drop by. Yup.

So I may have time on Friday to post another little update... Tah 'till then!

Circular Beauty

Is this not one of the most fascinating pics you've seen in a long time? I fall in love with different images almost daily, but this is insane. I want to blow this up and put it on my roof or something. Okay, so that doesn't make a lot of sense. My train of thought was this:

I tend to adore really big artwork. So big in fact, that it wouldn't really fit anywhere in my house - except maybe up on the roof. So everytime I find new artwork that I love, I think about doubling its size and putting it on my roof.

What? I never once claimed my trains of thought made any practical sense...

It's been a busy, busy day today. I was in early early early this morning, to prepare for a 4-hour meeting, which ran from 8 to 12. Worked through lunch, preparing for a one o'clock meeting. At 2, I got out of that meeting and had to run over to the EUB offices to pick up some data they'd pulled for me. Got back around 2:30, in time to prep. for my 3:00!!! That one ran until almost 5, and now I'm spent. Got back to my office, returned some calls, etc... But was only able to leave voicemails of course, because no one still exists at 5pm on a Friday.

Except me. And why am I still here? Because.

I'm having a family dinner tonight at 6:30. I want to go straight there from work, because if I go home first I'll just want to curl up in the dark and say screw it. And I shouldn't. I'm actually quite excited about this dinner, because Tarah won't be there. I actually really love my family where Tarah isn't involved. But add her into the mix and I'll pass, thanks.

So... Yeah, I'm just killing time now. I was planning on working right up until it's time to leave, but a lot of my stuff is waiting on other people right now. I can't really do much until Monday, when there are people around again. Plus, I was supposed to meet with my boss this afternoon after our 3:00 meeting, but it went so long we had to postpone our meeting until Monday - and so I can't really act on some of this stuff before I get his approval on it.

This weekend is cool:
- Tonight I get to see some relatives I haven't seen in a long time, and I don't have to put up with the one I can't handle.
- Tomorrow my roomie is working some overtime, which means I get the house to myself aaaall day long. Don't know what I'll do with that time yet, but I'm sure I'll come up with something fantastic.
- Most weekends I head home thinking, "Uuuggghhh... I should clean my house this weekend..." but my house is actually currently so clean and tidy from top to bottom, I honestly have no cleaning to do this weekend. I'd forgotten what such a thing feels like! And daaaaamn is it nice to exist in neatness and cleanliness. I also find the neater and cleaner it gets, the easier it is to keep it that way. I suppose it's just a pattern, a cycle, like anything else in the world.

Next week work is crazy, but good - we're finally making some serious headway on this project that's been stalled for like a year. I also have a couple of lunch 'n' learns to attend - noise control, and the new K-60 sleeve. Sound fun? Totally.

It's also my friend Taryn's birthday next Thursday - she's turning 28. And Sandra (ex coworker) is back in town next week too, so I'll get to see her at some point too, which is awesome.

Hm... Okay, well - I have like 3 more work-related e-mails to respond to, and then I'm going to head out for supper.

Ciao, lovelies. I hope you all have amazing weekends.

Random November 16th Nothings

First off, thanks to Kay O. Sweaver for the use of this amazing image. I have no idea what it is, and in his flickr album he dares people to guess what it is. Some people have made guesses, but he hasn't given us the real answer yet. My best guess is maybe a photoshopped cloud? It screamed 'bluishness' to me, so I had to put it up. Anyway, he is a good friend of mine, and an incredible photographer. So there.

No post yesterday because I was at a lunch 'n' learn on Pressure Release Valves. I swear it was more interesting than it sounds. I'm really enjoying the learning curve that came with my new job. I've been reading textbooks, attending seminars, and questioning my co-workers on random little bits, here and there. They often draw me little diagrams (hooray for visual learners!), and I have them up all over my walls in my office. It has also gotten me back into reading quite a bit, which makes me happy.

I have always loved books so much, but I hadn't been reading lately - too much other stuff going on around home. But now that I have some peace and quiet again, I'm reading again, and I love it. Even if I'm only reading about pipelines. I'm still really enjoying it. I'm reading on the train to and from work, and then for another hour or two before bed each night. I look forward to finishing my current pipeline text, and perhaps moving on to something a little more exciting? Maybe.

