Back Again... Hello.

Dark Veranda Room, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I've been away for a while, which was mostly not on purpose. Last I blogged here was in March. Of the things I mentioned there...

The job Brian applied for fell-through, but he's still looking around for work in Vancouver. Apparently his industry is a little saturated out there right now, but I know if it's meant to happen, it will.

On the other topic I spoke of... The changes to my family. My dad married Pam on August 7. It was a beautiful little wedding in their back yard. It was just them, the marriage commissioner, the 5 daughters, and 3 SOs (Adam - Liz's husband, Chris - Brianne's boyfriend, and of course Brian). At least 3 of us daughters bawled when Dad and Pam did their vows. It was such an amazing outpouring of emotion... Completely unbridled. They really are so in love - it's amazing to see, and I'm so so happy for them both.

It was also nice to get to know my new step sisters a little. Brian and I seem to have some stuff in common with Liz and Adam, and it's unfortunate they live so far away. We don't usually make it as far as Castlegar on our little Ziggy road trips, but perhaps we'll make an effort, now that we have a reason to. They spoke of an interest in purchasing some kind of camper van, which we whole-heartedly encouraged - perhaps we can meet halfway for some camping trips down the road.

Also exciting - Liz and Adam are expecting their first baby in February, so I'm gonna be a step-auntie! This excites me to no end. Not only for my own selfish child-adoring reasons, but also because my dad has been whining about wanting grand kids for a few years now, and although it wasn't me or Bri first, I'm happy that he'll get to finally be a grandpa. I've always thought he'll be a great one.

Being summer time, Brian and I are taking full advantage of the warm weather, and doing tons of traveling. We spent most of the month of June on the East Coast, and since getting back we've been out camping in Ziggy pretty-much every second weekend. We've also been photographing a few weddings (4 so-far this year). For full coverage of our wild 'n' crazy travels, as always... Check out our travel blog at www.twobsinablog.ca - we update that fairly regularly.

In late 2009, I gained a bunch of weight, due to various things. Partly health, partly bad food choices and laziness... So in 2010 I decided to try really hard to bring my weight back down to where it should be... I managed to come down about 10-15 pounds by June, then gained it all back on the East Coast. That's what happens when all you do is eat and drink. Ha! However, once I returned home, the weight did not go away again - infact I continued to gain. So I'm once again staring myself down, going - This is not okay. This needs to stop. I need to quit pampering myself, and work hard to get back into shape.

I've been totally bored by my workouts at the gym. I decided a couple weeks ago to start attending the lunch hour fitness classes they offer. As a member, it's free for me to drop in, they're different every day of the week, and advanced enough to keep regulars working hard... I attended a few of these classes a couple years ago, and they were so hard I was limping for days, and decided not to go back until I was totally back in shape. But I've now realized that's ridiculous. And if I just suck it up and force my way through them, it'll get me into that fitness level that I'm striving for.

I attended my first ever spin class (followed by a 20 minute core strength class), which was exhausting, but I'm excited to keep it up. This class happens on Fridays.

On Monday, they offer a class called 'Muscle Works' which is what it sounds like - a strength class, using weights and medicine balls. I did that on Monday, and my thighs, bum, and shoulders are insanely sore. Despite this, I still went and did a cardio workout on my own today. I considered the Tuesday class, which is a step aerobics class... But I'm really not an aerobics girl, and I figured the solitary cardio was better than nothing.

Tomorrow's class is called "On-The-Ball Training", which is a strength-focused class using stability balls, BOSU balls, and medicine balls. I love this class. I may or may not attend tomorrow, still being pretty sore from Monday.

I have a co-worker who is incredibly active (she plays sports and attends bootcamps, etc - every single day), and she tells me that the best way to deal with sore muscles is to keep using them. And I have been experiencing the fact that the more I move, the more they're okay, it's only after sitting still for a while, that it hurts to move. But a full-on class?

I will probably try, because she's a good motivator, and knowing she's rooting for me helps. And because I know tomorrow afternoon she'll track me down and ask how it went... I don't want to have to tell her I chickened out and went for the elliptical again. Ha.

Otherwise... Art... I've been extremely procrastinatey (it's a word now) on my photos lately... Multiple months of nothing... I think I've just been away from the cyber world. I've been taking photos, but not processing or posting. I'm working on them now, aiming at 5 per night... I have a lot to get through.

And last I posted here, I was in the midst of a drawing class at ACAD... I loved that class. It was so great for me, in so many ways. I'm thinking of taking another class in the fall. Possibly an intro to painting this time? I'd have to decide between acrylic, watercolor, and oil... I think you're supposed to start with one of the two formers... I have always used acrylics in the past... Maybe I should take all three? Or perhaps I should carry on with drawing... There's figure drawing, landscape drawing, perspective drawing, 3d drawing... Or in an entirely different vein, I could give sculpture or fabrics or jewellery making a try...

Or... I've also been thinking about creative writing classes, and even piano lessons. I have a piano. I played all throughout my childhood. I'd love to get back to it. I suppose all it would take is practice...

I've been reading a lot. I read the first two books in The Millenium Trilogy, which are not really in my usual genre - but I liked them. They are translated from Sweden, and I suppose would fit under the Thriller category? There are subtitled movies out for the books, but I want to read the third before watching the movies. The third book is out, but only in hardcover... I'm waiting for soft.

I also read Eat, Pray, Love. I figured it would be a nice, light, vacation read. I didn't expect to care about it all that much - but I absolutely loved it. The wisdom in this book floored me - I hope to come back to read this book again, I think a lot of people could learn so much from this book... It really touched me. Aaaaand made me want to travel. Even more than usual... However, there is also a movie out based on this book and I am TERRIFIED to see it. I mean, I want to... I'm curious... But I'm so scared that they've turned it into some stupid fluffy chick flick. Even one of the lines in a preview made a statement that was totally opposite to the point of the book... I dunno. We'll see...

Currently I am reading a strange little book called "Her Fearful Symmetry". It's about a couple of mirror twins (identical, but opposite - one of them literally has all her organs on the 'wrong' side) whos mysterious British aunt dies and leaves them everything in her will, as long as they live together in her Flat for one year (which borders on the famous Highgate Cemetery), and their parents are never to set foot in it. It's a love story, a ghost story, a story of family secrets and London history... Dark and funny and organic. I'm just over two thirds of the way through, and I'm fascinated to find out what happens, but I also don't want to finish it, because it's great. It was written by the author of The Time Traveller's Wife... Which I haven't read - but think it may be up next on my list.

Also possibly upcoming on my list of reading... I'd like to find a good biography (possibly historical novel, whatever) on Mata Hari. I read a few online articles about her story, and it sounds fascinating, and a little tragic. Right up my alley.

For now, it's late... I need to get to bed, rest my poor muscles and brain...

I am planning to try to keep this up more often... But we'll see. We all know how procrastinatey I am in general...

The Wheel Turns...

That is a phrase my dad has used often as we get older. He basically uses it to assure us that he understands when things change...

Like when I was 16, and wanted to hang out with my friends on weekends, rather than go to his place. He understood, and explained that "the wheel turns, and there's no point in trying to stop it. Things will change, and holding on to old patterns won't help anyone".

He started taking me out for dinner every week or two, to catch up. This was the pattern for many many years - No matter what was going on in my life or where I was, we'd catch up over dinner, just the two of us. After I'd been dating Brian for a while and it was apparent it was 'serious', he suggested I start bringing Brian along, because the wheel had turned again.

After my mom died in 2003, and Christmas moved to dad's house, and it wasn't the same - he explained that it couldn't be the same, and we need to turn with the wheel.

Much more recently, this phrase has come up again. Something that was always one way is changing. And we can't be afraid of it just because it's change. The wheel turns.

My parents split up 23 years ago. To my knowledge, my mom never dated again, and neither did my dad - until now. In August, he fell madly in love with a woman named Pam. This past weekend, he proposed to her, and she said yes. They will be married on August 14 of this year. The wheel turns.

