27

You don't know how lovely you are, originally uploaded by Brian U.

Yesterday was my birthday. I had a good one - Brian had a bouquet of flowers delivered to me at work, and then took me out for dinner at Jaroblue.

Jaroblue is on 17th Ave, and we love it. It's a tapas lounge with an amazing atmosphere, friendly staff, and fantastic food. And we feel it's priced pretty well, too.

We had olives, and smoked sturgeon ravioli, and a grilled pear and blue cheese salad, and atlantic char on tomato kasha and spicy green beans. And I had double cream brie for desert, and Brian had carrot cake. And a bottle of Ravenswood Zin along with it all.

So, 27, 27. I'm in my late 20s. And I know how ridiculous it is to be bothered by that, but I can't help it. I'll get over it, I know.

This year I am hoping to get back into running - I dabble in it here and there, but I would like to reach a new level with it. Nothing serious - I'm not competitive in the least. But I would like to challenge myself a bit with it.

Brian gave me a Nike+iPod as part of my birthday present. Basically there's a chip that goes in your running shoe, and a small attachment you plug into your iPod, and it records all your running stats. Speed, pace, distance, time, calories, etc, etc. I haven't tried it yet, but apparently it'll give you verbal coaching if you want it, as well as things like playing one of your chosen 'power songs' when it detects that you need motivation. Then of course you can log in online and see all sorts of charts and stats on your running progress.

I'm a huge nerd in terms of graphs. I want to graph everything. It's hugely motivating - it's trends and progress I can see.

Also this year I hope to get back into my creativity a bit again. Likely through photography... I'd like to get back into some self portraits - I might even try my hand at making up some characters and writing stories to go with. Dunno yet, but I'm feeling very antsy lately in a way that makes me think I'd like to create something new.

We have no travels planned for the year. We have some ideas, but nothing is realistic yet. We do actually have tickets to Burningman, but we're not really sure we'll use them yet. Also in the running, road trips - always road trips. Alberta, BC. Possibly the states. I'd love to go somewhere tropical, Brian talks a lot about Vegas. We'd both love to go back to Europe, but it likely won't be this year. I'd also really like to see some of Eastern Canada. So basically, we have it narrowed down to Earth.

But we also might just focus close to home this year. We're still working on bathroom renovations, and once that's done we're getting really eager to replace floors, and some windows and of course yard work in the summertime...

Work is a little (a lot) stressful at the moment, but I won't go into detail about that here.

I also just got a program for my computer to manage recipes. It seems like a pretty good little program so-far. I just played around a bit with it tonight, but looks like it'll be really good.

I'm tired and need to aim for bed now though. Just wanted to post a little birthday bit.

Okay

A Slip Between Dimensions, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

To anyone following along, I'm okay. I didn't want to worry anyone, just had to rant. A lot is changing in my world, and that's always scary. But I know it's good too. Everything's gotta change, and hopefully through that you grow. That's the name of the game, right?

What on Earth to say?

Inclinazione, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I don't know what to say. I don't know how to say it. I have no concept who (if anyone) reads this blog, so a certain level of privacy must be maintained... Which is tough when the thoughts swirling in my head are so so deeply personal.

My world has been turned upside down. Something happened that I couldn't have imagined. I mean, there were times I was afraid it would happen, but I truly didn't think it would happen. Not yet, anyway. But it did. And it shattered my world.

I don't know what will happen. I'm in a state of limbo right now. Crying, sleeping, blankly existing. Y'know how sometimes something hurts so much, you just stop feeling it?

I have a really accident-prone friend who says the big injuries usually don't hurt as much as the little ones, because your body can only handle so much pain before it just stops feeling it.

That's kind-of where I'm at, emotionally.

Today is February 1. Tomorrow is Imbolc. I could read into that, but don't know if I'm strong enough to. Which is probably gibberish to anyone reading this, but... I kinda don't care. No offense.

So, since this is the first of the month, I guess it might make sense to set out some ideas of what I hope for this month to bring.

Clarity. Not crystal, because that's asking a bit much in 4 weeks. But... I hope for things to be a little more clear. I hope to comprehend my reality a little better. I have no idea which way everything will go. I have two very obvious answers swirling around in my head, directly opposing one-another.

