Better Dreams Last Night

Luna and Sol, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Last night I only remember a bit of my dream. I was holding a baby, and the 'feeling' of the dream was good. I felt nurturing, protective, maternal.

The dream likely came from the fact that we took our cats to the vet last night (annual check-up), so there was lots of holding, petting, cooing, comforting, etc. Yes it was a human baby in my dream and not a cat, but it's probably symbolic. I mean, really - My cats ARE my babies.

Also, as a side-note to that vet trip, I mentioned that Luna (the black one) meows a lot at night. And it's not a quiet mew, either. It's full-on, top-of-her-lungs yowling. She literally sounds like she's in pain. She does it during the day sometimes, here or there - but EVERY night, around 3 or 4am.

So the vet took some blood, and today called me to say that Luna has a hyper-active thyroid. The noise she makes at night is because she is feeling very uncomfortable, like she has too much energy and doesn't really know what to do with it. However, apparently this is rare in young cats, and Luna's only about 4.5 years old. So we're going to run a few more tests to make sure there's nothing else we're missing.

Poor Luna. But at least we kinda know what's going on with her at night. If the further tests don't find anything else, then it sounds like it'll be daily pills for her.
:(

December

To be honest, I hate this month. I know that makes me a bad person, and I apologize. I really wish I could just skip it altogether. But I'm not going to sit here moaning and complaining about it. Just... If I don't seem thrilled, it's December's fault.

My dreams have been mostly of work lately. Work stress. Forgetting to do things, offending people, saying the wrong things, trying to get a point across, but not being heard. Last night it was about codes and regulations and I was arguing over something should be under "this" code or "that" code. And I also remember arguing that traffic collisions should be called collisions, not accidents.

I did spend the last 3 days in a course on CSA Z662... Oil and Gas Pipelines Construction and Inspection Codes. I blame it.

After 3 solid days of being in a course, my already far-to-heavy work load got much worse. Add to that the fact that the year is coming to an end, and I only have like 12 work days left before January. WHAT? The fact that I'm constantly dreaming (nightmaring?) about work crap tells me I'm too stressed-out over it. And of course when I'm having crappy dreams all night, I'm tossing and turning and waking up and not getting a good sleep. Which sends me to work soooo tired, and incapable of taking-on the world. Ya know? The work load builds, I can't do everything to the best of my ability, the stress gets worse, the dreams get worse... It's a never ending cycle. Wtf? Ugh.

And it's Christmas. I promised not to rant about my hatred for Christmas. So I shan't. But. Ugh.

Wow, this is a really crap blog-post. Okay, I'm going to take a cue from Ms. Carter, and list 7 blessings:

1. My pregnant friend sent me pictures from her ultrasound, and in one of them the baby looks like he/she is waving. She and her baby are happy and healthy, which means so much to me.

2. A psychic told me that said friend's baby and I are kindred spirits. I got goosebumps when the psychic was explaining this to me - she said I would look into this baby's eyes, and we would know and understand eachother immediately. When I told my pregnant friend about this, it made her cry - but she assured me they were happy-pregnant-tears.

3. I bought a new camera last weekend. Nikon D90 - It's pretty. It has video capabilities. I've been playing with it a bit, but not enough yet.

4. I signed-up for flex-benefits at work. Last year I procrastinated until after the deadline, so I got the auto-assigned benefits. This year I was able to tailor my benefits to my situation, which left me with enough "flex dollars" to purchase 8 extra vacation days for next year. I already get 3 weeks vacation, plus 12 flex days. So... Next year altold I should have 35 days, or 7 weeks. That's insane. I love it.

5. I am not having financial problems. I have, in the past, endured some very scary financial situations. I am bumping along just fine now, and have to remember that life is SO much better, knowing I can pay my bills and afford to eat.

6. I am part of a healthy and loving relationship. I know so many people out there are not, and like the financial thing, a good or bad relationship has such a profound affect on every aspect of life. Next week is our 2 year anniversary, and we've got reservations for dinner somewhere we've never been. It's a surprise. I like these kinds of surprises. I'm lucky to have the man that I do.

7. My family and friends are all relatively healthy. There have been times when this wasn't so, and I know that there will be sickness and death in the future. But for now, the people I love are okay. And that is amazing.

:) Okay, I actually feel much better now. I am a lucky person. I am in a good situation. Compared to those in my community, my city, my country, I have it good. Compared to millions of women all over the world, I'm fantastically wealthy. How many millions of women in the world are still not allowed to own property? How many entire families live in a home the size of my bedroom? I am amazingly fortunate, and am kind-of ashamed to realize how often I forget that.

Huh.