I actually did read a fiction novel a few weeks ago - Wasteland, by Francesca Lia Block. I have all her books, but hadn't read this one yet. It was pretty intense. REALLY well written, but quite a viscious edge to it. Anyone who knows Francesca Lia Block's style of writing can probably understand - Gorgeous and dark and magic and terrible, sweet and sparkly, but sharp and venomous all at the same time. The story itself was tragic: a brother and sister fall in love, and spend years trying to deny it, trying to feel attracted to other people, trying to deny their bond. Eventually it winds up being too much, and the brother commits suicide. The story is told from the point of view of the sister, after his death. Her pain, her guilt, her torment. Towards the end of the story, she discovers that her brother was adopted (of course). What'd I tell you? Twisted? Yup.

I've been thinking about Joyce Carol Oates' books lately, and I'm thinking maybe my next read will be something of hers. Maybe Blonde (biography of Marilyn Monroe), or I might reread Dark Water. Actually. I'm most likely just to go to the library and look at all her books, and pick one when they're all in front of me. She does have a couple shelves to herself.

Y'know who else I'd like to read again? Graham Joyce. He was the author of four of my favorite books: Toothfairy, Dark Sister, Requiem, Indigo. They are all dark and mystical and spiritual and fascinating. I found each one of these books IMPOSSIBLE to put down. So maybe I should read the rest of his stuff, hey?

Neil and I are currently watching Carnivale on DVD, which I adore. I had actually thought that I'd seen the whole series, but we just started on season 2, and I haven't seen any of it! So that's pretty exciting - A whole season off Carnivale that I haven't seen?!?!?!?!? Awesome. Anyone who hasn't seen this show, I definitely recommend it. Especially you artsy types. You know who you are.

My Aunty Kathy is in town this week, which is reeeally exciting. I adore her, but only get to see her once every year or two. We're having dinner tomorrow night (Me, my little sister, my dad, my aunt, my dad's aunt and uncle and cousin), which'll be nice. I don't know where we're going yet, but it'll probably be Leo Fu's. It's the favorite chinese food restaurant of the oldest in our group (Shirl and Ed, in their late 80's). Then at some point over the next week or so, I'll have Kathy over to my place for tea and conversation. The last time she was in Calgary was for my mom's funeral, so she hasn't even seen my house yet.

Aaaaalrighty-roo. I took a late lunch today, but it's time for me to get back to it.

Ciao.

Berserkers

Savage Norse soldiers from the middle ages who, it is said, went into battle naked. Hence, "going berserk." So to truly go berserk, you should take off your pants.

Greetings on the 14th...

Just thought I'd stop by and say hello.

I had a really good weekend - got lots done. I always feel better about my weekends when I've gotten something done. This weekend I set up my personal filing system, and spent hours filing stuff away. It feels SO good. To go from random boxes of assorted paper in haphazard heaps, to a neat and tidy filing system - Aaaaaah. Audit me now, fuckers!!!

Also, my roommate and I watched Karla. Holy crap. Has anyone else out there seen this movie? Talk about intense! It was amazingly good, but so creepy! Laura Prepon did SUCH a fantastic job, I reeeeeally hope her career starts to take off one of these days. Karla proved to me that Laura is an amazingly talented actress. But seriously - If you are going to watch it, be sure you can focus all your attention on it, because it deserves (and demands) all your focus.

I was surprised my roomie agreed to watch it with me actually, because in general he watches horror movies, but nothing about serial killers. And for whatever reason, I like stories about serial killers (especially the real ones), but couldn't care less about horror. For me, it's about realism. I can believe a story about some creepy guy going around doing terrible things to people. But I can not believe a story about zombies or monsters or superheros. But maybe that's just a personality difference. I prefer stories I can believe, and he prefers stories he can't believe. Although he does truly seem to believe that a zombie invasion could happen... But that's a different story.

Anywho, he enjoyed Karla just as much as I did, though it seemed to disturb him a little more than it did me. Anywho, he's now agreed to watch The Black Dahlia with me, which is super-exciting because I've been looking forward to that movie for MONTHS. Sweet...

