Isn't this a fantastic image? I love the structure, the colors, all of it is just - gorgeous.

I've been having bizarre, vivid dreams lately. That doesn't surprise me, as there is a lot going on in my life right now.

On Friday night, I dreamt that I was in my car with someone - I don't know who. We were stopped behind a black SUV at a red light, and it was dark out. Suddenly this guy walks along from behind my car, pulls out a gun, and kills 4 men in the SUV in front of me. When I saw what was happening, I tried to sink down in my car, so not to draw attention. I was trying to curl up as low under the dash as I could, but he saw me anyway. He fired two shots into my car, I think hoping to hit each of us, but both bullets hit me. I got one in the cheek, and one in the abdomen. After that part, I don't really remember much except that I kept asking for someone to help me, and everyone was like "Whatever. People get shot. It happens. Get over it."

On Saturday night, I dreamt that I was out partying, and met Britney Spears. We started talking, and I found her to be really nice, and a lot of fun. I was really blown away by what a sweetheart she was, and found it really sad that she gets so torn apart by the tabloids. But then the next day, I realized that I had something of hers - It was this little cellphone/music player kinda thing. I knew there were personal details in it, so I wanted to get it back to her as soon as possible. It was really hard to find her, and when I finally did find her, she was a total bitch to me. She was so angry at me for "stealing" this thing from her, but she had left it behind. She screamed and swore at me about all of "us" being the same, out to get her - out to attack. I tried to explain to her that I had NO desire to attack her - I told her it's just not in me. I don't set out to hurt people. But she was convinced that I'd sold all her personal details to the tabloids.

On Sunday night, I don't really remember anything but crowds of people in cages.

Last night I remember dreaming about Tarah. I think Brianne may have been there too, but I'm not sure. I said something that made Tarah laugh, and I got so excited - thinking that if she could laugh at a joke of mine, maybe she would be able to treat me like a fellow human being. I don't know what happened in the dream, but I know by the end of it I was in tears over something she'd done or said, and I was so upset about not being allowed to get away from her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Updates from me:

- Still working like crazy, but I finally feel like it's paying off.
- Love my new job, department, boss, all of it. I am so so happy to be where I am right now in terms of my career.
- Got informed of my raise and bonus on Friday, and my new boss has come through for me like my old one never bothered to. I won't talk about dollar amounts, because I know it's taboo or something - But I can talk in percentages, right? Well, I've had a few raises this year, but between January '06 and January '07, my salary has been upped by 27%. And my bonus? 20% of my current salary. See what I mean when I say I am finally feeling appreciated? Now if only this stuff would kick-in BEFORE Christmas, it would help a lot...
- Met a man at my friend Katherine's Christmas party, and have been spending some time with him - getting to know him, and enjoying the process intently.
- I'm intensely stressed-out about Christmas. Partly because of all the random Goddamn shopping I have to do, regardless of whether I can afford it or not. And partly because I have to see Tarah 3 fucking days in a row.

Okay, I think that's it for now. I'll probably come back and leave a farewell-for-the-holidays post tomorrow, because I'm off work at noon, and don't have to come back until January 2. Woo!

Amy's Birthday, Bits of a Dream, and Movie Control

Today is Amy Lee's 25th birthday. I know most of y'all couldn't care less, but I'm a fan - so there.

I don't remember entirely what I dreamt last night (I slept deeply), but I remember some tiny bits. I remember my mom, wearing some sort of bright 70's mumu. And there was something about her holding up fabric that was camouflaging with her dress... There was also something about babies, possibly baby animals.

And unfortunately, that is ALL the detail I can scrape together about my dreams last night. I know you're all terribly dissapointed by that.

I have to admit, the baby animals may have been there because my roomie and I watched some Discovery TV last night. We saw documentaries on hyenas, then lions, then wolves. Pretty interesting, of course. What shocked the Hell out of me, was that Neil sat through them, and even enjoyed them. Slowly but surely, I'm opening his mind a little, in terms of entertainment.

Neil loves cartoons. And monsters and zombies and robots and superheroes and horror. He knows a lot about those movies - more than anyone else I've met. However. He's completely close-minded about movies that don't include any of those things.

