Better Dreams Last Night

Luna and Sol, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Last night I only remember a bit of my dream. I was holding a baby, and the 'feeling' of the dream was good. I felt nurturing, protective, maternal.

The dream likely came from the fact that we took our cats to the vet last night (annual check-up), so there was lots of holding, petting, cooing, comforting, etc. Yes it was a human baby in my dream and not a cat, but it's probably symbolic. I mean, really - My cats ARE my babies.

Also, as a side-note to that vet trip, I mentioned that Luna (the black one) meows a lot at night. And it's not a quiet mew, either. It's full-on, top-of-her-lungs yowling. She literally sounds like she's in pain. She does it during the day sometimes, here or there - but EVERY night, around 3 or 4am.

So the vet took some blood, and today called me to say that Luna has a hyper-active thyroid. The noise she makes at night is because she is feeling very uncomfortable, like she has too much energy and doesn't really know what to do with it. However, apparently this is rare in young cats, and Luna's only about 4.5 years old. So we're going to run a few more tests to make sure there's nothing else we're missing.

Poor Luna. But at least we kinda know what's going on with her at night. If the further tests don't find anything else, then it sounds like it'll be daily pills for her.
:(

December

To be honest, I hate this month. I know that makes me a bad person, and I apologize. I really wish I could just skip it altogether. But I'm not going to sit here moaning and complaining about it. Just... If I don't seem thrilled, it's December's fault.

My dreams have been mostly of work lately. Work stress. Forgetting to do things, offending people, saying the wrong things, trying to get a point across, but not being heard. Last night it was about codes and regulations and I was arguing over something should be under "this" code or "that" code. And I also remember arguing that traffic collisions should be called collisions, not accidents.

I did spend the last 3 days in a course on CSA Z662... Oil and Gas Pipelines Construction and Inspection Codes. I blame it.

After 3 solid days of being in a course, my already far-to-heavy work load got much worse. Add to that the fact that the year is coming to an end, and I only have like 12 work days left before January. WHAT? The fact that I'm constantly dreaming (nightmaring?) about work crap tells me I'm too stressed-out over it. And of course when I'm having crappy dreams all night, I'm tossing and turning and waking up and not getting a good sleep. Which sends me to work soooo tired, and incapable of taking-on the world. Ya know? The work load builds, I can't do everything to the best of my ability, the stress gets worse, the dreams get worse... It's a never ending cycle. Wtf? Ugh.

And it's Christmas. I promised not to rant about my hatred for Christmas. So I shan't. But. Ugh.

Wow, this is a really crap blog-post. Okay, I'm going to take a cue from Ms. Carter, and list 7 blessings:

1. My pregnant friend sent me pictures from her ultrasound, and in one of them the baby looks like he/she is waving. She and her baby are happy and healthy, which means so much to me.

2. A psychic told me that said friend's baby and I are kindred spirits. I got goosebumps when the psychic was explaining this to me - she said I would look into this baby's eyes, and we would know and understand eachother immediately. When I told my pregnant friend about this, it made her cry - but she assured me they were happy-pregnant-tears.

3. I bought a new camera last weekend. Nikon D90 - It's pretty. It has video capabilities. I've been playing with it a bit, but not enough yet.

4. I signed-up for flex-benefits at work. Last year I procrastinated until after the deadline, so I got the auto-assigned benefits. This year I was able to tailor my benefits to my situation, which left me with enough "flex dollars" to purchase 8 extra vacation days for next year. I already get 3 weeks vacation, plus 12 flex days. So... Next year altold I should have 35 days, or 7 weeks. That's insane. I love it.

5. I am not having financial problems. I have, in the past, endured some very scary financial situations. I am bumping along just fine now, and have to remember that life is SO much better, knowing I can pay my bills and afford to eat.

6. I am part of a healthy and loving relationship. I know so many people out there are not, and like the financial thing, a good or bad relationship has such a profound affect on every aspect of life. Next week is our 2 year anniversary, and we've got reservations for dinner somewhere we've never been. It's a surprise. I like these kinds of surprises. I'm lucky to have the man that I do.

7. My family and friends are all relatively healthy. There have been times when this wasn't so, and I know that there will be sickness and death in the future. But for now, the people I love are okay. And that is amazing.

