Venting...

So, I will preface this with a bit of a caveat. I know that, in the big picture, I have nothing to complain about. I know I have a good job and live in a safe, warm, place, and I am relatively healthy and all the rest. I know this, and realize that I am better off than millions, likely billions of people.



We all know this, we are all in the top 10% of lucky people. But this does not stop us from worrying and stressing-out and being frustrated with our lives sometimes.



In the fall, I find it a very cozy season, where I want to draw into myself, and focus on making my home and self happy and healthy. But this season, it seems, I am not to have that chance yet.



I have friends I've been neglecting. Not on purpose - but just by the way life happens. One of my very best friends I haven't seen since April. Her little boy is growing up so fast, and I swore I'd be right there watching every step of the way, and I haven't. I live on the opposite side of a gigantic city, and somehow something always comes up. On my end or theirs, and I'm missing them so so much. Even friends closer to me geographically, say 'hey, let's make plans'... I say 'yeah, for sure let's do that..." But then nothing happens. And I feel like I'm letting them down. And it's not that I don't want to see them, I REALLY do. And always feel better after seeing them. But in the immediate here-and-now all I want to do is hide from the things that are worrying me.



I have Grandparents on both sides who are sick and frail and not quite here and not quite gone. My maternal Grandmother doesn't recognize us granddaughters, and I don't know what to say or how to feel about it, except sad. And so, I usually have something else I'd rather do than to visit, as much as I feel so evil saying it. My paternal Grandmother recently was placed in a 'care facility' because she stopped recognizing her husband of 70 years. She is not being told the truth about where she is, or where her husband is, because the doctors don't think she can handle the fact that she won't be going home, and won't live with my grandfather anymore. And then there's my grandfather - who is physically and mentally remarkably healthy, but so so heart-sick, because of his wife's mental and physical sickness, and feels that it is HIS JOB ALONE to care for her and provide all the help she needs. It's been that way for 70 years, how can he do anything different now? They are living about 30 minutes away from eachother right now, and he hasn't driven more than 10 minutes for years, so can only visit her a few times a week, when other relatives drive him over there. We hope so dearly that he will pick up some of his old hobbies and interests again now that she won't be his full time job anymore, but are so so worried that he will just be lost without her.



And, more selfishly, I am stressed out about work. I was in the field (Whitecourt) last week all week, and tomorrow I leave (Athabasca, Whitecourt, Swant Hills) for another four days. Then I get to be home for 2 weeks, and then have another solid week in/around Fairview. This sort of travel wears me out. It uses me up and runs me down. I'm not sure what it is that is so exhausting, but I always come home feeling like I haven't slept in days. Last week I got home on Thursday, and stayed home on Friday - and slept in until 12, making that 14 hours of sleep. That is not normal!!!



When I travel with Brian, it is exciting and it lifts me up. It makes me so happy with myself and my life, and has really transformative, even healing powers. Travel for fun can heal so much in me. But this business travel stuff... Just pulls me out of my environment, my patterns, my safe places. It forces me out and puts me in situations I am not familiar or comfortable with, and I just have to deal. When I am on these trips, I can't stop worrying about whether the projector bulb will burn out, or my company-loaner-laptop will die on me, or corrupt my files. Or what if a moose wanders across the highway in front of me and I land in the ditch? Or what if I don't know the edges of the monstrous truck I've rented, and side-swipe someone else? What if I'm not entirely safe out there on my own? What if someone has miscommunicated the schedule, and I show up a couple days early, or a couple hours late? What if my alarm doesn't go off? What if I can't find the field office and have no cell reception to call for better directions? What if ANYTHING goes wrong while I have no cell reception? What about the BIG things? Plane crash, car crash, anything...



I know these things can happen anywhere at anytime... But I feel so much more vulnerable to it when I'm out there by myself, in a place I don't know, and to some extent don't understand.



This is a part of my job, and I know that. I have always made sure my boss knows I can only handle a certain level of it. In the past, it's generally been a field trip of a few days, every 3 months or so. When it happens like that, it's short and I can just hold my breath and deal with it, and come out saying "that wasn't so bad". But when it's 3 out of 5 weeks in a row, it gets to me. I've often said that if it got that frequent, I would quit. But I know this is not permanent. It's just right now. And partly because I didn't do much travel earlier in the year, so it's just getting all stacked up now, while everyone's panicking that we're heading into Q4 and still have a long list of stuff to get done. And I'm pretty sure after Fairview in October, that will be it for the year... And I MAY not have to travel next year.



And this is yet one more bit of aggravation in my life... I don't really know how much detail I should have on here, regarding my job. So I will try to keep it minimal, and apologize if it is way too vague to get. But there is a certain 'process' that I run here. There's this one 'thing' I'm in charge of, and it's currently done in a spreadsheet form. Various spreadsheets - approximately 150. I have recently been informed that this 'process' is changing. They're going to a database of sorts. It'll be more automatic, but cover-off a lot more than our current process does. And this is honestly pretty-much all I know. My boss has told me two things:



1. Your work life will change drastically.

2. You'll still have a job... Honest.



So I've been told this new process will require very minimal human input, and that my job will be to oversee it. To me, this raises an eyebrow. Am I being replaced by a computer, or not? It makes sense for the process to go this way, and if that's the fact, then I just want to know about it. But they insist I won't be out of a job... without actually telling me what my job might consist of. Does this seem odd to anyone else? Could they be setting up to lay me off, without telling me ahead of time so I keep up the 'good work' in the mean-time? I mean, I don't think so... But there's this little voice at the back of my head...



And, I think that's all the whining that's fit to share... I don't mean to whine, I really don't. But sometimes it just builds up and up and I've gotta let it out somehow. This morning I've been having problems with some new rules about how we can and cannot move files around, and it's making everything that much more complicated and annoying, and I was either about to scream or throw something, and thought a little rant might get some of this worry and frustration off my chest.



I know it doesn't fix anything, and I know I still need to figure out how to be there for my family and friends and job all at the same time, with no energy whatsoever.



Although... I've finally got an appointment with an endocrinologist in late October. Endocrinology is the study of hormones, and of course my thyroid problems are hormone problems, and my own doctor has stuck me on pills and advised me to "just deal with it" for about 10 years now. My boss was the one who actually suggested I see a specialist. Maybe she will also tell me to just deal with it, and then I'll continue to do that as best I can - but at least she might be in a position to answer my questions which I've previously only been able to turn to the internet for. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but sometimes hypothyroid sufferers do find a new doctor who manages to find a fix that turns their whole lives around... I can't even imagine how awesome it would be if my metabolism suddenly started to work properly! Omg! Energy, what's that???



Haha. Okay, enough is enough. I actually have a LOT of work to get done here before heading north again tomorrow... So instead of procrastinating and whining, I'm going to go try to get it done now. Wish me luck!