Last night, I dreamed that Brian asked me to marry him. I thought he was joking. I thought, "if only he were serious. But I know he's not." but then, he produced a ring. It was simple but sparkly. He told me he was serious. I accepted, and was so happy. Awoke not remembering the dream right away, except I knew it had been something positive about Brian. I just wanted to hug him and kiss him and be with him all day. It took me a few moments to fill in the blanks of the rest of the dream.

In actuality, a co-worker of mine showed me her custom-made engagement ring yesterday. This is likely where the dream came from. Really.

The night before last, I dreamt about our bathroom renovations. The tile we have chosen is matte, but in my dream I realized that we really should be using shiny (like glass) tiles in order to make the small space look bigger. Ran this idea past Brian when I was awake. I think he grunted.

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Last night I dreamt I was in a place like the little European towns we saw. Narrow little cobblestone streets, steep stairs and sharp drops. Everything seems sorta piled on top of itself. I was with Taryn at one point - I think we were shopping, looking in little stores. At one point I walked up the street and turned around and couldn't find her, but then she came out of a store. She was smiling, we were having a great time.

One store was fancy nighties - like, really fancy. Robes, scarves, tassles, beads, silk. The woman who worked inside looked like a fairy or a goddess - flowy, quiet, beautiful.

I may have been looking for a hotel with my little sister at some point. Eventually we wound up drinking with my co-worker Sarah. The drink I had was Absynthe and soda water or something - it was a soft green color and it foamed and fizzed, and it tasted REALLY good. I told my sister her mouth was glowing green, and she told me mine was too. Sarah and I tried to stumble back to our hotel, but we were so drunk we just kept laughing and falling over.

Dreams, Grandmothers, Memories

While I was on vacation (about 20 days in Germany, Austria, Italy and Switzerland) I dreamed almost exclusively of my mom. She was in my dreams every night for the first two weeks - only after that did I stop remembering a lot of my dreams. The dreams were varied - some were nightmares, others were not. In some of them she's alive and others she's not. A couple times she was even off in the background, not a part of the 'story line', but just my mom.

I don't remember a lot of the details anymore (almost a month later) unfortunately.

Last night I dreamed about my Grandma Hamilton. Again, unfortunately, the details are vague. All I know is that I was hanging out with my dad's grandmother, my great-grandmother.

Actual memories are these:
Ella Hamilton was born in 1900, and passed away in 1996. I was 14 at the time and I remember her wake. Mary-Jo and Bob sang a folk song about doves, and we all talked about our favorite things about her. I spoke about the fact that she named all of her stuffed animals on her bed at the nursing home. Every time we visited her, she told us all of their names. The only one I remember is a puppy-dog named 'Lovey'. In my mental image of her, she's laughing. Everything about her seems soft and fragile. She would pull coins out of a film canister for us, so my little sister and I could go buy pop or chocolate bars from the vending machine down the hall.

I also have a very vague memory of her which I believe is a much older one, where we are in her apartment with the lion on it and the curvy balcony-rails. She is wearing a green and white dress and apron, and she gave us Guylian chocolates. In this memory I almost think my mom was there instead of my dad - but they split up in 1987 (I think), so that would make me like 5 years old or younger in this memory, and I'm not sure I have memories that far back. How old do people's earliest memories tend to be?

Dreams of Vacation

The Old Reflections Factory, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I haven't been recording my dreams much. I mean to, but only have time to do it in the evenings - and by then I've forgotten most of them.

I've been dreaming about work a lot for the past few months. Hints of work are very apparent in most of my recent dreams:

- My entire office department moves into a forest with stairwells in it
- Spreadsheets, searching, sorting, categorization (lots of these)
- Losing files, not being prepared for meetings, embarrassing myself at work
- Remembering tasks that I've forgotten to do at work in real life (literally, this one saved me once!)

But I am happy to report that I have recently also been dreaming about my upcoming vacation. I think I also dream about travel a lot in general, but lately I've been dreaming about my specific upcoming trip. Dreaming that I'm already there.

About a month ago I dreamed we were in Germany already, staying with a woman in a dress and apron with gray hair. I think she had children, and she lived in a tiny stone cottage in a deep green forest by a waterway... Sort of a waterfall or stream, but it was a brick waterway. It meandered like a stream though, and it was steep in places. I remember climbing and playing in it. Lots of green moss on green stones shaped like bricks. It was a good dream - I felt playful and happy and adventurous. I may have been young (7-14?) in at least parts of this dream, but I definitely had the knowledge that I was in Germany throughout.

Last night I dreamed of tours and of white water rafting in Germany. I don't even know where the white water rafting comes from, but it's what I dreamed. Again, the feeling was excitement and fun and adventure. I spoke to a guy who was some kind of tour guide maybe, or a local - telling me where I should eat and stay. There may have been something about language - he may have been trying to teach me German.