I am going away next week for work. I hope I can use that time to escape from my personal crap and see things from 'the outside'. I also hope I don't drink too much and become the crazy chick who cries uncontrollably when she drinks. Ha. Actually, I may not drink at all. Part of me just wants to escape reality any way I can, but I also don't exactly feel okay with giving up any level of control.

I am starting Belly dancing classes. Supposed to start this week, but I'll miss my first class. Should give me something to focus on, something fun and active to get me out of my head.

Often times I want to create when I'm hurting, but it requires tapping into my emotions, and everything's still a little too strong to deal with.

I'm not even brave enough to listen to music, or read a book.

I just spin in a little circle thinking and rethinking and crying and sleeping and thinking some more.

Really (and I'm warning this is seriously selfish of me) I am hoping for the apocalypse. Just - let's all just not deal with crap anymore. If 'the big one' hits, we'll never have to deal with anymore pain. Our own, or anyone else's.

Y'know the boom-de-yada commercial on Discovery Channel? It's always given me chills up my spine, and butterflies in my stomach. It fills me with this overwhelming joy of being alive. I can't explain it. But when I saw it today it made me burst into tears, becuase all I could think was "Bullshit."

A good friend of mine sent me a link to http://graceinsmallthings.ning.com/. I'm going to try to take part, because I can use all the help I can get to not let this thing swallow me.

I signed up and only read it briefly, and I might be doing it wrong so-far. But something I read said to start with listing 5 blessings in your life per day. I think Cara does 7 per week. So I dunno. But right now, 'cause I could use a challenge, I'm going to list 5 things.

1. I am physically healthy
2. I have two wonderful furry cats who will love me and cuddle with me regardless of whatever else happens
3. My place of work is understanding about personal emergencies
4. I have friends and family who will support me whether or not they think I'm making the right decisions.
5. There are more people who care about me than I thought.

Better Dreams Last Night

Luna and Sol, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Last night I only remember a bit of my dream. I was holding a baby, and the 'feeling' of the dream was good. I felt nurturing, protective, maternal.

The dream likely came from the fact that we took our cats to the vet last night (annual check-up), so there was lots of holding, petting, cooing, comforting, etc. Yes it was a human baby in my dream and not a cat, but it's probably symbolic. I mean, really - My cats ARE my babies.

Also, as a side-note to that vet trip, I mentioned that Luna (the black one) meows a lot at night. And it's not a quiet mew, either. It's full-on, top-of-her-lungs yowling. She literally sounds like she's in pain. She does it during the day sometimes, here or there - but EVERY night, around 3 or 4am.

So the vet took some blood, and today called me to say that Luna has a hyper-active thyroid. The noise she makes at night is because she is feeling very uncomfortable, like she has too much energy and doesn't really know what to do with it. However, apparently this is rare in young cats, and Luna's only about 4.5 years old. So we're going to run a few more tests to make sure there's nothing else we're missing.

Poor Luna. But at least we kinda know what's going on with her at night. If the further tests don't find anything else, then it sounds like it'll be daily pills for her.
:(

December

To be honest, I hate this month. I know that makes me a bad person, and I apologize. I really wish I could just skip it altogether. But I'm not going to sit here moaning and complaining about it. Just... If I don't seem thrilled, it's December's fault.

My dreams have been mostly of work lately. Work stress. Forgetting to do things, offending people, saying the wrong things, trying to get a point across, but not being heard. Last night it was about codes and regulations and I was arguing over something should be under "this" code or "that" code. And I also remember arguing that traffic collisions should be called collisions, not accidents.

I did spend the last 3 days in a course on CSA Z662... Oil and Gas Pipelines Construction and Inspection Codes. I blame it.

After 3 solid days of being in a course, my already far-to-heavy work load got much worse. Add to that the fact that the year is coming to an end, and I only have like 12 work days left before January. WHAT? The fact that I'm constantly dreaming (nightmaring?) about work crap tells me I'm too stressed-out over it. And of course when I'm having crappy dreams all night, I'm tossing and turning and waking up and not getting a good sleep. Which sends me to work soooo tired, and incapable of taking-on the world. Ya know? The work load builds, I can't do everything to the best of my ability, the stress gets worse, the dreams get worse... It's a never ending cycle. Wtf? Ugh.