Back Again... Hello.

Dark Veranda Room, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I've been away for a while, which was mostly not on purpose. Last I blogged here was in March. Of the things I mentioned there...

The job Brian applied for fell-through, but he's still looking around for work in Vancouver. Apparently his industry is a little saturated out there right now, but I know if it's meant to happen, it will.

On the other topic I spoke of... The changes to my family. My dad married Pam on August 7. It was a beautiful little wedding in their back yard. It was just them, the marriage commissioner, the 5 daughters, and 3 SOs (Adam - Liz's husband, Chris - Brianne's boyfriend, and of course Brian). At least 3 of us daughters bawled when Dad and Pam did their vows. It was such an amazing outpouring of emotion... Completely unbridled. They really are so in love - it's amazing to see, and I'm so so happy for them both.

It was also nice to get to know my new step sisters a little. Brian and I seem to have some stuff in common with Liz and Adam, and it's unfortunate they live so far away. We don't usually make it as far as Castlegar on our little Ziggy road trips, but perhaps we'll make an effort, now that we have a reason to. They spoke of an interest in purchasing some kind of camper van, which we whole-heartedly encouraged - perhaps we can meet halfway for some camping trips down the road.

Also exciting - Liz and Adam are expecting their first baby in February, so I'm gonna be a step-auntie! This excites me to no end. Not only for my own selfish child-adoring reasons, but also because my dad has been whining about wanting grand kids for a few years now, and although it wasn't me or Bri first, I'm happy that he'll get to finally be a grandpa. I've always thought he'll be a great one.

Being summer time, Brian and I are taking full advantage of the warm weather, and doing tons of traveling. We spent most of the month of June on the East Coast, and since getting back we've been out camping in Ziggy pretty-much every second weekend. We've also been photographing a few weddings (4 so-far this year). For full coverage of our wild 'n' crazy travels, as always... Check out our travel blog at www.twobsinablog.ca - we update that fairly regularly.

In late 2009, I gained a bunch of weight, due to various things. Partly health, partly bad food choices and laziness... So in 2010 I decided to try really hard to bring my weight back down to where it should be... I managed to come down about 10-15 pounds by June, then gained it all back on the East Coast. That's what happens when all you do is eat and drink. Ha! However, once I returned home, the weight did not go away again - infact I continued to gain. So I'm once again staring myself down, going - This is not okay. This needs to stop. I need to quit pampering myself, and work hard to get back into shape.

I've been totally bored by my workouts at the gym. I decided a couple weeks ago to start attending the lunch hour fitness classes they offer. As a member, it's free for me to drop in, they're different every day of the week, and advanced enough to keep regulars working hard... I attended a few of these classes a couple years ago, and they were so hard I was limping for days, and decided not to go back until I was totally back in shape. But I've now realized that's ridiculous. And if I just suck it up and force my way through them, it'll get me into that fitness level that I'm striving for.

I attended my first ever spin class (followed by a 20 minute core strength class), which was exhausting, but I'm excited to keep it up. This class happens on Fridays.

On Monday, they offer a class called 'Muscle Works' which is what it sounds like - a strength class, using weights and medicine balls. I did that on Monday, and my thighs, bum, and shoulders are insanely sore. Despite this, I still went and did a cardio workout on my own today. I considered the Tuesday class, which is a step aerobics class... But I'm really not an aerobics girl, and I figured the solitary cardio was better than nothing.

Tomorrow's class is called "On-The-Ball Training", which is a strength-focused class using stability balls, BOSU balls, and medicine balls. I love this class. I may or may not attend tomorrow, still being pretty sore from Monday.

I have a co-worker who is incredibly active (she plays sports and attends bootcamps, etc - every single day), and she tells me that the best way to deal with sore muscles is to keep using them. And I have been experiencing the fact that the more I move, the more they're okay, it's only after sitting still for a while, that it hurts to move. But a full-on class?

I will probably try, because she's a good motivator, and knowing she's rooting for me helps. And because I know tomorrow afternoon she'll track me down and ask how it went... I don't want to have to tell her I chickened out and went for the elliptical again. Ha.

Otherwise... Art... I've been extremely procrastinatey (it's a word now) on my photos lately... Multiple months of nothing... I think I've just been away from the cyber world. I've been taking photos, but not processing or posting. I'm working on them now, aiming at 5 per night... I have a lot to get through.

And last I posted here, I was in the midst of a drawing class at ACAD... I loved that class. It was so great for me, in so many ways. I'm thinking of taking another class in the fall. Possibly an intro to painting this time? I'd have to decide between acrylic, watercolor, and oil... I think you're supposed to start with one of the two formers... I have always used acrylics in the past... Maybe I should take all three? Or perhaps I should carry on with drawing... There's figure drawing, landscape drawing, perspective drawing, 3d drawing... Or in an entirely different vein, I could give sculpture or fabrics or jewellery making a try...

Or... I've also been thinking about creative writing classes, and even piano lessons. I have a piano. I played all throughout my childhood. I'd love to get back to it. I suppose all it would take is practice...

I've been reading a lot. I read the first two books in The Millenium Trilogy, which are not really in my usual genre - but I liked them. They are translated from Sweden, and I suppose would fit under the Thriller category? There are subtitled movies out for the books, but I want to read the third before watching the movies. The third book is out, but only in hardcover... I'm waiting for soft.

I also read Eat, Pray, Love. I figured it would be a nice, light, vacation read. I didn't expect to care about it all that much - but I absolutely loved it. The wisdom in this book floored me - I hope to come back to read this book again, I think a lot of people could learn so much from this book... It really touched me. Aaaaand made me want to travel. Even more than usual... However, there is also a movie out based on this book and I am TERRIFIED to see it. I mean, I want to... I'm curious... But I'm so scared that they've turned it into some stupid fluffy chick flick. Even one of the lines in a preview made a statement that was totally opposite to the point of the book... I dunno. We'll see...

Currently I am reading a strange little book called "Her Fearful Symmetry". It's about a couple of mirror twins (identical, but opposite - one of them literally has all her organs on the 'wrong' side) whos mysterious British aunt dies and leaves them everything in her will, as long as they live together in her Flat for one year (which borders on the famous Highgate Cemetery), and their parents are never to set foot in it. It's a love story, a ghost story, a story of family secrets and London history... Dark and funny and organic. I'm just over two thirds of the way through, and I'm fascinated to find out what happens, but I also don't want to finish it, because it's great. It was written by the author of The Time Traveller's Wife... Which I haven't read - but think it may be up next on my list.

Also possibly upcoming on my list of reading... I'd like to find a good biography (possibly historical novel, whatever) on Mata Hari. I read a few online articles about her story, and it sounds fascinating, and a little tragic. Right up my alley.

For now, it's late... I need to get to bed, rest my poor muscles and brain...