What else? Oh yeah, had lunch with two of my nearest and dearest friends yesterday - Katherine and Josh. Hadn't seen either one of them in FAR too long, and it was really nice to catch up. Even if I did get scolded around my eating habits. But truthfully, I think I needed to hear it. I didn't realize how little I've been eating lately until I said it out loud. I am more aware now that I'm not getting enough calories in a day. I know I can't get back to normal overnight, but I'm making a conscious effort with it now.

I'm happy to report that I had half a package of oatmeal this morning, and at lunch I had 1/4 cup of corn, and 1/2 cup spaghetti with meat sauce. I do feel a little nauseous, but at least I'm not nauseous AND hungry. And this is WAY more than I've usually eaten by 1pm, so I have to expect that my body'll take some time to get used to normal amounts of food again.

I'm on the right track, though.

Okay, well - it's time for me to get back to work, I have a non-compliance response to write to the board. Woo!

Bright deep dark blues

Wow. Seriously, these colors make me want to get lost in them. Don't you just want to melt into them, and wander about in all the tints and shades? Down into the dark, up to the bright. I know it goes without saying, but I really am so obsessed with this color (these colors). Blue holds so much. It means so much, it IS so much. To me. I can find amazing things in blue.

I heard somewhere that as women get older, their ability to see intense blue lessens. What I read said that it doesn't matter what your eye-health is like in general, EVERY woman sees blue as less and less intense with age. That makes me terribly sad. And I wonder if already, blue used to be more brilliant to me. I know I'm always looking for the most intense shade of it that I can find, and I always wish it were a little brighter, a little darker, a little deeper. Perhaps every intense tone of blue I absorb is the brightest, deepest blue I'll ever see again. Hrm...

I'm in a reeeeeally good mood today. Work went well this week, I got a lot done. Accomplished more than I thought I would. More than my boss thought I would too, which is always a good thing. But at the same time I'm so happy the weekend is almost here!!! I have tons I want to get done around home this weekend, and I actually believe it will get done. How fantastic.

Alright, well - my boss just came along for an impromptu meeting for 20 minutes, and now it's one o'clock and time to be back on 'work time' - so I'd better get back to it.

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend, and may your blues stay intense!

Quiet

Today, as a day, is quiet. At least in my little orb. I searched google images for "quiet", and this was the result that spoke to me the most. I find it pretty accurate for my mood today. Even the sorta scribbly hands clutching himself, like he's dizzy or hungry or worried.

I also really like the little yellow duck. Perhaps he's there to comfort the poor stickman. Maybe he's there as his friend - quietly chirping his friendly comforts. His coloring (bright yellow as opposed to the dull blue-greys) makes it seem to me that his "vibe" is different from the rest. Make sense? To me it looks like he's cozying-up, saying don't worry - I'm here. We can be quiet without being alone.

I like this a lot. It's just so... quiet. I seem to like quiet today. Probably partly because I'm so tired, and partly because I'm still not completely healthy. Most of my group is in the field today, and I think they're all taking tomorrow off. The end of the week draws near. This little man and duck feel familiar to me - like they understand me. I understand them.

Plus, it's blue. Ish.

Frost Curls...

This morning there was this incredible frost on my car - made me wish once again that I had the talent/equipment to take good photos. It was so curly, so intricate - and ALL over. There wasn't a spot on my car that wasn't curly-frozen. Beautiful. But difficult to scrape off.

Today is my cousin Jesse's birthday. He's turning 20. I know that's real exciting to y'all.

I don't really have anything interesting to say today, but I recently decided I should start taking a break from work during the lunch hour. I may try to post something each day, just to make it a habit.

I believe that's all I have to say. I hope everyone's having a good week - We're halfway through it!!!

Some extra bits...

My knees hate me. Today, in honour of the lovely weather outside, we got to take part in a fire drill. For myself, this included walking down 22 flights of stairs - in a pair of 3 inch heels. Woo! HARDCORE! Hardcooooooooore. Grrrrrrrrr... Check me out. Seriously.

In other news, Britney Spears filed for divorce from Kevin Federline today. I for one am proud of her. I've never been a Britney Spears fan by any stretch, but somehow I feel for her. I feel sorry for her in the sense that I would feel sorry for any young girl with two brand new babies, going through a divorce. People attack her like she's the only woman ever to have wound up in her situation - and that it all came out of sheer stupidity.