:) Okay, I actually feel much better now. I am a lucky person. I am in a good situation. Compared to those in my community, my city, my country, I have it good. Compared to millions of women all over the world, I'm fantastically wealthy. How many millions of women in the world are still not allowed to own property? How many entire families live in a home the size of my bedroom? I am amazingly fortunate, and am kind-of ashamed to realize how often I forget that.

Huh.

Last night, I dreamed that Brian asked me to marry him. I thought he was joking. I thought, "if only he were serious. But I know he's not." but then, he produced a ring. It was simple but sparkly. He told me he was serious. I accepted, and was so happy. Awoke not remembering the dream right away, except I knew it had been something positive about Brian. I just wanted to hug him and kiss him and be with him all day. It took me a few moments to fill in the blanks of the rest of the dream.

In actuality, a co-worker of mine showed me her custom-made engagement ring yesterday. This is likely where the dream came from. Really.

The night before last, I dreamt about our bathroom renovations. The tile we have chosen is matte, but in my dream I realized that we really should be using shiny (like glass) tiles in order to make the small space look bigger. Ran this idea past Brian when I was awake. I think he grunted.

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Last night I dreamt I was in a place like the little European towns we saw. Narrow little cobblestone streets, steep stairs and sharp drops. Everything seems sorta piled on top of itself. I was with Taryn at one point - I think we were shopping, looking in little stores. At one point I walked up the street and turned around and couldn't find her, but then she came out of a store. She was smiling, we were having a great time.

One store was fancy nighties - like, really fancy. Robes, scarves, tassles, beads, silk. The woman who worked inside looked like a fairy or a goddess - flowy, quiet, beautiful.

I may have been looking for a hotel with my little sister at some point. Eventually we wound up drinking with my co-worker Sarah. The drink I had was Absynthe and soda water or something - it was a soft green color and it foamed and fizzed, and it tasted REALLY good. I told my sister her mouth was glowing green, and she told me mine was too. Sarah and I tried to stumble back to our hotel, but we were so drunk we just kept laughing and falling over.

Dreams, Grandmothers, Memories

While I was on vacation (about 20 days in Germany, Austria, Italy and Switzerland) I dreamed almost exclusively of my mom. She was in my dreams every night for the first two weeks - only after that did I stop remembering a lot of my dreams. The dreams were varied - some were nightmares, others were not. In some of them she's alive and others she's not. A couple times she was even off in the background, not a part of the 'story line', but just my mom.

I don't remember a lot of the details anymore (almost a month later) unfortunately.

Last night I dreamed about my Grandma Hamilton. Again, unfortunately, the details are vague. All I know is that I was hanging out with my dad's grandmother, my great-grandmother.

Actual memories are these:
Ella Hamilton was born in 1900, and passed away in 1996. I was 14 at the time and I remember her wake. Mary-Jo and Bob sang a folk song about doves, and we all talked about our favorite things about her. I spoke about the fact that she named all of her stuffed animals on her bed at the nursing home. Every time we visited her, she told us all of their names. The only one I remember is a puppy-dog named 'Lovey'. In my mental image of her, she's laughing. Everything about her seems soft and fragile. She would pull coins out of a film canister for us, so my little sister and I could go buy pop or chocolate bars from the vending machine down the hall.

I also have a very vague memory of her which I believe is a much older one, where we are in her apartment with the lion on it and the curvy balcony-rails. She is wearing a green and white dress and apron, and she gave us Guylian chocolates. In this memory I almost think my mom was there instead of my dad - but they split up in 1987 (I think), so that would make me like 5 years old or younger in this memory, and I'm not sure I have memories that far back. How old do people's earliest memories tend to be?

Dreams of Vacation

The Old Reflections Factory, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I haven't been recording my dreams much. I mean to, but only have time to do it in the evenings - and by then I've forgotten most of them.

I've been dreaming about work a lot for the past few months. Hints of work are very apparent in most of my recent dreams:

- My entire office department moves into a forest with stairwells in it
- Spreadsheets, searching, sorting, categorization (lots of these)
- Losing files, not being prepared for meetings, embarrassing myself at work
- Remembering tasks that I've forgotten to do at work in real life (literally, this one saved me once!)

But I am happy to report that I have recently also been dreaming about my upcoming vacation. I think I also dream about travel a lot in general, but lately I've been dreaming about my specific upcoming trip. Dreaming that I'm already there.

