Happy Halloween!

Hello all - It's Halloween!!! I hope you are all having a great one. I am the only one dressed up on my floor at work - but that's nothing new. Actually, I used to always be one of about 4 dressed-up, but this year I am literally the ONLY one. Hm... People keep saying that lots of people used to dress up - even last year, apparently, there were at least 10 or 15 costumes on the floor. Even when I went out at lunch time - I saw very very few. Makes me kinda sad, somehow. I wonder if it's a trend, or just this year? Of everyone I've seen around downtown today, I'd say less than 3% are dressed up.

I don't really know what I'm dressed up as, just some sort of dark-gothicy-sorceressy-type lady. Looooong dark red skirt with a bit of a train, black lace-up top, black flowy cape. I braided my hair last night so it would be all crimpy, and this morning I added sparkles and stars. And of course dark gothicy make-up. It's fun.

I didn't get a pumpkin to carve this year - too busy, too broke. But my house is decorated all Halloween-y, and I'm SO excited for the darling little kiddies to start coming by looking for candy tonight! My poor roommate doesn't get home from work until 7, so he'll miss all the really cute little ones...

Okay, I think that may be all I have to say - I just wanted to acknowledge this lovely day, and encourage you all to do something - ANYTHING - to celebrate this holiday. Pretty please? For me?

This just in...

You Are Indigo

Of all the shades of blue, you are the most funky, unique, and independent. Expressing yourself and taking a leap of faith has always been easy for you.

What Color Blue Are You?

Dreaming - Amy Lee

So, I've thought for a while that I'd like to record my dreams on my blog. I don't always remember them in great detail, but I'd like to note the bits I DO remember, and then I think I'm more likely to keep remembering them more specifically. Right? Right.

So, last night I dreamt of Amy Lee of Evanescence. She was wearing a tanktop, her hair long and dark, and her barbell in her eyebrow. We were sitting on a couch together, and she was crying. I tried to comfort her, holding her, stroking her hair. She didn't think she was brave enough or strong enough to endure, and I told her she was. She insisted she was no different from any other young woman out there, and I said, "Exactly. And we've all got the strength inside us. We just have to find it, and figure out how to use it."

What do I think this dream means? I think it's a combination. For one, I think it could be like a conversation to myself, telling myself to snap out of it, and realize I've got what I need inside me, just like anyone else. Secondly, I've probably been listening to far too much Evanescence lately. The Open Door hasn't come out of my car since I got it almost a month ago.

Time to get back to work. I finished one of my performance reviews this morning (the one with my new boss). It was pretty good. I didn't get too much scolding in terms of the situation with "fucking guy" (see yesterday's post), I guess he figured his yesterday-scolding was sufficient. So we listed my priorities, which makes me happy - Always good to know precisely what I'm expected to do.

We also talked about my future career development, and I'm excited about that. Basically for the first while, my learning focus is just on learning what I can from talking to people, and reading whatever I can (AEUB regulations - Woo!), and getting to know all the processes and proceedures. But in Fall 2007, my boss plans to get me into a NACE Corrosion course. He would like to see me become a Corrosion Technologist. In order to be called a Corrosion Technologist, there are 5 courses which probably take about 2 and a half years to complete, plus you have to work in the area of corrosion for 2 years, but my current position is considered to be in that area of corrosion, so it appears to make perfect sense. Also, I think it would open a lot of doors for me. I don't know all the options it would open up to me, but most of the engineers I work with are called Asset Integrity Advisors, and I could certainly head in that direction if I wanted - pipeline inspections and stuff, ya know?

Anyway, I know this is still a couple years off, and I also know that I have a new big exciting plan for the rest of my life, like - Every 3 days. But for now it's good and exciting, and something to look forward to, or to aim for. Makes it feel like there's a reason I do things. Ya know?

I would also like to announce that Josh gets serious points for leaving me a comment yesterday, although I may have to take into consideration that it took him 2 months to get around to it. Teehee. Okay, that's all. Back to workimus stressimus.

Arg. And once again, I've tried like 7 times to post a picture with this post and it's not working. If I keep trying and it keeps not working I might break something. So no pictures again today. Sowwy.

Just thought I'd post a little note to let people know I still exist. I've been sick, sick, sick, lately and my new job is kicking my ass.

I know I'll get healthy again one day, and I know my job-stress HAS to ease-up eventually. So all I've gotta do for now is hang-on, survive, and not get fired in the meantime. Right?

When I feel the panic creeping in on me, I wonder where it came from, what it wants, and why it had to come back. I've done the panic thing, and the depressed thing. And I've dealt with them and sent them away.

And everytime I send them away, I think "good riddance! Never to deal with THEM again!" But they do come back. I suppose there is no permanent fix. But you can make them stay away for longer, or go away faster, as you learn them - Get to know your patterns, understand why and what they are.