I am planning to try to keep this up more often... But we'll see. We all know how procrastinatey I am in general...

Feb. 21.

Purple Sea, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I was sick last week. Getting mostly over the cold by now. Still some coughing and a headache, but nothing serious. Back to work tomorrow. I am stressed out about work. Like, serious knot-in-stomach stressed. Don't really know why, can't really explain it. I think I'll be fine, but what I think and feel are usually two separate things.

My birthday is this week. My 'family' birthday dinner worries me, as usual. Something else I can't logically explain.

My dreams have been vivid, which makes me glad. I love when my dreams get vivid and detailed. When the spin is good, they're like little mini vacations.

Speaking of mini vacations, B and I drove out to Banff last weekend, and Canmore today. Our tiny escapes are important for our psyches, but they also mean we ignore our home. It's tough to find the balance sometimes, between work, home, and escape.

I'm loving my drawing class. I will definitely be taking more classes in the fall. But I'm struggling with whether or not I should apply as a 'real' part-time student. Should I be taking classes I can get credits for? I mean, it would take ten or twenty years to actually obtain a degree, one or two classes at a time. And I'm worried about it cutting down my options. Would I need to choose a 'direction' right away? If I stick with the 'credit free' classes, I can take whichever class tickles my fancy each semester. I'll never have any 'credits' to show for it, but do I need them? I'll love the journey, regardless.

I'm just excited to feel like an artist again. I want to feed that side of me. Honestly, I want to give it more than I can afford to. I know I need to stay practical. But again, logic has nothing to do with what I feel.

I was digging through some old photos from our trip to Europe, and found this one. I took it at Montorosso, Italy. There is something in the look on my face here, my eyes, my mouth, I don't know... Something struck me.

And now, although I'm avoiding it, because it means the weekend is over and the week is about to start... I need to go to bed. It's a quarter past eleven, and I've got a BIG week ahead of me...

Dreams & Stuff.

They've been about travel lately, and water. But that's not new. I'd say 95% of my dreams are about travel, and largely involve water. Some vivid scenes of late:

Somewhere tropical, perhaps Jamaica. Stormy and wet, but warm and exotic. Buildings - rooftops and towers. A feeling of exploration, and discovery. A specific scene that I think was related to this dream...

I find a bench along a coastline, much like my 'Brandi Bench' (I have a little wooden bench since I was a baby, that has colorful puzzle pieces in it, that spell my name.) - Only it wasn't my name on it. At first I thought it was my sister's bench, but it didn't spell her name either. I spent some time trying to read it, trying to work out the puzzle to read what it said. Eventually I realized that it was Cyrillic. In actuality, it was this bench that taught me to spell my name. I wonder if this dream was my brain reaching back to that time, so long ago? Seeing the letters, and trying to fit them together into a word?

Last night I dreamed I was in Australia. I found a little creature that needed rescue. It was a weird little creature. It was about the size (and shape) of a softball. It was really round, and not furry. Its surface was skin, and it had big eyes, and cute features. When I found it, it was really dehydrated, and I scooped it up to help it. I was near a zoo, and so went there to see if they would help. I spent a long time wandering around in the zoo, looking at the animals... Specifically I remember a kitten enclosure. Ha-ha. I know. But they were cute. And there was a snake building, but I refused to go in. I told someone that snakes were the reason I didn't want to go to Australia in the first place, and they offered to show me some friendly ones. I declined. One other thing that I really vividly remembered from this portion of the dream was an underwater exhibit. It was like a huge auditorium, with a massive (like 5 stories high) u-shaped window into an underwater seascape. Coral reefs, and brightly colored fish. I was completely mesmerized by this, and only agreed to leave when I was reminded I had a creature to save. The zoo told me they couldn't help, but sent me to a place that would help. We (some friends I was with, though no one I actually know) piled into a van, and drove to a little strip mall, with a costume shop in it. We had to dress in costumes before we went in, but discovered that they did, indeed have a animal rescue shelter in the back. The costume shop was a fundraising front. They bought the little dehydrated softball creature from me, and promised to nurse it back to health. Out front in the parking lot, there was a guy with a really old, mostly falling-apart van. It was bright green, and the doors were in the front of the van. Don't ask me how that works, but in my dream it made sense and was totally AWESOME. The inside of the van was all covered in different shades of green fun-fur. It was old, and had certainly seen better days, but was very much loved. I had a conversation with the van owner, and said something about having only been to Australia a couple times, but only on short little day-trips.

And then I woke up.

I dunno man. My dream world can be fun sometimes.

In other news...

I've had a wicked cold for a week, and have been home from work. I think I'll make it into the office tomorrow though.

I've been neglecting my self-portraits. I can't decide if I should force myself back into it, or just cut and run.

I lost my virginity 10 years ago yesterday. TMI? Whatever, it's my blog.

I was just contacted by a once-very-close-friend I haven't seen in like 10 years. No connection to the previous bit.

I turn 28 in a week. My little sister turns 26 on the same day.

And I... Have very little else to report at this time.

Goodnight.

New Year

2009 is over. I'm happy about that. I suppose if I wasn't I'd be living in the past.

2009 started out on an extremely dark note for me - But thankfully there was only one direction to go after that - and that was up. By early spring life was back to good.

Brian and I visited his mom in Vancouver in May and July - which I always enjoy. I don't know when we'll be back to Vancouver, but I'm craving it - I hope it's soon.

We did a lot of relatively local travel this year. Lots of road trips - Alberta, Saskatchewan, BC. We road tripped to Burning Man and back in August, in Ziggy - our '85 Volkswagon camper van.

I saw Toronto for the first time ever in July - we visited Sabrina & Jamie, Josh & Mel. It stormed the whole week we were there, but I loved it. So warm, so wet. I love the rain, I love being poured on. And being warm enough to stay in it. Ha. I spent a bunch of time shopping, and we visited Niagara Falls.

Three different friends of mine each gave birth to a boy in the spring. Rowan, Wesley, and Graham. I love that I've finally gotten to the point in my life that my friends are having babies. I can't wait to watch them, and all the other little kiddies in my world grow up into little people. :)

In the fall, my dad announced he's fallen in love. He's been single for 22 years, since he & my mom split up. It came as a shock, but I'm happy for him. I like his girlfriend - she seems good for him, and that's probably all that matters. It will be really interesting to see if my family will grow in 2010 in that way. Pam has 2 daughters in their early 30's - I may get step sisters.

In early December, I suffered a surprise-miscarriage. I didn't know I was pregnant, until I miscarried. I wouldn't have been far along - but it was still quite something to digest. It's a strange thing to experience.

2010 is a year I am really looking forward too. In a couple weeks, I start a drawing class at ACAD. This is something I've wanted to do for most of my life and I can't imagine why on Earth I never have. I am SO excited for this, I can't even complain. This year I hope to start putting together a portfolio of my work. Gotta be open to possibilities, right?

