Back Again... Hello.

Dark Veranda Room, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I've been away for a while, which was mostly not on purpose. Last I blogged here was in March. Of the things I mentioned there...

The job Brian applied for fell-through, but he's still looking around for work in Vancouver. Apparently his industry is a little saturated out there right now, but I know if it's meant to happen, it will.

On the other topic I spoke of... The changes to my family. My dad married Pam on August 7. It was a beautiful little wedding in their back yard. It was just them, the marriage commissioner, the 5 daughters, and 3 SOs (Adam - Liz's husband, Chris - Brianne's boyfriend, and of course Brian). At least 3 of us daughters bawled when Dad and Pam did their vows. It was such an amazing outpouring of emotion... Completely unbridled. They really are so in love - it's amazing to see, and I'm so so happy for them both.

It was also nice to get to know my new step sisters a little. Brian and I seem to have some stuff in common with Liz and Adam, and it's unfortunate they live so far away. We don't usually make it as far as Castlegar on our little Ziggy road trips, but perhaps we'll make an effort, now that we have a reason to. They spoke of an interest in purchasing some kind of camper van, which we whole-heartedly encouraged - perhaps we can meet halfway for some camping trips down the road.

Also exciting - Liz and Adam are expecting their first baby in February, so I'm gonna be a step-auntie! This excites me to no end. Not only for my own selfish child-adoring reasons, but also because my dad has been whining about wanting grand kids for a few years now, and although it wasn't me or Bri first, I'm happy that he'll get to finally be a grandpa. I've always thought he'll be a great one.

Being summer time, Brian and I are taking full advantage of the warm weather, and doing tons of traveling. We spent most of the month of June on the East Coast, and since getting back we've been out camping in Ziggy pretty-much every second weekend. We've also been photographing a few weddings (4 so-far this year). For full coverage of our wild 'n' crazy travels, as always... Check out our travel blog at www.twobsinablog.ca - we update that fairly regularly.

In late 2009, I gained a bunch of weight, due to various things. Partly health, partly bad food choices and laziness... So in 2010 I decided to try really hard to bring my weight back down to where it should be... I managed to come down about 10-15 pounds by June, then gained it all back on the East Coast. That's what happens when all you do is eat and drink. Ha! However, once I returned home, the weight did not go away again - infact I continued to gain. So I'm once again staring myself down, going - This is not okay. This needs to stop. I need to quit pampering myself, and work hard to get back into shape.

I've been totally bored by my workouts at the gym. I decided a couple weeks ago to start attending the lunch hour fitness classes they offer. As a member, it's free for me to drop in, they're different every day of the week, and advanced enough to keep regulars working hard... I attended a few of these classes a couple years ago, and they were so hard I was limping for days, and decided not to go back until I was totally back in shape. But I've now realized that's ridiculous. And if I just suck it up and force my way through them, it'll get me into that fitness level that I'm striving for.

I attended my first ever spin class (followed by a 20 minute core strength class), which was exhausting, but I'm excited to keep it up. This class happens on Fridays.

On Monday, they offer a class called 'Muscle Works' which is what it sounds like - a strength class, using weights and medicine balls. I did that on Monday, and my thighs, bum, and shoulders are insanely sore. Despite this, I still went and did a cardio workout on my own today. I considered the Tuesday class, which is a step aerobics class... But I'm really not an aerobics girl, and I figured the solitary cardio was better than nothing.

Tomorrow's class is called "On-The-Ball Training", which is a strength-focused class using stability balls, BOSU balls, and medicine balls. I love this class. I may or may not attend tomorrow, still being pretty sore from Monday.

I have a co-worker who is incredibly active (she plays sports and attends bootcamps, etc - every single day), and she tells me that the best way to deal with sore muscles is to keep using them. And I have been experiencing the fact that the more I move, the more they're okay, it's only after sitting still for a while, that it hurts to move. But a full-on class?

I will probably try, because she's a good motivator, and knowing she's rooting for me helps. And because I know tomorrow afternoon she'll track me down and ask how it went... I don't want to have to tell her I chickened out and went for the elliptical again. Ha.

Otherwise... Art... I've been extremely procrastinatey (it's a word now) on my photos lately... Multiple months of nothing... I think I've just been away from the cyber world. I've been taking photos, but not processing or posting. I'm working on them now, aiming at 5 per night... I have a lot to get through.

And last I posted here, I was in the midst of a drawing class at ACAD... I loved that class. It was so great for me, in so many ways. I'm thinking of taking another class in the fall. Possibly an intro to painting this time? I'd have to decide between acrylic, watercolor, and oil... I think you're supposed to start with one of the two formers... I have always used acrylics in the past... Maybe I should take all three? Or perhaps I should carry on with drawing... There's figure drawing, landscape drawing, perspective drawing, 3d drawing... Or in an entirely different vein, I could give sculpture or fabrics or jewellery making a try...

Or... I've also been thinking about creative writing classes, and even piano lessons. I have a piano. I played all throughout my childhood. I'd love to get back to it. I suppose all it would take is practice...

I've been reading a lot. I read the first two books in The Millenium Trilogy, which are not really in my usual genre - but I liked them. They are translated from Sweden, and I suppose would fit under the Thriller category? There are subtitled movies out for the books, but I want to read the third before watching the movies. The third book is out, but only in hardcover... I'm waiting for soft.

I also read Eat, Pray, Love. I figured it would be a nice, light, vacation read. I didn't expect to care about it all that much - but I absolutely loved it. The wisdom in this book floored me - I hope to come back to read this book again, I think a lot of people could learn so much from this book... It really touched me. Aaaaand made me want to travel. Even more than usual... However, there is also a movie out based on this book and I am TERRIFIED to see it. I mean, I want to... I'm curious... But I'm so scared that they've turned it into some stupid fluffy chick flick. Even one of the lines in a preview made a statement that was totally opposite to the point of the book... I dunno. We'll see...

