Feb. 21.

Purple Sea, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I was sick last week. Getting mostly over the cold by now. Still some coughing and a headache, but nothing serious. Back to work tomorrow. I am stressed out about work. Like, serious knot-in-stomach stressed. Don't really know why, can't really explain it. I think I'll be fine, but what I think and feel are usually two separate things.

My birthday is this week. My 'family' birthday dinner worries me, as usual. Something else I can't logically explain.

My dreams have been vivid, which makes me glad. I love when my dreams get vivid and detailed. When the spin is good, they're like little mini vacations.

Speaking of mini vacations, B and I drove out to Banff last weekend, and Canmore today. Our tiny escapes are important for our psyches, but they also mean we ignore our home. It's tough to find the balance sometimes, between work, home, and escape.

I'm loving my drawing class. I will definitely be taking more classes in the fall. But I'm struggling with whether or not I should apply as a 'real' part-time student. Should I be taking classes I can get credits for? I mean, it would take ten or twenty years to actually obtain a degree, one or two classes at a time. And I'm worried about it cutting down my options. Would I need to choose a 'direction' right away? If I stick with the 'credit free' classes, I can take whichever class tickles my fancy each semester. I'll never have any 'credits' to show for it, but do I need them? I'll love the journey, regardless.

I'm just excited to feel like an artist again. I want to feed that side of me. Honestly, I want to give it more than I can afford to. I know I need to stay practical. But again, logic has nothing to do with what I feel.

I was digging through some old photos from our trip to Europe, and found this one. I took it at Montorosso, Italy. There is something in the look on my face here, my eyes, my mouth, I don't know... Something struck me.

And now, although I'm avoiding it, because it means the weekend is over and the week is about to start... I need to go to bed. It's a quarter past eleven, and I've got a BIG week ahead of me...

Dreams & Stuff.

They've been about travel lately, and water. But that's not new. I'd say 95% of my dreams are about travel, and largely involve water. Some vivid scenes of late:

Somewhere tropical, perhaps Jamaica. Stormy and wet, but warm and exotic. Buildings - rooftops and towers. A feeling of exploration, and discovery. A specific scene that I think was related to this dream...

I find a bench along a coastline, much like my 'Brandi Bench' (I have a little wooden bench since I was a baby, that has colorful puzzle pieces in it, that spell my name.) - Only it wasn't my name on it. At first I thought it was my sister's bench, but it didn't spell her name either. I spent some time trying to read it, trying to work out the puzzle to read what it said. Eventually I realized that it was Cyrillic. In actuality, it was this bench that taught me to spell my name. I wonder if this dream was my brain reaching back to that time, so long ago? Seeing the letters, and trying to fit them together into a word?

Last night I dreamed I was in Australia. I found a little creature that needed rescue. It was a weird little creature. It was about the size (and shape) of a softball. It was really round, and not furry. Its surface was skin, and it had big eyes, and cute features. When I found it, it was really dehydrated, and I scooped it up to help it. I was near a zoo, and so went there to see if they would help. I spent a long time wandering around in the zoo, looking at the animals... Specifically I remember a kitten enclosure. Ha-ha. I know. But they were cute. And there was a snake building, but I refused to go in. I told someone that snakes were the reason I didn't want to go to Australia in the first place, and they offered to show me some friendly ones. I declined. One other thing that I really vividly remembered from this portion of the dream was an underwater exhibit. It was like a huge auditorium, with a massive (like 5 stories high) u-shaped window into an underwater seascape. Coral reefs, and brightly colored fish. I was completely mesmerized by this, and only agreed to leave when I was reminded I had a creature to save. The zoo told me they couldn't help, but sent me to a place that would help. We (some friends I was with, though no one I actually know) piled into a van, and drove to a little strip mall, with a costume shop in it. We had to dress in costumes before we went in, but discovered that they did, indeed have a animal rescue shelter in the back. The costume shop was a fundraising front. They bought the little dehydrated softball creature from me, and promised to nurse it back to health. Out front in the parking lot, there was a guy with a really old, mostly falling-apart van. It was bright green, and the doors were in the front of the van. Don't ask me how that works, but in my dream it made sense and was totally AWESOME. The inside of the van was all covered in different shades of green fun-fur. It was old, and had certainly seen better days, but was very much loved. I had a conversation with the van owner, and said something about having only been to Australia a couple times, but only on short little day-trips.

And then I woke up.

I dunno man. My dream world can be fun sometimes.

In other news...

I've had a wicked cold for a week, and have been home from work. I think I'll make it into the office tomorrow though.

I've been neglecting my self-portraits. I can't decide if I should force myself back into it, or just cut and run.

I lost my virginity 10 years ago yesterday. TMI? Whatever, it's my blog.

I was just contacted by a once-very-close-friend I haven't seen in like 10 years. No connection to the previous bit.

I turn 28 in a week. My little sister turns 26 on the same day.

And I... Have very little else to report at this time.

Goodnight.

Huh.

Do you ever get kinda weirded out by life?

I feel, emotionally like I am at some sort of crossroads. I can't really identify what it is, but I feel suddenly different about so many things. I feel like I need to be creative. I feel like I need to pay attention to my artsy side. I feel almost dishonest with myself or something. I don't know, I can't explain.

