Back Again... Hello.

Dark Veranda Room, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I've been away for a while, which was mostly not on purpose. Last I blogged here was in March. Of the things I mentioned there...

The job Brian applied for fell-through, but he's still looking around for work in Vancouver. Apparently his industry is a little saturated out there right now, but I know if it's meant to happen, it will.

On the other topic I spoke of... The changes to my family. My dad married Pam on August 7. It was a beautiful little wedding in their back yard. It was just them, the marriage commissioner, the 5 daughters, and 3 SOs (Adam - Liz's husband, Chris - Brianne's boyfriend, and of course Brian). At least 3 of us daughters bawled when Dad and Pam did their vows. It was such an amazing outpouring of emotion... Completely unbridled. They really are so in love - it's amazing to see, and I'm so so happy for them both.

It was also nice to get to know my new step sisters a little. Brian and I seem to have some stuff in common with Liz and Adam, and it's unfortunate they live so far away. We don't usually make it as far as Castlegar on our little Ziggy road trips, but perhaps we'll make an effort, now that we have a reason to. They spoke of an interest in purchasing some kind of camper van, which we whole-heartedly encouraged - perhaps we can meet halfway for some camping trips down the road.

Also exciting - Liz and Adam are expecting their first baby in February, so I'm gonna be a step-auntie! This excites me to no end. Not only for my own selfish child-adoring reasons, but also because my dad has been whining about wanting grand kids for a few years now, and although it wasn't me or Bri first, I'm happy that he'll get to finally be a grandpa. I've always thought he'll be a great one.

Being summer time, Brian and I are taking full advantage of the warm weather, and doing tons of traveling. We spent most of the month of June on the East Coast, and since getting back we've been out camping in Ziggy pretty-much every second weekend. We've also been photographing a few weddings (4 so-far this year). For full coverage of our wild 'n' crazy travels, as always... Check out our travel blog at www.twobsinablog.ca - we update that fairly regularly.

In late 2009, I gained a bunch of weight, due to various things. Partly health, partly bad food choices and laziness... So in 2010 I decided to try really hard to bring my weight back down to where it should be... I managed to come down about 10-15 pounds by June, then gained it all back on the East Coast. That's what happens when all you do is eat and drink. Ha! However, once I returned home, the weight did not go away again - infact I continued to gain. So I'm once again staring myself down, going - This is not okay. This needs to stop. I need to quit pampering myself, and work hard to get back into shape.

I've been totally bored by my workouts at the gym. I decided a couple weeks ago to start attending the lunch hour fitness classes they offer. As a member, it's free for me to drop in, they're different every day of the week, and advanced enough to keep regulars working hard... I attended a few of these classes a couple years ago, and they were so hard I was limping for days, and decided not to go back until I was totally back in shape. But I've now realized that's ridiculous. And if I just suck it up and force my way through them, it'll get me into that fitness level that I'm striving for.

I attended my first ever spin class (followed by a 20 minute core strength class), which was exhausting, but I'm excited to keep it up. This class happens on Fridays.

On Monday, they offer a class called 'Muscle Works' which is what it sounds like - a strength class, using weights and medicine balls. I did that on Monday, and my thighs, bum, and shoulders are insanely sore. Despite this, I still went and did a cardio workout on my own today. I considered the Tuesday class, which is a step aerobics class... But I'm really not an aerobics girl, and I figured the solitary cardio was better than nothing.

Tomorrow's class is called "On-The-Ball Training", which is a strength-focused class using stability balls, BOSU balls, and medicine balls. I love this class. I may or may not attend tomorrow, still being pretty sore from Monday.

I have a co-worker who is incredibly active (she plays sports and attends bootcamps, etc - every single day), and she tells me that the best way to deal with sore muscles is to keep using them. And I have been experiencing the fact that the more I move, the more they're okay, it's only after sitting still for a while, that it hurts to move. But a full-on class?

I will probably try, because she's a good motivator, and knowing she's rooting for me helps. And because I know tomorrow afternoon she'll track me down and ask how it went... I don't want to have to tell her I chickened out and went for the elliptical again. Ha.