Truth is, she obviously fell in love. Most people make the wrong decisions where love is concerned, but she also had the entire world watching her, telling her what to do, judging her at every turn. Hell, if I were her, I probably would have tried to make things work with Kevin, just to prove the whole goddamn world wrong...

But in reality, a bad relationship is a bad relationship. For some reason, people don't know when to end bad relationships. Even once they realize their relationship is harmful, they tend to stick around for a while to see if it'll get better - but it never does. Until someone grows the balls to leave.

So bravo, Britney. Congratulations on having the balls to get out of a shitty relationship - with two babies in tow, and the entire world judging you. They'll call her weak - but I know that what she's done took strength.

Samhain...

Hello lovelies. Today is Samhain (pronounced sow-ANE). A lot of people just lump it in with Halloween - which does make sense, but technically speaking, Halloween falls according to the Gregorian calendar, and Samhain occurs according to the sky. And according to the sky, today is the day. The veil between the worlds is at its thinnest. Actually, it was this morning at 6:22 (my time).

Like any other Sabbat, I like to acknowledge it. I'll light some candles tonight (as if I don't light candles every night...), and talk to the moon a little bit.

To some people, Samhain is the new year - but I have trouble making that stick in my mind. It just doesn't FEEL like the end/beginning of the year.

I wore black today - my clothes are heavy, yet flowy at the same time. Perfectly Samhainesque.

Today is also the birthday of an old friend of mine. Dave Granger turns 26 today, and I hope he's having a wonderful birthday, wherever he is. We dated for a while in 2002, before he moved to Australia. We've spoken here and there since he got back, but never kept in touch. But somehow I still know his birthday - And I hope he's having a good one.

Also along the lines of old friends, I was contacted today by one. She and I used to be really close, but we fell away from eachother a few years ago. She moved to Europe to attend circus school (seriously), and I haven't heard from her in years. But she called today - she's in town. I'm slightly surprised by my reaction. I would like to return her call, and meet with her over a coffee or something. I felt really manipulated by her in the past, but part of me apparently still cares about her, and wouldn't mind catching-up for old-times' sake.

Actually, I was contacted by another old friend last week. This one was a girl I met at a bachelorette party 4 or 5 years ago. We were both drunk out of our minds at Outlaws, and flirting shamelessly with one-another. We decided we liked eachother, and exchanged phone numbers. We started hanging out after that, but we had different ideas about the whole situation. I really just liked hanging out with her, and thought of her as a new friend. But she saw me as a new bisexual friend - which (I've found) often implies that the friendship comes with a side of free sex. I tried to get the point across that I didn't want sex from her, but she just kept thinking we were about to get it on. We lost contact for like a year and a half, and then when we started talking again, she was obsessed with getting me to come join her and her boyfriend in bed. I didn't feel comfortable with that - so the contact went away again. We e-mail and/or phone eachother about once or twice a year, and I always cut it off again once it becomes clear that she still just wants to fuck.

Last week she sent me an e-mail saying that she "really really needs to talk to me". She's never had a NEED to talk to me before - So part of me thinks maybe it's important. But maybe she just used that wording so that I would call her, and she'd pick up and be like "Oh thank goodness you called - My boyfriend and I have been waiting for you to join us..."

*sigh* Not interested. I mean, she's a beautiful girl and all, but... I'm just way more straight than not. Every once in a while I try sleeping with women again, but it's rarely any good. I certainly find women in general to be beautiful creatures, but to actually get it on with someone, I'd prefer they had a penis.

Not to mention, she seems to want me to agree to this whole thing, before I ever even meet her boyfriend. Seriously - As if I would agree to have sex with someone I've never seen or met. What kind of a whore does that? Whatever.

Also, she used to know my roommate - so part of me wants to call her up just to tell her I'm living with an old friend of hers. I have no idea if she'd find that interesting or not. I don't think they were ever really close, but they knew eachother.

And then when I sit here contemplating calling up old friends I haven't seen in years, I think - waitaminute... Shouldn't I maybe call some of the people I'm still in contact with? I know they'd like to hear from me...

