Whooooo... R... U...?

Bluish, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Ever since I was a little kid, I've had people tell me I'm old for my age. As a kid a got along better with adults than other kids, and in my 'adult' life, my closest friends tend to be 5-10 years older than me. I have been praised for my "mature" decisions, my smart, practical, choices.

I was so eager to grow up, to be in the same place as all my favorite people were. Career. House. Responsibilities. I've been working for the same company since I was 20, and bought my house at 23.

It seems, on the surface, that I'm reasonably good at deciding what I want, working hard, and reaching my goals.

So why, then, does it seem that I've gone wrong somewhere? I understand that in terms of finances and security I've done well for myself. I understand that it's rare for someone my age to be well into my mortgage. I understand that I make good money for someone with my lack of a post-secondary education. I understand that from the outside, it looks like I must have everything I could want.

But what about creativity? What about self-expression? What about beauty? What about art? These are things that I can be passionate about. These are things that I can feel beneath the surface of my skin. But that's just it... I keep them hidden, because from 8-5, I'm practical and mature and an expert on oil and gas pipeline regulations. Not an artist. Not creative or expressive or talented.

When I was growing up, I always wanted to be a teacher. For so many reasons. The creativity it would require. The joy and the challenge of helping kids grow and learn and develop into intelligent, free-thinking adults. The idea that the most important part of anyone's life is arguably their school-years, and the idea that I could help and encourage them along the rough patches, and watch them excell through the smooth ones. I had (and still do) such an intense respect for teachers. Knowing what a HUGE difference some of them made in my life, and wishing I could "pay it forward".

The union idea always bothered me. The fact that the good teachers don't get rewarded, and the bad ones don't get penalized. I've always known that the world would be a better place if good teachers were rewarded and bad ones fired. Bring in some competition. Some motivation, after the sparkle of "helping the kids" wears off. For many years, my plan of teaching included working my way up to a place of power within the union, in order to dissmantle it from the inside. Ha.

But when the time came, it didn't work for me. A wide variety of choices and circumstances landed me out of University by the end of my first year, working temporary office jobs, trying to make enough money not only to live on, but to pay off some credit card debt and save-up enough to get back to school.

By the time my finances managed to work themselves out, the company I was working for convinced me to stay on permanently. It offered me safety, stability, the security I craved since my mother's accidental death in 2003.

Of course I thought about "the dream I left behind", but always managed to explain it away. I'm too old to start 7 years of school all over again. I would come out of school making about what I already make at my current job. What if I changed my mind, and then realized I didn't like teaching afterall? I can't afford to buy a house AND go back to school, it's one or the other.

I put these blinders on. I told myself the ONLY logical solution was to pretend I had no other options.

And that's how I tend to live my life. I stay content with things because I pretend it's the only way my life could have turned out.

But every once in a while, I realize that's just not true. I get angry at myself for lying to myself, and my imagination starts running wild at what other options I've had and still do have, and what if I were brave enough to change course?

I could go on and on about this. I shouldn't. I won't.

I have ideas for a branch off this blog. But I do a lot more imagining than doing, so I can't say it'll ever actually become a reality...

Enough rambling on for now, I suppose...

Health Quest

Pax, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I mentioned in my last post that I am attempting to make my health a very serious priority. This is not an attempt to lose weight, but it is an attempt not to gain weight. Unless it's muscle-weight, which is fine.

Part of this is dietary. No meat at the moment, which was meant to force me into "high fibre, low fat". However, I seem to be replacing meat with dairy. Too much of it. Which is not much better for me. So now I am also focusing on cutting down on the dairy. I want vegetables, grains, fruits to be the focus of what I eat... I'm working on it day by day, some days are better than others.

The other part of this quest is activity. I've rarely been as active as I should be, with a few exceptions.

In '98 and '99, I had a summer job which had me on my bicycle 40 hours a week. Needless to say, that whipped me into shape fairly quickly. But my activity always dropped back to very-low as soon as school started again.

In January of 2003, I took up yoga and loved it. I started with 2 classes a week, but a few months later I was up to 5-6 classes a week. I believe that was the best shape I've ever been in. But in late August, my mother died and I quit yoga. I gained about 40 pounds in 6-9 months, and kept it for a couple years. Once every month or two I could convince myself to go for a jog or something, but I never stuck with any sort of routine. Apart from walking a few blocks to and from the bus stop every day, I pretty much just sat and did nothing.

In summer/fall 2006 I lost about 30-40 lbs without meaning to, and without even realizing it. I was not being any more active, I was just eating less. To the point where my friends became worried and had to point out to me that I wasn't getting enough calories in a day. It sounds strange to say, but I really hadn't known it until they said it out loud. And then it was SO obvious to me. I was eating practically nothing - I constantly felt sick and dizzy, and my clothes were all too big, but everything else in my life kept me from paying attention to it.

So then I was on a mission to make myself eat more. For a while I tried to make myself eat as much as I could in a day, just to get my daily recommended calories. But then, all of a sudden, I realized I was eating too much again. My portions were too big. I was gaining too much weight back.