About a month ago I dreamed we were in Germany already, staying with a woman in a dress and apron with gray hair. I think she had children, and she lived in a tiny stone cottage in a deep green forest by a waterway... Sort of a waterfall or stream, but it was a brick waterway. It meandered like a stream though, and it was steep in places. I remember climbing and playing in it. Lots of green moss on green stones shaped like bricks. It was a good dream - I felt playful and happy and adventurous. I may have been young (7-14?) in at least parts of this dream, but I definitely had the knowledge that I was in Germany throughout.

Last night I dreamed of tours and of white water rafting in Germany. I don't even know where the white water rafting comes from, but it's what I dreamed. Again, the feeling was excitement and fun and adventure. I spoke to a guy who was some kind of tour guide maybe, or a local - telling me where I should eat and stay. There may have been something about language - he may have been trying to teach me German.

Wouldn't it be great to just wake up speaking German?

If you care to follow along on our actual adventure, go here:

www.twobsinablog.blogspot.com

New Dream - Pyro Ghosts

Yellow Flowers, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I only remember glimpses of my dream last night...

I was sleeping in an attic. There were other girls there - possibly my little sister, possibly friends from highschool. It was a dark bedroom, old grey/brown cots and blankets. Some tragedy may have befallen us - We didn't want to be here, but knew it was the best place for us.

The place was haunted by babies/children who had died there. There was a heater that looked like a fan (I think I saw one irl at Costco last weekend), but I was worried that it seemed like a fire hazard. I turned it off, but then things started moving and it was obvious the baby/child ghosts were unhappy. They made noises and frightened us until we turned the heater back on. They were only quiet/still when the heater was on.

Later in the dream I saw the heater leaning up against one of the beds, and the blanket was smoking, about to catch fire. I lept to turn it off, but then whoever I was with tried to stop me from turning it off, because we didn't want to upset the spirits in the place.

We figured out that the babies/children must have frozen to death in that place, and when we turned off the heater they thought we were trying to hurt them all over again. Eventually it came clear that they wanted to burn the place down.

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Like I say, I only remember bits from it... Brian thinks I should write more, and my dreams seem to be an easy place for me to start. Sometimes I try to wait for the REALLY big/amazing/vivid/spectacular ones, but maybe recording the more vague/normal ones is a good thing too. Dunno...

Dream - Helicopters

Plus Fifteen Spatulas, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Dreams last night...

Earlier in the dream, I vaguely remember being friends with Rosie O'Donnell. We were in the kitchen, baking something. She had a kid I was helping take care of. The overall feelings were good. Happy, comfortable, friendly, loving.

We were preparing for a party of some sort, and I had to drive somewhere with Darrell Smith, a kid I went to Junior High School with. On our way back home, the police had the road blocked. They wouldn't let us through, and we couldn't tell what was going on. We found our way home by other streets.

When we returned 'home', I was in downtown Calgary, in a skyscraper. I was on approximately the 5th floor, and one wall was all windows. It may have been an art gallery of sorts - I was looking at colorful pieces of artwork, and I was in awe at how beautiful they were. I was really struck by the amazing beauty of it, and felt great respect for the artist.

There were people milling about, and there was a small black helicopter outside. Its tail swung around toward the building we were in, and I thought "Wow, that came really close to the window". And then it swung around again and did shatter the window, and the helicopter crashed.

Everybody started screaming and running, and I was outside. More helicopters crashed, and I called my dad to tell him what was going on. He told me not to worry, and that it was probably nothing serious. I looked up and a big white helicopter was falling towards me. I ran, and it crashed, and slid towards me. I managed to avoid it, but was suddenly dodging another falling helicopter. I told my dad I thought I was going to die. I was trying to say goodbye to him, but kept having to run and hide.

I found myself huddled indoors with dozens of other people, and we were all silent, trying not to be heard. I wanted to keep talking to my dad, but had to stay quiet. Then we saw through the windows that more helicopters were crashing into the building we were in.

~~~

I woke up to Brian asking me if I was okay. I was curled up against his back and shaking, breathing these short, panicked gasps. It took me a moment to realize I wasn't about to be crushed to death by a helicopter. Even after I realized it was a dream, my heart kept pounding, and I had to consciously slow my breathing. I sat up and drank some water, and eventually was able to go back to sleep.

~~~

This was an especially vivid dream. I was genuinely surprised and confused when I woke up in my bed and realized I'd been dreaming.

I'm not really sure where this dream came from. The mix of extremes (being so joyful and amazed at the beautiful artwork, and then suddenly so afraid for my life) is strange to me.

I wanted to blog it, because it's been so strong in my mind today. It might help to get it off my chest...