Recently, there have been some movies that I've been interested in renting, and he just won't. He won't even entertain the possibility that it might be a good movie, if it has nothing to do with his monsters/zombies/etc.

But. He and I were at the video rental place about a week ago, and not agreeing on what to get. I always just let him pick, and not say anything - because I can tend to find something to enjoy about any movie. But this time there were a few I really badly wanted to see. But Neil was having none of it.

So we decided to each pick one out. He chose Slither and I chose Strangers with Candy. I have to admit, SwC wasn't on the very top of my list, but it was in my top 5 (only because I love Stephen Colbert) and Neil had reacted positively to the preview, even though he was now saying he had zero interest in it.

So of course we watch Slither first, because boys care more about things like watching their movies first. It sucked. And I say this with full conviction. I swear to you - It takes A LOT for me to say there wasn't anything good about a movie - It was absolutely the worst movie I have ever seen in my life. And I've seen some bad ones. Especially since August... Hm...

Before you think I'm being the closed-minded one, Neil hated it to. He was like "Wow, you were right - that reeeeeally sucked."

And then, when he finally agreed to put up with my movie - He freakin' LOVED it. He's been quoting lines from it non-stop. He'll even start just randomly laughing out of nowhere, and when I raise my eyebrows at him, he'll say some line or bring up a scene from it. He's even called it the best movie ever - Although I still don't believe he would ACTUALLY place it above Star Wars or the Alien movies. But whatever.

Part of me thought that perhaps he would see that there is some possibility that I could pick out a good movie. I sat him down and chatted with him about maybe being a little more open-minded about movies. He was actually surprised - At first he was totally caught off guard, but I gave him specific examples, and he realized he was being a little ridiculous. And in the end he actually apologized, saying he really didn't realize what a movie-nazi he was being. He blamed his childhood as usual, but promised to make an effort to listen to my opinion on movies too.

I don't even have any desire to make him sit through chick-flicks or anything. I would never want to make anyone sit through something they don't enjoy. I just truly believe that he could enjoy a lot more movies if he were open to trying them. Ya know?

So - Whatever. I'm still not convinced I'll have any say in the movies we rent, but again - I also don't care THAT much. Which is why I will never see the movies I want - Only what the other person wants.

I don't even mean to make it sound like Neil's the only one who's ever done that, he's just an example - throughout my entire life it's been that way, and I know it's just because of my personality. I'm just noticing it now because I spent a few years living entirely alone, so it was always my choice, and I got to see exactly what I wanted to see. And it was the first time ever. And I discovered a lot of really fantastic stuff that I NEVER would have seen, if I was renting with anyone else. And now I kinda miss it.

See, what would solve this problem would be to meet someone as movie-ecclectic as me. Someone else who really is as open to whatever as me. That would be sweet. Then I could suggest movies I have an interest in, without anyone pulling up their noses, saying "that looks boring. That looks weird. That has subtitles." Eeeeek, oh no! Subtitles, we mustn't READ for two hours in a row, that would be disasterous!

Hehe. I like normal movies too. But I don't understand the concept of spending ALL your time in the mainstream, when there are so many different areas out there. There are so many amazing and bizarre things that will NEVER come close to the mainstream. Bah.

Whatever. I didn't mean to rant, but I did. Now it's time for me to go home.

Thankfully, it does not look like this outside today. But I still wanted to post this picture for a few reasons.

One, I adore it. Of course. Anyone who knows me just a little bit would know how much this photo speaks to me. If you enjoy it as much as I do, you should go see the rest of Brian's photos. There are a couple more fantastic blue ones there too, which will likely find their way onto my blog before too long...

Secondly, I wanted to talk about another one of my common dreamscapes, and this photo works well for it.

This particular dreamscape is probably my most common one. I can't be sure of course, but my impression is that the vast majority of my dreams take place here. The "here" is hard to explain. Infact, I can't even talk about what it IS, only what it seems like and feels like and reminds me of.