They will. I swear. I'll try.

Happy Halloween!

Hello all - It's Halloween!!! I hope you are all having a great one. I am the only one dressed up on my floor at work - but that's nothing new. Actually, I used to always be one of about 4 dressed-up, but this year I am literally the ONLY one. Hm... People keep saying that lots of people used to dress up - even last year, apparently, there were at least 10 or 15 costumes on the floor. Even when I went out at lunch time - I saw very very few. Makes me kinda sad, somehow. I wonder if it's a trend, or just this year? Of everyone I've seen around downtown today, I'd say less than 3% are dressed up.

I don't really know what I'm dressed up as, just some sort of dark-gothicy-sorceressy-type lady. Looooong dark red skirt with a bit of a train, black lace-up top, black flowy cape. I braided my hair last night so it would be all crimpy, and this morning I added sparkles and stars. And of course dark gothicy make-up. It's fun.

I didn't get a pumpkin to carve this year - too busy, too broke. But my house is decorated all Halloween-y, and I'm SO excited for the darling little kiddies to start coming by looking for candy tonight! My poor roommate doesn't get home from work until 7, so he'll miss all the really cute little ones...

Okay, I think that may be all I have to say - I just wanted to acknowledge this lovely day, and encourage you all to do something - ANYTHING - to celebrate this holiday. Pretty please? For me?

This just in...

You Are Indigo

Of all the shades of blue, you are the most funky, unique, and independent. Expressing yourself and taking a leap of faith has always been easy for you.

What Color Blue Are You?

Dreaming - Amy Lee

So, I've thought for a while that I'd like to record my dreams on my blog. I don't always remember them in great detail, but I'd like to note the bits I DO remember, and then I think I'm more likely to keep remembering them more specifically. Right? Right.

So, last night I dreamt of Amy Lee of Evanescence. She was wearing a tanktop, her hair long and dark, and her barbell in her eyebrow. We were sitting on a couch together, and she was crying. I tried to comfort her, holding her, stroking her hair. She didn't think she was brave enough or strong enough to endure, and I told her she was. She insisted she was no different from any other young woman out there, and I said, "Exactly. And we've all got the strength inside us. We just have to find it, and figure out how to use it."

What do I think this dream means? I think it's a combination. For one, I think it could be like a conversation to myself, telling myself to snap out of it, and realize I've got what I need inside me, just like anyone else. Secondly, I've probably been listening to far too much Evanescence lately. The Open Door hasn't come out of my car since I got it almost a month ago.

Time to get back to work. I finished one of my performance reviews this morning (the one with my new boss). It was pretty good. I didn't get too much scolding in terms of the situation with "fucking guy" (see yesterday's post), I guess he figured his yesterday-scolding was sufficient. So we listed my priorities, which makes me happy - Always good to know precisely what I'm expected to do.

We also talked about my future career development, and I'm excited about that. Basically for the first while, my learning focus is just on learning what I can from talking to people, and reading whatever I can (AEUB regulations - Woo!), and getting to know all the processes and proceedures. But in Fall 2007, my boss plans to get me into a NACE Corrosion course. He would like to see me become a Corrosion Technologist. In order to be called a Corrosion Technologist, there are 5 courses which probably take about 2 and a half years to complete, plus you have to work in the area of corrosion for 2 years, but my current position is considered to be in that area of corrosion, so it appears to make perfect sense. Also, I think it would open a lot of doors for me. I don't know all the options it would open up to me, but most of the engineers I work with are called Asset Integrity Advisors, and I could certainly head in that direction if I wanted - pipeline inspections and stuff, ya know?

Anyway, I know this is still a couple years off, and I also know that I have a new big exciting plan for the rest of my life, like - Every 3 days. But for now it's good and exciting, and something to look forward to, or to aim for. Makes it feel like there's a reason I do things. Ya know?

I would also like to announce that Josh gets serious points for leaving me a comment yesterday, although I may have to take into consideration that it took him 2 months to get around to it. Teehee. Okay, that's all. Back to workimus stressimus.

Arg. And once again, I've tried like 7 times to post a picture with this post and it's not working. If I keep trying and it keeps not working I might break something. So no pictures again today. Sowwy.