Currently I am reading a strange little book called "Her Fearful Symmetry". It's about a couple of mirror twins (identical, but opposite - one of them literally has all her organs on the 'wrong' side) whos mysterious British aunt dies and leaves them everything in her will, as long as they live together in her Flat for one year (which borders on the famous Highgate Cemetery), and their parents are never to set foot in it. It's a love story, a ghost story, a story of family secrets and London history... Dark and funny and organic. I'm just over two thirds of the way through, and I'm fascinated to find out what happens, but I also don't want to finish it, because it's great. It was written by the author of The Time Traveller's Wife... Which I haven't read - but think it may be up next on my list.

Also possibly upcoming on my list of reading... I'd like to find a good biography (possibly historical novel, whatever) on Mata Hari. I read a few online articles about her story, and it sounds fascinating, and a little tragic. Right up my alley.

For now, it's late... I need to get to bed, rest my poor muscles and brain...

I am planning to try to keep this up more often... But we'll see. We all know how procrastinatey I am in general...

The Wheel Turns...

That is a phrase my dad has used often as we get older. He basically uses it to assure us that he understands when things change...

Like when I was 16, and wanted to hang out with my friends on weekends, rather than go to his place. He understood, and explained that "the wheel turns, and there's no point in trying to stop it. Things will change, and holding on to old patterns won't help anyone".

He started taking me out for dinner every week or two, to catch up. This was the pattern for many many years - No matter what was going on in my life or where I was, we'd catch up over dinner, just the two of us. After I'd been dating Brian for a while and it was apparent it was 'serious', he suggested I start bringing Brian along, because the wheel had turned again.

After my mom died in 2003, and Christmas moved to dad's house, and it wasn't the same - he explained that it couldn't be the same, and we need to turn with the wheel.

Much more recently, this phrase has come up again. Something that was always one way is changing. And we can't be afraid of it just because it's change. The wheel turns.

My parents split up 23 years ago. To my knowledge, my mom never dated again, and neither did my dad - until now. In August, he fell madly in love with a woman named Pam. This past weekend, he proposed to her, and she said yes. They will be married on August 14 of this year. The wheel turns.

I'm really happy for them, honestly. They do seem perfect for eachother in many ways. I don't think I've EVER seen my dad as happy as he has been in the last 6 months or so. They are talking about these great adventures that my dad gave up on long ago. He hasn't done much travel at all in the last 25 or so years, but they have all sorts of ideas - biking across France, and buying an A-frame on a property in the woods, with a little trickling stream...

This also means I will get 2 step-sisters. Rachel and Liz. They are both in their early 30's. Rachel lives in Red Deer, and Liz is married and lives in Castlegar (BC). I met Rachel at Christmas time, but haven't met Liz. According to my dad, Rachel is more like Tarah (my older sister), and Liz is more like Brianne (my younger sister) and I. Buuuuut who knows what that means, ya know?

It is very strange when your immediate family changes... Either through the loss of someone, or the addition of someone... It's tough to know how dynamics will shift. But we'll just turn with the wheel, and old patterns will turn into new patterns, which eventually will be old ones again.

~~~

In an entirely different vein, there may be another turn of the wheel coming up. Brian is applying for a job at UBC. It would be an amazing opportunity for him if he gets it. It would obviously mean we'd be moving to Vancouver - which is something we've been toying with for a year or two. It's not for sure of course - just a job application sent out into the universe... We'll see what comes out of it.

~~~

I had to get some thoughts out of my head, but now I should get back to work...

New Year

2009 is over. I'm happy about that. I suppose if I wasn't I'd be living in the past.

2009 started out on an extremely dark note for me - But thankfully there was only one direction to go after that - and that was up. By early spring life was back to good.

Brian and I visited his mom in Vancouver in May and July - which I always enjoy. I don't know when we'll be back to Vancouver, but I'm craving it - I hope it's soon.

We did a lot of relatively local travel this year. Lots of road trips - Alberta, Saskatchewan, BC. We road tripped to Burning Man and back in August, in Ziggy - our '85 Volkswagon camper van.

I saw Toronto for the first time ever in July - we visited Sabrina & Jamie, Josh & Mel. It stormed the whole week we were there, but I loved it. So warm, so wet. I love the rain, I love being poured on. And being warm enough to stay in it. Ha. I spent a bunch of time shopping, and we visited Niagara Falls.

Three different friends of mine each gave birth to a boy in the spring. Rowan, Wesley, and Graham. I love that I've finally gotten to the point in my life that my friends are having babies. I can't wait to watch them, and all the other little kiddies in my world grow up into little people. :)

In the fall, my dad announced he's fallen in love. He's been single for 22 years, since he & my mom split up. It came as a shock, but I'm happy for him. I like his girlfriend - she seems good for him, and that's probably all that matters. It will be really interesting to see if my family will grow in 2010 in that way. Pam has 2 daughters in their early 30's - I may get step sisters.

In early December, I suffered a surprise-miscarriage. I didn't know I was pregnant, until I miscarried. I wouldn't have been far along - but it was still quite something to digest. It's a strange thing to experience.

2010 is a year I am really looking forward too. In a couple weeks, I start a drawing class at ACAD. This is something I've wanted to do for most of my life and I can't imagine why on Earth I never have. I am SO excited for this, I can't even complain. This year I hope to start putting together a portfolio of my work. Gotta be open to possibilities, right?