Otherwise... Art... I've been extremely procrastinatey (it's a word now) on my photos lately... Multiple months of nothing... I think I've just been away from the cyber world. I've been taking photos, but not processing or posting. I'm working on them now, aiming at 5 per night... I have a lot to get through.

And last I posted here, I was in the midst of a drawing class at ACAD... I loved that class. It was so great for me, in so many ways. I'm thinking of taking another class in the fall. Possibly an intro to painting this time? I'd have to decide between acrylic, watercolor, and oil... I think you're supposed to start with one of the two formers... I have always used acrylics in the past... Maybe I should take all three? Or perhaps I should carry on with drawing... There's figure drawing, landscape drawing, perspective drawing, 3d drawing... Or in an entirely different vein, I could give sculpture or fabrics or jewellery making a try...

Or... I've also been thinking about creative writing classes, and even piano lessons. I have a piano. I played all throughout my childhood. I'd love to get back to it. I suppose all it would take is practice...

I've been reading a lot. I read the first two books in The Millenium Trilogy, which are not really in my usual genre - but I liked them. They are translated from Sweden, and I suppose would fit under the Thriller category? There are subtitled movies out for the books, but I want to read the third before watching the movies. The third book is out, but only in hardcover... I'm waiting for soft.

I also read Eat, Pray, Love. I figured it would be a nice, light, vacation read. I didn't expect to care about it all that much - but I absolutely loved it. The wisdom in this book floored me - I hope to come back to read this book again, I think a lot of people could learn so much from this book... It really touched me. Aaaaand made me want to travel. Even more than usual... However, there is also a movie out based on this book and I am TERRIFIED to see it. I mean, I want to... I'm curious... But I'm so scared that they've turned it into some stupid fluffy chick flick. Even one of the lines in a preview made a statement that was totally opposite to the point of the book... I dunno. We'll see...

Currently I am reading a strange little book called "Her Fearful Symmetry". It's about a couple of mirror twins (identical, but opposite - one of them literally has all her organs on the 'wrong' side) whos mysterious British aunt dies and leaves them everything in her will, as long as they live together in her Flat for one year (which borders on the famous Highgate Cemetery), and their parents are never to set foot in it. It's a love story, a ghost story, a story of family secrets and London history... Dark and funny and organic. I'm just over two thirds of the way through, and I'm fascinated to find out what happens, but I also don't want to finish it, because it's great. It was written by the author of The Time Traveller's Wife... Which I haven't read - but think it may be up next on my list.

Also possibly upcoming on my list of reading... I'd like to find a good biography (possibly historical novel, whatever) on Mata Hari. I read a few online articles about her story, and it sounds fascinating, and a little tragic. Right up my alley.

For now, it's late... I need to get to bed, rest my poor muscles and brain...

I am planning to try to keep this up more often... But we'll see. We all know how procrastinatey I am in general...

Feb. 21.

Purple Sea, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I was sick last week. Getting mostly over the cold by now. Still some coughing and a headache, but nothing serious. Back to work tomorrow. I am stressed out about work. Like, serious knot-in-stomach stressed. Don't really know why, can't really explain it. I think I'll be fine, but what I think and feel are usually two separate things.

My birthday is this week. My 'family' birthday dinner worries me, as usual. Something else I can't logically explain.

My dreams have been vivid, which makes me glad. I love when my dreams get vivid and detailed. When the spin is good, they're like little mini vacations.

Speaking of mini vacations, B and I drove out to Banff last weekend, and Canmore today. Our tiny escapes are important for our psyches, but they also mean we ignore our home. It's tough to find the balance sometimes, between work, home, and escape.

I'm loving my drawing class. I will definitely be taking more classes in the fall. But I'm struggling with whether or not I should apply as a 'real' part-time student. Should I be taking classes I can get credits for? I mean, it would take ten or twenty years to actually obtain a degree, one or two classes at a time. And I'm worried about it cutting down my options. Would I need to choose a 'direction' right away? If I stick with the 'credit free' classes, I can take whichever class tickles my fancy each semester. I'll never have any 'credits' to show for it, but do I need them? I'll love the journey, regardless.