Wouldn't it be great to just wake up speaking German?

If you care to follow along on our actual adventure, go here:

www.twobsinablog.blogspot.com

New Dream - Pyro Ghosts

Yellow Flowers, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I only remember glimpses of my dream last night...

I was sleeping in an attic. There were other girls there - possibly my little sister, possibly friends from highschool. It was a dark bedroom, old grey/brown cots and blankets. Some tragedy may have befallen us - We didn't want to be here, but knew it was the best place for us.

The place was haunted by babies/children who had died there. There was a heater that looked like a fan (I think I saw one irl at Costco last weekend), but I was worried that it seemed like a fire hazard. I turned it off, but then things started moving and it was obvious the baby/child ghosts were unhappy. They made noises and frightened us until we turned the heater back on. They were only quiet/still when the heater was on.

Later in the dream I saw the heater leaning up against one of the beds, and the blanket was smoking, about to catch fire. I lept to turn it off, but then whoever I was with tried to stop me from turning it off, because we didn't want to upset the spirits in the place.

We figured out that the babies/children must have frozen to death in that place, and when we turned off the heater they thought we were trying to hurt them all over again. Eventually it came clear that they wanted to burn the place down.

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Like I say, I only remember bits from it... Brian thinks I should write more, and my dreams seem to be an easy place for me to start. Sometimes I try to wait for the REALLY big/amazing/vivid/spectacular ones, but maybe recording the more vague/normal ones is a good thing too. Dunno...

Dream - Helicopters

Plus Fifteen Spatulas, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Dreams last night...

Earlier in the dream, I vaguely remember being friends with Rosie O'Donnell. We were in the kitchen, baking something. She had a kid I was helping take care of. The overall feelings were good. Happy, comfortable, friendly, loving.

We were preparing for a party of some sort, and I had to drive somewhere with Darrell Smith, a kid I went to Junior High School with. On our way back home, the police had the road blocked. They wouldn't let us through, and we couldn't tell what was going on. We found our way home by other streets.

When we returned 'home', I was in downtown Calgary, in a skyscraper. I was on approximately the 5th floor, and one wall was all windows. It may have been an art gallery of sorts - I was looking at colorful pieces of artwork, and I was in awe at how beautiful they were. I was really struck by the amazing beauty of it, and felt great respect for the artist.

There were people milling about, and there was a small black helicopter outside. Its tail swung around toward the building we were in, and I thought "Wow, that came really close to the window". And then it swung around again and did shatter the window, and the helicopter crashed.

Everybody started screaming and running, and I was outside. More helicopters crashed, and I called my dad to tell him what was going on. He told me not to worry, and that it was probably nothing serious. I looked up and a big white helicopter was falling towards me. I ran, and it crashed, and slid towards me. I managed to avoid it, but was suddenly dodging another falling helicopter. I told my dad I thought I was going to die. I was trying to say goodbye to him, but kept having to run and hide.

I found myself huddled indoors with dozens of other people, and we were all silent, trying not to be heard. I wanted to keep talking to my dad, but had to stay quiet. Then we saw through the windows that more helicopters were crashing into the building we were in.

~~~

I woke up to Brian asking me if I was okay. I was curled up against his back and shaking, breathing these short, panicked gasps. It took me a moment to realize I wasn't about to be crushed to death by a helicopter. Even after I realized it was a dream, my heart kept pounding, and I had to consciously slow my breathing. I sat up and drank some water, and eventually was able to go back to sleep.

~~~

This was an especially vivid dream. I was genuinely surprised and confused when I woke up in my bed and realized I'd been dreaming.

I'm not really sure where this dream came from. The mix of extremes (being so joyful and amazed at the beautiful artwork, and then suddenly so afraid for my life) is strange to me.

I wanted to blog it, because it's been so strong in my mind today. It might help to get it off my chest...

Dreams of Late

Pink, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Lately I've been dreaming lots.

Often I'm on vacation. Mexico, or somewhere like that. It's beautiful, exciting, and I miss Brian. I'm never on vacation with Brian, it's always my family, and Marilyn's family.

Last night I was on vacation somewhere - I don't know where. There was an enclosed swimming pool. I was running, trying to see as much as I could before I had to leave. I saw a big silver head in the distance, and I took photos of it to show to Brian. It reminded me of Burningman. As I was taking photos of it, some guy started talking to me. He knew I must be a Burner, because only a Burner would be so intrigued by the silver head. We talked about Burningman, he had pink hair. And then I decided to wander back, because I knew I had to leave soon.