It's almost like a combination office building/shopping mall/school. Mostly I think it looks like a mall - but the "stores" aren't stores. Sometimes they are classrooms and sometimes they are meeting rooms, and sometimes they are pink and black arcades (random, I know). There are low, small, sets of stairs - like in a mall, four steps beside a ramp and a metal railing. There is one area that is like a food court or a cafeteria. I'm not usually eating there, but there is food around. The tables are dark orange. When I'm there, I'm usually with other people. The aspects of it that remind me of a school, remind me of a highschool - not a university or elementary. Sometimes there these greyish-white +15s. They seem transparent and sterile. And they're not just on the second floor, they go all the way up - connecting most floors to other buildings. When I am in these +15s, the mall/school seems more like a mall/office tower. In this "officey" environment, I am on the top floor, and the walls and ceiling are glass. I can see the people on the top floors of all the other buildings. There are no walls or hallways, it is just open - Full of mingling people in suits.

The weirdest thing about this place (to me) is that it leaves me with this sense of patterns, organization, systems, rules. I don't feel controlled or pressured, it's more of a feeling of things being in their little places, and happening how they should. How they do. When I wake out of these dreams, I am often left with images of charts and graph paper and neat little boxes in neat little shelves.

The story line (or overall emotion) always changes with this setting - Waaaay back in the day (in my teen years), I remember dreaming about this place and feeling like a grown-up. It used to make me excited to get out on my own and be independent. But more recently, the stories have been less vivid. It's like I dream about this place when my subconscious has nothing profound to say. Or maybe it's to say things are clicking along just as they should.

I have university dreams too, but they are entirely different. In my dreams, university is this magical, fantastic place - where everyone is who they want to be, and everyone is able to manifest whatever they imagine. There is lots of art and beauty, silver jewellery and lavendar fabric hanging from waaaaaay high-up.

My university dreamscape reminds me also of a sort-of studio I dream about sometimes. It is like this big dark warehouse, that has all these huge black curtains hanging from so high up, I can't see the tops. This studio is good and creative and magical, but also dark. I think these dreams are usually good, but sometimes there are scary mask-faces behind the curtains. The floor is like that black stage-floor, with the masking tape "X"s, and there are bright hot lights. I don't think I'm a performer in these dreams, but perhaps a creator.

Aaaaanywho, I so didn't mean to talk about 3 different dreamscapes - It just sorta happened. Forgive me???

I'd love to hear if other people dream about places like these. When I get a computer at home again, I think I'll try to find some dream-related bloggers. I KNOW there must be other bloggers out there documenting dreams, and wondering how their dreams differ from others...

Okay, I don't really have time to be rambling on like this - But I'm probably working pretty late tonight, so I don't feel toooo bad about taking a break.

But now it's time to get back. Woo!

Why I dress mostly in black...

Today I am wearing an unusual outfit - unusual because it's not straight black. About 95% of the time, my office wear consists of black pants and a black blouse, or sometimes a black skirt or a black sweater - Just to shake things up. My choice of wardrobe color (or lack thereof) is not a gothic statement. I'm not trying to be mysterious or dark or tortured. I've always worn a lot of black. It's slimming, it looks classy/sophisticated, and it matches everything.

Today I am wearing khakis and red shoes. My shirt is striped khaki, red, orange, and navy blue - with one tiny strip of white. One.

And y'know what happened to that one little ridiculous strip of white? I spilled coffee on it. Just the white part. Not even a drop on the darker red or khaki. Just a nice big blob of coffee in the middle of the white.

Typical.

And that's why I dress mostly in black.

All you Calgarians...

Oh my God. Anyone in Calgary - Look at the moon RIGHT NOW! It's amazing. It is huge and full and red and so close to the horizon... I caught a glimpse of it out my office window, and had to do a double-take. It's amazing. Notice it.

Content today

Today I feel good. I'm content. I'm not ridiculously-bouncing-off-the-walls-happy, but I'm good. I feel okay.

To those of you following my recent eating thing - I've discovered that I can drink smoothies even when I can't stomach the thought of anything else. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it's not solid? I'm not sure. But I've found that when I'm starved and sick and need to eat SOMETHING, a smoothie is almost always a success. And I know there's a lot of sugar in smoothies, but at least I'm getting SOME nutrients along with it. Better than coffee, anyway - so it's a step up.