Also in the creative vein, I'm hoping to get back into self portraits. I haven't been doing any lately, but when I did I think I learned a lot from them. I don't really want to say much about them, because I don't know how to approach it yet, and don't want to jynx it.

In terms of travel, it seems it'll be a year of weddings. We're off to Jamaica at the end of January for the wedding of Shawn and Tanya. It'll be Brian's first tropical vacation and my second - one to remember for sure. In July we have a wedding in Kelowna, which we are likely to combine with a bit of BC road tripping. Just us & Ziggy & the highways & the hot springs! That's what it's aaaaaall about.

In early June we have a wedding to attend in Rexton, New Brunswick. I've never been further East than Toronto, so we're gonna take a good 2 weeks and travel around NB a little.

So, no laughing at this next one: We've been renovating our upstairs bathroom since March 2008. In late 2009, we got it up to the point of having all the drywall installed. Earlier today (Jan. 1) we started mudding & taping. We'll continue with that tomorrow... I'm feeling pretty motivated to get that over & done with. I feel like we're finally glimpsing the light at the end of the tunnel. We're also in the stages of planning paint and tiles... And that stuff's exciting.
:)

I have no idea what else this year will bring. In no particular order, I hope for: Travel, adventure, art, friendship, creativity, love, passion.

It's been a month since I've posted anything. Stuff's been a little crazy, as always.

In July we spent time in 4 seperate provinces. It was a constant whirlwind...

July 1-6 - West Kootenays road trip in BC
July 7-8 - In Calgary, working.
July 9-13 - Ghost Town hunting in Saskatchewan
July 14-16 - In Calgary, working.
July 17-19 - Vancouver for No Doubt concert
July 20-21 - In Calgary, working.
July 22-26 - Toronto
July 27-30 - In Edmonton, working (me only - Brian was home that week).
July 31 - In Calgary, working.

Upon coming home from Edmonton, I was informed I'd be heading back out to Grande Prairie two weeks later, and almost burst into tears. I managed to postpone my Grande Prairie trip until late September/early October.

We bought a 1985 Volkswagon Van in the first week of August. It's a perfect little thing for us, because we do love our little roadtrips so much. It'll be great to not have to worry about finding hotels or restaurants. The van boasts a sink, a stove, a fridge, and two double beds. We've named her Zeitgeist (basically translates to 'spirit of the time or age'), but it's Ziggy for short. She's dark brown, and gorgeous. There are a couple quick snapshots of her on Two Bs in a Blog. We haven't had a chance to take her camping yet, but we've done some driving around - out to Canmore with my dad for a hike and dinner a couple weekends ago. Burningman will be her maiden voyage, and what a voyage it will be!!!

One of my best friends in the world (Josh's Blog) got married last weekend. He and his new wife (Freshly Grated Nutmeg) live in Toronto, but they had their wedding here because the majority of their friends and family are here. They both grew up in Calgary - he moved east about 5(?) years ago to attend McGill, and then relocated to Toronto a couple years ago, where she joined him at that time. It was a beautiful wedding, and I'm so happy for them both. Makes me miss them, though - makes me want to go hang out in Toronto some more. :)

Emotionally, I've been a little up-and-down lately. Partly, the problem is that all this travel we're doing keeps whispering in my ear, telling me I need to do more... Everywhere I go, I want to stay. The further away from home I get, the happier I am. There's gotta be something unhealthy about that.

For the past couple of years I've been dreaming of moving to Vancouver, as I've mentioned here before. It seems unlikely at this point. At least not anytime in the forseeable future. And that does make me sad. I've lived in Calgary all my life, and really feel like it's time to see things from a different angle. But maybe there's more to my restlessness, I don't know.

Brian doesn't seem to be AGAINST relocating, but I think he doesn't really see a reason for it. He didn't grow up in Calgary, so this is already a relocation for him. This is already his 'move to the big city'.

If I were to leave Calgary, that would mean a change of career/industry, which is a little scary in itself, as ALL my experience and education is in this one industry which doesn't really exist in Vancouver.

And then more recently the thought of going back to school has crossed my mind yet again. Something like design. Which is amazing for me to say, because usually when I go down this line of thinking, I hit a big brick wall at "what would I take?" and honestly, something like design makes a lot of sense. It's artsy, it's something I would find fascinating, and it covers a LOT of categories, and would leave a lot of options open in terms of a direction to go in.

But then, of course, the realities hit:
- Can we afford it?
- Are we going to be starting a family in the next few years?
- Are we willing to give up the freedom for things like travel?
- Would it be stupid of me to walk away from my job and the company I've been with for seven years?

Ugh. It's been a tumultuous few weeks. I get hit with this every once in a while. This feeling of regret. If only I had a degree. If only I had a career that allowed for a little more creativity. If only I had changed direction sooner.

I know I've always made the decision that was 'best for me at the time'. And I know that's really all you can do, without knowing what the future will bring. But suddenly, looking back, there were several points where I wish I made a drastically different decision.

But then who knows where I'd be? I know, I know. Regret solves nothing. But sometimes it's hard to ignore.

The feelings of 'ick' have been coming and going for a couple weeks here. Mondays are especially rude and painful, but I just keep to myself and by Tuesday I feel more like a human being. I have even been going back to the gym more regularly than I had for a while. Being more active always has a positive effect on my psyche. It's true. It helps.

Most of the bad flew away on Wednesday of this week, however... I came to the realization that we leave for Burningman next Thursday. The 27th. By now, that's less than a week away. By this time next week, we'll be on the road! Somewhere in southern BC or northern Idaho, probably. Toodling down the road in Ziggy... Wishing each moment would never ever end.

I'm actually terrified about the inevitable 'let-down' that will hit upon returning home this fall. The reality that we'll be home battling the cold all winter long. Ugh. But at the moment, I'm putting those thoughts away, because those are horrible thoughts, and I don't want to deal with them.

The plan is to leave next Thursday morning, head west, and cross the border just south of Cranbrook. The most direct route is basically straight down through Idaho, cutting across the far SE corner of Oregon, and then into Nevada. We made the drive in two days in 2007 (even dealing with a flat tire at one point along the way), but we were driving until 2 or 3am, and then starting out again at 6 or 7am - and that's not the best (or safest) way of doing it. This year we hope to do little or no after-dark driving, and are giving ourselves twice the time to get there. We'll still be driving most of the time, but can probably afford to pull off and set up camp in the evenings and relax a bit at night.