Also in the creative vein, I'm hoping to get back into self portraits. I haven't been doing any lately, but when I did I think I learned a lot from them. I don't really want to say much about them, because I don't know how to approach it yet, and don't want to jynx it.

In terms of travel, it seems it'll be a year of weddings. We're off to Jamaica at the end of January for the wedding of Shawn and Tanya. It'll be Brian's first tropical vacation and my second - one to remember for sure. In July we have a wedding in Kelowna, which we are likely to combine with a bit of BC road tripping. Just us & Ziggy & the highways & the hot springs! That's what it's aaaaaall about.

In early June we have a wedding to attend in Rexton, New Brunswick. I've never been further East than Toronto, so we're gonna take a good 2 weeks and travel around NB a little.

So, no laughing at this next one: We've been renovating our upstairs bathroom since March 2008. In late 2009, we got it up to the point of having all the drywall installed. Earlier today (Jan. 1) we started mudding & taping. We'll continue with that tomorrow... I'm feeling pretty motivated to get that over & done with. I feel like we're finally glimpsing the light at the end of the tunnel. We're also in the stages of planning paint and tiles... And that stuff's exciting.
:)

I have no idea what else this year will bring. In no particular order, I hope for: Travel, adventure, art, friendship, creativity, love, passion.

Huh.

Do you ever get kinda weirded out by life?

I feel, emotionally like I am at some sort of crossroads. I can't really identify what it is, but I feel suddenly different about so many things. I feel like I need to be creative. I feel like I need to pay attention to my artsy side. I feel almost dishonest with myself or something. I don't know, I can't explain.

I'm starting an art class in January. A drawing class at ACAD. I'm so excited, because I haven't been in an art class in ~10 years. I've been wanting to go to art school all my life. I mean, more than that, even. More than I'm going to go into here.

Somehow I've always had these excuses. These reasons not to do it. I can't even count how many times I've looked at the ACAD calendar, read through all the courses, ranked the classes, planned out which ones to take. But always something would come up. I'd get sick, or busy, or I get focused on something else. I was just never able to get started.

But then I realized, I don't have to have it ALL planned out before I begin. I keep stopping because I can't see how it'll all turn out. I'm not sure what life has in store, and so I don't know what decisions to make about it. But the things I do right now are not just about the future, they're about right now as well.

This is a recurring theme for me, perhaps. I can recall a few times in my life when faced with potentially life-altering decisions, and I make no decision, for fear of making the wrong decision.

This art class is such an exciting thing for me, I can't even describe it. When I finish this class, I'll be better equipped to take another step, even if I still don't know where it will lead. It can't hurt.

There are strange things going on in my family that I don't quite understand yet. And my health is not peak. I am not enamored with my job. These things add to my desire to just close myself off and create. Ugh. Why can't I just be content with the crap I have to do?

Buh. Now I'm just moaning and complaining. Life is weird. That's not news to anyone.

B and I are taking the day off work tomorrow, we might head up to Bragg Creek. He's lived in this city for 15 years, and never been there. It's time.

Oh - PS, last night I dreamt of Vancouver. We moved to Vancouver and were hanging out on the beach. There was a tidal wave, and we had to run down the street to avoid it, but everyone told us not to worry, and that it happens all the time - no biggie. I pointed out to Brian that some children are burying themselves in the sand, under shallow water. We were trying to find help for our friend C (who in actuality we are no longer in contact with, but were close with at one time). We found some sort of park ranger, and when we brought him back to C, he started talking to another woman I didn't recognize. He called her Nicki. I kept telling him, 'no, it's C that needs help, not that other chick'. But he keeps talking to Nicki, trying to help Nicki. I believe at some point in this dream that I was also trying to explain my fear of water to someone.

Dreams

An Octopuss' Garden in the Shade, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Both B and I have been sleeping terribly for about a week. His cat is peeing on us, my cats are loud (meowing and chasing things around the floor), and when they're not being problems, our minds won't calm down. Mentally we can't rest, and physically we can't get comfortable enough to rest. I don't know what's up. Generally I think if I can't sleep I'm not being active enough in my day, but I've 'upped' my physical activity this week, and still no sleep to be had. On top of all this, I've had a return to my extremely vivid, active dreams. I wasn't remembering details earlier in the week, but the past couple of nights I have...

The night before last...
The first thing I remember was like 4 visual snapshots, or stills. First, I looked out the window, and saw a guy I don't know in my front yard. Second snapshot, he made eye contact with me and I alerted Brian. Third, he was trying to get in through the window, and fourth - he was in. He owned a Westy, and wanted to chat with Brian about it. Brian was excited, as he always is with other westy owners. He wanted to go for a ride, and I didn't trust the guy but couldn't tell Brian 'no'. I told him to be careful and be back soon. He said he wouldn't be back for weeks, because it was a boat and they were going far out to sea. The Atlantic sea, even. I was afraid for him, but he had his mind set on it. I dreamed of extremely stormy seas, and I was so afraid he would not come home. I also saw a map of the East coast of Canada from above, and was surprised to see that the land was formed in almost 'shelves', running south to north. Each section of sea, between the strip of rocky land, was for a different country. If you're from Russia, you come to Canada here. If you're from Germany, you come in here. Hard to explain, kinda.

In another section of my dream, we were dining with our friends R&K. An engagement ring arrived for one of us, but we weren't sure who it was from, or for. (In real life, R&K are engaged, but I don't think they were in my dream) Later R pulled me aside and asked how I would respond if B proposed to me, and I said I'd accept, but I doubted he would. R pointed out that just because B says he'll do something doesn't mean he will, and reminded me he's still legally married. I was like 'yeah, I know' and realized we probably won't ever get married.