When I got back, Marilyn was calling my name through a huge crowd. She was loading everyone into a minivan to go home. Brianne and Tarah were buying coffee at Tim Hortons for the trip home, so I decided to as well. But when I ordered my coffee, Tarah got angry and was yelling at me for ordering caffeine and sugar, and said I should order something smaller. Brianne got a small hot chocolate, so I did too. It came with 12 free chocolate bars. I had a ton of bags to carry, and kept dropping things. Marilyn's family was waiting for me, and Tarah was yelling at me. I asked her to help me, her response was to yell at me for making unrealistic demands on her. She was like, "can we please not go through this again? Can you please just hold your tongue? Do we really need to do this again?" And I ignored her.

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Three nights ago, I dreamt about a little girl I used to babysit. Her name's Melanie, and she was 2. In my dream, I carried her around and cuddled her, and played with her. Her mom was getting ready to leave, and giving me instructions for bathing and dressing Melanie. Her mother put her in a drawer, but I took her out again because I wanted to hold her.

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The next night, I dreamt I was babysitting Melanie again. This time I was also babysitting her sisters, Lindsay and Kimberly. Their mother had left a meal in the fridge, but the girls had just eaten when I got there. So they weren't hungry, and I didn't cook dinner.

The doorbell rang, and it was a man, saying he was there to babysit. I said I was the babysitter and there must be a mix-up. He said "No, I was asked to come help you because I can stay up later than you." I told him that when I used to babysit for them I was a lot younger. But that now I'm plenty old enough to stay up until the parents get home. But he came in anyway, and said that he was hungry. And then more people showed up for dinner. Both my sisters, and my mom came to the door, saying they were invited over for dinner. Then I realized that the meal in the fridge wasn't for the girls, it was for all the guests who were arriving. I tried to call Brian to help me, but didn't have a chance to.

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Lots of dreams lately, might keep posting them. Might not. Can't tell.

In a Different Place and Time

Ceiling Fan, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I haven't been online in a while. I mean, I've still been checking up on my favorite websites and blogs and finding new ones, but I haven't been posting anything.

I'm not checking Facebook regularly, I haven't even been looking at Flickr.

Last November I started a photo project which demanded a self portrait each week for a year. I made it up to week 20-something. I feel guilty for having quit the project. Part of me wants to go back to it, but most of me really doesn't.

Sometimes I just don't want my face online. Sometimes I don't feel like sharing with the world.

I went through a period of hiding, trying to figure things out on my own. Not wanting to share or reach out to the world.

I eventually managed to sort things out and pull my thoughts into a more positive place, but with that came the desire to try new things. So again, my online persona (and camera) got ignored.

I still don't know if I feel ready to share with the online universe again, but I thought I'd just poke my head up, and say - I'm still around, but in a different sort of way.

I have been taking some photos still, but am quite behind on posting them (I'm still posting from February). And none of them are self portraits. Perhaps I'll get back to that, but I can't promise.

I have ideas, but lack the motivation perhaps to make them happen in most cases.

I am most of the way through a Photoshop class at ACAD, which has been fun. I still don't feel like I have a REAL handle on the program, but I have enough basic knowledge to play around with it and figure out what I want to. But the key is to make myself DO it.

Mostly, I tend to blame the fact that I never want to be on my computer when I'm at home. It's up in my office, away from Brian and the kitties. I sit in front of a computer away from Brian all day, and really enjoy the time we spend together at home on evenings and weekends. So to dissappear upstairs by myself seems odd.

So, what have I been spending my time on? Mostly domestic stuff. I tend to be a slob, and housework is one of my most hated tasks. But I've been trying hard to work on that. Part of why I hate it so much is that it is ALWAYS there, hanging over my head as something I haven't done, and is too big to deal with right now. So I'm trying to change my view of it. I'm working really hard at doing a little bit of it often, and eventually I'll get on top of it. Also things like cleaning AS I cook, etc. My house is gradually getting cleaner and more organized. I still have a long way to go, but at least I'm on my way.

I've also been doing a bit of cooking. Trying new recipes. Being newly vegetarian has forced Brian and I to try a lot of different recipes we've never had before. I'm also working on cutting as much dairy out of my diet as possible. I'm not going vegan, as I'm still eating eggs and honey. And I'm not even quitting dairy, just cutting out as much of it as I can, wherever I can. If we go out for dinner, it's practically impossible to be vegetarian AND dairy-free. So for now it's just when I'm at home, and on the rare occaision when I can find dairy-free options in restaurants.

I'm hoping the lack of dairy will help with my chronic skin problems. I've read a lot that seems to indicate that it should.

I've been excercising a lot too - taking classes at the Y. My favorite classes are the Stability ball and BOSU classes.

Spring is here as well, which also takes my focus outside. Working in the yard, going out with friends. Rarely do I want to sit inside at my computer when it's so beautiful and newly warm outside.

I do hope to get excited about my camera again, and get back to creating some beauty I want to share.