I'm starting an art class in January. A drawing class at ACAD. I'm so excited, because I haven't been in an art class in ~10 years. I've been wanting to go to art school all my life. I mean, more than that, even. More than I'm going to go into here.

Somehow I've always had these excuses. These reasons not to do it. I can't even count how many times I've looked at the ACAD calendar, read through all the courses, ranked the classes, planned out which ones to take. But always something would come up. I'd get sick, or busy, or I get focused on something else. I was just never able to get started.

But then I realized, I don't have to have it ALL planned out before I begin. I keep stopping because I can't see how it'll all turn out. I'm not sure what life has in store, and so I don't know what decisions to make about it. But the things I do right now are not just about the future, they're about right now as well.

This is a recurring theme for me, perhaps. I can recall a few times in my life when faced with potentially life-altering decisions, and I make no decision, for fear of making the wrong decision.

This art class is such an exciting thing for me, I can't even describe it. When I finish this class, I'll be better equipped to take another step, even if I still don't know where it will lead. It can't hurt.

There are strange things going on in my family that I don't quite understand yet. And my health is not peak. I am not enamored with my job. These things add to my desire to just close myself off and create. Ugh. Why can't I just be content with the crap I have to do?

Buh. Now I'm just moaning and complaining. Life is weird. That's not news to anyone.

B and I are taking the day off work tomorrow, we might head up to Bragg Creek. He's lived in this city for 15 years, and never been there. It's time.

Oh - PS, last night I dreamt of Vancouver. We moved to Vancouver and were hanging out on the beach. There was a tidal wave, and we had to run down the street to avoid it, but everyone told us not to worry, and that it happens all the time - no biggie. I pointed out to Brian that some children are burying themselves in the sand, under shallow water. We were trying to find help for our friend C (who in actuality we are no longer in contact with, but were close with at one time). We found some sort of park ranger, and when we brought him back to C, he started talking to another woman I didn't recognize. He called her Nicki. I kept telling him, 'no, it's C that needs help, not that other chick'. But he keeps talking to Nicki, trying to help Nicki. I believe at some point in this dream that I was also trying to explain my fear of water to someone.

Dreams

An Octopuss' Garden in the Shade, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Both B and I have been sleeping terribly for about a week. His cat is peeing on us, my cats are loud (meowing and chasing things around the floor), and when they're not being problems, our minds won't calm down. Mentally we can't rest, and physically we can't get comfortable enough to rest. I don't know what's up. Generally I think if I can't sleep I'm not being active enough in my day, but I've 'upped' my physical activity this week, and still no sleep to be had. On top of all this, I've had a return to my extremely vivid, active dreams. I wasn't remembering details earlier in the week, but the past couple of nights I have...

The night before last...
The first thing I remember was like 4 visual snapshots, or stills. First, I looked out the window, and saw a guy I don't know in my front yard. Second snapshot, he made eye contact with me and I alerted Brian. Third, he was trying to get in through the window, and fourth - he was in. He owned a Westy, and wanted to chat with Brian about it. Brian was excited, as he always is with other westy owners. He wanted to go for a ride, and I didn't trust the guy but couldn't tell Brian 'no'. I told him to be careful and be back soon. He said he wouldn't be back for weeks, because it was a boat and they were going far out to sea. The Atlantic sea, even. I was afraid for him, but he had his mind set on it. I dreamed of extremely stormy seas, and I was so afraid he would not come home. I also saw a map of the East coast of Canada from above, and was surprised to see that the land was formed in almost 'shelves', running south to north. Each section of sea, between the strip of rocky land, was for a different country. If you're from Russia, you come to Canada here. If you're from Germany, you come in here. Hard to explain, kinda.

In another section of my dream, we were dining with our friends R&K. An engagement ring arrived for one of us, but we weren't sure who it was from, or for. (In real life, R&K are engaged, but I don't think they were in my dream) Later R pulled me aside and asked how I would respond if B proposed to me, and I said I'd accept, but I doubted he would. R pointed out that just because B says he'll do something doesn't mean he will, and reminded me he's still legally married. I was like 'yeah, I know' and realized we probably won't ever get married.

Later the same night, I dreamed I went to Vancouver to visit our friend K (who lives here in Calgary in actuality). She lived upstairs from the store "Anthropologie", and I was excited to go there, too. Her apartment building was greenish grey, and there was something familiar about it. I can't remember many other details about this section, but it was good, and comfortable. It might have been a "I want to move to Vancouver" dream.

Last night...
A baby girl and water. As usual when I dream of babies, she wasn't mine biologically, but she was in my care. I was some sort of guardian. At first I was raising her in the forest, teaching her to swim and collect rain water, and something about writing in a book...

