What on Earth to say?

Inclinazione, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I don't know what to say. I don't know how to say it. I have no concept who (if anyone) reads this blog, so a certain level of privacy must be maintained... Which is tough when the thoughts swirling in my head are so so deeply personal.

My world has been turned upside down. Something happened that I couldn't have imagined. I mean, there were times I was afraid it would happen, but I truly didn't think it would happen. Not yet, anyway. But it did. And it shattered my world.

I don't know what will happen. I'm in a state of limbo right now. Crying, sleeping, blankly existing. Y'know how sometimes something hurts so much, you just stop feeling it?

I have a really accident-prone friend who says the big injuries usually don't hurt as much as the little ones, because your body can only handle so much pain before it just stops feeling it.

That's kind-of where I'm at, emotionally.

Today is February 1. Tomorrow is Imbolc. I could read into that, but don't know if I'm strong enough to. Which is probably gibberish to anyone reading this, but... I kinda don't care. No offense.

So, since this is the first of the month, I guess it might make sense to set out some ideas of what I hope for this month to bring.

Clarity. Not crystal, because that's asking a bit much in 4 weeks. But... I hope for things to be a little more clear. I hope to comprehend my reality a little better. I have no idea which way everything will go. I have two very obvious answers swirling around in my head, directly opposing one-another.

I am going away next week for work. I hope I can use that time to escape from my personal crap and see things from 'the outside'. I also hope I don't drink too much and become the crazy chick who cries uncontrollably when she drinks. Ha. Actually, I may not drink at all. Part of me just wants to escape reality any way I can, but I also don't exactly feel okay with giving up any level of control.

I am starting Belly dancing classes. Supposed to start this week, but I'll miss my first class. Should give me something to focus on, something fun and active to get me out of my head.

Often times I want to create when I'm hurting, but it requires tapping into my emotions, and everything's still a little too strong to deal with.

I'm not even brave enough to listen to music, or read a book.

I just spin in a little circle thinking and rethinking and crying and sleeping and thinking some more.

Really (and I'm warning this is seriously selfish of me) I am hoping for the apocalypse. Just - let's all just not deal with crap anymore. If 'the big one' hits, we'll never have to deal with anymore pain. Our own, or anyone else's.

Y'know the boom-de-yada commercial on Discovery Channel? It's always given me chills up my spine, and butterflies in my stomach. It fills me with this overwhelming joy of being alive. I can't explain it. But when I saw it today it made me burst into tears, becuase all I could think was "Bullshit."

A good friend of mine sent me a link to http://graceinsmallthings.ning.com/. I'm going to try to take part, because I can use all the help I can get to not let this thing swallow me.

I signed up and only read it briefly, and I might be doing it wrong so-far. But something I read said to start with listing 5 blessings in your life per day. I think Cara does 7 per week. So I dunno. But right now, 'cause I could use a challenge, I'm going to list 5 things.

1. I am physically healthy
2. I have two wonderful furry cats who will love me and cuddle with me regardless of whatever else happens
3. My place of work is understanding about personal emergencies
4. I have friends and family who will support me whether or not they think I'm making the right decisions.
5. There are more people who care about me than I thought.