I'm really happy for them, honestly. They do seem perfect for eachother in many ways. I don't think I've EVER seen my dad as happy as he has been in the last 6 months or so. They are talking about these great adventures that my dad gave up on long ago. He hasn't done much travel at all in the last 25 or so years, but they have all sorts of ideas - biking across France, and buying an A-frame on a property in the woods, with a little trickling stream...

This also means I will get 2 step-sisters. Rachel and Liz. They are both in their early 30's. Rachel lives in Red Deer, and Liz is married and lives in Castlegar (BC). I met Rachel at Christmas time, but haven't met Liz. According to my dad, Rachel is more like Tarah (my older sister), and Liz is more like Brianne (my younger sister) and I. Buuuuut who knows what that means, ya know?

It is very strange when your immediate family changes... Either through the loss of someone, or the addition of someone... It's tough to know how dynamics will shift. But we'll just turn with the wheel, and old patterns will turn into new patterns, which eventually will be old ones again.

~~~

In an entirely different vein, there may be another turn of the wheel coming up. Brian is applying for a job at UBC. It would be an amazing opportunity for him if he gets it. It would obviously mean we'd be moving to Vancouver - which is something we've been toying with for a year or two. It's not for sure of course - just a job application sent out into the universe... We'll see what comes out of it.

~~~

I had to get some thoughts out of my head, but now I should get back to work...

Feb. 21.

Purple Sea, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I was sick last week. Getting mostly over the cold by now. Still some coughing and a headache, but nothing serious. Back to work tomorrow. I am stressed out about work. Like, serious knot-in-stomach stressed. Don't really know why, can't really explain it. I think I'll be fine, but what I think and feel are usually two separate things.

My birthday is this week. My 'family' birthday dinner worries me, as usual. Something else I can't logically explain.

My dreams have been vivid, which makes me glad. I love when my dreams get vivid and detailed. When the spin is good, they're like little mini vacations.

Speaking of mini vacations, B and I drove out to Banff last weekend, and Canmore today. Our tiny escapes are important for our psyches, but they also mean we ignore our home. It's tough to find the balance sometimes, between work, home, and escape.

I'm loving my drawing class. I will definitely be taking more classes in the fall. But I'm struggling with whether or not I should apply as a 'real' part-time student. Should I be taking classes I can get credits for? I mean, it would take ten or twenty years to actually obtain a degree, one or two classes at a time. And I'm worried about it cutting down my options. Would I need to choose a 'direction' right away? If I stick with the 'credit free' classes, I can take whichever class tickles my fancy each semester. I'll never have any 'credits' to show for it, but do I need them? I'll love the journey, regardless.

I'm just excited to feel like an artist again. I want to feed that side of me. Honestly, I want to give it more than I can afford to. I know I need to stay practical. But again, logic has nothing to do with what I feel.

I was digging through some old photos from our trip to Europe, and found this one. I took it at Montorosso, Italy. There is something in the look on my face here, my eyes, my mouth, I don't know... Something struck me.

And now, although I'm avoiding it, because it means the weekend is over and the week is about to start... I need to go to bed. It's a quarter past eleven, and I've got a BIG week ahead of me...

New Year

2009 is over. I'm happy about that. I suppose if I wasn't I'd be living in the past.

2009 started out on an extremely dark note for me - But thankfully there was only one direction to go after that - and that was up. By early spring life was back to good.

Brian and I visited his mom in Vancouver in May and July - which I always enjoy. I don't know when we'll be back to Vancouver, but I'm craving it - I hope it's soon.

We did a lot of relatively local travel this year. Lots of road trips - Alberta, Saskatchewan, BC. We road tripped to Burning Man and back in August, in Ziggy - our '85 Volkswagon camper van.

I saw Toronto for the first time ever in July - we visited Sabrina & Jamie, Josh & Mel. It stormed the whole week we were there, but I loved it. So warm, so wet. I love the rain, I love being poured on. And being warm enough to stay in it. Ha. I spent a bunch of time shopping, and we visited Niagara Falls.

Three different friends of mine each gave birth to a boy in the spring. Rowan, Wesley, and Graham. I love that I've finally gotten to the point in my life that my friends are having babies. I can't wait to watch them, and all the other little kiddies in my world grow up into little people. :)

In the fall, my dad announced he's fallen in love. He's been single for 22 years, since he & my mom split up. It came as a shock, but I'm happy for him. I like his girlfriend - she seems good for him, and that's probably all that matters. It will be really interesting to see if my family will grow in 2010 in that way. Pam has 2 daughters in their early 30's - I may get step sisters.

In early December, I suffered a surprise-miscarriage. I didn't know I was pregnant, until I miscarried. I wouldn't have been far along - but it was still quite something to digest. It's a strange thing to experience.

2010 is a year I am really looking forward too. In a couple weeks, I start a drawing class at ACAD. This is something I've wanted to do for most of my life and I can't imagine why on Earth I never have. I am SO excited for this, I can't even complain. This year I hope to start putting together a portfolio of my work. Gotta be open to possibilities, right?

Also in the creative vein, I'm hoping to get back into self portraits. I haven't been doing any lately, but when I did I think I learned a lot from them. I don't really want to say much about them, because I don't know how to approach it yet, and don't want to jynx it.

In terms of travel, it seems it'll be a year of weddings. We're off to Jamaica at the end of January for the wedding of Shawn and Tanya. It'll be Brian's first tropical vacation and my second - one to remember for sure. In July we have a wedding in Kelowna, which we are likely to combine with a bit of BC road tripping. Just us & Ziggy & the highways & the hot springs! That's what it's aaaaaall about.

In early June we have a wedding to attend in Rexton, New Brunswick. I've never been further East than Toronto, so we're gonna take a good 2 weeks and travel around NB a little.

So, no laughing at this next one: We've been renovating our upstairs bathroom since March 2008. In late 2009, we got it up to the point of having all the drywall installed. Earlier today (Jan. 1) we started mudding & taping. We'll continue with that tomorrow... I'm feeling pretty motivated to get that over & done with. I feel like we're finally glimpsing the light at the end of the tunnel. We're also in the stages of planning paint and tiles... And that stuff's exciting.
:)

I have no idea what else this year will bring. In no particular order, I hope for: Travel, adventure, art, friendship, creativity, love, passion.

Huh.

Do you ever get kinda weirded out by life?

I feel, emotionally like I am at some sort of crossroads. I can't really identify what it is, but I feel suddenly different about so many things. I feel like I need to be creative. I feel like I need to pay attention to my artsy side. I feel almost dishonest with myself or something. I don't know, I can't explain.

I'm starting an art class in January. A drawing class at ACAD. I'm so excited, because I haven't been in an art class in ~10 years. I've been wanting to go to art school all my life. I mean, more than that, even. More than I'm going to go into here.

Somehow I've always had these excuses. These reasons not to do it. I can't even count how many times I've looked at the ACAD calendar, read through all the courses, ranked the classes, planned out which ones to take. But always something would come up. I'd get sick, or busy, or I get focused on something else. I was just never able to get started.

But then I realized, I don't have to have it ALL planned out before I begin. I keep stopping because I can't see how it'll all turn out. I'm not sure what life has in store, and so I don't know what decisions to make about it. But the things I do right now are not just about the future, they're about right now as well.

This is a recurring theme for me, perhaps. I can recall a few times in my life when faced with potentially life-altering decisions, and I make no decision, for fear of making the wrong decision.

This art class is such an exciting thing for me, I can't even describe it. When I finish this class, I'll be better equipped to take another step, even if I still don't know where it will lead. It can't hurt.

There are strange things going on in my family that I don't quite understand yet. And my health is not peak. I am not enamored with my job. These things add to my desire to just close myself off and create. Ugh. Why can't I just be content with the crap I have to do?

Buh. Now I'm just moaning and complaining. Life is weird. That's not news to anyone.

B and I are taking the day off work tomorrow, we might head up to Bragg Creek. He's lived in this city for 15 years, and never been there. It's time.