And it's Christmas. I promised not to rant about my hatred for Christmas. So I shan't. But. Ugh.

Wow, this is a really crap blog-post. Okay, I'm going to take a cue from Ms. Carter, and list 7 blessings:

1. My pregnant friend sent me pictures from her ultrasound, and in one of them the baby looks like he/she is waving. She and her baby are happy and healthy, which means so much to me.

2. A psychic told me that said friend's baby and I are kindred spirits. I got goosebumps when the psychic was explaining this to me - she said I would look into this baby's eyes, and we would know and understand eachother immediately. When I told my pregnant friend about this, it made her cry - but she assured me they were happy-pregnant-tears.

3. I bought a new camera last weekend. Nikon D90 - It's pretty. It has video capabilities. I've been playing with it a bit, but not enough yet.

4. I signed-up for flex-benefits at work. Last year I procrastinated until after the deadline, so I got the auto-assigned benefits. This year I was able to tailor my benefits to my situation, which left me with enough "flex dollars" to purchase 8 extra vacation days for next year. I already get 3 weeks vacation, plus 12 flex days. So... Next year altold I should have 35 days, or 7 weeks. That's insane. I love it.

5. I am not having financial problems. I have, in the past, endured some very scary financial situations. I am bumping along just fine now, and have to remember that life is SO much better, knowing I can pay my bills and afford to eat.

6. I am part of a healthy and loving relationship. I know so many people out there are not, and like the financial thing, a good or bad relationship has such a profound affect on every aspect of life. Next week is our 2 year anniversary, and we've got reservations for dinner somewhere we've never been. It's a surprise. I like these kinds of surprises. I'm lucky to have the man that I do.

7. My family and friends are all relatively healthy. There have been times when this wasn't so, and I know that there will be sickness and death in the future. But for now, the people I love are okay. And that is amazing.

:) Okay, I actually feel much better now. I am a lucky person. I am in a good situation. Compared to those in my community, my city, my country, I have it good. Compared to millions of women all over the world, I'm fantastically wealthy. How many millions of women in the world are still not allowed to own property? How many entire families live in a home the size of my bedroom? I am amazingly fortunate, and am kind-of ashamed to realize how often I forget that.

Huh.

Last night, I dreamed that Brian asked me to marry him. I thought he was joking. I thought, "if only he were serious. But I know he's not." but then, he produced a ring. It was simple but sparkly. He told me he was serious. I accepted, and was so happy. Awoke not remembering the dream right away, except I knew it had been something positive about Brian. I just wanted to hug him and kiss him and be with him all day. It took me a few moments to fill in the blanks of the rest of the dream.

In actuality, a co-worker of mine showed me her custom-made engagement ring yesterday. This is likely where the dream came from. Really.

The night before last, I dreamt about our bathroom renovations. The tile we have chosen is matte, but in my dream I realized that we really should be using shiny (like glass) tiles in order to make the small space look bigger. Ran this idea past Brian when I was awake. I think he grunted.

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Last night I dreamt I was in a place like the little European towns we saw. Narrow little cobblestone streets, steep stairs and sharp drops. Everything seems sorta piled on top of itself. I was with Taryn at one point - I think we were shopping, looking in little stores. At one point I walked up the street and turned around and couldn't find her, but then she came out of a store. She was smiling, we were having a great time.

One store was fancy nighties - like, really fancy. Robes, scarves, tassles, beads, silk. The woman who worked inside looked like a fairy or a goddess - flowy, quiet, beautiful.

I may have been looking for a hotel with my little sister at some point. Eventually we wound up drinking with my co-worker Sarah. The drink I had was Absynthe and soda water or something - it was a soft green color and it foamed and fizzed, and it tasted REALLY good. I told my sister her mouth was glowing green, and she told me mine was too. Sarah and I tried to stumble back to our hotel, but we were so drunk we just kept laughing and falling over.

Dreams, Grandmothers, Memories

While I was on vacation (about 20 days in Germany, Austria, Italy and Switzerland) I dreamed almost exclusively of my mom. She was in my dreams every night for the first two weeks - only after that did I stop remembering a lot of my dreams. The dreams were varied - some were nightmares, others were not. In some of them she's alive and others she's not. A couple times she was even off in the background, not a part of the 'story line', but just my mom.