But I suppose that even though I think I understand my patterns really well, that doesn't necessarily mean I know how best to deal with them, or alter them.

I look at this afternoon - Tight, twisted, dizzy, short of breath. I thought "wouldn't it be nice to not have to exist? Wouldn't it be great to not have to deal with all this crap? Maybe I should just go away..." I'm not sitting here plotting my own death, but it did startle me to hear the thought skitter through my head. But what is really wrong with this afternoon? Is it really any worse than any other day? Aren't there days that I could have dealt with everything that came my way? Of course. There have certainly been days where I've had far more catastrophe to deal with than today - But today it just hits harder somehow.

What do I want? I don't even know. Hm... What would make today a good day?

Today would be a good day if...
- The guy who's supposed to be training me, would train me.
- The same guy who's supposed to be taking over my old stuff, would take it over already!
- The same freakin' guy didn't make more than twice what I do, while clearly caring FAR less than I do about the task at hand.
- My shirt wasn't itchy
- My pants weren't too big
- I wasn't sick
- My boss didn't get in trouble this morning from his boss, because "fucking guy" won't hand over the task that I'm responsible for. Fucking guy is lazy, so I can't do my shit. So I get in trouble with my boss because he's in trouble with his boss who's in trouble with his boss, who I have a meeting with on Friday so I can fill him in on my "progress". Ha.
- My bra didn't keep undoing itself
- I could afford lunch
- My shoes didn't pinch my toes.
- I didn't have nightmares last night.
- I wasn't such a freakin' whiner.

I hate to bitch, but sometimes it does some good to cry out. Hell, I'm pretty damn sure no one even reads this, so it's not like I'm even whining to anyone real.

I got to work at 8 this morning, and worked through lunch which technically means I should have left here 15 minutes ago. But I have an hour on the c-train ahead of me. I won't get a seat, because I get on the 3rd last downtown stop. I'm dizzy from hunger, and the sway of the train will be fun to navigate.

Sometimes when I'm sick and standing on the train, I glare at the backs of heads of people who are sitting down. I wonder which one of us feels less healthy at that moment. I wonder which one of us had the worst day, who's shoes are less comfy, etc. There are many factors that go into "who should get to sit" But the reality is, if you work on the west end of downtown, you get a seat. If you work on the east end of downtown, you do not. Period.

And now I have the hiccups. How is this fair?

Okay, now I'm going to pull my head out of my ass and list the GOOD things about today...
- Although I wore I white shirt to work today, I didn't spill coffee on it.
- I have half a tank of gas in my car
- I don't have to cook supper, because that's my roommate's job.
- Although I've been sick, I haven't been throwing up or passing out at work
- I'm done filling out my forms for my performance reviews (yes, 2 of them - I get one with the old boss and one with the new boss. Fantastic. But my prep is done, and that's a relief).
- It's October, and I like October in general
- I've pretty-much made it through 11 days of my current paycheck, and only have to get through 7 more before I get paid again. I'm more than halfway there!
- I got here earlier than usual, which allows me to leave earlier than usual. Not that I'm taking advantage of that opportunity...

But I should. I should go home and curl up with my kitty cats. Think happy thoughts.

PS. I tried to post a photo with this, but blogger's not letting me. So I had a decision to make. I could spend another half hour trying to upload this photo, getting more and more pissed off and panicky by the moment, or I could say "fuck it" and go home. I've chosen option 2, because it will best benefit my psyche at this moment in time.

Friday the 13th, Angelina-Style

Happy Friday the 13th, all! I don't know if this tends to be a good day or a bad one, but I have certain hopes for this day. I hope that my friends are healthy and happy. I hope they are not stressed-out or panicky or upset. I hope their jobs are great, and that their homes are perfect sanctuaries. I hope their families are well, and I hope they all know I think about them even when I'm hiding.



So, I wanted to post something today - But was feeling uninspired. I decided to start with an image, and go from there. I searched for "Friday the 13th" images, which of course turned up just a lot of blood and ski masks. Which isn't really my thing... But then I stumbled upon a photo of Angelina which was apparently taken on Friday, January 13th.

And I became inspired.



I realized that I have never posted a pic of Ms. Jolie on my blog, and that is so weird, it's almost frightening. I thought I'd pick my favorite, but that was WAY too hard. So, instead I've chosen some of my favorite dark/spooky Angelina shots.



Oh, dark mistress - lay your deepest desires upon me, I shall fulfill your every whimsy.

As most of you know, my sexuality tends to fade back and forth between straight and bisexual. But I'll admit that even when I'm at my straightest, this photo still makes me weak - In the good way.



I can't decide which cut of this picture I prefer. I think in general I would prefer the one on the right, except that they have drawn in a fake tattoo (what, she didn't have enough to begin with?) that says Lady Croft. I have a couple of problems with that. I think it's a tattoo that Lara Croft, as a character, would not have. Secondly, she's not made-up to look like Lara, she looks like Angie. Everything about that photo is VERY Angelina - except the Lady Croft 'tattoo'...