Later the same night, I dreamed I went to Vancouver to visit our friend K (who lives here in Calgary in actuality). She lived upstairs from the store "Anthropologie", and I was excited to go there, too. Her apartment building was greenish grey, and there was something familiar about it. I can't remember many other details about this section, but it was good, and comfortable. It might have been a "I want to move to Vancouver" dream.

Last night...
A baby girl and water. As usual when I dream of babies, she wasn't mine biologically, but she was in my care. I was some sort of guardian. At first I was raising her in the forest, teaching her to swim and collect rain water, and something about writing in a book...

Later I dreamed that I was in the basement of this beautiful mansion-like place, where my friends (J&M or D&S - both couples who are already married in real life) were getting married. I woke up late, and my room was attached to a bathroom with a huge jacuzzi in it. In fact, the whole place was a maze of interconnected bedrooms and bathrooms with huge jacuzzis. I was really concerned that I was going to be late for the wedding, so I ran to the next room and drew a bath, and then someone else ran in and said they needed to use this bathroom first, and could I please wait. So I asked them to knock on my door when they were done. They didn't, and when I went back to check, there was someone else in my bathroom. Meanwhile, my getting-married friends were in my bedroom eating a buffet breakfast, and worrying out-loud about my not being ready for the wedding yet. I sat down to eat some french toast, and he (the groom) offered me some yogurt. When I declined, he rolled his eyes, as-if to say "of course you wouldn't chose the healthier option". I found another room, but it had a larger jacuzzi, more like a hot tub - with 10 or 20 people in it. I went back to the other bathroom and there was a baby girl floating in the water, kinda squirming. I jumped in the water in my clothes, and pulled her out and performed CPR. She didn't cry, but she was breathing. I held her and rubbed her back and felt like I would never let go of her. In this portion of the dream, she was a 'stranger' until I saved her. I went back into the other room with the bigger hot tub, and one of the women screamed at me for 'stealing' her baby. I screamed back that I had just saved her from drowning, but she didn't believe me. A screaming fight ensued, she claimed she left her baby far from the water. I was horrified that a mother could be so careless. I didn't want to give her back her baby. I was holding it so tight and there was something about the way it felt, I can't explain.

Brian woke me up somewhere around here, and when I woke up I found I was cradling my boobs like a baby. Ha!

... So... I am not sure of the reasoning behind sharing my dreams, except to get them out of my head. Sometimes they follow me around, 'haunting' me all day, so perhaps this is an attempt to leave them behind and be awake today.

It's been a month since I've posted anything. Stuff's been a little crazy, as always.

In July we spent time in 4 seperate provinces. It was a constant whirlwind...

July 1-6 - West Kootenays road trip in BC
July 7-8 - In Calgary, working.
July 9-13 - Ghost Town hunting in Saskatchewan
July 14-16 - In Calgary, working.
July 17-19 - Vancouver for No Doubt concert
July 20-21 - In Calgary, working.
July 22-26 - Toronto
July 27-30 - In Edmonton, working (me only - Brian was home that week).
July 31 - In Calgary, working.

Upon coming home from Edmonton, I was informed I'd be heading back out to Grande Prairie two weeks later, and almost burst into tears. I managed to postpone my Grande Prairie trip until late September/early October.

We bought a 1985 Volkswagon Van in the first week of August. It's a perfect little thing for us, because we do love our little roadtrips so much. It'll be great to not have to worry about finding hotels or restaurants. The van boasts a sink, a stove, a fridge, and two double beds. We've named her Zeitgeist (basically translates to 'spirit of the time or age'), but it's Ziggy for short. She's dark brown, and gorgeous. There are a couple quick snapshots of her on Two Bs in a Blog. We haven't had a chance to take her camping yet, but we've done some driving around - out to Canmore with my dad for a hike and dinner a couple weekends ago. Burningman will be her maiden voyage, and what a voyage it will be!!!

One of my best friends in the world (Josh's Blog) got married last weekend. He and his new wife (Freshly Grated Nutmeg) live in Toronto, but they had their wedding here because the majority of their friends and family are here. They both grew up in Calgary - he moved east about 5(?) years ago to attend McGill, and then relocated to Toronto a couple years ago, where she joined him at that time. It was a beautiful wedding, and I'm so happy for them both. Makes me miss them, though - makes me want to go hang out in Toronto some more. :)

Emotionally, I've been a little up-and-down lately. Partly, the problem is that all this travel we're doing keeps whispering in my ear, telling me I need to do more... Everywhere I go, I want to stay. The further away from home I get, the happier I am. There's gotta be something unhealthy about that.

For the past couple of years I've been dreaming of moving to Vancouver, as I've mentioned here before. It seems unlikely at this point. At least not anytime in the forseeable future. And that does make me sad. I've lived in Calgary all my life, and really feel like it's time to see things from a different angle. But maybe there's more to my restlessness, I don't know.

Brian doesn't seem to be AGAINST relocating, but I think he doesn't really see a reason for it. He didn't grow up in Calgary, so this is already a relocation for him. This is already his 'move to the big city'.

If I were to leave Calgary, that would mean a change of career/industry, which is a little scary in itself, as ALL my experience and education is in this one industry which doesn't really exist in Vancouver.

And then more recently the thought of going back to school has crossed my mind yet again. Something like design. Which is amazing for me to say, because usually when I go down this line of thinking, I hit a big brick wall at "what would I take?" and honestly, something like design makes a lot of sense. It's artsy, it's something I would find fascinating, and it covers a LOT of categories, and would leave a lot of options open in terms of a direction to go in.

But then, of course, the realities hit:
- Can we afford it?
- Are we going to be starting a family in the next few years?
- Are we willing to give up the freedom for things like travel?
- Would it be stupid of me to walk away from my job and the company I've been with for seven years?