I don't remember a lot of the details anymore (almost a month later) unfortunately.

Last night I dreamed about my Grandma Hamilton. Again, unfortunately, the details are vague. All I know is that I was hanging out with my dad's grandmother, my great-grandmother.

Actual memories are these:
Ella Hamilton was born in 1900, and passed away in 1996. I was 14 at the time and I remember her wake. Mary-Jo and Bob sang a folk song about doves, and we all talked about our favorite things about her. I spoke about the fact that she named all of her stuffed animals on her bed at the nursing home. Every time we visited her, she told us all of their names. The only one I remember is a puppy-dog named 'Lovey'. In my mental image of her, she's laughing. Everything about her seems soft and fragile. She would pull coins out of a film canister for us, so my little sister and I could go buy pop or chocolate bars from the vending machine down the hall.

I also have a very vague memory of her which I believe is a much older one, where we are in her apartment with the lion on it and the curvy balcony-rails. She is wearing a green and white dress and apron, and she gave us Guylian chocolates. In this memory I almost think my mom was there instead of my dad - but they split up in 1987 (I think), so that would make me like 5 years old or younger in this memory, and I'm not sure I have memories that far back. How old do people's earliest memories tend to be?

Dreams of Vacation

The Old Reflections Factory, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I haven't been recording my dreams much. I mean to, but only have time to do it in the evenings - and by then I've forgotten most of them.

I've been dreaming about work a lot for the past few months. Hints of work are very apparent in most of my recent dreams:

- My entire office department moves into a forest with stairwells in it
- Spreadsheets, searching, sorting, categorization (lots of these)
- Losing files, not being prepared for meetings, embarrassing myself at work
- Remembering tasks that I've forgotten to do at work in real life (literally, this one saved me once!)

But I am happy to report that I have recently also been dreaming about my upcoming vacation. I think I also dream about travel a lot in general, but lately I've been dreaming about my specific upcoming trip. Dreaming that I'm already there.

About a month ago I dreamed we were in Germany already, staying with a woman in a dress and apron with gray hair. I think she had children, and she lived in a tiny stone cottage in a deep green forest by a waterway... Sort of a waterfall or stream, but it was a brick waterway. It meandered like a stream though, and it was steep in places. I remember climbing and playing in it. Lots of green moss on green stones shaped like bricks. It was a good dream - I felt playful and happy and adventurous. I may have been young (7-14?) in at least parts of this dream, but I definitely had the knowledge that I was in Germany throughout.

Last night I dreamed of tours and of white water rafting in Germany. I don't even know where the white water rafting comes from, but it's what I dreamed. Again, the feeling was excitement and fun and adventure. I spoke to a guy who was some kind of tour guide maybe, or a local - telling me where I should eat and stay. There may have been something about language - he may have been trying to teach me German.

Wouldn't it be great to just wake up speaking German?

If you care to follow along on our actual adventure, go here:

www.twobsinablog.blogspot.com

New Dream - Pyro Ghosts

Yellow Flowers, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I only remember glimpses of my dream last night...

I was sleeping in an attic. There were other girls there - possibly my little sister, possibly friends from highschool. It was a dark bedroom, old grey/brown cots and blankets. Some tragedy may have befallen us - We didn't want to be here, but knew it was the best place for us.

The place was haunted by babies/children who had died there. There was a heater that looked like a fan (I think I saw one irl at Costco last weekend), but I was worried that it seemed like a fire hazard. I turned it off, but then things started moving and it was obvious the baby/child ghosts were unhappy. They made noises and frightened us until we turned the heater back on. They were only quiet/still when the heater was on.

Later in the dream I saw the heater leaning up against one of the beds, and the blanket was smoking, about to catch fire. I lept to turn it off, but then whoever I was with tried to stop me from turning it off, because we didn't want to upset the spirits in the place.

We figured out that the babies/children must have frozen to death in that place, and when we turned off the heater they thought we were trying to hurt them all over again. Eventually it came clear that they wanted to burn the place down.

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Like I say, I only remember bits from it... Brian thinks I should write more, and my dreams seem to be an easy place for me to start. Sometimes I try to wait for the REALLY big/amazing/vivid/spectacular ones, but maybe recording the more vague/normal ones is a good thing too. Dunno...