Oh - PS, last night I dreamt of Vancouver. We moved to Vancouver and were hanging out on the beach. There was a tidal wave, and we had to run down the street to avoid it, but everyone told us not to worry, and that it happens all the time - no biggie. I pointed out to Brian that some children are burying themselves in the sand, under shallow water. We were trying to find help for our friend C (who in actuality we are no longer in contact with, but were close with at one time). We found some sort of park ranger, and when we brought him back to C, he started talking to another woman I didn't recognize. He called her Nicki. I kept telling him, 'no, it's C that needs help, not that other chick'. But he keeps talking to Nicki, trying to help Nicki. I believe at some point in this dream that I was also trying to explain my fear of water to someone.

Update

Blue on the Playa, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

First-off, good news about my friend (from my last post)... I visited him in the hospital on Sunday, and he was up and talking and joking and seeming like himself. He looked pretty bruised and battered, but apparently he's healing at an amazing rate. Because of the head injury, he's still not completely 'out of the woods', but apparently if he survives the week after the injury, chances are he'll survive overall - and it'll be a week since the accident in about 3 hours. Yaaaaay!!!

Other bits:
Still haven't updated our travel blog about our latest adventure... We've been home for about 10 days, but somehow our heads are still kinda swimming. Busy busy with real life, but at the same time wishing with all our might that we could avoid it.

So not wanting to face life, but knowing we have to, we are trying to focus on getting things done. Trying to eat better, cook at home more often, buy more food from the farmer's market than the grocery store. Clean house, organize. Fix stuff and deal with stuff before the snow flies.

I am gaining weight like crazy, so also attempting to get that under control - went back to the gym today for the first time in a while. Signed up to get a personal trainer today. Part of the reason I have trouble sticking to a fitness program is that I get frustrated when I can't see results, and don't know if I'm going about it the right way. If I could get help getting started, maybe I can carry it on myself. I just want to make physical activity a habit. I've been there before, where I craved it. I just need help getting back to it.

My main goal with this is health. When my physical health is good, my emotional health is good. It makes a huge difference in my life to be fit and feel good.

At some point in my life I would like to run a 5k race. I know it's silly and little, but it is something so contrary to part of me that holds me back sometimes... I don't know how to make this make sense. Maybe it's as simple as proving to myself that I can do something that for years I never would have believed I could have...

As well, my little sister recently asked me to join her in some bikram yoga classes... I told her I need to be in better shape before getting back to yoga at all, never mind bikram. She suggested we pick a date in the future to attend a class together, that that's how long I have to prepare for it, however I've gotta do it. We didn't agree on a date... But I may still...

Thirdly, Brian and I are going to Jamaica in February, and it sure would be nice to feel good in a bathing suit again.

But, as I said before - health is number one. I want to feel good, and I don't right now. I hurt all over. Lots of headaches lately, my tummy is always upset, and so many stupid little aches and pains all over. I feel like such a whiner, because I know everything I feel is a result of decisions I've made for myself - things I should or shouldn't have eaten, etc. And activity. I know I need it - but it's just so hard when I feel so bleh. Never-ending cycle, ya know?

But I'm taking steps to reverse it. Gym today, and again tomorrow - One at a time, it's all ya can do, right?

It's been a month since I've posted anything. Stuff's been a little crazy, as always.

In July we spent time in 4 seperate provinces. It was a constant whirlwind...

July 1-6 - West Kootenays road trip in BC
July 7-8 - In Calgary, working.
July 9-13 - Ghost Town hunting in Saskatchewan
July 14-16 - In Calgary, working.
July 17-19 - Vancouver for No Doubt concert
July 20-21 - In Calgary, working.
July 22-26 - Toronto
July 27-30 - In Edmonton, working (me only - Brian was home that week).
July 31 - In Calgary, working.

Upon coming home from Edmonton, I was informed I'd be heading back out to Grande Prairie two weeks later, and almost burst into tears. I managed to postpone my Grande Prairie trip until late September/early October.

We bought a 1985 Volkswagon Van in the first week of August. It's a perfect little thing for us, because we do love our little roadtrips so much. It'll be great to not have to worry about finding hotels or restaurants. The van boasts a sink, a stove, a fridge, and two double beds. We've named her Zeitgeist (basically translates to 'spirit of the time or age'), but it's Ziggy for short. She's dark brown, and gorgeous. There are a couple quick snapshots of her on Two Bs in a Blog. We haven't had a chance to take her camping yet, but we've done some driving around - out to Canmore with my dad for a hike and dinner a couple weekends ago. Burningman will be her maiden voyage, and what a voyage it will be!!!

One of my best friends in the world (Josh's Blog) got married last weekend. He and his new wife (Freshly Grated Nutmeg) live in Toronto, but they had their wedding here because the majority of their friends and family are here. They both grew up in Calgary - he moved east about 5(?) years ago to attend McGill, and then relocated to Toronto a couple years ago, where she joined him at that time. It was a beautiful wedding, and I'm so happy for them both. Makes me miss them, though - makes me want to go hang out in Toronto some more. :)

Emotionally, I've been a little up-and-down lately. Partly, the problem is that all this travel we're doing keeps whispering in my ear, telling me I need to do more... Everywhere I go, I want to stay. The further away from home I get, the happier I am. There's gotta be something unhealthy about that.

For the past couple of years I've been dreaming of moving to Vancouver, as I've mentioned here before. It seems unlikely at this point. At least not anytime in the forseeable future. And that does make me sad. I've lived in Calgary all my life, and really feel like it's time to see things from a different angle. But maybe there's more to my restlessness, I don't know.

Brian doesn't seem to be AGAINST relocating, but I think he doesn't really see a reason for it. He didn't grow up in Calgary, so this is already a relocation for him. This is already his 'move to the big city'.

If I were to leave Calgary, that would mean a change of career/industry, which is a little scary in itself, as ALL my experience and education is in this one industry which doesn't really exist in Vancouver.

And then more recently the thought of going back to school has crossed my mind yet again. Something like design. Which is amazing for me to say, because usually when I go down this line of thinking, I hit a big brick wall at "what would I take?" and honestly, something like design makes a lot of sense. It's artsy, it's something I would find fascinating, and it covers a LOT of categories, and would leave a lot of options open in terms of a direction to go in.

But then, of course, the realities hit:
- Can we afford it?
- Are we going to be starting a family in the next few years?
- Are we willing to give up the freedom for things like travel?
- Would it be stupid of me to walk away from my job and the company I've been with for seven years?

Ugh. It's been a tumultuous few weeks. I get hit with this every once in a while. This feeling of regret. If only I had a degree. If only I had a career that allowed for a little more creativity. If only I had changed direction sooner.

I know I've always made the decision that was 'best for me at the time'. And I know that's really all you can do, without knowing what the future will bring. But suddenly, looking back, there were several points where I wish I made a drastically different decision.

But then who knows where I'd be? I know, I know. Regret solves nothing. But sometimes it's hard to ignore.

The feelings of 'ick' have been coming and going for a couple weeks here. Mondays are especially rude and painful, but I just keep to myself and by Tuesday I feel more like a human being. I have even been going back to the gym more regularly than I had for a while. Being more active always has a positive effect on my psyche. It's true. It helps.

Most of the bad flew away on Wednesday of this week, however... I came to the realization that we leave for Burningman next Thursday. The 27th. By now, that's less than a week away. By this time next week, we'll be on the road! Somewhere in southern BC or northern Idaho, probably. Toodling down the road in Ziggy... Wishing each moment would never ever end.

I'm actually terrified about the inevitable 'let-down' that will hit upon returning home this fall. The reality that we'll be home battling the cold all winter long. Ugh. But at the moment, I'm putting those thoughts away, because those are horrible thoughts, and I don't want to deal with them.