Later I dreamed that I was in the basement of this beautiful mansion-like place, where my friends (J&M or D&S - both couples who are already married in real life) were getting married. I woke up late, and my room was attached to a bathroom with a huge jacuzzi in it. In fact, the whole place was a maze of interconnected bedrooms and bathrooms with huge jacuzzis. I was really concerned that I was going to be late for the wedding, so I ran to the next room and drew a bath, and then someone else ran in and said they needed to use this bathroom first, and could I please wait. So I asked them to knock on my door when they were done. They didn't, and when I went back to check, there was someone else in my bathroom. Meanwhile, my getting-married friends were in my bedroom eating a buffet breakfast, and worrying out-loud about my not being ready for the wedding yet. I sat down to eat some french toast, and he (the groom) offered me some yogurt. When I declined, he rolled his eyes, as-if to say "of course you wouldn't chose the healthier option". I found another room, but it had a larger jacuzzi, more like a hot tub - with 10 or 20 people in it. I went back to the other bathroom and there was a baby girl floating in the water, kinda squirming. I jumped in the water in my clothes, and pulled her out and performed CPR. She didn't cry, but she was breathing. I held her and rubbed her back and felt like I would never let go of her. In this portion of the dream, she was a 'stranger' until I saved her. I went back into the other room with the bigger hot tub, and one of the women screamed at me for 'stealing' her baby. I screamed back that I had just saved her from drowning, but she didn't believe me. A screaming fight ensued, she claimed she left her baby far from the water. I was horrified that a mother could be so careless. I didn't want to give her back her baby. I was holding it so tight and there was something about the way it felt, I can't explain.

Brian woke me up somewhere around here, and when I woke up I found I was cradling my boobs like a baby. Ha!

... So... I am not sure of the reasoning behind sharing my dreams, except to get them out of my head. Sometimes they follow me around, 'haunting' me all day, so perhaps this is an attempt to leave them behind and be awake today.

The First Thursday in May

Brigit, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Hello All.

First, I want to start off by rambling on about dreams I had last night because my dreams were vivid, and have stuck with me.

The first part had to do with dive bars and shady people. Trying to fit into a group, but not quite succeeding... Possibly some fair grounds as well... I don't remember much of this first part, but somehow it morphed into...

I'm in a big old beautiful house. There are antiques everywhere, and strange little antique-like things - Chess boards built into tables, etc. Wooden inlaid floors, colors, stories... Then there is a woman. She reminds me of 'the aunt' from Twister. She is warm and loving and maternal - by the end I'm sure she WAS my mother. There was something about discovery of family history. I'm feeling fascinated and overwhelmed by her stories and explanations of what I descended from. Across the street from this house is a little blue cottage on the side of a mountain lake. It's like a little B&B that she runs, and I fawn over it and tell her how wonderful and beautiful it is. Behind the first house, is a great big snowy mountain, and there are wild horses running (and kinda swimming... I actually pointed out to someone - 'Oh look, I didn't know horses could swim in snow like that!') and at some point I hugged 'my mother' and her mother. We were in this 3-way embrace, hugging, and crying - but it was good. Tears of happiness. Makes me think of finally being reunited or finding the answer to a long-time question.

I woke up really tired this morning. Not neccessarily because of my dreams, but possibly partially due to that. I know there was more to my dreams - I feel like I lived an entire lifetime last night!

Of course part of me worries about the whole "hugging and crying and reuniting with my mother and her mother" thing... I mean, it was good but it makes me worry about my grandmother. She is still in the hospital after a stroke a few weeks ago, and she is not doing well. We're not sure she recognizes us, and in some ways we don't recognize her - does that make sense? Anywho, my dream makes me worry in some ways that she'll leave us soon - but then thinking along those lines - should I be afraid for my own life? I'm not, really. Any more so than usual.

Another possible source for that portion of my dream is that I spent some time with my aunt last weekend (my mom's sister), and it was the first time in a long time that we've had one-on-one time. I miss her a lot, and worry that I've hurt or offended her in recent years, but I can't think of what I might have done. I know I hybernate sometimes, so maybe I was afraid of the outside world at a time when she needed me to be a more visible part of the family? I really don't know. But seeing her last weekend was so nice. Definitely a step in the right direction. It was the first time in a long time I've felt a connection to my mom's family (and in some ways my mom) in a long time. And I don't even know if it's the maternal SIDE of my family I've been missing - my counsellor suggested it was WOMEN in my family. Because really, truly, the only blood-family member I remain close to and always have is my dad. Most of my family is female, but they seem far away, like I can't reach them. I've tried for years to reconnect with my little sister, but she closes the door on me again and again. So maybe my aunt is the best person to try to reconnect with, to feel like I have a family again.

These issues, of course, run deeper than this and are more complicated than this (of course - who doesn't have family issues?) but it's something that swirls around inside my brain, so maybe that was a part of where that dream came from... Being happy to feel like I have female family members I can reach out to?

I've been exhausted this week. Brian's in Regina for work, so my routines have been thrown off, which is always exhausting. Plus trouble sleeping, stresses here and there, etc... I've also not been healthy, but I'm sure it's my own fault. Our bodies just react to what we put into them, right? So somehow somethings gone out of whack, I'm sure. I'm trying to focus now and just going back to basics. Keep it simple, natural, KNOW what's in it. Right?

Brian got home last night, and tonight we leave for Vancouver. We'll be spending the mother's day weekend visiting his mother, who lives in White Rock. We're planning to spend a day on the island - which is great, I've never been there before. I LOVE going to places I've never been! Especially a place like this - everyone who's ever known me has warned me that if I ever go to the island, I'll never want to leave. Am I about to add another place to the list of "where I'd rather live than Calgary?"

My friend T and her new tiny baby R are still doing well. He might get to leave the hospital on Monday, which would be AWESOME because I can't wait to meet him!!! He was only born 2 weeks ago, and already I'm like "he's going to grow up and I'm going to miss it!!!" haha.