Dreams of Late

Pink, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Lately I've been dreaming lots.

Often I'm on vacation. Mexico, or somewhere like that. It's beautiful, exciting, and I miss Brian. I'm never on vacation with Brian, it's always my family, and Marilyn's family.

Last night I was on vacation somewhere - I don't know where. There was an enclosed swimming pool. I was running, trying to see as much as I could before I had to leave. I saw a big silver head in the distance, and I took photos of it to show to Brian. It reminded me of Burningman. As I was taking photos of it, some guy started talking to me. He knew I must be a Burner, because only a Burner would be so intrigued by the silver head. We talked about Burningman, he had pink hair. And then I decided to wander back, because I knew I had to leave soon.

When I got back, Marilyn was calling my name through a huge crowd. She was loading everyone into a minivan to go home. Brianne and Tarah were buying coffee at Tim Hortons for the trip home, so I decided to as well. But when I ordered my coffee, Tarah got angry and was yelling at me for ordering caffeine and sugar, and said I should order something smaller. Brianne got a small hot chocolate, so I did too. It came with 12 free chocolate bars. I had a ton of bags to carry, and kept dropping things. Marilyn's family was waiting for me, and Tarah was yelling at me. I asked her to help me, her response was to yell at me for making unrealistic demands on her. She was like, "can we please not go through this again? Can you please just hold your tongue? Do we really need to do this again?" And I ignored her.

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Three nights ago, I dreamt about a little girl I used to babysit. Her name's Melanie, and she was 2. In my dream, I carried her around and cuddled her, and played with her. Her mom was getting ready to leave, and giving me instructions for bathing and dressing Melanie. Her mother put her in a drawer, but I took her out again because I wanted to hold her.

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The next night, I dreamt I was babysitting Melanie again. This time I was also babysitting her sisters, Lindsay and Kimberly. Their mother had left a meal in the fridge, but the girls had just eaten when I got there. So they weren't hungry, and I didn't cook dinner.

The doorbell rang, and it was a man, saying he was there to babysit. I said I was the babysitter and there must be a mix-up. He said "No, I was asked to come help you because I can stay up later than you." I told him that when I used to babysit for them I was a lot younger. But that now I'm plenty old enough to stay up until the parents get home. But he came in anyway, and said that he was hungry. And then more people showed up for dinner. Both my sisters, and my mom came to the door, saying they were invited over for dinner. Then I realized that the meal in the fridge wasn't for the girls, it was for all the guests who were arriving. I tried to call Brian to help me, but didn't have a chance to.

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Lots of dreams lately, might keep posting them. Might not. Can't tell.

In a Different Place and Time

Ceiling Fan, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I haven't been online in a while. I mean, I've still been checking up on my favorite websites and blogs and finding new ones, but I haven't been posting anything.

I'm not checking Facebook regularly, I haven't even been looking at Flickr.

Last November I started a photo project which demanded a self portrait each week for a year. I made it up to week 20-something. I feel guilty for having quit the project. Part of me wants to go back to it, but most of me really doesn't.

Sometimes I just don't want my face online. Sometimes I don't feel like sharing with the world.

I went through a period of hiding, trying to figure things out on my own. Not wanting to share or reach out to the world.

I eventually managed to sort things out and pull my thoughts into a more positive place, but with that came the desire to try new things. So again, my online persona (and camera) got ignored.

I still don't know if I feel ready to share with the online universe again, but I thought I'd just poke my head up, and say - I'm still around, but in a different sort of way.

I have been taking some photos still, but am quite behind on posting them (I'm still posting from February). And none of them are self portraits. Perhaps I'll get back to that, but I can't promise.

I have ideas, but lack the motivation perhaps to make them happen in most cases.

I am most of the way through a Photoshop class at ACAD, which has been fun. I still don't feel like I have a REAL handle on the program, but I have enough basic knowledge to play around with it and figure out what I want to. But the key is to make myself DO it.

Mostly, I tend to blame the fact that I never want to be on my computer when I'm at home. It's up in my office, away from Brian and the kitties. I sit in front of a computer away from Brian all day, and really enjoy the time we spend together at home on evenings and weekends. So to dissappear upstairs by myself seems odd.