Ugh. It's been a tumultuous few weeks. I get hit with this every once in a while. This feeling of regret. If only I had a degree. If only I had a career that allowed for a little more creativity. If only I had changed direction sooner.

I know I've always made the decision that was 'best for me at the time'. And I know that's really all you can do, without knowing what the future will bring. But suddenly, looking back, there were several points where I wish I made a drastically different decision.

But then who knows where I'd be? I know, I know. Regret solves nothing. But sometimes it's hard to ignore.

The feelings of 'ick' have been coming and going for a couple weeks here. Mondays are especially rude and painful, but I just keep to myself and by Tuesday I feel more like a human being. I have even been going back to the gym more regularly than I had for a while. Being more active always has a positive effect on my psyche. It's true. It helps.

Most of the bad flew away on Wednesday of this week, however... I came to the realization that we leave for Burningman next Thursday. The 27th. By now, that's less than a week away. By this time next week, we'll be on the road! Somewhere in southern BC or northern Idaho, probably. Toodling down the road in Ziggy... Wishing each moment would never ever end.

I'm actually terrified about the inevitable 'let-down' that will hit upon returning home this fall. The reality that we'll be home battling the cold all winter long. Ugh. But at the moment, I'm putting those thoughts away, because those are horrible thoughts, and I don't want to deal with them.

The plan is to leave next Thursday morning, head west, and cross the border just south of Cranbrook. The most direct route is basically straight down through Idaho, cutting across the far SE corner of Oregon, and then into Nevada. We made the drive in two days in 2007 (even dealing with a flat tire at one point along the way), but we were driving until 2 or 3am, and then starting out again at 6 or 7am - and that's not the best (or safest) way of doing it. This year we hope to do little or no after-dark driving, and are giving ourselves twice the time to get there. We'll still be driving most of the time, but can probably afford to pull off and set up camp in the evenings and relax a bit at night.

We plan to arrive at Burningman on Monday morning. Our camp is called Midnight Poutine - There are 18 of us in total. I believe about 12 of them are from Montreal, 2 from Toronto, and 4 (including Brian and I) from Calgary. We will be serving poutine from midnight-2am, Monday to Friday. We're each signed up for a couple shifts. Should be very interesting. We actually got an amazing location - best I've ever had there - and are featured in What/Where/When. Meaning we will get TONS of traffic. We expect to serve 1500 poutines all-told. Holy crap. I've only ever had poutine once, and even once dated a guy who said he would dump me in a second if he heard I ever even tasted it (he was pretty sure the worst thing anyone could be was fat). I think it's probably perfect in the middle of the night, after some good partying. Haha, should be fun.

The Man burns on Saturday (Sept. 5 this year), and everything starts to wind down shortly thereafter. Many people leave on Sunday, most people leave on Monday. Brian and our buddy Kay and I will be hanging around until Tuesday, ensuring the camp gets all cleaned up and taken away. We'll miss the mass exodus, and leave the day after most people, which means less time sitting in a vehicle in a line-up, mostly.

We have about a week to meander back home... We're not sure yet where we're gonna go, which route we'll take. My vote is for the coast. I would really love to visit the ocean. I love that whole drive, and we could even go as far up as Vancouver, visit some friends and Brian's mom, before heading back east for home... We'll see. There are a million possibilities.

Ooookay, now I'm going to go do some stuff. I am planning to update here again before leaving, but any travel entries will (as always) be on our travel blog - Two Bs in a Blog.

Ciao for now!

Ugh.

I Don't Know Who, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I'm so beat. My last post was a couple weeks ago, about BC. since then we've come home, spent 3 days at work, then went in the other direction - to Saskatchewan. Spent 4 days driving around Southern Saskatchewan (approximately south of Moose Jaw), taking photos of ghost towns. I was back at work for a day, then felt entirely ill last night and today. Stayed home from work, resting, hoping to 'bounce back'.

This weekend, we're in Vancouver for a No Doubt concert. The weekend after that? Toronto. Get home from Toronto on Sunday, go to work Monday, then head to Edmonton for work on Monday night, not returning until Thursday night. OMG. After Toronto, we were planning on camping and whitewater rafting in celebration of Brian's 34th birthday.

We recently decided, however, that we need to play that camping trip by ear. We're both feeling exhausted and run-down, and we're only halfway through!

Anyway, I know this was a boring post, forgive me. Just thought I should post something. Here you go!

Quick Stop and Update?

I've been so bad at updating this lately, I apologize. Stuff's been crazy (as per usual - can I continue to consider it crazy if it's the norm? Hmmm.)

It looks like the last time I checked in was over a month ago - just before we left for Vancouver. We had an awesome trip, of course. I love the west coast so much. It's tough not to love life when I'm there. When Brian and I go away together we update our travel-blog, so I rarely post the details here as well. Who wants to type everything out twice? So if you are interested in our travels, check twobsinablog.blogspot.com

We've both been working a lot, which is something I know we can't complain about these days, so I won't. I've taken on a new role at work, which is exciting and scary. I'm not sure there's as much training as I'd like. I think I just have to learn it by doing it. And I'm fine at that - I've done it before with other jobs. I just worry, because there's more responsibility with this job than others, so consequences of not excelling at this are bigger than they've been in the past. Make sense? But yes, I know I'll do well because... I just will. So there.

Three friends of mine have had little baby boys recently: Rowan was born in late April, and Graham and Wesley were born in late May. I'm so so happy to report that after some initial worries (yes, for each of the three!) they are all home, healthy and happy! Rowan and Wesley are their mothers' first babies, and baby Graham has a big brother and sister (Kaden and Isabelle). It's so exciting to see these great little families starting and growing!