So for the past year or so, I have been working on eating the right amount of the right foods. But it's not all about food. So I've been working on being more active as well. In the past year, I've worked out on average 1.6 times per week. This includes either 20-30 minutes of cardio plus stretching and strength training at the gym, a yoga class, or a full day of hiking or snowboarding. I have been tracking these things since February '07.

In November I noticed that my activity level was dwindling rapidly, so again I tried to ramp-it-up again. At this point I also started tracking my exact activity, and weight. Again, I'm not trying to lose weight. But the more I can track, the more motivated I tend to feel. In the past 4 months, I've worked out on average 2.4 times per week. This is pretty good, considering I was on Christmas vacation for 2 weeks in there (and did nothing during that time), plus a very lazy week in Mexico in January. If we take those 3 weeks out of the calculation, it's 3.1 times per week on average. Again - Not bad.

However, I've not been feeling any different. My body doesn't seem to notice the change in activity level. In the past, that type of change would have been SO apparent, in every other aspect of my life - but at the moment I still just feel like I'm not doing enough somehow. My weight has bounced around within a 5 pound range since September - up and down and up and down. Perhaps the fact that it's always the same TYPE of activity is to blame?

So Brian and I are planning to start taking yoga classes again in March, Monday and Thursday nights. I remember noticing a HUGE difference in my body with yoga in the past, so perhaps it'll give me the motivation I need to keep on this quest.

Also, my friend Heather has convinced me to give belly dancing a try. According to her it is an INCREDIBLE core workout, and it sounds fun besides. I'm waiting to see if I can start late in a class that began last week, but all signs point to yes.

So - Continuing to go to the gym on my lunchhours, plus yoga on Monday and Thursday nights, plus a bellydancing class on Tuesdays or Wednesdays - If this doesn't help me to get and stay in shape, I don't know what will.

And now, it is time to act on all this rambling, and go to the gym.

Silence

First Star I See Tonight, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I have been quiet here. Not quiet all around, but here - on this front. I have thought about closing this blog, thinking "I have other interests, other priorities, I don't want a blog". But then I think about the things it COULD be, if only I really wanted it to be...

Nonsense? Usually.

I think about turning it back into a dedicated dream blog. Sometimes I want it to be a journal. Sometimes I want to force myself back into fictional writing, and perhaps this would give me a place to do that... I don't know... For now, some really brief updates on the past year or so...

Brian and Spaces (his kitty) live with me now. We are working on home renovations when we can find moments to do it.

I am focusing my creative energy on photography, although I feel I'm at a wall in a sense - I want to do more with it, but feel like I don't have the knowledge required to take it much further... I am working on the "52 Weeks" project - a self portrait every week for a year. The photo posted here was from the same photoshoot as my "Week 15" shot. It's an interesting project sometimes.

Work is work. Always busy, stressful, but rewarding in the end.

Brian and I went on little mini weekend-trips every month last year until August. In August we went to Burningman. It was a pretty awesome trip. We rented a truck and camper, and lived in it for 2 weeks on our way to and from Burningman. Brian had never been, and it was exciting to introduce him to Black Rock City.

We won't be attending Burningman this year. The theme this year is "The American Dream", which pisses me off more than I care to get into right now... Perhaps a rant for another day.

But even if it weren't for the theme, I don't know if I need to go back. This year was my third. It was still the amazing, surreal, unimaginable place it's always been, but I also would really like to do some other travel. I want to see other places and meet other people and experience other things that I never have before. And when I only have 2-3 weeks per year to travel, I can pretty much only do one "big" trip a year.

This fall was full of everything. Too busy for anything. Brian gave up his apartment in October, and "officially" moved in.

We've both been trying to focus on our health - better eating habits, more excercise. I've been going to the gym on most of my lunch hours. 4 times a week, on average I'd say. I'm hoping to add some yoga back into the mix again - Brian and I are going to take a class together on Monday and Thursday nights starting in March.

I went to Mexico in January with my sisters, my aunt, and her best friend. It was an amazing experience as well - having never been anywhere outside of Canada and the U.S. Mexico was so incredible, and I want to go back with Brian and my camera.

Brian and I are not eating meat until the end of February (Brian started January 1, I started when I got back from Mexico, on January 12). We are trying it out to see if we feel any differently, health-wise. I think Brian has noticed more of an effect than I have - He's lost 17 pounds. I still feel tired as usual, but I think that's just something I'll always have to deal with. This diet has forced me to eat more vegetables, which is awesome. Plus it's got me trying out a lot of new recipes. We are undecided whether or not we'll go back to meat at the end of it - Currently we're thinking maybe just seafood - we miss sushi. If I do start eating fish again, though, I'll make a point to only eat sustainable ones.

We've been making a big effort to be more "green" in general. We're composting everything we can, and have installed a programmable thermostat in my house - and just got a more energy-efficient refrigerator... Babysteps.

Okay, having been out of the blogging world for quite some time, I don't have much energy for it... But thought I'd give it a shot and see how it feels...