Aaaanywho, I have a lot of work to do (and my body just wants to sleep, more than anything!!!) but I thought I'd check in and say 'hey'.

Brian and I will likely be updating our little adventure blog here and there this weekend, so if you are interested, come follow along with us at twobsinablog.blogspot.com and otherwise, wish us safety and health in our travels, and I wish it to all of you!

Continuing

Adventure, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Adventure - that's what it's all about right? Be brave, explore, fall down, get hurt, learn, get up, do it all over again. Right? That's the message I'm recieving from the universe recently, anyway. Just do. Be. Make it happen. It doesn't matter if you don't want to, it doesn't matter if you are afraid. Just get up every morning, put one foot in front of the other. Over and over again.

I've been dreaming two major themes lately: Babies and Italy.

The babies are rarely my own. They are other peoples' babies, but I am holding them, caring for them, in a couple cases even raising them. This likely comes from the fact that I have a couple pregnant friends, and I CAN'T WAIT to meet their new little people!

The Italy dreams are vivid and colorful. I am dreaming over and over again about visiting or living in Italy. Generally when I have these dreams I spend the next day completely obsessed with how I could actually go about moving to Italy. But I lucklily have people around me in my life to talk some sense into me. Until next time I dream it.

Brian and I are taking tomorrow off work, and spending the weekend in Banff. We're staying at a fancy hotel, and plan to have some outdoor adventures, and we'll definitely visit the hot springs, and maybe even take advantage of spa packages at our hotel. Also knowing us, and our love of tasty things, I'm sure we'll have some great meals too.

We used to embark on random little adventures at least monthly, even if it was just driving around Southern Alberta taking pictures and looking for abandoned stuff. Since our trip to Europe in the fall, our only trip was Vancouver over Christmas - which was a little stressful for a few reasons. We are in desparate need of an escape from Calgary, even if it's just a short one.

Today is quiet inside me, because one of Brian's co-workers committed suicide this week. I don't think I ever met him, but it shocked me all the same. Even from a distance, I am so sorry about this. For everyone who was in his life, I hurt for them, and hate that they have to go through the experience of losing him like this. Apparently he had two daughters. I can't even begin to imagine what they are going through. I think they are in their teens. I know what it is like to suddenly lose a parent too soon, but not to suicide. I'm sure it's an entirely different thing, and... Just an unimaginable tragedy.

Music has been very powerful for me lately - I've gone in phases with it all my life, but at its peak, music can be an amazingly strong force in me. I have to be careful with it though, because my favorite music has always been a little on the depressing/emotional side, and it can change my mood in the span of a song - or even a verse. In late January/early February I was afraid to listen to music for fear of what I might hear in it. I've been back to music in the past month or so now, and it absolutely helps me be strong or to understand how things are - but yes, sometimes I'll hear just the wrong song at just the wrong moment, and be completely crushed by the weight of it.

Something I'm finding really fascinating about music these days is how any one song can be taken in SO many different ways. When I was about 15 or 16 I listened to Sarah McLachlan's "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy" over and over and over again for months, and I felt like I understood every word, as though every song on it was written almost directly for me. It helped me through a lot of emotional turmoil, and has always remained an important album for me - And I've noticed that in the past month or so, when I hear songs from that album, I feel like I'm hearing some of them for the first time. Hearing them from different angles, new points-of-view - they are completely new songs.

Ha - and as I'm typing this, listening to my iPod (2500 songs on random), Fear just came on - from the above mentioned album. This song used to move me to tears. It still gives me goosebumps. Woo - yup, goosebumps all up and down me.

I am so deeply in love with music right now. Is there anything more spectacular?

So, in that vein - I've added a Last.fm widget to my blog - it automatically lists the top 7 artists I've listened to in the past week. Apparently I've listened to 3 times as much Regina Spektor as anyone else this week. I believe it.

Regina Spektor is someone I've only recently discovered. I know years ago I had enough people recomend her to me that I searched her out online, but never purchased any of her music. Brian just so happens to have a lot of her music, and I've been listening to her a lot lately. I absolutely love her style. It seems so cute, somehow. Cute, and unapologetic. I'd love to see her live, I feel like it would be difficult not to grin like a fool the whole time. There is humor, but also darkness. She is somehow realistic/blunt but also light-hearted. You can tell she is absolutely brilliant, and that goes a long way in winning my respect.

Speaking of live shows, I'm hoping to see No Doubt either in Calgary or Vancouver when they're around in July. No Doubt was another of my ABSOLUTE favorites when I was in my teens, and I never got to see them live. I'm not a huge fan of Gwen Stefani's solo stuff - it's a little too dance/pop/whatever for my tastes. So I'm really excited that No Doubt is on tour, and perhaps I can see them now, 10 years after I originally fell in love with them.

Better Dreams Last Night

Luna and Sol, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Last night I only remember a bit of my dream. I was holding a baby, and the 'feeling' of the dream was good. I felt nurturing, protective, maternal.

The dream likely came from the fact that we took our cats to the vet last night (annual check-up), so there was lots of holding, petting, cooing, comforting, etc. Yes it was a human baby in my dream and not a cat, but it's probably symbolic. I mean, really - My cats ARE my babies.