I'm just excited to feel like an artist again. I want to feed that side of me. Honestly, I want to give it more than I can afford to. I know I need to stay practical. But again, logic has nothing to do with what I feel.

I was digging through some old photos from our trip to Europe, and found this one. I took it at Montorosso, Italy. There is something in the look on my face here, my eyes, my mouth, I don't know... Something struck me.

And now, although I'm avoiding it, because it means the weekend is over and the week is about to start... I need to go to bed. It's a quarter past eleven, and I've got a BIG week ahead of me...

New Year

2009 is over. I'm happy about that. I suppose if I wasn't I'd be living in the past.

2009 started out on an extremely dark note for me - But thankfully there was only one direction to go after that - and that was up. By early spring life was back to good.

Brian and I visited his mom in Vancouver in May and July - which I always enjoy. I don't know when we'll be back to Vancouver, but I'm craving it - I hope it's soon.

We did a lot of relatively local travel this year. Lots of road trips - Alberta, Saskatchewan, BC. We road tripped to Burning Man and back in August, in Ziggy - our '85 Volkswagon camper van.

I saw Toronto for the first time ever in July - we visited Sabrina & Jamie, Josh & Mel. It stormed the whole week we were there, but I loved it. So warm, so wet. I love the rain, I love being poured on. And being warm enough to stay in it. Ha. I spent a bunch of time shopping, and we visited Niagara Falls.

Three different friends of mine each gave birth to a boy in the spring. Rowan, Wesley, and Graham. I love that I've finally gotten to the point in my life that my friends are having babies. I can't wait to watch them, and all the other little kiddies in my world grow up into little people. :)

In the fall, my dad announced he's fallen in love. He's been single for 22 years, since he & my mom split up. It came as a shock, but I'm happy for him. I like his girlfriend - she seems good for him, and that's probably all that matters. It will be really interesting to see if my family will grow in 2010 in that way. Pam has 2 daughters in their early 30's - I may get step sisters.

In early December, I suffered a surprise-miscarriage. I didn't know I was pregnant, until I miscarried. I wouldn't have been far along - but it was still quite something to digest. It's a strange thing to experience.

2010 is a year I am really looking forward too. In a couple weeks, I start a drawing class at ACAD. This is something I've wanted to do for most of my life and I can't imagine why on Earth I never have. I am SO excited for this, I can't even complain. This year I hope to start putting together a portfolio of my work. Gotta be open to possibilities, right?

Also in the creative vein, I'm hoping to get back into self portraits. I haven't been doing any lately, but when I did I think I learned a lot from them. I don't really want to say much about them, because I don't know how to approach it yet, and don't want to jynx it.

In terms of travel, it seems it'll be a year of weddings. We're off to Jamaica at the end of January for the wedding of Shawn and Tanya. It'll be Brian's first tropical vacation and my second - one to remember for sure. In July we have a wedding in Kelowna, which we are likely to combine with a bit of BC road tripping. Just us & Ziggy & the highways & the hot springs! That's what it's aaaaaall about.

In early June we have a wedding to attend in Rexton, New Brunswick. I've never been further East than Toronto, so we're gonna take a good 2 weeks and travel around NB a little.

So, no laughing at this next one: We've been renovating our upstairs bathroom since March 2008. In late 2009, we got it up to the point of having all the drywall installed. Earlier today (Jan. 1) we started mudding & taping. We'll continue with that tomorrow... I'm feeling pretty motivated to get that over & done with. I feel like we're finally glimpsing the light at the end of the tunnel. We're also in the stages of planning paint and tiles... And that stuff's exciting.
:)

I have no idea what else this year will bring. In no particular order, I hope for: Travel, adventure, art, friendship, creativity, love, passion.

Huh.

Do you ever get kinda weirded out by life?