Just thought I'd post a little note to let people know I still exist. I've been sick, sick, sick, lately and my new job is kicking my ass.

I know I'll get healthy again one day, and I know my job-stress HAS to ease-up eventually. So all I've gotta do for now is hang-on, survive, and not get fired in the meantime. Right?

When I feel the panic creeping in on me, I wonder where it came from, what it wants, and why it had to come back. I've done the panic thing, and the depressed thing. And I've dealt with them and sent them away.

And everytime I send them away, I think "good riddance! Never to deal with THEM again!" But they do come back. I suppose there is no permanent fix. But you can make them stay away for longer, or go away faster, as you learn them - Get to know your patterns, understand why and what they are.

But I suppose that even though I think I understand my patterns really well, that doesn't necessarily mean I know how best to deal with them, or alter them.

I look at this afternoon - Tight, twisted, dizzy, short of breath. I thought "wouldn't it be nice to not have to exist? Wouldn't it be great to not have to deal with all this crap? Maybe I should just go away..." I'm not sitting here plotting my own death, but it did startle me to hear the thought skitter through my head. But what is really wrong with this afternoon? Is it really any worse than any other day? Aren't there days that I could have dealt with everything that came my way? Of course. There have certainly been days where I've had far more catastrophe to deal with than today - But today it just hits harder somehow.

What do I want? I don't even know. Hm... What would make today a good day?

Today would be a good day if...
- The guy who's supposed to be training me, would train me.
- The same guy who's supposed to be taking over my old stuff, would take it over already!
- The same freakin' guy didn't make more than twice what I do, while clearly caring FAR less than I do about the task at hand.
- My shirt wasn't itchy
- My pants weren't too big
- I wasn't sick
- My boss didn't get in trouble this morning from his boss, because "fucking guy" won't hand over the task that I'm responsible for. Fucking guy is lazy, so I can't do my shit. So I get in trouble with my boss because he's in trouble with his boss who's in trouble with his boss, who I have a meeting with on Friday so I can fill him in on my "progress". Ha.
- My bra didn't keep undoing itself
- I could afford lunch
- My shoes didn't pinch my toes.
- I didn't have nightmares last night.
- I wasn't such a freakin' whiner.

I hate to bitch, but sometimes it does some good to cry out. Hell, I'm pretty damn sure no one even reads this, so it's not like I'm even whining to anyone real.

I got to work at 8 this morning, and worked through lunch which technically means I should have left here 15 minutes ago. But I have an hour on the c-train ahead of me. I won't get a seat, because I get on the 3rd last downtown stop. I'm dizzy from hunger, and the sway of the train will be fun to navigate.

Sometimes when I'm sick and standing on the train, I glare at the backs of heads of people who are sitting down. I wonder which one of us feels less healthy at that moment. I wonder which one of us had the worst day, who's shoes are less comfy, etc. There are many factors that go into "who should get to sit" But the reality is, if you work on the west end of downtown, you get a seat. If you work on the east end of downtown, you do not. Period.

And now I have the hiccups. How is this fair?

Okay, now I'm going to pull my head out of my ass and list the GOOD things about today...
- Although I wore I white shirt to work today, I didn't spill coffee on it.
- I have half a tank of gas in my car
- I don't have to cook supper, because that's my roommate's job.
- Although I've been sick, I haven't been throwing up or passing out at work
- I'm done filling out my forms for my performance reviews (yes, 2 of them - I get one with the old boss and one with the new boss. Fantastic. But my prep is done, and that's a relief).
- It's October, and I like October in general
- I've pretty-much made it through 11 days of my current paycheck, and only have to get through 7 more before I get paid again. I'm more than halfway there!
- I got here earlier than usual, which allows me to leave earlier than usual. Not that I'm taking advantage of that opportunity...

But I should. I should go home and curl up with my kitty cats. Think happy thoughts.

PS. I tried to post a photo with this, but blogger's not letting me. So I had a decision to make. I could spend another half hour trying to upload this photo, getting more and more pissed off and panicky by the moment, or I could say "fuck it" and go home. I've chosen option 2, because it will best benefit my psyche at this moment in time.