Unfortunately, on the other end of things, my Grandmother is still not doing well. She's been in the hospital for a couple of months now (as a result of a stroke), and she's still not very responsive. It's looking a bit doubtful that she will actually 'come back' very far. It's really sad for us all. We feel we should be with her, and visiting her often, but she sleeps 90% of the time, and if she's awake, she still doesn't really seem to know we're there. It's so heartbreaking, really. We're waiting for a permanent bed to open up for her somewhere. She's on a waiting list, and apparently it could take anywhere from weeks to years.

Back in our own tiny little lives, Tuesday was Brian's and My 2.5 year anniversary. Yes, I make us celebrate halves. Two nice dinners out a year isn't a huge demand, I don't think. And at least I'm not counting the months anymore. Though on the 9th of each month we'll still say "happy monthiversary" to eachother. Yes, we're dorks. But whatever works, right? Ha.

Brian's currently in Edmonton for work, and in a couple weeks I'll be in Dunvegan and Grande Prairie for my work. And then in July... July. July is insane.

The first weekend of July we're road tripping in BC - Ainsworth Hot Springs and such.
The following weekend is ghost town hunting in Saskatchewan.
The weekend after that, we are going to Vancouver for a No Doubt concert.
The next weekend after that is a secret, and I can't say anything because there are some certain people who may read my blog and I don't want to ruin any surprises...

And then August. The first weekend is the long one, and we're thinking of camping and white water rafting, although we also want to gather a group of people to come with us and we haven't even started planning out the logistics of that one.

And this year we're heading back to Burningman (end of August / beginning of September). Probably our last time until we're 65...

We're possibly about to buy a truck & camper, which is also exciting. That'll aid in many of our little bitty adventures (and burningman). :)

What else, what else?

Oh! Y'know the Bellydancing classes I've been trying to get into for YEARS? Well another one is starting up next week that I'll be attending. As long as 7 other people show up too, so the class can actually run this time... Cross your fingers for me, people!

Okay. Now, it's almost midnight and I need my beauty sleep. :) Thanks for reading along, folks!

West Coast Weekend

To follow along... twobsinablog.blogspot.com

The First Thursday in May

Brigit, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Hello All.

First, I want to start off by rambling on about dreams I had last night because my dreams were vivid, and have stuck with me.

The first part had to do with dive bars and shady people. Trying to fit into a group, but not quite succeeding... Possibly some fair grounds as well... I don't remember much of this first part, but somehow it morphed into...

I'm in a big old beautiful house. There are antiques everywhere, and strange little antique-like things - Chess boards built into tables, etc. Wooden inlaid floors, colors, stories... Then there is a woman. She reminds me of 'the aunt' from Twister. She is warm and loving and maternal - by the end I'm sure she WAS my mother. There was something about discovery of family history. I'm feeling fascinated and overwhelmed by her stories and explanations of what I descended from. Across the street from this house is a little blue cottage on the side of a mountain lake. It's like a little B&B that she runs, and I fawn over it and tell her how wonderful and beautiful it is. Behind the first house, is a great big snowy mountain, and there are wild horses running (and kinda swimming... I actually pointed out to someone - 'Oh look, I didn't know horses could swim in snow like that!') and at some point I hugged 'my mother' and her mother. We were in this 3-way embrace, hugging, and crying - but it was good. Tears of happiness. Makes me think of finally being reunited or finding the answer to a long-time question.

I woke up really tired this morning. Not neccessarily because of my dreams, but possibly partially due to that. I know there was more to my dreams - I feel like I lived an entire lifetime last night!

Of course part of me worries about the whole "hugging and crying and reuniting with my mother and her mother" thing... I mean, it was good but it makes me worry about my grandmother. She is still in the hospital after a stroke a few weeks ago, and she is not doing well. We're not sure she recognizes us, and in some ways we don't recognize her - does that make sense? Anywho, my dream makes me worry in some ways that she'll leave us soon - but then thinking along those lines - should I be afraid for my own life? I'm not, really. Any more so than usual.

Another possible source for that portion of my dream is that I spent some time with my aunt last weekend (my mom's sister), and it was the first time in a long time that we've had one-on-one time. I miss her a lot, and worry that I've hurt or offended her in recent years, but I can't think of what I might have done. I know I hybernate sometimes, so maybe I was afraid of the outside world at a time when she needed me to be a more visible part of the family? I really don't know. But seeing her last weekend was so nice. Definitely a step in the right direction. It was the first time in a long time I've felt a connection to my mom's family (and in some ways my mom) in a long time. And I don't even know if it's the maternal SIDE of my family I've been missing - my counsellor suggested it was WOMEN in my family. Because really, truly, the only blood-family member I remain close to and always have is my dad. Most of my family is female, but they seem far away, like I can't reach them. I've tried for years to reconnect with my little sister, but she closes the door on me again and again. So maybe my aunt is the best person to try to reconnect with, to feel like I have a family again.

These issues, of course, run deeper than this and are more complicated than this (of course - who doesn't have family issues?) but it's something that swirls around inside my brain, so maybe that was a part of where that dream came from... Being happy to feel like I have female family members I can reach out to?

I've been exhausted this week. Brian's in Regina for work, so my routines have been thrown off, which is always exhausting. Plus trouble sleeping, stresses here and there, etc... I've also not been healthy, but I'm sure it's my own fault. Our bodies just react to what we put into them, right? So somehow somethings gone out of whack, I'm sure. I'm trying to focus now and just going back to basics. Keep it simple, natural, KNOW what's in it. Right?