And although it's perhaps a poor choice of editing to put this next paragraph immediately after the one talking about not eating enough, please just trust me that the weight loss thing is in no way on purpose - I've never starved myself to lose weight, and I'm not about to start. This weight loss is a side-effect, not a reason.

But today I realized that I can tuck my shirt into my pants, and I don't have that hip or tummy-bulge. Y'know the bit of skin that sticks out over the top of your pants? If you don't know what I'm talking about - you've never had weight issues and I hate you. Aaaanywho, I'm just feeling very - svelt today. When I catch my profile in a mirror, I am really happy that it's my body.

I went through my "too small clothes" drawer a couple days ago, and found that I fit into all my "skinny" clothes again. It feels so good to be packing my "fat clothes" away in drawers now. I honestly didn't think I was going to get smaller again.

But hooray!

It's kinda funny, the timing of it though - I feel WAY more attractive lately than I have in a long time (probably since my yoga days in 2003), yet at the same time, I have not even the tiniest bit of patience for relationships. Occaisionally I think that maybe I should put an effort into meeting men again - but before long it turns into "God no. Why the Hell would I put myself through that bullshit???"

I don't remember the setting of my dream(s) last night, but I do remember one bit:

Someone told me he loved me, and I was devistated. It was like that almost-crying-halfway-dizzy-out-of-breath-panic. At first my thought was "I can't say it back. I should, he deserves it, but I can't say it back." I was so afraid of hurting him, and I knew that if I was a good person I would tell him I loved him too, but I couldn't. I realized I couldn't say it because I didn't mean it, and became terrified that I would never mean it. I can remember just thinking it through, over and over again - I don't love. I won't love. I'm not allowed, I won't do it.

I didn't wake up terribly upset or anything, but I could feel this sort-of residual panic. It faded pretty quickly, but it's one of those dreams that kinda sticks around all day, causing problems in your brain...

:) But like I say, I'm in a fine mood. The dream itself is probably just leftovers from a conversation I had with my little sister last week. She is completely shocked by my stance on marriage/relationships/etc. She thinks I'm being entirely extreme/pessimistic/cold. But at the same time, she wasn't really able to argue her position on it. Her only argument really was that her view of it coincided with society's view - therefore it's the best one, or the most accurate one. Which makes no sense to me. Just because most people feel one way, doesn't make it absolute truth.

I feel society has some fucked-up traditions and ideas that I'm not neccessarily comfortable being a part of. To look at something and decide it's not for me - How is that wrong? I don't care if other people do the relationship thing - That's their problem. But why should I keep trying and trying to fit into a pattern that has only ever screwed me over? No one can argue against the fact that the vast majority of relationships end - and when they end, people hurt. People hate. People become entirely new people - just so they can protect themselves from the pain of it. And most people, upon getting out of this horrible situation, run straight into the arms and beds of whoever will take them next.

Why, people? Why don't you think you're enough on your own?

Hahaha... So, that was a total rant, and I missed my point (if I had one to begin with).

In regards to my sister - She wants to marry her boyfriend, and I asked her "how can you think that you can KNOW you'll love him and trust him forever?" I literally can't comprehend believing that any feeling is "forever". She says "of course there's a possibility it'll end, but maybe we will grow old together. Isn't it worth the risk?" And in my mind, it's SO not.

I think part of it is that I can't stand the thought of going through a divorce. So - How do I ensure I'll never get divorced? Never get married. Of course it doesn't help that I want to be a mother one day... That DOES throw a rather large wrench into the Crazy-Cat-Lady plan.

I don't really have a problem with other people's relationships. It's just frustrating to me to see friends who are so so so miserable in their relationships, and feel so trapped. They think they don't have the strength or the means to get out. So they stay. Hating eachother, hating themselves. Why get into a situation that is so likely to wind up like that? And then there are those "No, really, honest - we're perfect" couples. Those couples who tell everyone how perfectly happy they are, and how they have no problems - No conflicts - No issues whatsoever. And I can see their problems bright as day, but I don't tell, because they wouldn't listen anyway. And suddenly, something gives, and everyone's SO surprised that another relationship has ended. Gasp.