The plan is to leave next Thursday morning, head west, and cross the border just south of Cranbrook. The most direct route is basically straight down through Idaho, cutting across the far SE corner of Oregon, and then into Nevada. We made the drive in two days in 2007 (even dealing with a flat tire at one point along the way), but we were driving until 2 or 3am, and then starting out again at 6 or 7am - and that's not the best (or safest) way of doing it. This year we hope to do little or no after-dark driving, and are giving ourselves twice the time to get there. We'll still be driving most of the time, but can probably afford to pull off and set up camp in the evenings and relax a bit at night.

We plan to arrive at Burningman on Monday morning. Our camp is called Midnight Poutine - There are 18 of us in total. I believe about 12 of them are from Montreal, 2 from Toronto, and 4 (including Brian and I) from Calgary. We will be serving poutine from midnight-2am, Monday to Friday. We're each signed up for a couple shifts. Should be very interesting. We actually got an amazing location - best I've ever had there - and are featured in What/Where/When. Meaning we will get TONS of traffic. We expect to serve 1500 poutines all-told. Holy crap. I've only ever had poutine once, and even once dated a guy who said he would dump me in a second if he heard I ever even tasted it (he was pretty sure the worst thing anyone could be was fat). I think it's probably perfect in the middle of the night, after some good partying. Haha, should be fun.

The Man burns on Saturday (Sept. 5 this year), and everything starts to wind down shortly thereafter. Many people leave on Sunday, most people leave on Monday. Brian and our buddy Kay and I will be hanging around until Tuesday, ensuring the camp gets all cleaned up and taken away. We'll miss the mass exodus, and leave the day after most people, which means less time sitting in a vehicle in a line-up, mostly.

We have about a week to meander back home... We're not sure yet where we're gonna go, which route we'll take. My vote is for the coast. I would really love to visit the ocean. I love that whole drive, and we could even go as far up as Vancouver, visit some friends and Brian's mom, before heading back east for home... We'll see. There are a million possibilities.

Ooookay, now I'm going to go do some stuff. I am planning to update here again before leaving, but any travel entries will (as always) be on our travel blog - Two Bs in a Blog.

Ciao for now!

Apres Moi

Apres Moi, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Haven't blogged in a while, figured I should...

The above photo was inspired by Regina Spektor's 'Apres Moi'. I am so deeply in love with that song right now - it is constantly playing in my head. The verse she sings in Russian makes me weak and trembly. Incase you wonder...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bk34WD9d6Og

Regina Spektor rocks my socks.

I've had an intense couple of weeks since my last post. My maternal grandmother suffered a stroke a couple days after my last blog post here. She's not doing well. She's in her late 80's, and I guess the doctors aren't very hopeful. When I saw her last weekend, she was awake for a few minutes at a time, and vaguely seemed to know we were there, but she can't really speak. Apparently she'd been counting in Dutch a bit - one to a hundred, then starting back over at one again. Her brain may be trying to revert to earlier memories - Dutch was her first language. She smiled at me as I was saying goodbye, and my aunt says that's the last time she's smiled. She is now only awake for seconds at a time, and isn't saying more than a general "wha?" she probably doesn't know anyone's there. It's tough to know how much she's aware of. I'm going to go see her again on Saturday. It's hard not to cry.

Around the same time this happened, Brian and I did some yard work and I injured my back. Couldn't move the next day. Went to the doctor, and she gave me some anti-inflammatories and pain killers. I stayed home from work last week until Friday - the thought of sitting at my desk for 8 hours straight was painful. It's mostly better by now, though. I have been at work this week. There's the odd movement that hurts, I just have to be careful. Soon I'll start working on building my core strength back up. Best way to prevent re-injuries.

About a week ago I got a voice mail from the husband of one of my best friends, saying that she went into pre-term labor the night before (over 7 weeks early). The hospital gave her some injections and sent her home. Then she had to go back early the next morning. I got a phone call from him later saying that she was in active labor. He said "I don't know if you are spiritual, but please, if you are - pray for her, and for the little one."

Now, I almost curled up on the floor of the restaurant I was in at the time to cry. This girl is so important to me, I don't know what I would do if anything happened to her or the tiny life inside her. But, knowing that positivity in the universe is so much more important than negativity, I closed out those scary thoughts, and KNEW she and her baby would be okay.

The next evening I got a text saying it's a boy, and a healthy one at that! I squeeled, I laughed, I announced it to those I was with. I can't even put into words how important it is to me that he's healthy and she's healthy, and Oh my God. Really. No words.

He was 4.3 lbs, so pretty tiny - but remember, he was also 7 weeks early. Apparently otherwise he's perfectly healthy. Yes yes yes yes YES. :)

I haven't gotten to meet him yet, he's still in the hospital, as little babies must be for a bit. I can't wait though. And to give his new mom hugs and hugs and hugs. She left me a voice mail at work today, saying she's tired but everything's good. Yay!

I have busy times to come as well...

Tomorrow I've got an engineering intern starting at work, to take over the job I've had for the past 2.5 years, so I can move onto some other things. It'll be good to learn some knew stuff, a change of pace. I'm slightly concerned that we'll both wind up doing both jobs, which can lead to dropped balls, etc. but I want to think positive and just go with the flow. All I can do is wait and see how it all pans out. So I shall.

Saturday I'm having breakfast with my aunt, which'll be good - I haven't had much one-on-one time with her for a long time. After breakfast we'll visit my Grandma.

Also tomorrow, one of Brian's best friends is coming to town from Edmonton, to visit and have a little mini (24 hour) vacation, before his wife is due to give birth in a few weeks. This'll be their third, so he knows that after the baby comes he won't have a break for some time to come. I thought it was pretty brave of him to be leaving town mere weeks before his wife's due, but I guess it was her idea in the first place - and by the third, they know what to expect and when. It'll be good to see him, even if just for a bit. He leaves on Sunday.

As does Brian. He's going to Regina for work. He'll return from there on Wednesday, and on Thursday we leave for Vancouver.

We'll be in Vancouver for the mother's day weekend, visiting Brian's mom in White Rock.

There's more going on beyond that, but that's as far ahead as my brain can think right now. Too much, too much. Gotta keep some boundaries on it, or I will go insane!!! I know it.

*sigh* So tonight is a calm little island before a whole lot starts to happen... No idea what else will appear, because without fail we know life always peppers in more than expected...

I'll try to poke my head up more often, but we'll see.

'Till then, stay good, stay healthy, stay happy. Wishing greatness to all.

Things That I'm Excited About.

I Want To Live In Vancouver., originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Recently, I had a very depressing moment, thinking I had nothing that I was looking forward to. And I know myself well enough to know that one of the things I need in order to be happy, is 'stuff to look forward to'. There has to be some bright point I'm aiming for, or else I get so bored and depressed because I can't see 'the point", and can't care about things, and it's just that slippery downward spiral. But really, truly, I do have a lot of things I'm looking forward to. And these are some of them:

- Spring! Summer! The weather is getting warmer, and that always helps the mental state. Brian and I went for a walk in fish creek last night, and it was AWESOME. I was acting silly and hyper, jumping and skipping, and babbling and joking and laughing, and I literally felt high on the fresh spring air. And I have months and months upcoming of warm weather, weather we can be OUTSIDE in, comfortably, without getting frost bite or wind burn, or any of those other icky winter things. :)

- On Saturday, I'm going to watch sheep shearing at a farm. That is awesome. I've never witnessed such a thing (I'm such a city girl sometimes), and can't wait. It'll afford some GREAT photo opportunities for sure. Apparently there will even be some baby sheep. Cute! And some wool spinners. And lots of mud. :) Just sounds fun, ya know?

- On May 5, Bif Naked's new album (The Promise) comes out, and I'm thrilled for that! I've loved Bif and her work since sitting in the art room in high school listening to 'Lucky' with my friend Melanie. We shared her earbuds, and listened to the one song on repeat. Since then, Bif music has always been a part of my personal soundtrack. So NEW stuff? Awesome. Also, Bif was diagnosed with breast cancer early last year, and she recorded this album during final stages of chemo, and she's just such a super-star and an inspiration. She lives so positively, and she has such an incredible strength, I LOVE so much of what she represents, and I wish there were more role models like her out there! So many people could learn from her (myself included of course)!