We plan to arrive at Burningman on Monday morning. Our camp is called Midnight Poutine - There are 18 of us in total. I believe about 12 of them are from Montreal, 2 from Toronto, and 4 (including Brian and I) from Calgary. We will be serving poutine from midnight-2am, Monday to Friday. We're each signed up for a couple shifts. Should be very interesting. We actually got an amazing location - best I've ever had there - and are featured in What/Where/When. Meaning we will get TONS of traffic. We expect to serve 1500 poutines all-told. Holy crap. I've only ever had poutine once, and even once dated a guy who said he would dump me in a second if he heard I ever even tasted it (he was pretty sure the worst thing anyone could be was fat). I think it's probably perfect in the middle of the night, after some good partying. Haha, should be fun.

The Man burns on Saturday (Sept. 5 this year), and everything starts to wind down shortly thereafter. Many people leave on Sunday, most people leave on Monday. Brian and our buddy Kay and I will be hanging around until Tuesday, ensuring the camp gets all cleaned up and taken away. We'll miss the mass exodus, and leave the day after most people, which means less time sitting in a vehicle in a line-up, mostly.

We have about a week to meander back home... We're not sure yet where we're gonna go, which route we'll take. My vote is for the coast. I would really love to visit the ocean. I love that whole drive, and we could even go as far up as Vancouver, visit some friends and Brian's mom, before heading back east for home... We'll see. There are a million possibilities.

Ooookay, now I'm going to go do some stuff. I am planning to update here again before leaving, but any travel entries will (as always) be on our travel blog - Two Bs in a Blog.

Ciao for now!

St. Leon

St. Leon, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I just had to post this photo here. This is St. Leon hot springs. Brian and I spent an afternoon here on our West Kootenays Road Trip back in early July. I had a serious religious experience here. Skinny dipping in the middle of a forest in BC? Are you kidding me? Could I be any more of a hippie? But my GOD it was amazing. I can't even put it into words. I WAS one with nature. Haha...

In other news (though possibly in the same vein), Brian and I have found a 1985 Westfalia we're going to buy. It has a Subaru engine in it and an awesome stereo and speakers... The thing is amazing. We will explore EVERY nook and cranny within driving distance of Calgary! Ha! It has a sink, stove, fridge, heater, power outlet, and two double beds. Not to mention some serious style. We don't have pics of it yet, but the sale will be final sometime next week and then I'm sure you'll get more photos of it than you can handle!

Ugh.

I Don't Know Who, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I'm so beat. My last post was a couple weeks ago, about BC. since then we've come home, spent 3 days at work, then went in the other direction - to Saskatchewan. Spent 4 days driving around Southern Saskatchewan (approximately south of Moose Jaw), taking photos of ghost towns. I was back at work for a day, then felt entirely ill last night and today. Stayed home from work, resting, hoping to 'bounce back'.

This weekend, we're in Vancouver for a No Doubt concert. The weekend after that? Toronto. Get home from Toronto on Sunday, go to work Monday, then head to Edmonton for work on Monday night, not returning until Thursday night. OMG. After Toronto, we were planning on camping and whitewater rafting in celebration of Brian's 34th birthday.

We recently decided, however, that we need to play that camping trip by ear. We're both feeling exhausted and run-down, and we're only halfway through!

Anyway, I know this was a boring post, forgive me. Just thought I should post something. Here you go!

West Kootenays for the long weekend

I'm out of town again, this time with Brian. Just a little 5 day road trip in the West Kootenays. Head over to Two Bs in a Blog to follow along!

Done in Fairview

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So we flew into Grande Prairie on Monday morning, rented a truck, and drove north and then east to our Eaglesham office. Spent the day there with the foreman and operators, and then drove northeast to the Shaftsbury Ferry (which I talk about below - It's great) across the Peace River, and then west (and a little south) back to Fairview. We stayed in Fairview for 3 nights and worked out of the Fairview office on Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday morning we checked out of the Dunvegan motor in and drove south and eventually west all the way over to our Valhalla 8-30 office. Thursday evening we drove south, east, then south again back to Grande Prairie. We stayed here last night and worked out of the Grande Prairie office today. We fly out of Grande Prairie and back home to Calgary at around 4 this afternoon.

I've had some fun, I've learned a TON, but I'm soooo excited to be getting back home soon to see my Brian and my kitty-cats!!!

And... Please ignore the drunk-blogging below.

Green Collar Pink Lips

Okay, so yesterday we worked out of the Fairview office, but I took a quick jaunt down to Dunvegan Gardens, near the bridge - one of my coworkers had to run an errand. Thus, the addition to the map (below).

Today was a long and painful day. Over dinner, with the co-worker I'm up here with, I had a couple beers and then when we got back to the hotel afterwards he said he' buy me a Grand Marnier. So we proceeded to drink many of them. Somewhere in there some Karaoke started up. We looked at eachother and rolled our eyes, and planned to leave pretty quick. But this one guy (who sang a lot) then got up and said something about his song being for my co-worker (who had been semi-heckling the guy), due to his age. And he launched into it...

There's a port... on a western bay
And it serves.. a hundred ships a day
Lonely sailors... pass the time away
And talk about their homes

And I realized he was singing Brandy (you're a fine girl) and I starting laughing my ASS off. I leaned over to my co-worker and let him know what song this was and we both laughed until we cried.

And proceeded to stick around until midnight or so. It was just an awesome night. In between karaoke the waitress played great music, including Bob Dylan's "Rainy Day Women 12 & 23" which EVERYONE sang along to, and one really drunk (kinda scary-looking) welder from Edmonton got up front with the microphone and made up some of his own lyrics and did it again for Iron Man and I can't even BEGIN to say how awesomely funny it all was.

Some sexy french guy got up and sand New Orleans is Sinking, and in my humble opinion it was better than The Hip.

Ugh. Just a great night, really.

Tomorrow we're at the Valhalla office all day, and then we're staying in Grande Prairie for the night.

And I have to be up at 5:45, which is in like... 5 hours. I REALLY have to drink the rest of my water bottle and then sleep.

I love you all. And that's not JUST the Grand Marnier talking...

Fairview Field Trip

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7:20 am this morning, left Calgary by plane. Arrived in Grande Prairie at 8:30am. Rented a truck and drove to Eaglesham, arrived around 10 or 10:30. Did line-by-line reviews of our first two (of eight this week) pipeline systems. Left Eaglesham around 5pm. We drove NE, to cross The Peace River at the Shaftsbury Ferry. It was AWESOME. And so small, all I could think about were the giant Vancouver ferries. There was room for a maximum of 4 vehicles, and it was like a little tug boat attached to a couple of pontoons with a deck built on top. Just... Awesome. I took pictures, and will be posting some on Flickr at some point. From there, back west to Fairview - which is where our hotel is for our first few nights. We're staying in the Dunvegan Motor Inn, which is so ancient and so shifty it's hilarious. It scared me a bit the first time I stayed here, but you get used to it, and it's history gets almost charming. Ha.

Tomorrow I think we're working out of the Fairview office right here in town, so we don't have much driving to do. In fact, we might be here in town until Thursday, when we head back to Grande Prairie...