Also, as a side-note to that vet trip, I mentioned that Luna (the black one) meows a lot at night. And it's not a quiet mew, either. It's full-on, top-of-her-lungs yowling. She literally sounds like she's in pain. She does it during the day sometimes, here or there - but EVERY night, around 3 or 4am.

So the vet took some blood, and today called me to say that Luna has a hyper-active thyroid. The noise she makes at night is because she is feeling very uncomfortable, like she has too much energy and doesn't really know what to do with it. However, apparently this is rare in young cats, and Luna's only about 4.5 years old. So we're going to run a few more tests to make sure there's nothing else we're missing.

Poor Luna. But at least we kinda know what's going on with her at night. If the further tests don't find anything else, then it sounds like it'll be daily pills for her.
:(

December

To be honest, I hate this month. I know that makes me a bad person, and I apologize. I really wish I could just skip it altogether. But I'm not going to sit here moaning and complaining about it. Just... If I don't seem thrilled, it's December's fault.

My dreams have been mostly of work lately. Work stress. Forgetting to do things, offending people, saying the wrong things, trying to get a point across, but not being heard. Last night it was about codes and regulations and I was arguing over something should be under "this" code or "that" code. And I also remember arguing that traffic collisions should be called collisions, not accidents.

I did spend the last 3 days in a course on CSA Z662... Oil and Gas Pipelines Construction and Inspection Codes. I blame it.

After 3 solid days of being in a course, my already far-to-heavy work load got much worse. Add to that the fact that the year is coming to an end, and I only have like 12 work days left before January. WHAT? The fact that I'm constantly dreaming (nightmaring?) about work crap tells me I'm too stressed-out over it. And of course when I'm having crappy dreams all night, I'm tossing and turning and waking up and not getting a good sleep. Which sends me to work soooo tired, and incapable of taking-on the world. Ya know? The work load builds, I can't do everything to the best of my ability, the stress gets worse, the dreams get worse... It's a never ending cycle. Wtf? Ugh.

And it's Christmas. I promised not to rant about my hatred for Christmas. So I shan't. But. Ugh.

Wow, this is a really crap blog-post. Okay, I'm going to take a cue from Ms. Carter, and list 7 blessings:

1. My pregnant friend sent me pictures from her ultrasound, and in one of them the baby looks like he/she is waving. She and her baby are happy and healthy, which means so much to me.

2. A psychic told me that said friend's baby and I are kindred spirits. I got goosebumps when the psychic was explaining this to me - she said I would look into this baby's eyes, and we would know and understand eachother immediately. When I told my pregnant friend about this, it made her cry - but she assured me they were happy-pregnant-tears.

3. I bought a new camera last weekend. Nikon D90 - It's pretty. It has video capabilities. I've been playing with it a bit, but not enough yet.

4. I signed-up for flex-benefits at work. Last year I procrastinated until after the deadline, so I got the auto-assigned benefits. This year I was able to tailor my benefits to my situation, which left me with enough "flex dollars" to purchase 8 extra vacation days for next year. I already get 3 weeks vacation, plus 12 flex days. So... Next year altold I should have 35 days, or 7 weeks. That's insane. I love it.

5. I am not having financial problems. I have, in the past, endured some very scary financial situations. I am bumping along just fine now, and have to remember that life is SO much better, knowing I can pay my bills and afford to eat.

6. I am part of a healthy and loving relationship. I know so many people out there are not, and like the financial thing, a good or bad relationship has such a profound affect on every aspect of life. Next week is our 2 year anniversary, and we've got reservations for dinner somewhere we've never been. It's a surprise. I like these kinds of surprises. I'm lucky to have the man that I do.

7. My family and friends are all relatively healthy. There have been times when this wasn't so, and I know that there will be sickness and death in the future. But for now, the people I love are okay. And that is amazing.

:) Okay, I actually feel much better now. I am a lucky person. I am in a good situation. Compared to those in my community, my city, my country, I have it good. Compared to millions of women all over the world, I'm fantastically wealthy. How many millions of women in the world are still not allowed to own property? How many entire families live in a home the size of my bedroom? I am amazingly fortunate, and am kind-of ashamed to realize how often I forget that.

Huh.

Last night, I dreamed that Brian asked me to marry him. I thought he was joking. I thought, "if only he were serious. But I know he's not." but then, he produced a ring. It was simple but sparkly. He told me he was serious. I accepted, and was so happy. Awoke not remembering the dream right away, except I knew it had been something positive about Brian. I just wanted to hug him and kiss him and be with him all day. It took me a few moments to fill in the blanks of the rest of the dream.

In actuality, a co-worker of mine showed me her custom-made engagement ring yesterday. This is likely where the dream came from. Really.

The night before last, I dreamt about our bathroom renovations. The tile we have chosen is matte, but in my dream I realized that we really should be using shiny (like glass) tiles in order to make the small space look bigger. Ran this idea past Brian when I was awake. I think he grunted.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last night I dreamt I was in a place like the little European towns we saw. Narrow little cobblestone streets, steep stairs and sharp drops. Everything seems sorta piled on top of itself. I was with Taryn at one point - I think we were shopping, looking in little stores. At one point I walked up the street and turned around and couldn't find her, but then she came out of a store. She was smiling, we were having a great time.