So, what have I been spending my time on? Mostly domestic stuff. I tend to be a slob, and housework is one of my most hated tasks. But I've been trying hard to work on that. Part of why I hate it so much is that it is ALWAYS there, hanging over my head as something I haven't done, and is too big to deal with right now. So I'm trying to change my view of it. I'm working really hard at doing a little bit of it often, and eventually I'll get on top of it. Also things like cleaning AS I cook, etc. My house is gradually getting cleaner and more organized. I still have a long way to go, but at least I'm on my way.

I've also been doing a bit of cooking. Trying new recipes. Being newly vegetarian has forced Brian and I to try a lot of different recipes we've never had before. I'm also working on cutting as much dairy out of my diet as possible. I'm not going vegan, as I'm still eating eggs and honey. And I'm not even quitting dairy, just cutting out as much of it as I can, wherever I can. If we go out for dinner, it's practically impossible to be vegetarian AND dairy-free. So for now it's just when I'm at home, and on the rare occaision when I can find dairy-free options in restaurants.

I'm hoping the lack of dairy will help with my chronic skin problems. I've read a lot that seems to indicate that it should.

I've been excercising a lot too - taking classes at the Y. My favorite classes are the Stability ball and BOSU classes.

Spring is here as well, which also takes my focus outside. Working in the yard, going out with friends. Rarely do I want to sit inside at my computer when it's so beautiful and newly warm outside.

I do hope to get excited about my camera again, and get back to creating some beauty I want to share.

Registered

Green Reflectome, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Okay, I've done it. I've registered for Intro to Photoshop at ACAD. It doesn't start until May, but that's okay. It's coming, and it'll happen. And it'll be good for me.

Sometimes I have a tendency to get involved in TOO much - over-commit myself. Then at some point I freak-out, realizing I just can't stay on top of it all, and quit everything I can.

I would like to take some artsy night classes - have been thinking about it for YEARS. But I am afraid of it being "too much" and quitting. I hate quitting.

Most of the ACAD night classes are twice a week, and that's daunting to someone with my history. So I decided on the photoshop class because it's only once a week, on wednesday nights. Not too intimidating, only 6 weeks long. I'm sure I can do that. And it'll tell me if I can handle a two-nights-per-week class. Yup, yup.

Not feeling ultra-bloggy today. Not really feeling ultra-anything today. Not into my work, or my lunch, or my usual routines. Dunno. Looking forward to the weekend. We'll see what comes next.

Art Classes?

Busy Hands, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

So, I think I am going to take a night class at ACAD in May. I have felt this need lately to pay more attention to my art again. Work on it, go somewhere with it, but I don't really remember how. I can sit down with my paints or my pencils and create the same things I've created over and over again since I was 16, but nothing new or inspiring. Not the images I dream up and WANT to create. My possibilities are these:

On Wednesdays Nights:
Intro to Photoshop
Digital Darkroom

Monday and Wednesday Nights:
Intro to Drawing
Figure Drawing
Intro to Oil Painting
Intro to Watercolour

Tuesday and Thursday Nights:
Anatomy Study
Intro to Acrylic Painting

I think the two Wednesday night classes seem similar to one-another, and they are not related to the painting-or-drawing that I want to get back into, but I do feel they could help me out with my photos. Post-processing is not my forte, and perhaps it would help me get out of my photo-rut, and feel inspired there again.

Of the others, I've just really chosen all the beginner drawing and painting classes. Though I've drawn and painted for most of my life, I have not really taken many formal art classes. Some in highschool, one in university, but it's been so long, I don't think it would hurt me to start back at square one. ya know?

There were other classes that appealed to me too, like Jewellery Design, Fiction Writing, Sculpture, and Fabric. But I feel I should get "back to basics" before venturing further into other mediums.

Hrm... Decisions, decisions...

Close Call

Week 19, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

This morning, on our way to work, Brian and I were very nearly involved in a head-on collision.

We were turning left from northbound Dartmouth Rd (bottom of highfield road), to westbound 25 Ave SE. Our light was green.

Suddenly, as we turned into the intersection, a blue/green pick-up truck (going very fast) came straight at us (travelling East in the westbound lanes). Brian managed to slam-on the brakes in time, and the truck had room to careen past us. If we were a second or two sooner, or if the truck was a second or two later, we would have hit head-on.

The pieces started to fall into place as we saw that this truck was being followed by a police cruiser with lights flashing. The cruiser proceeded more cautiously through the intersection, and a moment or two later, another followed.

Once we were able to discern what was obviously going on (Car chase. Never actually been witness to one before.), we proceeded slowly around the corner - only to see someone lying face down in the middle of the road (in the eastbound lanes), with another police cruiser parked nearby.