- On the mother's day weekend (which is always a sad time for me, obviously) Brian and I will be going to Vancouver (White Rock specifically) to visit his mom. This will be the first Mother's day in 5 years that I've celebrated and honored an actual mother. And I know she's not mine, but aren't all good mothers really everyone's mothers? Plus, I think she'll be thrilled to see us. I think Brian hasn't spent mother's day with his mom for a while. And, mothers aside, Vancouver is just awesome and any excuse to visit is A-OK with me!

- On May 15, my city will FINALLY start picking up curbside recycling in my area. OMG. This is SO long overdue it's ridiculous. I mean, I've only ever lived in this city, so I don't really have much to compare it to, but I hear we're rednecks and this whole recycyling thing is a LONG overdue step in the right direction. We got our "blue bin" this week, and we can finally start to get rid of the plastic that we've had building up for like a year, because we couldn't in good conscience throw it out, and had no facilities AVAILABLE to us.

- On May 16, I'm getting my hair done. I only am allowed 3 hair appointments a year (because they're expensive, and my hair's pretty healthy and doesn't need much), but I love my hairdresser, so it's always a fun day. and even though other people can't usually see a difference (long hair is long hair), I always can tell such a difference and it feels so great.

- On May 18, we get a new Tori Amos album - Not quite Bif, but pretty exciting anyway. :)

- On May 27, Brian and I have tickets to see Rick Mercer live at the Jack Singer. I have no idea what to expect, but we both love that man with a passion - he makes us laugh like no one else on TV does, and I think it'll be just a great night out.

- At some point in June, I have TWO very dear friends giving birth! I haven't seen Dy in years, but we were the best of friends once upon a time, and I still love her dearly. She's having a boy, and she's going to be an awesome mother! And Taryn is a co-worker and a best friend of many years (5-ish?) and we don't know if it'll be a boy or a girl, but either way it's sooooo exciting. I've been waiting for Taryn to have babies for YEARS! And she too is going to be such a wonderful mom! And I'm going to be an obsessive auntie. :) Plus a psychic told me that her baby and I are kindred spirits, and we will know and recognize eachother from the first moment we make eye contact. Yeeeaaaaay Taryn-Baby!!!

- On June 23rd Regina Spektor is releasing a new album (Far) and that has me really excited too. I only just recently discovered and fell in love with her music, but I'm already salivating for new stuff from her! Can't wait.

- On the second weekend in July Brian and I are going ghost-town exploring in Saskatchewan, with a group of other photographers from around the country. It's semi-'guided', but I think it'll be awesome - I think there's something like 13 ghost-towns on the schedule? Plus some light-painting technique at night, which'll be interesting too. AND within Canada, I've never been East of Medicine Hat, so I'm expanding my little travel-box too!!!

- On July 18th, we have tickets to the No Doubt concert in Vancouver! I am thrilled for this as well. Not only have I wanted to see No Doubt in concert for over 10 years, we're seeing it in Vancouver, just for the heck of it. What a great adventure!!! I've only been to concerts in Calgary, so it'll just be awesome.

- We have tickets to Burningman this year as well, which happens just before labor day. We are unsure as-to whether or not we'll use them though. We might find another deserving couple to give them to instead. There are a few factors going into this decision, and it seems really 50/50 right now. We'll see...

- And in a longer-term sense, we've been giving a little more thought to relocating to Vancouver. This isn't a right-away thing, but possibly in the next year or two. We've hummed-and-hawed over it for well over a year now, but I feel fairly sure on my side that it is something I would like to do. It's a controversial decision, I know. And some people will not be happy with it, but hopefully most people will be supportive, and I believe we would be happy with it. But like I say, nothing's written in stone and nothing's even kinda planned yet. But in my mind, I'm working on the things I can start doing, to get us closer to that goal. For me I guess it's mostly focusing on the house, and getting it into peak condition, so when the time comes to sell it, we can get a good price on it... Don't worry, though. It won't be overnight.

*sigh*
I am a very lucky girl and I have an awesome life. I feel less 'free' than I once was, but in some ways I'm far more free now than I was. I have some knowledge/experience/maturity that I didn't have "back in the day", as well as a little more financial stability, and all-around bravery. Which counts for a lot.

Maybe it's spring talking, or Friday, or just a good mood for no reason - but hooray, hooray, how GREAT is life?

Another Belly Dancing Attempt...

Dancer in the Jar, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Last year I was convinced by a friend of mine to give belly dancing a try. It sounds like a fun way to inject an extra bit of activity into my life. I've taken dance classes in the past (jazz, ballroom, ballet) but let's face it - I'm not exactly shaped like a dancer. In the ballet class specifically, I felt like one of those hippo ballerinas. No good.

So belly dancing seemed like a good thing. I even found a friend (N) who was interested in taking it with me. So we showed up on time at the right place, but the class was canceled because they needed 6 people to run a class and only 4 of us showed up. We registered and paid anyway, and were told they'd keep us posted on the next class we could attend.

But then we didn't hear back. Of course, this was spring time, moving into summer - and most classes don't run during that time. Understandable. I didn't want to start a class in the fall, because of my trip to Europe (would have missed at least 3 of the 8 classes), and then it was coming up to Christmas, etc...

But early this year I found that a class was starting in March, and "N" was excited to get back into a class, and another friend of mine, "C" also was interested in joining. So we all three of us signed up.

I had to miss the first class due to an out-of-town conference for work that I couldn't miss, but I figured missing one out of the 8 would be okay.

The day before the second class, something bizarre happened between "C" and I, rendering us unable to be around each other anymore, so I called the dance school and apologized, promising I'd attend the next Intro class.

The next Intro to belly dancing class was to start tonight. Again I showed up at the right place, at the right time, as did 3 other people. This time they needed 8 to run a class - so we were 4 short.

Again we left our e-mail addresses on a list, and were promised we'd be kept in the loop on the next available class...

It's a little frustrating, because I'm already forcing myself to leave my cozy house on a Tuesday night. It's not easy for me to step outside my routine. I have an extremely poor track record with night classes, unless my job depends on them. But I'm older now, wiser perhaps.

I know I need to get out of my routine to get some color back in my life - and I'm trying!

I do really hope that I can eventually get into one of these classes. We got a very short little 30 minute 'demo' class tonight, and in that short time I used muscles I didn't know existed. I'm going to be sore tomorrow, and I love it.

*sigh* Cross your fingers for me, Wish me luck.

April

Playing..., originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I had a good weekend. Got to tag along on a fun photoshoot, went to the farmer's market, and bought a drawing tablet.

I've been wanting a drawing tablet for some time, hoping I can combine drawing with my photography - that's the idea, anyway. I don't have any sort of handle on photoshop to begin with, though - so the learning curve is steep. I have ideas, inspirations, but no knowledge on how to carry them out.

Not to mention energy. I'm feeling incredibly drained, for unknown reasons. I spend all day at work imagining all the beautiful things I'll create when I get home and then by the time I get home I just want to curl up in a little ball and sleep.

I'm having a lot of trouble lately knowing how to live, what to do. How do people decide what to do in their every day lives? We work most of the time, and we can't all have jobs that make our hearts flutter with passion... Can we?

I don't even know what I feel like I should do for a living. I have brainstorms, but they're all SO impractical. Where is that balance found? How do people do it?

I feel like the message lately is to be brave and step outside comfort in order to grow. But when I really think about it, it would be completely stupid of me to change what I do. Not without some reason, some catalyst. But then - could that be seen as me sitting around waiting for opportunity to knock?

How important is it that we let go of our securities in order to thrive? I feel like I've spent my entire adult life trying to be more and more secure in every way - and suddenly the universe is telling me it's all a waste, and I should be stupid and crazy like I wasn't when I was 21?

