Time to Make Decisions

So, I've decided to sign up for a drawing class at ACAD. It runs from January to April, every Saturday morning.

I have always wanted to go to art school - my whole life. But it was never the practical choice. I remember my mother telling me at a very early age, that I couldn't be an artist, because artists are poor and unhappy.

I thought for most of my life that I'd be a teacher, but my life went in a different direction, and I wound up working in an office. I've worked for the same company for 7 years. I'm a pipeline risk assessment technician.

They tell me I'm good. But I don't feel like it. It doesn't feel like me. It doesn't interest me. I go to work because I have bills to pay. I do my best at work, because my name is on it, and that's the way I am. I don't care about it, but I still can't produce crap. Y'know?

So, I have been tossing around the idea of "is it time for a change?" but I keep coming back to - I'd be stupid to leave. I have no education and no experience in any other line of work. So I arrived at "what about going back to school?" But if I go back to school, there's the question of what to take. There's stuff I'd love to take, and there's stuff that's practical, but none of them overlap. And if I turn my life upside-down to go in a completely different direction, I don't want to wind up in something else that I have no passion for, right?

So then I end up at "screw practical, that's what got me here in the first place"... I've been looking up art schools. ACAD in Calgary, and Emily Carr in Vancouver. I was at a digital photography expo last weekend, and ACAD had a booth set-up. I was able to ask some questions. Anything I take at ACAD is transferable to Emily Carr (in case we wind up moving to Vancouver). Which was one of my concerns. It looks like to get into the credit classes, I need to submit a portfolio.

So I thought that was it, I'd come home, gather up some of my artwork, take it in to ACAD, and start taking some evening/weekend classes, to decide later if I actually want to go somewhere with it.

But then I got home and realized I don't have even part of a portfolio. I was told to make sure it wasn't all photos. My drawings and paintings are all old and in terrible condition. Worn/bent corners, folds, wrinkles. This stuff has moved around with me from home to home protected by pieces of cardboard, wrapped in garbage bags.

So... I was like "well, I'll just sit down and whip up some stuff"... Turns out if you don't use it, you lose it. And I do still sketch and/or paint a few times a year, but with no actual art classes in almost ten years, and even those extremely basic... There is a lot of technique I could stand to learn.

I know I have the creativity, the imagination, the desire to create - but I just don't neccessarily have the theory/technique to back it. Nothing a little school can't fix, right?

So, I'm taking a credit-free Drawing class on Saturdays, from January to April. I don't really know what direction this'll take me in, but it's a direction I've been curious about my entire life - but have never been brave enough to try it.

Aaaaalright, as I excited as I am to finally have made a decision on all this, I need to get some sleep. B's already in bed and not-so-patiently awaiting me. So off I go... Wish me luck.

Dreams

An Octopuss' Garden in the Shade, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Both B and I have been sleeping terribly for about a week. His cat is peeing on us, my cats are loud (meowing and chasing things around the floor), and when they're not being problems, our minds won't calm down. Mentally we can't rest, and physically we can't get comfortable enough to rest. I don't know what's up. Generally I think if I can't sleep I'm not being active enough in my day, but I've 'upped' my physical activity this week, and still no sleep to be had. On top of all this, I've had a return to my extremely vivid, active dreams. I wasn't remembering details earlier in the week, but the past couple of nights I have...

The night before last...
The first thing I remember was like 4 visual snapshots, or stills. First, I looked out the window, and saw a guy I don't know in my front yard. Second snapshot, he made eye contact with me and I alerted Brian. Third, he was trying to get in through the window, and fourth - he was in. He owned a Westy, and wanted to chat with Brian about it. Brian was excited, as he always is with other westy owners. He wanted to go for a ride, and I didn't trust the guy but couldn't tell Brian 'no'. I told him to be careful and be back soon. He said he wouldn't be back for weeks, because it was a boat and they were going far out to sea. The Atlantic sea, even. I was afraid for him, but he had his mind set on it. I dreamed of extremely stormy seas, and I was so afraid he would not come home. I also saw a map of the East coast of Canada from above, and was surprised to see that the land was formed in almost 'shelves', running south to north. Each section of sea, between the strip of rocky land, was for a different country. If you're from Russia, you come to Canada here. If you're from Germany, you come in here. Hard to explain, kinda.

In another section of my dream, we were dining with our friends R&K. An engagement ring arrived for one of us, but we weren't sure who it was from, or for. (In real life, R&K are engaged, but I don't think they were in my dream) Later R pulled me aside and asked how I would respond if B proposed to me, and I said I'd accept, but I doubted he would. R pointed out that just because B says he'll do something doesn't mean he will, and reminded me he's still legally married. I was like 'yeah, I know' and realized we probably won't ever get married.

Later the same night, I dreamed I went to Vancouver to visit our friend K (who lives here in Calgary in actuality). She lived upstairs from the store "Anthropologie", and I was excited to go there, too. Her apartment building was greenish grey, and there was something familiar about it. I can't remember many other details about this section, but it was good, and comfortable. It might have been a "I want to move to Vancouver" dream.

Last night...
A baby girl and water. As usual when I dream of babies, she wasn't mine biologically, but she was in my care. I was some sort of guardian. At first I was raising her in the forest, teaching her to swim and collect rain water, and something about writing in a book...

Later I dreamed that I was in the basement of this beautiful mansion-like place, where my friends (J&M or D&S - both couples who are already married in real life) were getting married. I woke up late, and my room was attached to a bathroom with a huge jacuzzi in it. In fact, the whole place was a maze of interconnected bedrooms and bathrooms with huge jacuzzis. I was really concerned that I was going to be late for the wedding, so I ran to the next room and drew a bath, and then someone else ran in and said they needed to use this bathroom first, and could I please wait. So I asked them to knock on my door when they were done. They didn't, and when I went back to check, there was someone else in my bathroom. Meanwhile, my getting-married friends were in my bedroom eating a buffet breakfast, and worrying out-loud about my not being ready for the wedding yet. I sat down to eat some french toast, and he (the groom) offered me some yogurt. When I declined, he rolled his eyes, as-if to say "of course you wouldn't chose the healthier option". I found another room, but it had a larger jacuzzi, more like a hot tub - with 10 or 20 people in it. I went back to the other bathroom and there was a baby girl floating in the water, kinda squirming. I jumped in the water in my clothes, and pulled her out and performed CPR. She didn't cry, but she was breathing. I held her and rubbed her back and felt like I would never let go of her. In this portion of the dream, she was a 'stranger' until I saved her. I went back into the other room with the bigger hot tub, and one of the women screamed at me for 'stealing' her baby. I screamed back that I had just saved her from drowning, but she didn't believe me. A screaming fight ensued, she claimed she left her baby far from the water. I was horrified that a mother could be so careless. I didn't want to give her back her baby. I was holding it so tight and there was something about the way it felt, I can't explain.

Brian woke me up somewhere around here, and when I woke up I found I was cradling my boobs like a baby. Ha!

... So... I am not sure of the reasoning behind sharing my dreams, except to get them out of my head. Sometimes they follow me around, 'haunting' me all day, so perhaps this is an attempt to leave them behind and be awake today.