My first thought was that the truck must have hit that person - Must be a hit 'n' run. But then realized that the person lying face-down in the road was being handcuffed.

I can only imagine what the whole story is - I find that when I witness police in action, I can rarely ever find any details in the news or anywhere else.

It was a very sobering experience, though. We were SO close to a really horrible accident. It is a terrifying thing to realize.

In other news, there were firetrucks on my street last night. Lights flashing, but no sirens. The second one left pretty quick, but the first one stayed a while. Must have been a medical emergency - I hope whoever needed help is doing okay.

Aug. Now I have a giant lump in my throat. I'm going to get back to work now and think about some nice, non-emotional numbers and spreadsheets. Mmmmm, pipeline specs...

Duality

Week 18, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I know I'm not the only one who feels like they are two different people at times. Work-Me and Home-Me.

Work-Me is an acheiver. Organized, proffesional, driven. I am the one who took an imossible project and moved it further in 2 months than in the previous 2 years. Took a flailing position and made it invaluable. Came to the job with next to no knowledge or experience in the area, and quickly became the go-to-girl in my area. The one with the answers. Making things happen faster, more efficiently, more accurately. Forms, words, numbers. Regulations. These are my domain. At work.

Home-Me is an artist. Scatter-brained, creative, dreamy. The one who drew a star map on her apartment bedroom wall, complete with moving planets, in their actual current positions. Who likes to dress up in costumes and take pictures and read about far-away places and long-ago queens. Beauty, Nick-Nacks. Blue, crystals, kitty-cats, books, wings, tutus. These are who I am. At home.

When someone asks me what I do, I always start with "um". It's not that I don't know. It's not that I'm ashamed. I just don't feel like it has anything to do with who I am.

Who are you? A nurse? A lawyer? A mom? An engineer? A consultant? A writer?

Who am I? I don't know. I can't answer that with "A pipeline regulations tech". That's not who or what I am. It's what I do for most of my life. But it's not ME.

I understand that most of the world isn't doing what they always dreamed of. There would be a lot more rockstars and astronauts and spa-testers if that were the case.

You have to find the right balance, between doing something you enjoy and paying the bills, right? How do you know if you've got the right balance?

My job pays the bills. I know that. I know I wouldn't make this money anywhere else, doing anything else, with my level of formal education and experience. Period.

And I don't mind my job. In fact, I like it. Often very much. But love? Passion? How many people really feel those things towards what they do every day?

I work with great people. I have great respect for my co-workers and employers. I am proud to work for the company I do. But is it passionate and energetic? I'm not so sure.

I get passionate about people, beauty, ideas. Books, art.

I have been struggling with this for a week or two, now. I am usually pretty good at putting the silly ideas out of my head. No, I can't be an artist. I can't own a bookstore coffee shop. I can't design jewelery. I can't be an author. These things are not practical. I know nothing about running a business. I've never written anything long enough to be a book. Is it all a matter of "the grass is greener"?

*sigh* I probably won't ever know, until I'm 88 years old, in my rocking chair - thinking back on everything. Then I'll know if I did it right, or if I could have/should have...

Whooooo... R... U...?

Bluish, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Ever since I was a little kid, I've had people tell me I'm old for my age. As a kid a got along better with adults than other kids, and in my 'adult' life, my closest friends tend to be 5-10 years older than me. I have been praised for my "mature" decisions, my smart, practical, choices.

I was so eager to grow up, to be in the same place as all my favorite people were. Career. House. Responsibilities. I've been working for the same company since I was 20, and bought my house at 23.

It seems, on the surface, that I'm reasonably good at deciding what I want, working hard, and reaching my goals.

So why, then, does it seem that I've gone wrong somewhere? I understand that in terms of finances and security I've done well for myself. I understand that it's rare for someone my age to be well into my mortgage. I understand that I make good money for someone with my lack of a post-secondary education. I understand that from the outside, it looks like I must have everything I could want.

But what about creativity? What about self-expression? What about beauty? What about art? These are things that I can be passionate about. These are things that I can feel beneath the surface of my skin. But that's just it... I keep them hidden, because from 8-5, I'm practical and mature and an expert on oil and gas pipeline regulations. Not an artist. Not creative or expressive or talented.