Brian got home last night, and tonight we leave for Vancouver. We'll be spending the mother's day weekend visiting his mother, who lives in White Rock. We're planning to spend a day on the island - which is great, I've never been there before. I LOVE going to places I've never been! Especially a place like this - everyone who's ever known me has warned me that if I ever go to the island, I'll never want to leave. Am I about to add another place to the list of "where I'd rather live than Calgary?"

My friend T and her new tiny baby R are still doing well. He might get to leave the hospital on Monday, which would be AWESOME because I can't wait to meet him!!! He was only born 2 weeks ago, and already I'm like "he's going to grow up and I'm going to miss it!!!" haha.

Aaaanywho, I have a lot of work to do (and my body just wants to sleep, more than anything!!!) but I thought I'd check in and say 'hey'.

Brian and I will likely be updating our little adventure blog here and there this weekend, so if you are interested, come follow along with us at twobsinablog.blogspot.com and otherwise, wish us safety and health in our travels, and I wish it to all of you!

Apres Moi

Apres Moi, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Haven't blogged in a while, figured I should...

The above photo was inspired by Regina Spektor's 'Apres Moi'. I am so deeply in love with that song right now - it is constantly playing in my head. The verse she sings in Russian makes me weak and trembly. Incase you wonder...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bk34WD9d6Og

Regina Spektor rocks my socks.

I've had an intense couple of weeks since my last post. My maternal grandmother suffered a stroke a couple days after my last blog post here. She's not doing well. She's in her late 80's, and I guess the doctors aren't very hopeful. When I saw her last weekend, she was awake for a few minutes at a time, and vaguely seemed to know we were there, but she can't really speak. Apparently she'd been counting in Dutch a bit - one to a hundred, then starting back over at one again. Her brain may be trying to revert to earlier memories - Dutch was her first language. She smiled at me as I was saying goodbye, and my aunt says that's the last time she's smiled. She is now only awake for seconds at a time, and isn't saying more than a general "wha?" she probably doesn't know anyone's there. It's tough to know how much she's aware of. I'm going to go see her again on Saturday. It's hard not to cry.

Around the same time this happened, Brian and I did some yard work and I injured my back. Couldn't move the next day. Went to the doctor, and she gave me some anti-inflammatories and pain killers. I stayed home from work last week until Friday - the thought of sitting at my desk for 8 hours straight was painful. It's mostly better by now, though. I have been at work this week. There's the odd movement that hurts, I just have to be careful. Soon I'll start working on building my core strength back up. Best way to prevent re-injuries.

About a week ago I got a voice mail from the husband of one of my best friends, saying that she went into pre-term labor the night before (over 7 weeks early). The hospital gave her some injections and sent her home. Then she had to go back early the next morning. I got a phone call from him later saying that she was in active labor. He said "I don't know if you are spiritual, but please, if you are - pray for her, and for the little one."

Now, I almost curled up on the floor of the restaurant I was in at the time to cry. This girl is so important to me, I don't know what I would do if anything happened to her or the tiny life inside her. But, knowing that positivity in the universe is so much more important than negativity, I closed out those scary thoughts, and KNEW she and her baby would be okay.

The next evening I got a text saying it's a boy, and a healthy one at that! I squeeled, I laughed, I announced it to those I was with. I can't even put into words how important it is to me that he's healthy and she's healthy, and Oh my God. Really. No words.

He was 4.3 lbs, so pretty tiny - but remember, he was also 7 weeks early. Apparently otherwise he's perfectly healthy. Yes yes yes yes YES. :)

I haven't gotten to meet him yet, he's still in the hospital, as little babies must be for a bit. I can't wait though. And to give his new mom hugs and hugs and hugs. She left me a voice mail at work today, saying she's tired but everything's good. Yay!

I have busy times to come as well...

Tomorrow I've got an engineering intern starting at work, to take over the job I've had for the past 2.5 years, so I can move onto some other things. It'll be good to learn some knew stuff, a change of pace. I'm slightly concerned that we'll both wind up doing both jobs, which can lead to dropped balls, etc. but I want to think positive and just go with the flow. All I can do is wait and see how it all pans out. So I shall.

Saturday I'm having breakfast with my aunt, which'll be good - I haven't had much one-on-one time with her for a long time. After breakfast we'll visit my Grandma.

Also tomorrow, one of Brian's best friends is coming to town from Edmonton, to visit and have a little mini (24 hour) vacation, before his wife is due to give birth in a few weeks. This'll be their third, so he knows that after the baby comes he won't have a break for some time to come. I thought it was pretty brave of him to be leaving town mere weeks before his wife's due, but I guess it was her idea in the first place - and by the third, they know what to expect and when. It'll be good to see him, even if just for a bit. He leaves on Sunday.

As does Brian. He's going to Regina for work. He'll return from there on Wednesday, and on Thursday we leave for Vancouver.

We'll be in Vancouver for the mother's day weekend, visiting Brian's mom in White Rock.

There's more going on beyond that, but that's as far ahead as my brain can think right now. Too much, too much. Gotta keep some boundaries on it, or I will go insane!!! I know it.

*sigh* So tonight is a calm little island before a whole lot starts to happen... No idea what else will appear, because without fail we know life always peppers in more than expected...

I'll try to poke my head up more often, but we'll see.

'Till then, stay good, stay healthy, stay happy. Wishing greatness to all.

Things That I'm Excited About.