I remember this photo from WAY back when I first fell in love with her in Foxfire. When I found this pic, I was like, "Oh my God, she looks like pure EVIL!" I have to admit she looks more evil in larger versions of this photo, but I can't find one. You'll just have to take my word for it.

Hiatus...

Some of you may have noticed that my little bloggy-blog has been kinda silent as-of late. There are a few reasons for that, mostly relating to being busy, and having limited internet access.

I am basically here to say that I WILL be back at some point, just not... This week.

I could tell you some stories, like...

This morning I was sitting in my car in a parking lot, and I spot this mini-van driving along, which suddenly SLAMS on the breaks, the drivers-side window opens, and out flies a can of pop - complete with a hole in the side of it, so it is spraying pop like 2 or 3 meters. When it hits the ground, it rolls and sprays, rolls and sprays... I was glad there were no pedestrians about. The mini-van parks, and I see the driver swearing to herself, and wiping down her console/dashboard/steeringwheel...

I guess it's not that strange a story, except that I remember it happening to my mom too. A can of sparkling grapefruit somehow got punctured, and sprayed a fine pink mist ALL over the interior of her car. It was one of the biggest, most difficult-to-clean messes I've ever seen. My mom was in a hurry at the time, so she decided to leave it until she got home. Problem with that is that it was mostly dry by then, so there were just these little sticky, shiny, dots ALLLL over.

What's my point? Don't really have one.

I have my house to myself for 5 days this weekend, which I'm torn about. Part of me is really excited to have my house ALL to myself again, because there are certainly times when I miss my very solitary existence of the past. But on the other hand, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't getting used to having other people around again. I think tonight I'll miss having someone to sit around and chat with, talk about the day, the night, futures and nonsense...

I'm ridiculously nervous for Sunday, because it's Thanksgiving dinner - and I'll be seeing Tarah for the first time since January. Even worse, Brianne won't be there, because she's out of town. Dammit, why can't I be out of town? Whatever. I'll stick close to my dad, like a 3-year-old, and hope Tarah can just ignore me. Earrrrg.

Other news? The new Evanescence CD (The Open Door) has finally been released! I've been waiting for this for YEARS, and I'm so excited to finally have it in my hot little hands. Well, in my hot little car stereo, really. Anywho, I know that if you're an Evanescence fan you'll check it out on your own, and if you're not then you won't anyway - But I do have their official website in my links list if you care.

Hm. So - to any of you who actually know me, and are wondering if I still exist, I do. But y'know how sometimes I just slip into this parallel dimension, and all I want to do is hide? I can feel little tiny bits of that edging in... part of me thinks it's harmless to give-in, rest a while, hide a while, pull myself out of it when I know I goddamn have-to. But then part of me wonders if I'm knowingly putting myself in a darker place than I have to be. And when I do hide, is it really all that dark? I mean, I know it is sometimes, but...

I'm interested to see how I feel this weekend. How will I react to not being observed? Hehe - It's like - quantum-Brandi. Does the act of observation change me?
:)

I sketched a woman in charcoal last week, for the first time in a loooong time. I may draw some more charcoal women this weekend. But I might not, either.

Yahuh... And it's time for me to go. I took this morning off to drive my roommate and his brother to the airport, and this afternoon was INSANE in this office! And I found out that the guy who used to do the job I'm starting dropped the ball on a whole pile of pipeline amendments, so I pretty-much spent the past 5 hours trying to figure out which ones got screwed up, and why, and how I can fix it, and how long it'll take, and when we need the license by, etc, etc, etc... Basically I can't resubmit most of these without a basemap, and it takes like a week to get a basemap, and at least one of these licenses is needed for construction starting next Wednesday. It doesn't help that Monday's a holiday, either. So I'm going to take all the paperwork, and show up AT the AEUB offices tomorrow morning first-thing, so I can hopefully get the basemaps, adjust them accordingly, attatch them to the paperwork and - God-willing, maybe even get them SUBMITTED tomorrow? They still need a day or two for approval. There's a CHANCE of this stuff being done by Wednesday, but it's not likely. Damn, I hope this job isn't always like this. But I don't think it will be. I think this has a lot to do with Ryan and I kinda sharing jobs at the moment - it makes for a lot of both overlap and oversight. BUT - I am really enjoying this position otherwise. I'm sure it'll get better when it's all mine.

I know it's not polite to talk about such things, but I'm excited and I want to share - This promotion also landed me with a 12% raise, and I may get stock-options soon. Alan (new boss) says that he'll look into it, but if I don't yet I will soon - Perhaps with my January raise. Yay.

Earggh. Time to go home. I need to relax and hide for a bit, and hopefully it'll leave me lighter rather than darker.