I don't want to be 21 again. I don't want to party all the time. There's so much about that time that I'm sooo happy to leave behind forever. But the freedom - There was a freedom I had access to, that I refused to take advantage of. I just wanted to be safe, and secure.

Now I spend so much of my life wondering where I would have been - WHO I would have been, if I'd made different choices. If I'd stayed in school and become a teacher. If I'd gone to art school, if I'd traveled on my own, if I'd run away to some place where I knew no one and worked in a little bookstore and lived in a teeny apartment above a cafe.

I know those people don't exist. There's no reason for them to exist. I didn't make those choices, I stayed safe. And there were perks to the choices I made. There were honest and logical reasons I made those decisions, and they were best at the time. And we can only really make decisions based on what we know right now.

So when do we know that it's time to turn everything upside down and try something NEW?

And when we do decide that, and work up the courage and the plan, and make these scary things happen in our lives, how do we know we're doing it for the right reasons? How do we know we're not just running away from things we should be facing?

And the truth, I know, is that we don't know. None of us knows what will or will not happen. We can't know. There's no such thing as black and white. But we have to be brave, and try.

But if I know this (and I'm pretty sure I do), how come all I ever want to do is hide? It's always my first choice. Avoid conflict, remove myself from it, hide. Put up my little walls, and wait for everything to just blow over. Deal with my own hurt and anger and sadness, and let everything external just sort itself out.

I do small things every day that I hope will point me in the right direction. I force myself to be brave about little things. I leave my mind as open and willing as possible, though I have to wonder if living the same days over and over again for years and years and years can even leave you with the option of being truly open-minded.

I've been falling asleep all day, craving my bed so badly. Now it's 11pm, and I suddenly feel wide awake. Isn't that the way it goes? What is it that is so screwed up about my body's clock, that it's always SO tired when it needs to be awake, and gets this burst of energy just as it should be winding down?

Anywho, in accordance with my endless attempt to train my body to behave like it should, I'm going to bed now. Nightmares are pretty-much the norm these days, so I'll wake up distant or worried or afraid, force strength on myself at some point before leaving the house, and face another day, like countless others I've already finished.

And I hope my next post is a little more cheery. Sometimes I piss myself off with the tone of these things, but once I start typing, I don't control it, it just emerges.

Continuing

Adventure, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Adventure - that's what it's all about right? Be brave, explore, fall down, get hurt, learn, get up, do it all over again. Right? That's the message I'm recieving from the universe recently, anyway. Just do. Be. Make it happen. It doesn't matter if you don't want to, it doesn't matter if you are afraid. Just get up every morning, put one foot in front of the other. Over and over again.

I've been dreaming two major themes lately: Babies and Italy.

The babies are rarely my own. They are other peoples' babies, but I am holding them, caring for them, in a couple cases even raising them. This likely comes from the fact that I have a couple pregnant friends, and I CAN'T WAIT to meet their new little people!

The Italy dreams are vivid and colorful. I am dreaming over and over again about visiting or living in Italy. Generally when I have these dreams I spend the next day completely obsessed with how I could actually go about moving to Italy. But I lucklily have people around me in my life to talk some sense into me. Until next time I dream it.

Brian and I are taking tomorrow off work, and spending the weekend in Banff. We're staying at a fancy hotel, and plan to have some outdoor adventures, and we'll definitely visit the hot springs, and maybe even take advantage of spa packages at our hotel. Also knowing us, and our love of tasty things, I'm sure we'll have some great meals too.

We used to embark on random little adventures at least monthly, even if it was just driving around Southern Alberta taking pictures and looking for abandoned stuff. Since our trip to Europe in the fall, our only trip was Vancouver over Christmas - which was a little stressful for a few reasons. We are in desparate need of an escape from Calgary, even if it's just a short one.

Today is quiet inside me, because one of Brian's co-workers committed suicide this week. I don't think I ever met him, but it shocked me all the same. Even from a distance, I am so sorry about this. For everyone who was in his life, I hurt for them, and hate that they have to go through the experience of losing him like this. Apparently he had two daughters. I can't even begin to imagine what they are going through. I think they are in their teens. I know what it is like to suddenly lose a parent too soon, but not to suicide. I'm sure it's an entirely different thing, and... Just an unimaginable tragedy.

Music has been very powerful for me lately - I've gone in phases with it all my life, but at its peak, music can be an amazingly strong force in me. I have to be careful with it though, because my favorite music has always been a little on the depressing/emotional side, and it can change my mood in the span of a song - or even a verse. In late January/early February I was afraid to listen to music for fear of what I might hear in it. I've been back to music in the past month or so now, and it absolutely helps me be strong or to understand how things are - but yes, sometimes I'll hear just the wrong song at just the wrong moment, and be completely crushed by the weight of it.

Something I'm finding really fascinating about music these days is how any one song can be taken in SO many different ways. When I was about 15 or 16 I listened to Sarah McLachlan's "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy" over and over and over again for months, and I felt like I understood every word, as though every song on it was written almost directly for me. It helped me through a lot of emotional turmoil, and has always remained an important album for me - And I've noticed that in the past month or so, when I hear songs from that album, I feel like I'm hearing some of them for the first time. Hearing them from different angles, new points-of-view - they are completely new songs.

Ha - and as I'm typing this, listening to my iPod (2500 songs on random), Fear just came on - from the above mentioned album. This song used to move me to tears. It still gives me goosebumps. Woo - yup, goosebumps all up and down me.

I am so deeply in love with music right now. Is there anything more spectacular?

So, in that vein - I've added a Last.fm widget to my blog - it automatically lists the top 7 artists I've listened to in the past week. Apparently I've listened to 3 times as much Regina Spektor as anyone else this week. I believe it.

Regina Spektor is someone I've only recently discovered. I know years ago I had enough people recomend her to me that I searched her out online, but never purchased any of her music. Brian just so happens to have a lot of her music, and I've been listening to her a lot lately. I absolutely love her style. It seems so cute, somehow. Cute, and unapologetic. I'd love to see her live, I feel like it would be difficult not to grin like a fool the whole time. There is humor, but also darkness. She is somehow realistic/blunt but also light-hearted. You can tell she is absolutely brilliant, and that goes a long way in winning my respect.

Speaking of live shows, I'm hoping to see No Doubt either in Calgary or Vancouver when they're around in July. No Doubt was another of my ABSOLUTE favorites when I was in my teens, and I never got to see them live. I'm not a huge fan of Gwen Stefani's solo stuff - it's a little too dance/pop/whatever for my tastes. So I'm really excited that No Doubt is on tour, and perhaps I can see them now, 10 years after I originally fell in love with them.

27

You don't know how lovely you are, originally uploaded by Brian U.

Yesterday was my birthday. I had a good one - Brian had a bouquet of flowers delivered to me at work, and then took me out for dinner at Jaroblue.

Jaroblue is on 17th Ave, and we love it. It's a tapas lounge with an amazing atmosphere, friendly staff, and fantastic food. And we feel it's priced pretty well, too.

We had olives, and smoked sturgeon ravioli, and a grilled pear and blue cheese salad, and atlantic char on tomato kasha and spicy green beans. And I had double cream brie for desert, and Brian had carrot cake. And a bottle of Ravenswood Zin along with it all.

So, 27, 27. I'm in my late 20s. And I know how ridiculous it is to be bothered by that, but I can't help it. I'll get over it, I know.

This year I am hoping to get back into running - I dabble in it here and there, but I would like to reach a new level with it. Nothing serious - I'm not competitive in the least. But I would like to challenge myself a bit with it.

Brian gave me a Nike+iPod as part of my birthday present. Basically there's a chip that goes in your running shoe, and a small attachment you plug into your iPod, and it records all your running stats. Speed, pace, distance, time, calories, etc, etc. I haven't tried it yet, but apparently it'll give you verbal coaching if you want it, as well as things like playing one of your chosen 'power songs' when it detects that you need motivation. Then of course you can log in online and see all sorts of charts and stats on your running progress.