Okay, my alarm goes off in 6 hours and that is SO not enough sleep for me so... I'm going to sleep now.

Good night from Fairview.
:)

New Layout?

Been playing around with the layout of my blog, as you can see. Lemme know if you like it - I may still play around with it. I'd eventually like to make my own from scratch, but I don't know my stuff.

Leaving town for a week (for work) tomorrow morning. My plane leaves Calgary @ 7:20am on Monday, and I get back at ~5:45 pm on Friday. Life's busy, and gearing up to a fever-pitch.

We've got so much going on in the next month or two... It's insane. I'll try to keep updating this page, because a lot of stuff will be going on... But some of it will be under the category of twobsinablog.blogspot.com - Anytime Brian and I leave town together gets detailed there.

At the moment, I need to finish packing and head for bed... Got some long days coming up!

Quick Stop and Update?

I've been so bad at updating this lately, I apologize. Stuff's been crazy (as per usual - can I continue to consider it crazy if it's the norm? Hmmm.)

It looks like the last time I checked in was over a month ago - just before we left for Vancouver. We had an awesome trip, of course. I love the west coast so much. It's tough not to love life when I'm there. When Brian and I go away together we update our travel-blog, so I rarely post the details here as well. Who wants to type everything out twice? So if you are interested in our travels, check twobsinablog.blogspot.com

We've both been working a lot, which is something I know we can't complain about these days, so I won't. I've taken on a new role at work, which is exciting and scary. I'm not sure there's as much training as I'd like. I think I just have to learn it by doing it. And I'm fine at that - I've done it before with other jobs. I just worry, because there's more responsibility with this job than others, so consequences of not excelling at this are bigger than they've been in the past. Make sense? But yes, I know I'll do well because... I just will. So there.

Three friends of mine have had little baby boys recently: Rowan was born in late April, and Graham and Wesley were born in late May. I'm so so happy to report that after some initial worries (yes, for each of the three!) they are all home, healthy and happy! Rowan and Wesley are their mothers' first babies, and baby Graham has a big brother and sister (Kaden and Isabelle). It's so exciting to see these great little families starting and growing!

Unfortunately, on the other end of things, my Grandmother is still not doing well. She's been in the hospital for a couple of months now (as a result of a stroke), and she's still not very responsive. It's looking a bit doubtful that she will actually 'come back' very far. It's really sad for us all. We feel we should be with her, and visiting her often, but she sleeps 90% of the time, and if she's awake, she still doesn't really seem to know we're there. It's so heartbreaking, really. We're waiting for a permanent bed to open up for her somewhere. She's on a waiting list, and apparently it could take anywhere from weeks to years.

Back in our own tiny little lives, Tuesday was Brian's and My 2.5 year anniversary. Yes, I make us celebrate halves. Two nice dinners out a year isn't a huge demand, I don't think. And at least I'm not counting the months anymore. Though on the 9th of each month we'll still say "happy monthiversary" to eachother. Yes, we're dorks. But whatever works, right? Ha.

Brian's currently in Edmonton for work, and in a couple weeks I'll be in Dunvegan and Grande Prairie for my work. And then in July... July. July is insane.

The first weekend of July we're road tripping in BC - Ainsworth Hot Springs and such.
The following weekend is ghost town hunting in Saskatchewan.
The weekend after that, we are going to Vancouver for a No Doubt concert.
The next weekend after that is a secret, and I can't say anything because there are some certain people who may read my blog and I don't want to ruin any surprises...

And then August. The first weekend is the long one, and we're thinking of camping and white water rafting, although we also want to gather a group of people to come with us and we haven't even started planning out the logistics of that one.

And this year we're heading back to Burningman (end of August / beginning of September). Probably our last time until we're 65...

We're possibly about to buy a truck & camper, which is also exciting. That'll aid in many of our little bitty adventures (and burningman). :)

What else, what else?

Oh! Y'know the Bellydancing classes I've been trying to get into for YEARS? Well another one is starting up next week that I'll be attending. As long as 7 other people show up too, so the class can actually run this time... Cross your fingers for me, people!

Okay. Now, it's almost midnight and I need my beauty sleep. :) Thanks for reading along, folks!

West Coast Weekend

To follow along... twobsinablog.blogspot.com

The First Thursday in May

Brigit, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Hello All.

First, I want to start off by rambling on about dreams I had last night because my dreams were vivid, and have stuck with me.

The first part had to do with dive bars and shady people. Trying to fit into a group, but not quite succeeding... Possibly some fair grounds as well... I don't remember much of this first part, but somehow it morphed into...

I'm in a big old beautiful house. There are antiques everywhere, and strange little antique-like things - Chess boards built into tables, etc. Wooden inlaid floors, colors, stories... Then there is a woman. She reminds me of 'the aunt' from Twister. She is warm and loving and maternal - by the end I'm sure she WAS my mother. There was something about discovery of family history. I'm feeling fascinated and overwhelmed by her stories and explanations of what I descended from. Across the street from this house is a little blue cottage on the side of a mountain lake. It's like a little B&B that she runs, and I fawn over it and tell her how wonderful and beautiful it is. Behind the first house, is a great big snowy mountain, and there are wild horses running (and kinda swimming... I actually pointed out to someone - 'Oh look, I didn't know horses could swim in snow like that!') and at some point I hugged 'my mother' and her mother. We were in this 3-way embrace, hugging, and crying - but it was good. Tears of happiness. Makes me think of finally being reunited or finding the answer to a long-time question.

I woke up really tired this morning. Not neccessarily because of my dreams, but possibly partially due to that. I know there was more to my dreams - I feel like I lived an entire lifetime last night!

Of course part of me worries about the whole "hugging and crying and reuniting with my mother and her mother" thing... I mean, it was good but it makes me worry about my grandmother. She is still in the hospital after a stroke a few weeks ago, and she is not doing well. We're not sure she recognizes us, and in some ways we don't recognize her - does that make sense? Anywho, my dream makes me worry in some ways that she'll leave us soon - but then thinking along those lines - should I be afraid for my own life? I'm not, really. Any more so than usual.

Another possible source for that portion of my dream is that I spent some time with my aunt last weekend (my mom's sister), and it was the first time in a long time that we've had one-on-one time. I miss her a lot, and worry that I've hurt or offended her in recent years, but I can't think of what I might have done. I know I hybernate sometimes, so maybe I was afraid of the outside world at a time when she needed me to be a more visible part of the family? I really don't know. But seeing her last weekend was so nice. Definitely a step in the right direction. It was the first time in a long time I've felt a connection to my mom's family (and in some ways my mom) in a long time. And I don't even know if it's the maternal SIDE of my family I've been missing - my counsellor suggested it was WOMEN in my family. Because really, truly, the only blood-family member I remain close to and always have is my dad. Most of my family is female, but they seem far away, like I can't reach them. I've tried for years to reconnect with my little sister, but she closes the door on me again and again. So maybe my aunt is the best person to try to reconnect with, to feel like I have a family again.