When I was growing up, I always wanted to be a teacher. For so many reasons. The creativity it would require. The joy and the challenge of helping kids grow and learn and develop into intelligent, free-thinking adults. The idea that the most important part of anyone's life is arguably their school-years, and the idea that I could help and encourage them along the rough patches, and watch them excell through the smooth ones. I had (and still do) such an intense respect for teachers. Knowing what a HUGE difference some of them made in my life, and wishing I could "pay it forward".

The union idea always bothered me. The fact that the good teachers don't get rewarded, and the bad ones don't get penalized. I've always known that the world would be a better place if good teachers were rewarded and bad ones fired. Bring in some competition. Some motivation, after the sparkle of "helping the kids" wears off. For many years, my plan of teaching included working my way up to a place of power within the union, in order to dissmantle it from the inside. Ha.

But when the time came, it didn't work for me. A wide variety of choices and circumstances landed me out of University by the end of my first year, working temporary office jobs, trying to make enough money not only to live on, but to pay off some credit card debt and save-up enough to get back to school.

By the time my finances managed to work themselves out, the company I was working for convinced me to stay on permanently. It offered me safety, stability, the security I craved since my mother's accidental death in 2003.

Of course I thought about "the dream I left behind", but always managed to explain it away. I'm too old to start 7 years of school all over again. I would come out of school making about what I already make at my current job. What if I changed my mind, and then realized I didn't like teaching afterall? I can't afford to buy a house AND go back to school, it's one or the other.

I put these blinders on. I told myself the ONLY logical solution was to pretend I had no other options.

And that's how I tend to live my life. I stay content with things because I pretend it's the only way my life could have turned out.

But every once in a while, I realize that's just not true. I get angry at myself for lying to myself, and my imagination starts running wild at what other options I've had and still do have, and what if I were brave enough to change course?

I could go on and on about this. I shouldn't. I won't.

I have ideas for a branch off this blog. But I do a lot more imagining than doing, so I can't say it'll ever actually become a reality...

Enough rambling on for now, I suppose...

Health Quest

Pax, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I mentioned in my last post that I am attempting to make my health a very serious priority. This is not an attempt to lose weight, but it is an attempt not to gain weight. Unless it's muscle-weight, which is fine.

Part of this is dietary. No meat at the moment, which was meant to force me into "high fibre, low fat". However, I seem to be replacing meat with dairy. Too much of it. Which is not much better for me. So now I am also focusing on cutting down on the dairy. I want vegetables, grains, fruits to be the focus of what I eat... I'm working on it day by day, some days are better than others.

The other part of this quest is activity. I've rarely been as active as I should be, with a few exceptions.

In '98 and '99, I had a summer job which had me on my bicycle 40 hours a week. Needless to say, that whipped me into shape fairly quickly. But my activity always dropped back to very-low as soon as school started again.

In January of 2003, I took up yoga and loved it. I started with 2 classes a week, but a few months later I was up to 5-6 classes a week. I believe that was the best shape I've ever been in. But in late August, my mother died and I quit yoga. I gained about 40 pounds in 6-9 months, and kept it for a couple years. Once every month or two I could convince myself to go for a jog or something, but I never stuck with any sort of routine. Apart from walking a few blocks to and from the bus stop every day, I pretty much just sat and did nothing.

In summer/fall 2006 I lost about 30-40 lbs without meaning to, and without even realizing it. I was not being any more active, I was just eating less. To the point where my friends became worried and had to point out to me that I wasn't getting enough calories in a day. It sounds strange to say, but I really hadn't known it until they said it out loud. And then it was SO obvious to me. I was eating practically nothing - I constantly felt sick and dizzy, and my clothes were all too big, but everything else in my life kept me from paying attention to it.

So then I was on a mission to make myself eat more. For a while I tried to make myself eat as much as I could in a day, just to get my daily recommended calories. But then, all of a sudden, I realized I was eating too much again. My portions were too big. I was gaining too much weight back.

So for the past year or so, I have been working on eating the right amount of the right foods. But it's not all about food. So I've been working on being more active as well. In the past year, I've worked out on average 1.6 times per week. This includes either 20-30 minutes of cardio plus stretching and strength training at the gym, a yoga class, or a full day of hiking or snowboarding. I have been tracking these things since February '07.