One store was fancy nighties - like, really fancy. Robes, scarves, tassles, beads, silk. The woman who worked inside looked like a fairy or a goddess - flowy, quiet, beautiful.

I may have been looking for a hotel with my little sister at some point. Eventually we wound up drinking with my co-worker Sarah. The drink I had was Absynthe and soda water or something - it was a soft green color and it foamed and fizzed, and it tasted REALLY good. I told my sister her mouth was glowing green, and she told me mine was too. Sarah and I tried to stumble back to our hotel, but we were so drunk we just kept laughing and falling over.

Dreams, Grandmothers, Memories

While I was on vacation (about 20 days in Germany, Austria, Italy and Switzerland) I dreamed almost exclusively of my mom. She was in my dreams every night for the first two weeks - only after that did I stop remembering a lot of my dreams. The dreams were varied - some were nightmares, others were not. In some of them she's alive and others she's not. A couple times she was even off in the background, not a part of the 'story line', but just my mom.

I don't remember a lot of the details anymore (almost a month later) unfortunately.

Last night I dreamed about my Grandma Hamilton. Again, unfortunately, the details are vague. All I know is that I was hanging out with my dad's grandmother, my great-grandmother.

Actual memories are these:
Ella Hamilton was born in 1900, and passed away in 1996. I was 14 at the time and I remember her wake. Mary-Jo and Bob sang a folk song about doves, and we all talked about our favorite things about her. I spoke about the fact that she named all of her stuffed animals on her bed at the nursing home. Every time we visited her, she told us all of their names. The only one I remember is a puppy-dog named 'Lovey'. In my mental image of her, she's laughing. Everything about her seems soft and fragile. She would pull coins out of a film canister for us, so my little sister and I could go buy pop or chocolate bars from the vending machine down the hall.

I also have a very vague memory of her which I believe is a much older one, where we are in her apartment with the lion on it and the curvy balcony-rails. She is wearing a green and white dress and apron, and she gave us Guylian chocolates. In this memory I almost think my mom was there instead of my dad - but they split up in 1987 (I think), so that would make me like 5 years old or younger in this memory, and I'm not sure I have memories that far back. How old do people's earliest memories tend to be?

Dreams of Vacation

The Old Reflections Factory, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I haven't been recording my dreams much. I mean to, but only have time to do it in the evenings - and by then I've forgotten most of them.

I've been dreaming about work a lot for the past few months. Hints of work are very apparent in most of my recent dreams:

- My entire office department moves into a forest with stairwells in it
- Spreadsheets, searching, sorting, categorization (lots of these)
- Losing files, not being prepared for meetings, embarrassing myself at work
- Remembering tasks that I've forgotten to do at work in real life (literally, this one saved me once!)

But I am happy to report that I have recently also been dreaming about my upcoming vacation. I think I also dream about travel a lot in general, but lately I've been dreaming about my specific upcoming trip. Dreaming that I'm already there.

About a month ago I dreamed we were in Germany already, staying with a woman in a dress and apron with gray hair. I think she had children, and she lived in a tiny stone cottage in a deep green forest by a waterway... Sort of a waterfall or stream, but it was a brick waterway. It meandered like a stream though, and it was steep in places. I remember climbing and playing in it. Lots of green moss on green stones shaped like bricks. It was a good dream - I felt playful and happy and adventurous. I may have been young (7-14?) in at least parts of this dream, but I definitely had the knowledge that I was in Germany throughout.

Last night I dreamed of tours and of white water rafting in Germany. I don't even know where the white water rafting comes from, but it's what I dreamed. Again, the feeling was excitement and fun and adventure. I spoke to a guy who was some kind of tour guide maybe, or a local - telling me where I should eat and stay. There may have been something about language - he may have been trying to teach me German.

Wouldn't it be great to just wake up speaking German?

If you care to follow along on our actual adventure, go here:

www.twobsinablog.blogspot.com

New Dream - Pyro Ghosts

Yellow Flowers, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I only remember glimpses of my dream last night...

I was sleeping in an attic. There were other girls there - possibly my little sister, possibly friends from highschool. It was a dark bedroom, old grey/brown cots and blankets. Some tragedy may have befallen us - We didn't want to be here, but knew it was the best place for us.

The place was haunted by babies/children who had died there. There was a heater that looked like a fan (I think I saw one irl at Costco last weekend), but I was worried that it seemed like a fire hazard. I turned it off, but then things started moving and it was obvious the baby/child ghosts were unhappy. They made noises and frightened us until we turned the heater back on. They were only quiet/still when the heater was on.

Later in the dream I saw the heater leaning up against one of the beds, and the blanket was smoking, about to catch fire. I lept to turn it off, but then whoever I was with tried to stop me from turning it off, because we didn't want to upset the spirits in the place.

We figured out that the babies/children must have frozen to death in that place, and when we turned off the heater they thought we were trying to hurt them all over again. Eventually it came clear that they wanted to burn the place down.

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Like I say, I only remember bits from it... Brian thinks I should write more, and my dreams seem to be an easy place for me to start. Sometimes I try to wait for the REALLY big/amazing/vivid/spectacular ones, but maybe recording the more vague/normal ones is a good thing too. Dunno...

Dream - Helicopters

Plus Fifteen Spatulas, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Dreams last night...