I don't know. And it's not like I don't WANT to trust someone so completely, I just find it - hard to believe. I don't put a Heck of a lot of trust into almost anyone - And I really can't imagine a situation where I would decide to lend that trust, and take on that vulnerability.

I guess it would make a difference if I ever met a man I felt was like me. I feel like every man I've ever had a relationship with falls so short of what I deserve. I'm not even being a princess here - The men I have had relationships with don't own cars, don't work much. Don't have plans, couldn't care less. They expect me to take care of them. Tell them what to do, or just do it for them. I felt sorry for them, I thought they deserved a chance to prove themselves. I used to go out of my way FAR more than I should, to make these guys feel loved - even though they weren't. Not by me, anyway.

I deserve someone who's not looking for a free ride.

And I know there are amazing men out there - men who care, men who are intelligent. Men who work hard and have a sparkle to their personality. That's all I want. A little bit of passion. A little bit of intelligence. They do exist. But they don't want me. They tell me I'm attractive. They tell me I'm amazing and special. They tell me they adore me - if only they weren't married or too busy or living far far away.

I suppose it's possible that I'll meet a man who is intelligent and driven and who adores me so much that I put that love and trust in him - I just don't find it likely, is all. And so why should I spend my life pining away for a situation that I don't really truly believe in?

So I guess what I was getting at was just an explanation of where my dream probably came from. A fear perhaps of protecting myself too well? Isolating myself from emotion too securely? I don't know. All I know is that I have to protect myself. I'm the only one looking out for me.

*sigh* (great big one). Okay, so - I actually got distracted from this, and came back to it and read it, and I apologize if I sound angry or whiny - I really don't feel angry or whiny. It's just hard to get my point across sometimes.

I rant and rave, and sometimes I convey my feelings well and sometimes they seem like a jumbled mass of nothing. Take them as you will.

Common Dreamscapes...

So, I don't know whether or not this is true for everyone, but my dreams have a tendency to take place in common settings. There are a few that I know very well, and can remember quite clearly when I'm awake - but there are others of course, that I can never remember unless I'm there.

I'd like to record some of my dream details here, because I used to be so closely connected to my dreams and I want to get back there. The best way to allow my conscious brain into my sub-conscious, is to do as much as I can to get my sub-conscious into my conscious. Make sense?

So, even if I'm not remembering all my dreams every night, I can often remember little bits of them, or at least know some details about the environment.

Today I'm going to describe one of my really common dreamscapes...

At the top of a tall, tall, building - like an office building, there is a place on the top floor - it's like a restaurant or a lounge, only there are these little pools as well as tables. The pools are like hotsprings - they look natural or very very old. Made of stone, dark and deep. The water is warm and comforting. The whole place is REALLY dark, and has a greenish tone to it. It's like I'm looking at it through dark green glass. There is some fear associated with the dark water, but these dreams are not really bad ones. In my dreams, I come here after work. I am dressed professionally - heels, suit, make-up, etc. Sometimes I arrive with someone, and sometimes I am meeting someone there - But it's always someone I don't know in real life. When I come to this place, there is a very slight feeling of fear, like perhaps this place can be dangerous - Or perhaps it is just the unknown. Despite the darkness though, this place is generally good. There are people all around, at the tables or in the pools - eating, drinking, chatting in hushed tones. I always get into one of the pools, rather than sitting at a table. I am alone and naked in the pool, though sometimes I'm talking to someone sitting on the edge. When I am in the pool, I hold onto the edge, and I feel warm and relaxed. I seem to be very aware of this setting, somehow. I remember paying attention to the details when last I dreamt of this place - I felt fascinated by it, and wanted to remember.

So I did.

I don't really know how long I've been dreaming of this place - Not long, relatively speaking. Longer than a couple months, but certainly less than a year. Maybe it's been within the last six months? Can't be sure.

So - any dream decoders out there? What do you think? Any fantastic ideas as to why I wind up in this place so often when I fall asleep?

Has anyone else ever dreamt of a place like this, or does it remind anyone of a place that actually exists?

I'd be interested to hear...

But for now, it's time for me to do a little more work and go home.

Tah!