These issues, of course, run deeper than this and are more complicated than this (of course - who doesn't have family issues?) but it's something that swirls around inside my brain, so maybe that was a part of where that dream came from... Being happy to feel like I have female family members I can reach out to?

I've been exhausted this week. Brian's in Regina for work, so my routines have been thrown off, which is always exhausting. Plus trouble sleeping, stresses here and there, etc... I've also not been healthy, but I'm sure it's my own fault. Our bodies just react to what we put into them, right? So somehow somethings gone out of whack, I'm sure. I'm trying to focus now and just going back to basics. Keep it simple, natural, KNOW what's in it. Right?

Brian got home last night, and tonight we leave for Vancouver. We'll be spending the mother's day weekend visiting his mother, who lives in White Rock. We're planning to spend a day on the island - which is great, I've never been there before. I LOVE going to places I've never been! Especially a place like this - everyone who's ever known me has warned me that if I ever go to the island, I'll never want to leave. Am I about to add another place to the list of "where I'd rather live than Calgary?"

My friend T and her new tiny baby R are still doing well. He might get to leave the hospital on Monday, which would be AWESOME because I can't wait to meet him!!! He was only born 2 weeks ago, and already I'm like "he's going to grow up and I'm going to miss it!!!" haha.

Aaaanywho, I have a lot of work to do (and my body just wants to sleep, more than anything!!!) but I thought I'd check in and say 'hey'.

Brian and I will likely be updating our little adventure blog here and there this weekend, so if you are interested, come follow along with us at twobsinablog.blogspot.com and otherwise, wish us safety and health in our travels, and I wish it to all of you!

Things That I'm Excited About.

I Want To Live In Vancouver., originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Recently, I had a very depressing moment, thinking I had nothing that I was looking forward to. And I know myself well enough to know that one of the things I need in order to be happy, is 'stuff to look forward to'. There has to be some bright point I'm aiming for, or else I get so bored and depressed because I can't see 'the point", and can't care about things, and it's just that slippery downward spiral. But really, truly, I do have a lot of things I'm looking forward to. And these are some of them:

- Spring! Summer! The weather is getting warmer, and that always helps the mental state. Brian and I went for a walk in fish creek last night, and it was AWESOME. I was acting silly and hyper, jumping and skipping, and babbling and joking and laughing, and I literally felt high on the fresh spring air. And I have months and months upcoming of warm weather, weather we can be OUTSIDE in, comfortably, without getting frost bite or wind burn, or any of those other icky winter things. :)

- On Saturday, I'm going to watch sheep shearing at a farm. That is awesome. I've never witnessed such a thing (I'm such a city girl sometimes), and can't wait. It'll afford some GREAT photo opportunities for sure. Apparently there will even be some baby sheep. Cute! And some wool spinners. And lots of mud. :) Just sounds fun, ya know?

- On May 5, Bif Naked's new album (The Promise) comes out, and I'm thrilled for that! I've loved Bif and her work since sitting in the art room in high school listening to 'Lucky' with my friend Melanie. We shared her earbuds, and listened to the one song on repeat. Since then, Bif music has always been a part of my personal soundtrack. So NEW stuff? Awesome. Also, Bif was diagnosed with breast cancer early last year, and she recorded this album during final stages of chemo, and she's just such a super-star and an inspiration. She lives so positively, and she has such an incredible strength, I LOVE so much of what she represents, and I wish there were more role models like her out there! So many people could learn from her (myself included of course)!

- On the mother's day weekend (which is always a sad time for me, obviously) Brian and I will be going to Vancouver (White Rock specifically) to visit his mom. This will be the first Mother's day in 5 years that I've celebrated and honored an actual mother. And I know she's not mine, but aren't all good mothers really everyone's mothers? Plus, I think she'll be thrilled to see us. I think Brian hasn't spent mother's day with his mom for a while. And, mothers aside, Vancouver is just awesome and any excuse to visit is A-OK with me!

- On May 15, my city will FINALLY start picking up curbside recycling in my area. OMG. This is SO long overdue it's ridiculous. I mean, I've only ever lived in this city, so I don't really have much to compare it to, but I hear we're rednecks and this whole recycyling thing is a LONG overdue step in the right direction. We got our "blue bin" this week, and we can finally start to get rid of the plastic that we've had building up for like a year, because we couldn't in good conscience throw it out, and had no facilities AVAILABLE to us.

- On May 16, I'm getting my hair done. I only am allowed 3 hair appointments a year (because they're expensive, and my hair's pretty healthy and doesn't need much), but I love my hairdresser, so it's always a fun day. and even though other people can't usually see a difference (long hair is long hair), I always can tell such a difference and it feels so great.

- On May 18, we get a new Tori Amos album - Not quite Bif, but pretty exciting anyway. :)

- On May 27, Brian and I have tickets to see Rick Mercer live at the Jack Singer. I have no idea what to expect, but we both love that man with a passion - he makes us laugh like no one else on TV does, and I think it'll be just a great night out.

- At some point in June, I have TWO very dear friends giving birth! I haven't seen Dy in years, but we were the best of friends once upon a time, and I still love her dearly. She's having a boy, and she's going to be an awesome mother! And Taryn is a co-worker and a best friend of many years (5-ish?) and we don't know if it'll be a boy or a girl, but either way it's sooooo exciting. I've been waiting for Taryn to have babies for YEARS! And she too is going to be such a wonderful mom! And I'm going to be an obsessive auntie. :) Plus a psychic told me that her baby and I are kindred spirits, and we will know and recognize eachother from the first moment we make eye contact. Yeeeaaaaay Taryn-Baby!!!

- On June 23rd Regina Spektor is releasing a new album (Far) and that has me really excited too. I only just recently discovered and fell in love with her music, but I'm already salivating for new stuff from her! Can't wait.

- On the second weekend in July Brian and I are going ghost-town exploring in Saskatchewan, with a group of other photographers from around the country. It's semi-'guided', but I think it'll be awesome - I think there's something like 13 ghost-towns on the schedule? Plus some light-painting technique at night, which'll be interesting too. AND within Canada, I've never been East of Medicine Hat, so I'm expanding my little travel-box too!!!

- On July 18th, we have tickets to the No Doubt concert in Vancouver! I am thrilled for this as well. Not only have I wanted to see No Doubt in concert for over 10 years, we're seeing it in Vancouver, just for the heck of it. What a great adventure!!! I've only been to concerts in Calgary, so it'll just be awesome.

- We have tickets to Burningman this year as well, which happens just before labor day. We are unsure as-to whether or not we'll use them though. We might find another deserving couple to give them to instead. There are a few factors going into this decision, and it seems really 50/50 right now. We'll see...