I feel, emotionally like I am at some sort of crossroads. I can't really identify what it is, but I feel suddenly different about so many things. I feel like I need to be creative. I feel like I need to pay attention to my artsy side. I feel almost dishonest with myself or something. I don't know, I can't explain.

I'm starting an art class in January. A drawing class at ACAD. I'm so excited, because I haven't been in an art class in ~10 years. I've been wanting to go to art school all my life. I mean, more than that, even. More than I'm going to go into here.

Somehow I've always had these excuses. These reasons not to do it. I can't even count how many times I've looked at the ACAD calendar, read through all the courses, ranked the classes, planned out which ones to take. But always something would come up. I'd get sick, or busy, or I get focused on something else. I was just never able to get started.

But then I realized, I don't have to have it ALL planned out before I begin. I keep stopping because I can't see how it'll all turn out. I'm not sure what life has in store, and so I don't know what decisions to make about it. But the things I do right now are not just about the future, they're about right now as well.

This is a recurring theme for me, perhaps. I can recall a few times in my life when faced with potentially life-altering decisions, and I make no decision, for fear of making the wrong decision.

This art class is such an exciting thing for me, I can't even describe it. When I finish this class, I'll be better equipped to take another step, even if I still don't know where it will lead. It can't hurt.

There are strange things going on in my family that I don't quite understand yet. And my health is not peak. I am not enamored with my job. These things add to my desire to just close myself off and create. Ugh. Why can't I just be content with the crap I have to do?

Buh. Now I'm just moaning and complaining. Life is weird. That's not news to anyone.

B and I are taking the day off work tomorrow, we might head up to Bragg Creek. He's lived in this city for 15 years, and never been there. It's time.

Oh - PS, last night I dreamt of Vancouver. We moved to Vancouver and were hanging out on the beach. There was a tidal wave, and we had to run down the street to avoid it, but everyone told us not to worry, and that it happens all the time - no biggie. I pointed out to Brian that some children are burying themselves in the sand, under shallow water. We were trying to find help for our friend C (who in actuality we are no longer in contact with, but were close with at one time). We found some sort of park ranger, and when we brought him back to C, he started talking to another woman I didn't recognize. He called her Nicki. I kept telling him, 'no, it's C that needs help, not that other chick'. But he keeps talking to Nicki, trying to help Nicki. I believe at some point in this dream that I was also trying to explain my fear of water to someone.

Early November

I have been feeling sick, and haven't been to work all week. I've been doing exactly nothing, at home. Sleeping, watching crap tv, playing on my laptop. Sleeping. Lots of sleeping.

No, it's not the H1N1 flu. No flu at all, I don't think. Just a cold, probably playing on some thyroid issues. I know my thyroid is out of whack, but my doctor wanted another blood test before she adjusts my synthroid dosage... The plan is next week to get my blood test done, and then see her - though it's no easy task to get an appointment with any doctor at the moment.

I'll be back to work tomorrow... Lots to do. I'm sure I was barely missed, and I know I wasn't the only one away...

I feel very strange emotionally at the moment. I feel on the brink. I feel like I'm finally getting the right idea about some things, yet it's still so far out of reach.

I'm so excited for my drawing class, but it doesn't start until January. I know it'll be here before I know it, but it seems so far away still.

I have paid for some personal fitness sessions with a trainer at the YMCA. I also have promised my little sister I'd join her for some bikram yoga classes. And I am working on stocking up my home workout equipment, and working on making use of it more and more at home. I'm gaining weight as usual, and need to put a cap on it - bring it down a little. And the best way for me to do that is up my physical activity.

But then... This week I was going to go to yoga with Bri, and work out at home each day. Had quite an intense home workout on Sunday, and was so sore I was limping until Wednesday. Plus of course I woke up sick on Monday, which made me even less likely to move in any way.

So now that I'm feeling a little more human, tomorrow I go back to work - one cup of cofffee, then tea or water. One 'treat' (Friday's treat day at my office), reasonable eating habits, and if I am not way too exhausted after work, then a home workout perhaps. Or maybe I should even think about visiting the gym at lunch... Hrm...

