Dream - Helicopters

Plus Fifteen Spatulas, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Dreams last night...

Earlier in the dream, I vaguely remember being friends with Rosie O'Donnell. We were in the kitchen, baking something. She had a kid I was helping take care of. The overall feelings were good. Happy, comfortable, friendly, loving.

We were preparing for a party of some sort, and I had to drive somewhere with Darrell Smith, a kid I went to Junior High School with. On our way back home, the police had the road blocked. They wouldn't let us through, and we couldn't tell what was going on. We found our way home by other streets.

When we returned 'home', I was in downtown Calgary, in a skyscraper. I was on approximately the 5th floor, and one wall was all windows. It may have been an art gallery of sorts - I was looking at colorful pieces of artwork, and I was in awe at how beautiful they were. I was really struck by the amazing beauty of it, and felt great respect for the artist.

There were people milling about, and there was a small black helicopter outside. Its tail swung around toward the building we were in, and I thought "Wow, that came really close to the window". And then it swung around again and did shatter the window, and the helicopter crashed.

Everybody started screaming and running, and I was outside. More helicopters crashed, and I called my dad to tell him what was going on. He told me not to worry, and that it was probably nothing serious. I looked up and a big white helicopter was falling towards me. I ran, and it crashed, and slid towards me. I managed to avoid it, but was suddenly dodging another falling helicopter. I told my dad I thought I was going to die. I was trying to say goodbye to him, but kept having to run and hide.

I found myself huddled indoors with dozens of other people, and we were all silent, trying not to be heard. I wanted to keep talking to my dad, but had to stay quiet. Then we saw through the windows that more helicopters were crashing into the building we were in.

~~~

I woke up to Brian asking me if I was okay. I was curled up against his back and shaking, breathing these short, panicked gasps. It took me a moment to realize I wasn't about to be crushed to death by a helicopter. Even after I realized it was a dream, my heart kept pounding, and I had to consciously slow my breathing. I sat up and drank some water, and eventually was able to go back to sleep.

~~~

This was an especially vivid dream. I was genuinely surprised and confused when I woke up in my bed and realized I'd been dreaming.

I'm not really sure where this dream came from. The mix of extremes (being so joyful and amazed at the beautiful artwork, and then suddenly so afraid for my life) is strange to me.

I wanted to blog it, because it's been so strong in my mind today. It might help to get it off my chest...

Dreams of Late

Pink, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Lately I've been dreaming lots.

Often I'm on vacation. Mexico, or somewhere like that. It's beautiful, exciting, and I miss Brian. I'm never on vacation with Brian, it's always my family, and Marilyn's family.

Last night I was on vacation somewhere - I don't know where. There was an enclosed swimming pool. I was running, trying to see as much as I could before I had to leave. I saw a big silver head in the distance, and I took photos of it to show to Brian. It reminded me of Burningman. As I was taking photos of it, some guy started talking to me. He knew I must be a Burner, because only a Burner would be so intrigued by the silver head. We talked about Burningman, he had pink hair. And then I decided to wander back, because I knew I had to leave soon.

When I got back, Marilyn was calling my name through a huge crowd. She was loading everyone into a minivan to go home. Brianne and Tarah were buying coffee at Tim Hortons for the trip home, so I decided to as well. But when I ordered my coffee, Tarah got angry and was yelling at me for ordering caffeine and sugar, and said I should order something smaller. Brianne got a small hot chocolate, so I did too. It came with 12 free chocolate bars. I had a ton of bags to carry, and kept dropping things. Marilyn's family was waiting for me, and Tarah was yelling at me. I asked her to help me, her response was to yell at me for making unrealistic demands on her. She was like, "can we please not go through this again? Can you please just hold your tongue? Do we really need to do this again?" And I ignored her.

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Three nights ago, I dreamt about a little girl I used to babysit. Her name's Melanie, and she was 2. In my dream, I carried her around and cuddled her, and played with her. Her mom was getting ready to leave, and giving me instructions for bathing and dressing Melanie. Her mother put her in a drawer, but I took her out again because I wanted to hold her.