I Want To Live In Vancouver., originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Recently, I had a very depressing moment, thinking I had nothing that I was looking forward to. And I know myself well enough to know that one of the things I need in order to be happy, is 'stuff to look forward to'. There has to be some bright point I'm aiming for, or else I get so bored and depressed because I can't see 'the point", and can't care about things, and it's just that slippery downward spiral. But really, truly, I do have a lot of things I'm looking forward to. And these are some of them:

- Spring! Summer! The weather is getting warmer, and that always helps the mental state. Brian and I went for a walk in fish creek last night, and it was AWESOME. I was acting silly and hyper, jumping and skipping, and babbling and joking and laughing, and I literally felt high on the fresh spring air. And I have months and months upcoming of warm weather, weather we can be OUTSIDE in, comfortably, without getting frost bite or wind burn, or any of those other icky winter things. :)

- On Saturday, I'm going to watch sheep shearing at a farm. That is awesome. I've never witnessed such a thing (I'm such a city girl sometimes), and can't wait. It'll afford some GREAT photo opportunities for sure. Apparently there will even be some baby sheep. Cute! And some wool spinners. And lots of mud. :) Just sounds fun, ya know?

- On May 5, Bif Naked's new album (The Promise) comes out, and I'm thrilled for that! I've loved Bif and her work since sitting in the art room in high school listening to 'Lucky' with my friend Melanie. We shared her earbuds, and listened to the one song on repeat. Since then, Bif music has always been a part of my personal soundtrack. So NEW stuff? Awesome. Also, Bif was diagnosed with breast cancer early last year, and she recorded this album during final stages of chemo, and she's just such a super-star and an inspiration. She lives so positively, and she has such an incredible strength, I LOVE so much of what she represents, and I wish there were more role models like her out there! So many people could learn from her (myself included of course)!

- On the mother's day weekend (which is always a sad time for me, obviously) Brian and I will be going to Vancouver (White Rock specifically) to visit his mom. This will be the first Mother's day in 5 years that I've celebrated and honored an actual mother. And I know she's not mine, but aren't all good mothers really everyone's mothers? Plus, I think she'll be thrilled to see us. I think Brian hasn't spent mother's day with his mom for a while. And, mothers aside, Vancouver is just awesome and any excuse to visit is A-OK with me!

- On May 15, my city will FINALLY start picking up curbside recycling in my area. OMG. This is SO long overdue it's ridiculous. I mean, I've only ever lived in this city, so I don't really have much to compare it to, but I hear we're rednecks and this whole recycyling thing is a LONG overdue step in the right direction. We got our "blue bin" this week, and we can finally start to get rid of the plastic that we've had building up for like a year, because we couldn't in good conscience throw it out, and had no facilities AVAILABLE to us.

- On May 16, I'm getting my hair done. I only am allowed 3 hair appointments a year (because they're expensive, and my hair's pretty healthy and doesn't need much), but I love my hairdresser, so it's always a fun day. and even though other people can't usually see a difference (long hair is long hair), I always can tell such a difference and it feels so great.

- On May 18, we get a new Tori Amos album - Not quite Bif, but pretty exciting anyway. :)

- On May 27, Brian and I have tickets to see Rick Mercer live at the Jack Singer. I have no idea what to expect, but we both love that man with a passion - he makes us laugh like no one else on TV does, and I think it'll be just a great night out.

- At some point in June, I have TWO very dear friends giving birth! I haven't seen Dy in years, but we were the best of friends once upon a time, and I still love her dearly. She's having a boy, and she's going to be an awesome mother! And Taryn is a co-worker and a best friend of many years (5-ish?) and we don't know if it'll be a boy or a girl, but either way it's sooooo exciting. I've been waiting for Taryn to have babies for YEARS! And she too is going to be such a wonderful mom! And I'm going to be an obsessive auntie. :) Plus a psychic told me that her baby and I are kindred spirits, and we will know and recognize eachother from the first moment we make eye contact. Yeeeaaaaay Taryn-Baby!!!

- On June 23rd Regina Spektor is releasing a new album (Far) and that has me really excited too. I only just recently discovered and fell in love with her music, but I'm already salivating for new stuff from her! Can't wait.

- On the second weekend in July Brian and I are going ghost-town exploring in Saskatchewan, with a group of other photographers from around the country. It's semi-'guided', but I think it'll be awesome - I think there's something like 13 ghost-towns on the schedule? Plus some light-painting technique at night, which'll be interesting too. AND within Canada, I've never been East of Medicine Hat, so I'm expanding my little travel-box too!!!

- On July 18th, we have tickets to the No Doubt concert in Vancouver! I am thrilled for this as well. Not only have I wanted to see No Doubt in concert for over 10 years, we're seeing it in Vancouver, just for the heck of it. What a great adventure!!! I've only been to concerts in Calgary, so it'll just be awesome.

- We have tickets to Burningman this year as well, which happens just before labor day. We are unsure as-to whether or not we'll use them though. We might find another deserving couple to give them to instead. There are a few factors going into this decision, and it seems really 50/50 right now. We'll see...

- And in a longer-term sense, we've been giving a little more thought to relocating to Vancouver. This isn't a right-away thing, but possibly in the next year or two. We've hummed-and-hawed over it for well over a year now, but I feel fairly sure on my side that it is something I would like to do. It's a controversial decision, I know. And some people will not be happy with it, but hopefully most people will be supportive, and I believe we would be happy with it. But like I say, nothing's written in stone and nothing's even kinda planned yet. But in my mind, I'm working on the things I can start doing, to get us closer to that goal. For me I guess it's mostly focusing on the house, and getting it into peak condition, so when the time comes to sell it, we can get a good price on it... Don't worry, though. It won't be overnight.

*sigh*
I am a very lucky girl and I have an awesome life. I feel less 'free' than I once was, but in some ways I'm far more free now than I was. I have some knowledge/experience/maturity that I didn't have "back in the day", as well as a little more financial stability, and all-around bravery. Which counts for a lot.

Maybe it's spring talking, or Friday, or just a good mood for no reason - but hooray, hooray, how GREAT is life?