Earlier in the dream, I vaguely remember being friends with Rosie O'Donnell. We were in the kitchen, baking something. She had a kid I was helping take care of. The overall feelings were good. Happy, comfortable, friendly, loving.

We were preparing for a party of some sort, and I had to drive somewhere with Darrell Smith, a kid I went to Junior High School with. On our way back home, the police had the road blocked. They wouldn't let us through, and we couldn't tell what was going on. We found our way home by other streets.

When we returned 'home', I was in downtown Calgary, in a skyscraper. I was on approximately the 5th floor, and one wall was all windows. It may have been an art gallery of sorts - I was looking at colorful pieces of artwork, and I was in awe at how beautiful they were. I was really struck by the amazing beauty of it, and felt great respect for the artist.

There were people milling about, and there was a small black helicopter outside. Its tail swung around toward the building we were in, and I thought "Wow, that came really close to the window". And then it swung around again and did shatter the window, and the helicopter crashed.

Everybody started screaming and running, and I was outside. More helicopters crashed, and I called my dad to tell him what was going on. He told me not to worry, and that it was probably nothing serious. I looked up and a big white helicopter was falling towards me. I ran, and it crashed, and slid towards me. I managed to avoid it, but was suddenly dodging another falling helicopter. I told my dad I thought I was going to die. I was trying to say goodbye to him, but kept having to run and hide.

I found myself huddled indoors with dozens of other people, and we were all silent, trying not to be heard. I wanted to keep talking to my dad, but had to stay quiet. Then we saw through the windows that more helicopters were crashing into the building we were in.

~~~

I woke up to Brian asking me if I was okay. I was curled up against his back and shaking, breathing these short, panicked gasps. It took me a moment to realize I wasn't about to be crushed to death by a helicopter. Even after I realized it was a dream, my heart kept pounding, and I had to consciously slow my breathing. I sat up and drank some water, and eventually was able to go back to sleep.

~~~

This was an especially vivid dream. I was genuinely surprised and confused when I woke up in my bed and realized I'd been dreaming.

I'm not really sure where this dream came from. The mix of extremes (being so joyful and amazed at the beautiful artwork, and then suddenly so afraid for my life) is strange to me.

I wanted to blog it, because it's been so strong in my mind today. It might help to get it off my chest...

Dreams of Late

Pink, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Lately I've been dreaming lots.

Often I'm on vacation. Mexico, or somewhere like that. It's beautiful, exciting, and I miss Brian. I'm never on vacation with Brian, it's always my family, and Marilyn's family.

Last night I was on vacation somewhere - I don't know where. There was an enclosed swimming pool. I was running, trying to see as much as I could before I had to leave. I saw a big silver head in the distance, and I took photos of it to show to Brian. It reminded me of Burningman. As I was taking photos of it, some guy started talking to me. He knew I must be a Burner, because only a Burner would be so intrigued by the silver head. We talked about Burningman, he had pink hair. And then I decided to wander back, because I knew I had to leave soon.

When I got back, Marilyn was calling my name through a huge crowd. She was loading everyone into a minivan to go home. Brianne and Tarah were buying coffee at Tim Hortons for the trip home, so I decided to as well. But when I ordered my coffee, Tarah got angry and was yelling at me for ordering caffeine and sugar, and said I should order something smaller. Brianne got a small hot chocolate, so I did too. It came with 12 free chocolate bars. I had a ton of bags to carry, and kept dropping things. Marilyn's family was waiting for me, and Tarah was yelling at me. I asked her to help me, her response was to yell at me for making unrealistic demands on her. She was like, "can we please not go through this again? Can you please just hold your tongue? Do we really need to do this again?" And I ignored her.

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Three nights ago, I dreamt about a little girl I used to babysit. Her name's Melanie, and she was 2. In my dream, I carried her around and cuddled her, and played with her. Her mom was getting ready to leave, and giving me instructions for bathing and dressing Melanie. Her mother put her in a drawer, but I took her out again because I wanted to hold her.

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The next night, I dreamt I was babysitting Melanie again. This time I was also babysitting her sisters, Lindsay and Kimberly. Their mother had left a meal in the fridge, but the girls had just eaten when I got there. So they weren't hungry, and I didn't cook dinner.

The doorbell rang, and it was a man, saying he was there to babysit. I said I was the babysitter and there must be a mix-up. He said "No, I was asked to come help you because I can stay up later than you." I told him that when I used to babysit for them I was a lot younger. But that now I'm plenty old enough to stay up until the parents get home. But he came in anyway, and said that he was hungry. And then more people showed up for dinner. Both my sisters, and my mom came to the door, saying they were invited over for dinner. Then I realized that the meal in the fridge wasn't for the girls, it was for all the guests who were arriving. I tried to call Brian to help me, but didn't have a chance to.

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Lots of dreams lately, might keep posting them. Might not. Can't tell.

Dream - Plane Crash

Over There, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I was in my front yard, and I saw a plane flying REALLY low over my house. It flew sharply upwards, around, and then crashed in front of my dad's house. It was a small plane. Long and skinny, but only room for about 3 people up front. The pilot ran away.

When I looked through the windows to see if anyone else was hurt, I saw a father and two children, badly burnt. Barely human anymore. There was a little girl and a little boy, and they had been sitting on their father's lap.