- And in a longer-term sense, we've been giving a little more thought to relocating to Vancouver. This isn't a right-away thing, but possibly in the next year or two. We've hummed-and-hawed over it for well over a year now, but I feel fairly sure on my side that it is something I would like to do. It's a controversial decision, I know. And some people will not be happy with it, but hopefully most people will be supportive, and I believe we would be happy with it. But like I say, nothing's written in stone and nothing's even kinda planned yet. But in my mind, I'm working on the things I can start doing, to get us closer to that goal. For me I guess it's mostly focusing on the house, and getting it into peak condition, so when the time comes to sell it, we can get a good price on it... Don't worry, though. It won't be overnight.

*sigh*
I am a very lucky girl and I have an awesome life. I feel less 'free' than I once was, but in some ways I'm far more free now than I was. I have some knowledge/experience/maturity that I didn't have "back in the day", as well as a little more financial stability, and all-around bravery. Which counts for a lot.

Maybe it's spring talking, or Friday, or just a good mood for no reason - but hooray, hooray, how GREAT is life?

Another Belly Dancing Attempt...

Dancer in the Jar, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Last year I was convinced by a friend of mine to give belly dancing a try. It sounds like a fun way to inject an extra bit of activity into my life. I've taken dance classes in the past (jazz, ballroom, ballet) but let's face it - I'm not exactly shaped like a dancer. In the ballet class specifically, I felt like one of those hippo ballerinas. No good.

So belly dancing seemed like a good thing. I even found a friend (N) who was interested in taking it with me. So we showed up on time at the right place, but the class was canceled because they needed 6 people to run a class and only 4 of us showed up. We registered and paid anyway, and were told they'd keep us posted on the next class we could attend.

But then we didn't hear back. Of course, this was spring time, moving into summer - and most classes don't run during that time. Understandable. I didn't want to start a class in the fall, because of my trip to Europe (would have missed at least 3 of the 8 classes), and then it was coming up to Christmas, etc...

But early this year I found that a class was starting in March, and "N" was excited to get back into a class, and another friend of mine, "C" also was interested in joining. So we all three of us signed up.

I had to miss the first class due to an out-of-town conference for work that I couldn't miss, but I figured missing one out of the 8 would be okay.

The day before the second class, something bizarre happened between "C" and I, rendering us unable to be around each other anymore, so I called the dance school and apologized, promising I'd attend the next Intro class.

The next Intro to belly dancing class was to start tonight. Again I showed up at the right place, at the right time, as did 3 other people. This time they needed 8 to run a class - so we were 4 short.

Again we left our e-mail addresses on a list, and were promised we'd be kept in the loop on the next available class...

It's a little frustrating, because I'm already forcing myself to leave my cozy house on a Tuesday night. It's not easy for me to step outside my routine. I have an extremely poor track record with night classes, unless my job depends on them. But I'm older now, wiser perhaps.

I know I need to get out of my routine to get some color back in my life - and I'm trying!

I do really hope that I can eventually get into one of these classes. We got a very short little 30 minute 'demo' class tonight, and in that short time I used muscles I didn't know existed. I'm going to be sore tomorrow, and I love it.

*sigh* Cross your fingers for me, Wish me luck.

April

Playing..., originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I had a good weekend. Got to tag along on a fun photoshoot, went to the farmer's market, and bought a drawing tablet.

I've been wanting a drawing tablet for some time, hoping I can combine drawing with my photography - that's the idea, anyway. I don't have any sort of handle on photoshop to begin with, though - so the learning curve is steep. I have ideas, inspirations, but no knowledge on how to carry them out.

Not to mention energy. I'm feeling incredibly drained, for unknown reasons. I spend all day at work imagining all the beautiful things I'll create when I get home and then by the time I get home I just want to curl up in a little ball and sleep.

I'm having a lot of trouble lately knowing how to live, what to do. How do people decide what to do in their every day lives? We work most of the time, and we can't all have jobs that make our hearts flutter with passion... Can we?

I don't even know what I feel like I should do for a living. I have brainstorms, but they're all SO impractical. Where is that balance found? How do people do it?

I feel like the message lately is to be brave and step outside comfort in order to grow. But when I really think about it, it would be completely stupid of me to change what I do. Not without some reason, some catalyst. But then - could that be seen as me sitting around waiting for opportunity to knock?

How important is it that we let go of our securities in order to thrive? I feel like I've spent my entire adult life trying to be more and more secure in every way - and suddenly the universe is telling me it's all a waste, and I should be stupid and crazy like I wasn't when I was 21?

I don't want to be 21 again. I don't want to party all the time. There's so much about that time that I'm sooo happy to leave behind forever. But the freedom - There was a freedom I had access to, that I refused to take advantage of. I just wanted to be safe, and secure.

Now I spend so much of my life wondering where I would have been - WHO I would have been, if I'd made different choices. If I'd stayed in school and become a teacher. If I'd gone to art school, if I'd traveled on my own, if I'd run away to some place where I knew no one and worked in a little bookstore and lived in a teeny apartment above a cafe.

I know those people don't exist. There's no reason for them to exist. I didn't make those choices, I stayed safe. And there were perks to the choices I made. There were honest and logical reasons I made those decisions, and they were best at the time. And we can only really make decisions based on what we know right now.

So when do we know that it's time to turn everything upside down and try something NEW?

And when we do decide that, and work up the courage and the plan, and make these scary things happen in our lives, how do we know we're doing it for the right reasons? How do we know we're not just running away from things we should be facing?

And the truth, I know, is that we don't know. None of us knows what will or will not happen. We can't know. There's no such thing as black and white. But we have to be brave, and try.

But if I know this (and I'm pretty sure I do), how come all I ever want to do is hide? It's always my first choice. Avoid conflict, remove myself from it, hide. Put up my little walls, and wait for everything to just blow over. Deal with my own hurt and anger and sadness, and let everything external just sort itself out.

I do small things every day that I hope will point me in the right direction. I force myself to be brave about little things. I leave my mind as open and willing as possible, though I have to wonder if living the same days over and over again for years and years and years can even leave you with the option of being truly open-minded.

I've been falling asleep all day, craving my bed so badly. Now it's 11pm, and I suddenly feel wide awake. Isn't that the way it goes? What is it that is so screwed up about my body's clock, that it's always SO tired when it needs to be awake, and gets this burst of energy just as it should be winding down?

Anywho, in accordance with my endless attempt to train my body to behave like it should, I'm going to bed now. Nightmares are pretty-much the norm these days, so I'll wake up distant or worried or afraid, force strength on myself at some point before leaving the house, and face another day, like countless others I've already finished.

And I hope my next post is a little more cheery. Sometimes I piss myself off with the tone of these things, but once I start typing, I don't control it, it just emerges.

Weekend in Banff - March 2009

Love, originally uploaded by Brian U.

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