That, truly, is all.

And now, I'm about to saunter off to bed.

It's been a month since I've posted anything. Stuff's been a little crazy, as always.

In July we spent time in 4 seperate provinces. It was a constant whirlwind...

July 1-6 - West Kootenays road trip in BC
July 7-8 - In Calgary, working.
July 9-13 - Ghost Town hunting in Saskatchewan
July 14-16 - In Calgary, working.
July 17-19 - Vancouver for No Doubt concert
July 20-21 - In Calgary, working.
July 22-26 - Toronto
July 27-30 - In Edmonton, working (me only - Brian was home that week).
July 31 - In Calgary, working.

Upon coming home from Edmonton, I was informed I'd be heading back out to Grande Prairie two weeks later, and almost burst into tears. I managed to postpone my Grande Prairie trip until late September/early October.

We bought a 1985 Volkswagon Van in the first week of August. It's a perfect little thing for us, because we do love our little roadtrips so much. It'll be great to not have to worry about finding hotels or restaurants. The van boasts a sink, a stove, a fridge, and two double beds. We've named her Zeitgeist (basically translates to 'spirit of the time or age'), but it's Ziggy for short. She's dark brown, and gorgeous. There are a couple quick snapshots of her on Two Bs in a Blog. We haven't had a chance to take her camping yet, but we've done some driving around - out to Canmore with my dad for a hike and dinner a couple weekends ago. Burningman will be her maiden voyage, and what a voyage it will be!!!

One of my best friends in the world (Josh's Blog) got married last weekend. He and his new wife (Freshly Grated Nutmeg) live in Toronto, but they had their wedding here because the majority of their friends and family are here. They both grew up in Calgary - he moved east about 5(?) years ago to attend McGill, and then relocated to Toronto a couple years ago, where she joined him at that time. It was a beautiful wedding, and I'm so happy for them both. Makes me miss them, though - makes me want to go hang out in Toronto some more. :)

Emotionally, I've been a little up-and-down lately. Partly, the problem is that all this travel we're doing keeps whispering in my ear, telling me I need to do more... Everywhere I go, I want to stay. The further away from home I get, the happier I am. There's gotta be something unhealthy about that.

For the past couple of years I've been dreaming of moving to Vancouver, as I've mentioned here before. It seems unlikely at this point. At least not anytime in the forseeable future. And that does make me sad. I've lived in Calgary all my life, and really feel like it's time to see things from a different angle. But maybe there's more to my restlessness, I don't know.

Brian doesn't seem to be AGAINST relocating, but I think he doesn't really see a reason for it. He didn't grow up in Calgary, so this is already a relocation for him. This is already his 'move to the big city'.

If I were to leave Calgary, that would mean a change of career/industry, which is a little scary in itself, as ALL my experience and education is in this one industry which doesn't really exist in Vancouver.

And then more recently the thought of going back to school has crossed my mind yet again. Something like design. Which is amazing for me to say, because usually when I go down this line of thinking, I hit a big brick wall at "what would I take?" and honestly, something like design makes a lot of sense. It's artsy, it's something I would find fascinating, and it covers a LOT of categories, and would leave a lot of options open in terms of a direction to go in.

But then, of course, the realities hit:
- Can we afford it?
- Are we going to be starting a family in the next few years?
- Are we willing to give up the freedom for things like travel?
- Would it be stupid of me to walk away from my job and the company I've been with for seven years?

Ugh. It's been a tumultuous few weeks. I get hit with this every once in a while. This feeling of regret. If only I had a degree. If only I had a career that allowed for a little more creativity. If only I had changed direction sooner.

I know I've always made the decision that was 'best for me at the time'. And I know that's really all you can do, without knowing what the future will bring. But suddenly, looking back, there were several points where I wish I made a drastically different decision.

But then who knows where I'd be? I know, I know. Regret solves nothing. But sometimes it's hard to ignore.