I'm a huge nerd in terms of graphs. I want to graph everything. It's hugely motivating - it's trends and progress I can see.

Also this year I hope to get back into my creativity a bit again. Likely through photography... I'd like to get back into some self portraits - I might even try my hand at making up some characters and writing stories to go with. Dunno yet, but I'm feeling very antsy lately in a way that makes me think I'd like to create something new.

We have no travels planned for the year. We have some ideas, but nothing is realistic yet. We do actually have tickets to Burningman, but we're not really sure we'll use them yet. Also in the running, road trips - always road trips. Alberta, BC. Possibly the states. I'd love to go somewhere tropical, Brian talks a lot about Vegas. We'd both love to go back to Europe, but it likely won't be this year. I'd also really like to see some of Eastern Canada. So basically, we have it narrowed down to Earth.

But we also might just focus close to home this year. We're still working on bathroom renovations, and once that's done we're getting really eager to replace floors, and some windows and of course yard work in the summertime...

Work is a little (a lot) stressful at the moment, but I won't go into detail about that here.

I also just got a program for my computer to manage recipes. It seems like a pretty good little program so-far. I just played around a bit with it tonight, but looks like it'll be really good.

I'm tired and need to aim for bed now though. Just wanted to post a little birthday bit.

Okay

A Slip Between Dimensions, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

To anyone following along, I'm okay. I didn't want to worry anyone, just had to rant. A lot is changing in my world, and that's always scary. But I know it's good too. Everything's gotta change, and hopefully through that you grow. That's the name of the game, right?

What on Earth to say?

Inclinazione, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I don't know what to say. I don't know how to say it. I have no concept who (if anyone) reads this blog, so a certain level of privacy must be maintained... Which is tough when the thoughts swirling in my head are so so deeply personal.

My world has been turned upside down. Something happened that I couldn't have imagined. I mean, there were times I was afraid it would happen, but I truly didn't think it would happen. Not yet, anyway. But it did. And it shattered my world.

I don't know what will happen. I'm in a state of limbo right now. Crying, sleeping, blankly existing. Y'know how sometimes something hurts so much, you just stop feeling it?

I have a really accident-prone friend who says the big injuries usually don't hurt as much as the little ones, because your body can only handle so much pain before it just stops feeling it.

That's kind-of where I'm at, emotionally.

Today is February 1. Tomorrow is Imbolc. I could read into that, but don't know if I'm strong enough to. Which is probably gibberish to anyone reading this, but... I kinda don't care. No offense.

So, since this is the first of the month, I guess it might make sense to set out some ideas of what I hope for this month to bring.

Clarity. Not crystal, because that's asking a bit much in 4 weeks. But... I hope for things to be a little more clear. I hope to comprehend my reality a little better. I have no idea which way everything will go. I have two very obvious answers swirling around in my head, directly opposing one-another.

I am going away next week for work. I hope I can use that time to escape from my personal crap and see things from 'the outside'. I also hope I don't drink too much and become the crazy chick who cries uncontrollably when she drinks. Ha. Actually, I may not drink at all. Part of me just wants to escape reality any way I can, but I also don't exactly feel okay with giving up any level of control.

I am starting Belly dancing classes. Supposed to start this week, but I'll miss my first class. Should give me something to focus on, something fun and active to get me out of my head.

Often times I want to create when I'm hurting, but it requires tapping into my emotions, and everything's still a little too strong to deal with.

I'm not even brave enough to listen to music, or read a book.

I just spin in a little circle thinking and rethinking and crying and sleeping and thinking some more.

Really (and I'm warning this is seriously selfish of me) I am hoping for the apocalypse. Just - let's all just not deal with crap anymore. If 'the big one' hits, we'll never have to deal with anymore pain. Our own, or anyone else's.

Y'know the boom-de-yada commercial on Discovery Channel? It's always given me chills up my spine, and butterflies in my stomach. It fills me with this overwhelming joy of being alive. I can't explain it. But when I saw it today it made me burst into tears, becuase all I could think was "Bullshit."

A good friend of mine sent me a link to http://graceinsmallthings.ning.com/. I'm going to try to take part, because I can use all the help I can get to not let this thing swallow me.

I signed up and only read it briefly, and I might be doing it wrong so-far. But something I read said to start with listing 5 blessings in your life per day. I think Cara does 7 per week. So I dunno. But right now, 'cause I could use a challenge, I'm going to list 5 things.

1. I am physically healthy
2. I have two wonderful furry cats who will love me and cuddle with me regardless of whatever else happens
3. My place of work is understanding about personal emergencies
4. I have friends and family who will support me whether or not they think I'm making the right decisions.
5. There are more people who care about me than I thought.

December

To be honest, I hate this month. I know that makes me a bad person, and I apologize. I really wish I could just skip it altogether. But I'm not going to sit here moaning and complaining about it. Just... If I don't seem thrilled, it's December's fault.

My dreams have been mostly of work lately. Work stress. Forgetting to do things, offending people, saying the wrong things, trying to get a point across, but not being heard. Last night it was about codes and regulations and I was arguing over something should be under "this" code or "that" code. And I also remember arguing that traffic collisions should be called collisions, not accidents.

I did spend the last 3 days in a course on CSA Z662... Oil and Gas Pipelines Construction and Inspection Codes. I blame it.

After 3 solid days of being in a course, my already far-to-heavy work load got much worse. Add to that the fact that the year is coming to an end, and I only have like 12 work days left before January. WHAT? The fact that I'm constantly dreaming (nightmaring?) about work crap tells me I'm too stressed-out over it. And of course when I'm having crappy dreams all night, I'm tossing and turning and waking up and not getting a good sleep. Which sends me to work soooo tired, and incapable of taking-on the world. Ya know? The work load builds, I can't do everything to the best of my ability, the stress gets worse, the dreams get worse... It's a never ending cycle. Wtf? Ugh.

And it's Christmas. I promised not to rant about my hatred for Christmas. So I shan't. But. Ugh.

Wow, this is a really crap blog-post. Okay, I'm going to take a cue from Ms. Carter, and list 7 blessings:

1. My pregnant friend sent me pictures from her ultrasound, and in one of them the baby looks like he/she is waving. She and her baby are happy and healthy, which means so much to me.

2. A psychic told me that said friend's baby and I are kindred spirits. I got goosebumps when the psychic was explaining this to me - she said I would look into this baby's eyes, and we would know and understand eachother immediately. When I told my pregnant friend about this, it made her cry - but she assured me they were happy-pregnant-tears.

3. I bought a new camera last weekend. Nikon D90 - It's pretty. It has video capabilities. I've been playing with it a bit, but not enough yet.

4. I signed-up for flex-benefits at work. Last year I procrastinated until after the deadline, so I got the auto-assigned benefits. This year I was able to tailor my benefits to my situation, which left me with enough "flex dollars" to purchase 8 extra vacation days for next year. I already get 3 weeks vacation, plus 12 flex days. So... Next year altold I should have 35 days, or 7 weeks. That's insane. I love it.

5. I am not having financial problems. I have, in the past, endured some very scary financial situations. I am bumping along just fine now, and have to remember that life is SO much better, knowing I can pay my bills and afford to eat.

6. I am part of a healthy and loving relationship. I know so many people out there are not, and like the financial thing, a good or bad relationship has such a profound affect on every aspect of life. Next week is our 2 year anniversary, and we've got reservations for dinner somewhere we've never been. It's a surprise. I like these kinds of surprises. I'm lucky to have the man that I do.

7. My family and friends are all relatively healthy. There have been times when this wasn't so, and I know that there will be sickness and death in the future. But for now, the people I love are okay. And that is amazing.

:) Okay, I actually feel much better now. I am a lucky person. I am in a good situation. Compared to those in my community, my city, my country, I have it good. Compared to millions of women all over the world, I'm fantastically wealthy. How many millions of women in the world are still not allowed to own property? How many entire families live in a home the size of my bedroom? I am amazingly fortunate, and am kind-of ashamed to realize how often I forget that.