In November I noticed that my activity level was dwindling rapidly, so again I tried to ramp-it-up again. At this point I also started tracking my exact activity, and weight. Again, I'm not trying to lose weight. But the more I can track, the more motivated I tend to feel. In the past 4 months, I've worked out on average 2.4 times per week. This is pretty good, considering I was on Christmas vacation for 2 weeks in there (and did nothing during that time), plus a very lazy week in Mexico in January. If we take those 3 weeks out of the calculation, it's 3.1 times per week on average. Again - Not bad.

However, I've not been feeling any different. My body doesn't seem to notice the change in activity level. In the past, that type of change would have been SO apparent, in every other aspect of my life - but at the moment I still just feel like I'm not doing enough somehow. My weight has bounced around within a 5 pound range since September - up and down and up and down. Perhaps the fact that it's always the same TYPE of activity is to blame?

So Brian and I are planning to start taking yoga classes again in March, Monday and Thursday nights. I remember noticing a HUGE difference in my body with yoga in the past, so perhaps it'll give me the motivation I need to keep on this quest.

Also, my friend Heather has convinced me to give belly dancing a try. According to her it is an INCREDIBLE core workout, and it sounds fun besides. I'm waiting to see if I can start late in a class that began last week, but all signs point to yes.

So - Continuing to go to the gym on my lunchhours, plus yoga on Monday and Thursday nights, plus a bellydancing class on Tuesdays or Wednesdays - If this doesn't help me to get and stay in shape, I don't know what will.

And now, it is time to act on all this rambling, and go to the gym.

Silence

First Star I See Tonight, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I have been quiet here. Not quiet all around, but here - on this front. I have thought about closing this blog, thinking "I have other interests, other priorities, I don't want a blog". But then I think about the things it COULD be, if only I really wanted it to be...

Nonsense? Usually.

I think about turning it back into a dedicated dream blog. Sometimes I want it to be a journal. Sometimes I want to force myself back into fictional writing, and perhaps this would give me a place to do that... I don't know... For now, some really brief updates on the past year or so...

Brian and Spaces (his kitty) live with me now. We are working on home renovations when we can find moments to do it.

I am focusing my creative energy on photography, although I feel I'm at a wall in a sense - I want to do more with it, but feel like I don't have the knowledge required to take it much further... I am working on the "52 Weeks" project - a self portrait every week for a year. The photo posted here was from the same photoshoot as my "Week 15" shot. It's an interesting project sometimes.

Work is work. Always busy, stressful, but rewarding in the end.

Brian and I went on little mini weekend-trips every month last year until August. In August we went to Burningman. It was a pretty awesome trip. We rented a truck and camper, and lived in it for 2 weeks on our way to and from Burningman. Brian had never been, and it was exciting to introduce him to Black Rock City.

We won't be attending Burningman this year. The theme this year is "The American Dream", which pisses me off more than I care to get into right now... Perhaps a rant for another day.

But even if it weren't for the theme, I don't know if I need to go back. This year was my third. It was still the amazing, surreal, unimaginable place it's always been, but I also would really like to do some other travel. I want to see other places and meet other people and experience other things that I never have before. And when I only have 2-3 weeks per year to travel, I can pretty much only do one "big" trip a year.

This fall was full of everything. Too busy for anything. Brian gave up his apartment in October, and "officially" moved in.

We've both been trying to focus on our health - better eating habits, more excercise. I've been going to the gym on most of my lunch hours. 4 times a week, on average I'd say. I'm hoping to add some yoga back into the mix again - Brian and I are going to take a class together on Monday and Thursday nights starting in March.

I went to Mexico in January with my sisters, my aunt, and her best friend. It was an amazing experience as well - having never been anywhere outside of Canada and the U.S. Mexico was so incredible, and I want to go back with Brian and my camera.

Brian and I are not eating meat until the end of February (Brian started January 1, I started when I got back from Mexico, on January 12). We are trying it out to see if we feel any differently, health-wise. I think Brian has noticed more of an effect than I have - He's lost 17 pounds. I still feel tired as usual, but I think that's just something I'll always have to deal with. This diet has forced me to eat more vegetables, which is awesome. Plus it's got me trying out a lot of new recipes. We are undecided whether or not we'll go back to meat at the end of it - Currently we're thinking maybe just seafood - we miss sushi. If I do start eating fish again, though, I'll make a point to only eat sustainable ones.

We've been making a big effort to be more "green" in general. We're composting everything we can, and have installed a programmable thermostat in my house - and just got a more energy-efficient refrigerator... Babysteps.

Okay, having been out of the blogging world for quite some time, I don't have much energy for it... But thought I'd give it a shot and see how it feels...