Much of this dream was just sadness, and shock. The scene of those burnt bodies was really brutal. I rarely dream such gruesome things. I don't know what makes it happen.

I think later in the dream my dad was taking the plane apart and trying to put it back together, but the overwhelming part of the dream was that little family, dead.

I woke up with a feeling that things aren't okay. People who don't deserve it are hurting and suffering. I felt a little afraid at the brutality of reality. Too delicate for it.

Due to a current thyroid imbalance, my emotions are heightened, and my control over them is weakened. My theory is that these dreams are coming from that, but then I wake up feeling so disturbed by the dreams, that I start each day upset, worried, afraid, wanting to run away and hide. I'm working on getting it all balanced out. One of these days.

Dream - Dad's Haunted House

Onion House, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Last night I dreamt that my dad bought an old abandoned house. The house was well-known as being haunted, and had been abandoned for decades. He fixed up the outside really nicely - a deck, a hot tub, etc. And put his lawfirm on the main floor.

But upstairs, it was falling apart at the seams. Pieces of the wall fell randomly, and dust shook down from the ceiling everytime someone walked. I could see through the floorboards to the main floor, and was worried for my dad's safety. I told him this, and he was not worried. He said, "Well obviously if I step on a floorboard that breaks, I just won't step there anymore."

My dad is very scientific, and does not even come close to believing in the supernatural. So I joked to him, that some people think his house is haunted, just because it's been abandoned for a while. He answered that yes, it is VERY haunted. I was amazed that he'd been convinced of the supernatural. I knew it MUST be haunted if he believed it. He said the ghosts bang on the walls and the ceiling. I heard some loud banging on the front porch, and he told me that was the ghosts. I was still skeptical, and went to investigate. I thought it must just be the cats. I looked around the corner, down the hall, and saw Spaces (Brian's cat). Then I felt a cat brush my leg, and that was Spaces also. I thought, "How can Spaces be in two places at once?" and then I looked around and found 3 more Spaces. That was my proof that the house was haunted. How could cats multiply if the house wasn't haunted???

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Mostly this dream was less stressful than the one the night before, but there was still tension, over my worry for my dad. Brian thinks that this dream is referring to my actual concern that my dad is making bad decisions - but I don't really know if it's his decisions I worry about. I can't really think of any bad decisions he's made that have really bothered me, but I DO know I worry about him a lot in general - his health, his safety, etc... That's probably where this came from.

And I've been dreaming about haunted houses a LOT lately. About a month ago I dreamt that Brian wanted us to buy a haunted house, and I kept trying to get used to it, but I kept getting scared and needing to escape. Hrm...

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Okay, that's my dream-post for today.

Dreaming...

Purple Pigeons, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

At one point I intended to use this blog as a dream journal. I didn't stick to that for long, but today I find myself wanting to get last night's dream out of my head. And here I shall attempt to do so...

There was a guy - I don't know him in real life - who was upset. Sad, raging, hopeless. Somebody - a male authority to him, possibly a father, a mentor, or a boss - told him that nobody realized that he was "purple". This seemed to relate to some sort of emotion-ranking-system. Like, an emotion-scale or something. Purple was the most extremely dark/hopeless/suicidal color on the scale. No one realized he was there, but he was. And somehow, even after they figured out that he was "purple", they couldn't (or didn't, anyway) do anything about it.

I realized it was up to me to save him, to stop him from committing suicide. At some points I was PHYSICALLY fighting to keep him from throwing himself out the window, and sometimes I was just sitting on a couch with him, talking to him, trying to help him realize that he deserved to live.

At some point, I noticed the time - 1:22am. I realized that it was late, and I was going to be USELESS at work the next day, and worried I would get fired if I didn't get some sleep. But knew that this guy's life was more important than my getting sleep - and hoped my bosses would see it that way.

His family decided they didn't like me meddling in their business, and made it clear that they meant to harm me. A portion of my dream was spent trying to run from that family, but trying to protect the guy at the same time. Lots of hiding, running through hallways and doorways in a buildings I don't recognize.

Another portion of my dream (perhaps relating to my worry about being fired if I was too exhausted), I had like 3 bosses. One of them was my boss from when I worked at Stantec, and she was on the scary/intense side. In my dream, she told me that my job was going to require me to endure a rather invasive surgery. The surgery itself would take a couple days to complete. I don't know what the surgery was for, but my chance of survival was less than half. I called my dad about it, and he said "if that's what your company requires of you, then that's what you have to do. End of story." So I agreed to go through with it, but was terrified I wouldn't survive.

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Then I woke up, a little later than I should have, and felt intensely stressed-out.

I don't know who "guy" was - He was dark-haired, and possibly Italian or something. I don't think we were "involved" in any way in my dream, he was just someone I had to help. He wore sweatpants (navy blue) and no shirt.

The dream took place in a building that was dark, in shades of black/blue/green. I think at some point it was the family's home, but at some point it was an apartment building, where he lived, but his family didn't.

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I've been having really stressful dreams again lately, and so I thought that perhaps if I get conscious of them again, remember them, record them, etc, maybe I can see some patterns and work the bad ones out of my head. Maybe?

We'll see.

Any thoughts on possible symbolism/ideas/etc, is always much appreciated!