The feelings of 'ick' have been coming and going for a couple weeks here. Mondays are especially rude and painful, but I just keep to myself and by Tuesday I feel more like a human being. I have even been going back to the gym more regularly than I had for a while. Being more active always has a positive effect on my psyche. It's true. It helps.

Most of the bad flew away on Wednesday of this week, however... I came to the realization that we leave for Burningman next Thursday. The 27th. By now, that's less than a week away. By this time next week, we'll be on the road! Somewhere in southern BC or northern Idaho, probably. Toodling down the road in Ziggy... Wishing each moment would never ever end.

I'm actually terrified about the inevitable 'let-down' that will hit upon returning home this fall. The reality that we'll be home battling the cold all winter long. Ugh. But at the moment, I'm putting those thoughts away, because those are horrible thoughts, and I don't want to deal with them.

The plan is to leave next Thursday morning, head west, and cross the border just south of Cranbrook. The most direct route is basically straight down through Idaho, cutting across the far SE corner of Oregon, and then into Nevada. We made the drive in two days in 2007 (even dealing with a flat tire at one point along the way), but we were driving until 2 or 3am, and then starting out again at 6 or 7am - and that's not the best (or safest) way of doing it. This year we hope to do little or no after-dark driving, and are giving ourselves twice the time to get there. We'll still be driving most of the time, but can probably afford to pull off and set up camp in the evenings and relax a bit at night.

We plan to arrive at Burningman on Monday morning. Our camp is called Midnight Poutine - There are 18 of us in total. I believe about 12 of them are from Montreal, 2 from Toronto, and 4 (including Brian and I) from Calgary. We will be serving poutine from midnight-2am, Monday to Friday. We're each signed up for a couple shifts. Should be very interesting. We actually got an amazing location - best I've ever had there - and are featured in What/Where/When. Meaning we will get TONS of traffic. We expect to serve 1500 poutines all-told. Holy crap. I've only ever had poutine once, and even once dated a guy who said he would dump me in a second if he heard I ever even tasted it (he was pretty sure the worst thing anyone could be was fat). I think it's probably perfect in the middle of the night, after some good partying. Haha, should be fun.

The Man burns on Saturday (Sept. 5 this year), and everything starts to wind down shortly thereafter. Many people leave on Sunday, most people leave on Monday. Brian and our buddy Kay and I will be hanging around until Tuesday, ensuring the camp gets all cleaned up and taken away. We'll miss the mass exodus, and leave the day after most people, which means less time sitting in a vehicle in a line-up, mostly.

We have about a week to meander back home... We're not sure yet where we're gonna go, which route we'll take. My vote is for the coast. I would really love to visit the ocean. I love that whole drive, and we could even go as far up as Vancouver, visit some friends and Brian's mom, before heading back east for home... We'll see. There are a million possibilities.

Ooookay, now I'm going to go do some stuff. I am planning to update here again before leaving, but any travel entries will (as always) be on our travel blog - Two Bs in a Blog.

Ciao for now!

April

Playing..., originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I had a good weekend. Got to tag along on a fun photoshoot, went to the farmer's market, and bought a drawing tablet.

I've been wanting a drawing tablet for some time, hoping I can combine drawing with my photography - that's the idea, anyway. I don't have any sort of handle on photoshop to begin with, though - so the learning curve is steep. I have ideas, inspirations, but no knowledge on how to carry them out.

Not to mention energy. I'm feeling incredibly drained, for unknown reasons. I spend all day at work imagining all the beautiful things I'll create when I get home and then by the time I get home I just want to curl up in a little ball and sleep.

I'm having a lot of trouble lately knowing how to live, what to do. How do people decide what to do in their every day lives? We work most of the time, and we can't all have jobs that make our hearts flutter with passion... Can we?

I don't even know what I feel like I should do for a living. I have brainstorms, but they're all SO impractical. Where is that balance found? How do people do it?

