Content today

Today I feel good. I'm content. I'm not ridiculously-bouncing-off-the-walls-happy, but I'm good. I feel okay.

To those of you following my recent eating thing - I've discovered that I can drink smoothies even when I can't stomach the thought of anything else. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it's not solid? I'm not sure. But I've found that when I'm starved and sick and need to eat SOMETHING, a smoothie is almost always a success. And I know there's a lot of sugar in smoothies, but at least I'm getting SOME nutrients along with it. Better than coffee, anyway - so it's a step up.

And although it's perhaps a poor choice of editing to put this next paragraph immediately after the one talking about not eating enough, please just trust me that the weight loss thing is in no way on purpose - I've never starved myself to lose weight, and I'm not about to start. This weight loss is a side-effect, not a reason.

But today I realized that I can tuck my shirt into my pants, and I don't have that hip or tummy-bulge. Y'know the bit of skin that sticks out over the top of your pants? If you don't know what I'm talking about - you've never had weight issues and I hate you. Aaaanywho, I'm just feeling very - svelt today. When I catch my profile in a mirror, I am really happy that it's my body.

I went through my "too small clothes" drawer a couple days ago, and found that I fit into all my "skinny" clothes again. It feels so good to be packing my "fat clothes" away in drawers now. I honestly didn't think I was going to get smaller again.

But hooray!

It's kinda funny, the timing of it though - I feel WAY more attractive lately than I have in a long time (probably since my yoga days in 2003), yet at the same time, I have not even the tiniest bit of patience for relationships. Occaisionally I think that maybe I should put an effort into meeting men again - but before long it turns into "God no. Why the Hell would I put myself through that bullshit???"

I don't remember the setting of my dream(s) last night, but I do remember one bit:

Someone told me he loved me, and I was devistated. It was like that almost-crying-halfway-dizzy-out-of-breath-panic. At first my thought was "I can't say it back. I should, he deserves it, but I can't say it back." I was so afraid of hurting him, and I knew that if I was a good person I would tell him I loved him too, but I couldn't. I realized I couldn't say it because I didn't mean it, and became terrified that I would never mean it. I can remember just thinking it through, over and over again - I don't love. I won't love. I'm not allowed, I won't do it.

I didn't wake up terribly upset or anything, but I could feel this sort-of residual panic. It faded pretty quickly, but it's one of those dreams that kinda sticks around all day, causing problems in your brain...

:) But like I say, I'm in a fine mood. The dream itself is probably just leftovers from a conversation I had with my little sister last week. She is completely shocked by my stance on marriage/relationships/etc. She thinks I'm being entirely extreme/pessimistic/cold. But at the same time, she wasn't really able to argue her position on it. Her only argument really was that her view of it coincided with society's view - therefore it's the best one, or the most accurate one. Which makes no sense to me. Just because most people feel one way, doesn't make it absolute truth.

I feel society has some fucked-up traditions and ideas that I'm not neccessarily comfortable being a part of. To look at something and decide it's not for me - How is that wrong? I don't care if other people do the relationship thing - That's their problem. But why should I keep trying and trying to fit into a pattern that has only ever screwed me over? No one can argue against the fact that the vast majority of relationships end - and when they end, people hurt. People hate. People become entirely new people - just so they can protect themselves from the pain of it. And most people, upon getting out of this horrible situation, run straight into the arms and beds of whoever will take them next.

Why, people? Why don't you think you're enough on your own?

Hahaha... So, that was a total rant, and I missed my point (if I had one to begin with).

In regards to my sister - She wants to marry her boyfriend, and I asked her "how can you think that you can KNOW you'll love him and trust him forever?" I literally can't comprehend believing that any feeling is "forever". She says "of course there's a possibility it'll end, but maybe we will grow old together. Isn't it worth the risk?" And in my mind, it's SO not.

I think part of it is that I can't stand the thought of going through a divorce. So - How do I ensure I'll never get divorced? Never get married. Of course it doesn't help that I want to be a mother one day... That DOES throw a rather large wrench into the Crazy-Cat-Lady plan.

I don't really have a problem with other people's relationships. It's just frustrating to me to see friends who are so so so miserable in their relationships, and feel so trapped. They think they don't have the strength or the means to get out. So they stay. Hating eachother, hating themselves. Why get into a situation that is so likely to wind up like that? And then there are those "No, really, honest - we're perfect" couples. Those couples who tell everyone how perfectly happy they are, and how they have no problems - No conflicts - No issues whatsoever. And I can see their problems bright as day, but I don't tell, because they wouldn't listen anyway. And suddenly, something gives, and everyone's SO surprised that another relationship has ended. Gasp.

I don't know. And it's not like I don't WANT to trust someone so completely, I just find it - hard to believe. I don't put a Heck of a lot of trust into almost anyone - And I really can't imagine a situation where I would decide to lend that trust, and take on that vulnerability.

I guess it would make a difference if I ever met a man I felt was like me. I feel like every man I've ever had a relationship with falls so short of what I deserve. I'm not even being a princess here - The men I have had relationships with don't own cars, don't work much. Don't have plans, couldn't care less. They expect me to take care of them. Tell them what to do, or just do it for them. I felt sorry for them, I thought they deserved a chance to prove themselves. I used to go out of my way FAR more than I should, to make these guys feel loved - even though they weren't. Not by me, anyway.

I deserve someone who's not looking for a free ride.

And I know there are amazing men out there - men who care, men who are intelligent. Men who work hard and have a sparkle to their personality. That's all I want. A little bit of passion. A little bit of intelligence. They do exist. But they don't want me. They tell me I'm attractive. They tell me I'm amazing and special. They tell me they adore me - if only they weren't married or too busy or living far far away.

I suppose it's possible that I'll meet a man who is intelligent and driven and who adores me so much that I put that love and trust in him - I just don't find it likely, is all. And so why should I spend my life pining away for a situation that I don't really truly believe in?

So I guess what I was getting at was just an explanation of where my dream probably came from. A fear perhaps of protecting myself too well? Isolating myself from emotion too securely? I don't know. All I know is that I have to protect myself. I'm the only one looking out for me.

*sigh* (great big one). Okay, so - I actually got distracted from this, and came back to it and read it, and I apologize if I sound angry or whiny - I really don't feel angry or whiny. It's just hard to get my point across sometimes.

I rant and rave, and sometimes I convey my feelings well and sometimes they seem like a jumbled mass of nothing. Take them as you will.