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The next night, I dreamt I was babysitting Melanie again. This time I was also babysitting her sisters, Lindsay and Kimberly. Their mother had left a meal in the fridge, but the girls had just eaten when I got there. So they weren't hungry, and I didn't cook dinner.

The doorbell rang, and it was a man, saying he was there to babysit. I said I was the babysitter and there must be a mix-up. He said "No, I was asked to come help you because I can stay up later than you." I told him that when I used to babysit for them I was a lot younger. But that now I'm plenty old enough to stay up until the parents get home. But he came in anyway, and said that he was hungry. And then more people showed up for dinner. Both my sisters, and my mom came to the door, saying they were invited over for dinner. Then I realized that the meal in the fridge wasn't for the girls, it was for all the guests who were arriving. I tried to call Brian to help me, but didn't have a chance to.

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Lots of dreams lately, might keep posting them. Might not. Can't tell.

In a Different Place and Time

Ceiling Fan, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I haven't been online in a while. I mean, I've still been checking up on my favorite websites and blogs and finding new ones, but I haven't been posting anything.

I'm not checking Facebook regularly, I haven't even been looking at Flickr.

Last November I started a photo project which demanded a self portrait each week for a year. I made it up to week 20-something. I feel guilty for having quit the project. Part of me wants to go back to it, but most of me really doesn't.

Sometimes I just don't want my face online. Sometimes I don't feel like sharing with the world.

I went through a period of hiding, trying to figure things out on my own. Not wanting to share or reach out to the world.

I eventually managed to sort things out and pull my thoughts into a more positive place, but with that came the desire to try new things. So again, my online persona (and camera) got ignored.

I still don't know if I feel ready to share with the online universe again, but I thought I'd just poke my head up, and say - I'm still around, but in a different sort of way.

I have been taking some photos still, but am quite behind on posting them (I'm still posting from February). And none of them are self portraits. Perhaps I'll get back to that, but I can't promise.

I have ideas, but lack the motivation perhaps to make them happen in most cases.

I am most of the way through a Photoshop class at ACAD, which has been fun. I still don't feel like I have a REAL handle on the program, but I have enough basic knowledge to play around with it and figure out what I want to. But the key is to make myself DO it.

Mostly, I tend to blame the fact that I never want to be on my computer when I'm at home. It's up in my office, away from Brian and the kitties. I sit in front of a computer away from Brian all day, and really enjoy the time we spend together at home on evenings and weekends. So to dissappear upstairs by myself seems odd.

So, what have I been spending my time on? Mostly domestic stuff. I tend to be a slob, and housework is one of my most hated tasks. But I've been trying hard to work on that. Part of why I hate it so much is that it is ALWAYS there, hanging over my head as something I haven't done, and is too big to deal with right now. So I'm trying to change my view of it. I'm working really hard at doing a little bit of it often, and eventually I'll get on top of it. Also things like cleaning AS I cook, etc. My house is gradually getting cleaner and more organized. I still have a long way to go, but at least I'm on my way.

I've also been doing a bit of cooking. Trying new recipes. Being newly vegetarian has forced Brian and I to try a lot of different recipes we've never had before. I'm also working on cutting as much dairy out of my diet as possible. I'm not going vegan, as I'm still eating eggs and honey. And I'm not even quitting dairy, just cutting out as much of it as I can, wherever I can. If we go out for dinner, it's practically impossible to be vegetarian AND dairy-free. So for now it's just when I'm at home, and on the rare occaision when I can find dairy-free options in restaurants.

I'm hoping the lack of dairy will help with my chronic skin problems. I've read a lot that seems to indicate that it should.

I've been excercising a lot too - taking classes at the Y. My favorite classes are the Stability ball and BOSU classes.

Spring is here as well, which also takes my focus outside. Working in the yard, going out with friends. Rarely do I want to sit inside at my computer when it's so beautiful and newly warm outside.

I do hope to get excited about my camera again, and get back to creating some beauty I want to share.