Huh.

In a Different Place and Time

Ceiling Fan, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I haven't been online in a while. I mean, I've still been checking up on my favorite websites and blogs and finding new ones, but I haven't been posting anything.

I'm not checking Facebook regularly, I haven't even been looking at Flickr.

Last November I started a photo project which demanded a self portrait each week for a year. I made it up to week 20-something. I feel guilty for having quit the project. Part of me wants to go back to it, but most of me really doesn't.

Sometimes I just don't want my face online. Sometimes I don't feel like sharing with the world.

I went through a period of hiding, trying to figure things out on my own. Not wanting to share or reach out to the world.

I eventually managed to sort things out and pull my thoughts into a more positive place, but with that came the desire to try new things. So again, my online persona (and camera) got ignored.

I still don't know if I feel ready to share with the online universe again, but I thought I'd just poke my head up, and say - I'm still around, but in a different sort of way.

I have been taking some photos still, but am quite behind on posting them (I'm still posting from February). And none of them are self portraits. Perhaps I'll get back to that, but I can't promise.

I have ideas, but lack the motivation perhaps to make them happen in most cases.

I am most of the way through a Photoshop class at ACAD, which has been fun. I still don't feel like I have a REAL handle on the program, but I have enough basic knowledge to play around with it and figure out what I want to. But the key is to make myself DO it.

Mostly, I tend to blame the fact that I never want to be on my computer when I'm at home. It's up in my office, away from Brian and the kitties. I sit in front of a computer away from Brian all day, and really enjoy the time we spend together at home on evenings and weekends. So to dissappear upstairs by myself seems odd.

So, what have I been spending my time on? Mostly domestic stuff. I tend to be a slob, and housework is one of my most hated tasks. But I've been trying hard to work on that. Part of why I hate it so much is that it is ALWAYS there, hanging over my head as something I haven't done, and is too big to deal with right now. So I'm trying to change my view of it. I'm working really hard at doing a little bit of it often, and eventually I'll get on top of it. Also things like cleaning AS I cook, etc. My house is gradually getting cleaner and more organized. I still have a long way to go, but at least I'm on my way.

I've also been doing a bit of cooking. Trying new recipes. Being newly vegetarian has forced Brian and I to try a lot of different recipes we've never had before. I'm also working on cutting as much dairy out of my diet as possible. I'm not going vegan, as I'm still eating eggs and honey. And I'm not even quitting dairy, just cutting out as much of it as I can, wherever I can. If we go out for dinner, it's practically impossible to be vegetarian AND dairy-free. So for now it's just when I'm at home, and on the rare occaision when I can find dairy-free options in restaurants.

I'm hoping the lack of dairy will help with my chronic skin problems. I've read a lot that seems to indicate that it should.

I've been excercising a lot too - taking classes at the Y. My favorite classes are the Stability ball and BOSU classes.

Spring is here as well, which also takes my focus outside. Working in the yard, going out with friends. Rarely do I want to sit inside at my computer when it's so beautiful and newly warm outside.

I do hope to get excited about my camera again, and get back to creating some beauty I want to share.

Registered

Green Reflectome, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Okay, I've done it. I've registered for Intro to Photoshop at ACAD. It doesn't start until May, but that's okay. It's coming, and it'll happen. And it'll be good for me.

Sometimes I have a tendency to get involved in TOO much - over-commit myself. Then at some point I freak-out, realizing I just can't stay on top of it all, and quit everything I can.

I would like to take some artsy night classes - have been thinking about it for YEARS. But I am afraid of it being "too much" and quitting. I hate quitting.

Most of the ACAD night classes are twice a week, and that's daunting to someone with my history. So I decided on the photoshop class because it's only once a week, on wednesday nights. Not too intimidating, only 6 weeks long. I'm sure I can do that. And it'll tell me if I can handle a two-nights-per-week class. Yup, yup.

Not feeling ultra-bloggy today. Not really feeling ultra-anything today. Not into my work, or my lunch, or my usual routines. Dunno. Looking forward to the weekend. We'll see what comes next.

Close Call

Week 19, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

This morning, on our way to work, Brian and I were very nearly involved in a head-on collision.

We were turning left from northbound Dartmouth Rd (bottom of highfield road), to westbound 25 Ave SE. Our light was green.

Suddenly, as we turned into the intersection, a blue/green pick-up truck (going very fast) came straight at us (travelling East in the westbound lanes). Brian managed to slam-on the brakes in time, and the truck had room to careen past us. If we were a second or two sooner, or if the truck was a second or two later, we would have hit head-on.

The pieces started to fall into place as we saw that this truck was being followed by a police cruiser with lights flashing. The cruiser proceeded more cautiously through the intersection, and a moment or two later, another followed.

Once we were able to discern what was obviously going on (Car chase. Never actually been witness to one before.), we proceeded slowly around the corner - only to see someone lying face down in the middle of the road (in the eastbound lanes), with another police cruiser parked nearby.

My first thought was that the truck must have hit that person - Must be a hit 'n' run. But then realized that the person lying face-down in the road was being handcuffed.

I can only imagine what the whole story is - I find that when I witness police in action, I can rarely ever find any details in the news or anywhere else.

It was a very sobering experience, though. We were SO close to a really horrible accident. It is a terrifying thing to realize.

In other news, there were firetrucks on my street last night. Lights flashing, but no sirens. The second one left pretty quick, but the first one stayed a while. Must have been a medical emergency - I hope whoever needed help is doing okay.

Aug. Now I have a giant lump in my throat. I'm going to get back to work now and think about some nice, non-emotional numbers and spreadsheets. Mmmmm, pipeline specs...

Duality

Week 18, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I know I'm not the only one who feels like they are two different people at times. Work-Me and Home-Me.

Work-Me is an acheiver. Organized, proffesional, driven. I am the one who took an imossible project and moved it further in 2 months than in the previous 2 years. Took a flailing position and made it invaluable. Came to the job with next to no knowledge or experience in the area, and quickly became the go-to-girl in my area. The one with the answers. Making things happen faster, more efficiently, more accurately. Forms, words, numbers. Regulations. These are my domain. At work.

Home-Me is an artist. Scatter-brained, creative, dreamy. The one who drew a star map on her apartment bedroom wall, complete with moving planets, in their actual current positions. Who likes to dress up in costumes and take pictures and read about far-away places and long-ago queens. Beauty, Nick-Nacks. Blue, crystals, kitty-cats, books, wings, tutus. These are who I am. At home.

When someone asks me what I do, I always start with "um". It's not that I don't know. It's not that I'm ashamed. I just don't feel like it has anything to do with who I am.

Who are you? A nurse? A lawyer? A mom? An engineer? A consultant? A writer?

Who am I? I don't know. I can't answer that with "A pipeline regulations tech". That's not who or what I am. It's what I do for most of my life. But it's not ME.

I understand that most of the world isn't doing what they always dreamed of. There would be a lot more rockstars and astronauts and spa-testers if that were the case.

You have to find the right balance, between doing something you enjoy and paying the bills, right? How do you know if you've got the right balance?

My job pays the bills. I know that. I know I wouldn't make this money anywhere else, doing anything else, with my level of formal education and experience. Period.

And I don't mind my job. In fact, I like it. Often very much. But love? Passion? How many people really feel those things towards what they do every day?

I work with great people. I have great respect for my co-workers and employers. I am proud to work for the company I do. But is it passionate and energetic? I'm not so sure.

I get passionate about people, beauty, ideas. Books, art.

I have been struggling with this for a week or two, now. I am usually pretty good at putting the silly ideas out of my head. No, I can't be an artist. I can't own a bookstore coffee shop. I can't design jewelery. I can't be an author. These things are not practical. I know nothing about running a business. I've never written anything long enough to be a book. Is it all a matter of "the grass is greener"?

*sigh* I probably won't ever know, until I'm 88 years old, in my rocking chair - thinking back on everything. Then I'll know if I did it right, or if I could have/should have...