I feel like the message lately is to be brave and step outside comfort in order to grow. But when I really think about it, it would be completely stupid of me to change what I do. Not without some reason, some catalyst. But then - could that be seen as me sitting around waiting for opportunity to knock?

How important is it that we let go of our securities in order to thrive? I feel like I've spent my entire adult life trying to be more and more secure in every way - and suddenly the universe is telling me it's all a waste, and I should be stupid and crazy like I wasn't when I was 21?

I don't want to be 21 again. I don't want to party all the time. There's so much about that time that I'm sooo happy to leave behind forever. But the freedom - There was a freedom I had access to, that I refused to take advantage of. I just wanted to be safe, and secure.

Now I spend so much of my life wondering where I would have been - WHO I would have been, if I'd made different choices. If I'd stayed in school and become a teacher. If I'd gone to art school, if I'd traveled on my own, if I'd run away to some place where I knew no one and worked in a little bookstore and lived in a teeny apartment above a cafe.

I know those people don't exist. There's no reason for them to exist. I didn't make those choices, I stayed safe. And there were perks to the choices I made. There were honest and logical reasons I made those decisions, and they were best at the time. And we can only really make decisions based on what we know right now.

So when do we know that it's time to turn everything upside down and try something NEW?

And when we do decide that, and work up the courage and the plan, and make these scary things happen in our lives, how do we know we're doing it for the right reasons? How do we know we're not just running away from things we should be facing?

And the truth, I know, is that we don't know. None of us knows what will or will not happen. We can't know. There's no such thing as black and white. But we have to be brave, and try.

But if I know this (and I'm pretty sure I do), how come all I ever want to do is hide? It's always my first choice. Avoid conflict, remove myself from it, hide. Put up my little walls, and wait for everything to just blow over. Deal with my own hurt and anger and sadness, and let everything external just sort itself out.

I do small things every day that I hope will point me in the right direction. I force myself to be brave about little things. I leave my mind as open and willing as possible, though I have to wonder if living the same days over and over again for years and years and years can even leave you with the option of being truly open-minded.

I've been falling asleep all day, craving my bed so badly. Now it's 11pm, and I suddenly feel wide awake. Isn't that the way it goes? What is it that is so screwed up about my body's clock, that it's always SO tired when it needs to be awake, and gets this burst of energy just as it should be winding down?

Anywho, in accordance with my endless attempt to train my body to behave like it should, I'm going to bed now. Nightmares are pretty-much the norm these days, so I'll wake up distant or worried or afraid, force strength on myself at some point before leaving the house, and face another day, like countless others I've already finished.

And I hope my next post is a little more cheery. Sometimes I piss myself off with the tone of these things, but once I start typing, I don't control it, it just emerges.

In a Different Place and Time

Ceiling Fan, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I haven't been online in a while. I mean, I've still been checking up on my favorite websites and blogs and finding new ones, but I haven't been posting anything.

I'm not checking Facebook regularly, I haven't even been looking at Flickr.

Last November I started a photo project which demanded a self portrait each week for a year. I made it up to week 20-something. I feel guilty for having quit the project. Part of me wants to go back to it, but most of me really doesn't.

Sometimes I just don't want my face online. Sometimes I don't feel like sharing with the world.

I went through a period of hiding, trying to figure things out on my own. Not wanting to share or reach out to the world.

I eventually managed to sort things out and pull my thoughts into a more positive place, but with that came the desire to try new things. So again, my online persona (and camera) got ignored.

I still don't know if I feel ready to share with the online universe again, but I thought I'd just poke my head up, and say - I'm still around, but in a different sort of way.

I have been taking some photos still, but am quite behind on posting them (I'm still posting from February). And none of them are self portraits. Perhaps I'll get back to that, but I can't promise.

I have ideas, but lack the motivation perhaps to make them happen in most cases.

I am most of the way through a Photoshop class at ACAD, which has been fun. I still don't feel like I have a REAL handle on the program, but I have enough basic knowledge to play around with it and figure out what I want to. But the key is to make myself DO it.

Mostly, I tend to blame the fact that I never want to be on my computer when I'm at home. It's up in my office, away from Brian and the kitties. I sit in front of a computer away from Brian all day, and really enjoy the time we spend together at home on evenings and weekends. So to dissappear upstairs by myself seems odd.

So, what have I been spending my time on? Mostly domestic stuff. I tend to be a slob, and housework is one of my most hated tasks. But I've been trying hard to work on that. Part of why I hate it so much is that it is ALWAYS there, hanging over my head as something I haven't done, and is too big to deal with right now. So I'm trying to change my view of it. I'm working really hard at doing a little bit of it often, and eventually I'll get on top of it. Also things like cleaning AS I cook, etc. My house is gradually getting cleaner and more organized. I still have a long way to go, but at least I'm on my way.

I've also been doing a bit of cooking. Trying new recipes. Being newly vegetarian has forced Brian and I to try a lot of different recipes we've never had before. I'm also working on cutting as much dairy out of my diet as possible. I'm not going vegan, as I'm still eating eggs and honey. And I'm not even quitting dairy, just cutting out as much of it as I can, wherever I can. If we go out for dinner, it's practically impossible to be vegetarian AND dairy-free. So for now it's just when I'm at home, and on the rare occaision when I can find dairy-free options in restaurants.

I'm hoping the lack of dairy will help with my chronic skin problems. I've read a lot that seems to indicate that it should.

I've been excercising a lot too - taking classes at the Y. My favorite classes are the Stability ball and BOSU classes.

Spring is here as well, which also takes my focus outside. Working in the yard, going out with friends. Rarely do I want to sit inside at my computer when it's so beautiful and newly warm outside.

I do hope to get excited about my camera again, and get back to creating some beauty I want to share.

Registered

Green Reflectome, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Okay, I've done it. I've registered for Intro to Photoshop at ACAD. It doesn't start until May, but that's okay. It's coming, and it'll happen. And it'll be good for me.

Sometimes I have a tendency to get involved in TOO much - over-commit myself. Then at some point I freak-out, realizing I just can't stay on top of it all, and quit everything I can.

I would like to take some artsy night classes - have been thinking about it for YEARS. But I am afraid of it being "too much" and quitting. I hate quitting.

Most of the ACAD night classes are twice a week, and that's daunting to someone with my history. So I decided on the photoshop class because it's only once a week, on wednesday nights. Not too intimidating, only 6 weeks long. I'm sure I can do that. And it'll tell me if I can handle a two-nights-per-week class. Yup, yup.

Not feeling ultra-bloggy today. Not really feeling ultra-anything today. Not into my work, or my lunch, or my usual routines. Dunno. Looking forward to the weekend. We'll see what comes next.

Art Classes?

Busy Hands, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

So, I think I am going to take a night class at ACAD in May. I have felt this need lately to pay more attention to my art again. Work on it, go somewhere with it, but I don't really remember how. I can sit down with my paints or my pencils and create the same things I've created over and over again since I was 16, but nothing new or inspiring. Not the images I dream up and WANT to create. My possibilities are these:

On Wednesdays Nights:
Intro to Photoshop
Digital Darkroom

Monday and Wednesday Nights:
Intro to Drawing
Figure Drawing
Intro to Oil Painting
Intro to Watercolour

Tuesday and Thursday Nights:
Anatomy Study
Intro to Acrylic Painting

I think the two Wednesday night classes seem similar to one-another, and they are not related to the painting-or-drawing that I want to get back into, but I do feel they could help me out with my photos. Post-processing is not my forte, and perhaps it would help me get out of my photo-rut, and feel inspired there again.

Of the others, I've just really chosen all the beginner drawing and painting classes. Though I've drawn and painted for most of my life, I have not really taken many formal art classes. Some in highschool, one in university, but it's been so long, I don't think it would hurt me to start back at square one. ya know?

There were other classes that appealed to me too, like Jewellery Design, Fiction Writing, Sculpture, and Fabric. But I feel I should get "back to basics" before venturing further into other mediums.

Hrm... Decisions, decisions...