Huh.

Do you ever get kinda weirded out by life?

I feel, emotionally like I am at some sort of crossroads. I can't really identify what it is, but I feel suddenly different about so many things. I feel like I need to be creative. I feel like I need to pay attention to my artsy side. I feel almost dishonest with myself or something. I don't know, I can't explain.

I'm starting an art class in January. A drawing class at ACAD. I'm so excited, because I haven't been in an art class in ~10 years. I've been wanting to go to art school all my life. I mean, more than that, even. More than I'm going to go into here.

Somehow I've always had these excuses. These reasons not to do it. I can't even count how many times I've looked at the ACAD calendar, read through all the courses, ranked the classes, planned out which ones to take. But always something would come up. I'd get sick, or busy, or I get focused on something else. I was just never able to get started.

But then I realized, I don't have to have it ALL planned out before I begin. I keep stopping because I can't see how it'll all turn out. I'm not sure what life has in store, and so I don't know what decisions to make about it. But the things I do right now are not just about the future, they're about right now as well.

This is a recurring theme for me, perhaps. I can recall a few times in my life when faced with potentially life-altering decisions, and I make no decision, for fear of making the wrong decision.

This art class is such an exciting thing for me, I can't even describe it. When I finish this class, I'll be better equipped to take another step, even if I still don't know where it will lead. It can't hurt.

There are strange things going on in my family that I don't quite understand yet. And my health is not peak. I am not enamored with my job. These things add to my desire to just close myself off and create. Ugh. Why can't I just be content with the crap I have to do?

Buh. Now I'm just moaning and complaining. Life is weird. That's not news to anyone.

B and I are taking the day off work tomorrow, we might head up to Bragg Creek. He's lived in this city for 15 years, and never been there. It's time.

Oh - PS, last night I dreamt of Vancouver. We moved to Vancouver and were hanging out on the beach. There was a tidal wave, and we had to run down the street to avoid it, but everyone told us not to worry, and that it happens all the time - no biggie. I pointed out to Brian that some children are burying themselves in the sand, under shallow water. We were trying to find help for our friend C (who in actuality we are no longer in contact with, but were close with at one time). We found some sort of park ranger, and when we brought him back to C, he started talking to another woman I didn't recognize. He called her Nicki. I kept telling him, 'no, it's C that needs help, not that other chick'. But he keeps talking to Nicki, trying to help Nicki. I believe at some point in this dream that I was also trying to explain my fear of water to someone.

Early November

I have been feeling sick, and haven't been to work all week. I've been doing exactly nothing, at home. Sleeping, watching crap tv, playing on my laptop. Sleeping. Lots of sleeping.

No, it's not the H1N1 flu. No flu at all, I don't think. Just a cold, probably playing on some thyroid issues. I know my thyroid is out of whack, but my doctor wanted another blood test before she adjusts my synthroid dosage... The plan is next week to get my blood test done, and then see her - though it's no easy task to get an appointment with any doctor at the moment.

I'll be back to work tomorrow... Lots to do. I'm sure I was barely missed, and I know I wasn't the only one away...

I feel very strange emotionally at the moment. I feel on the brink. I feel like I'm finally getting the right idea about some things, yet it's still so far out of reach.

I'm so excited for my drawing class, but it doesn't start until January. I know it'll be here before I know it, but it seems so far away still.

I have paid for some personal fitness sessions with a trainer at the YMCA. I also have promised my little sister I'd join her for some bikram yoga classes. And I am working on stocking up my home workout equipment, and working on making use of it more and more at home. I'm gaining weight as usual, and need to put a cap on it - bring it down a little. And the best way for me to do that is up my physical activity.

But then... This week I was going to go to yoga with Bri, and work out at home each day. Had quite an intense home workout on Sunday, and was so sore I was limping until Wednesday. Plus of course I woke up sick on Monday, which made me even less likely to move in any way.

So now that I'm feeling a little more human, tomorrow I go back to work - one cup of cofffee, then tea or water. One 'treat' (Friday's treat day at my office), reasonable eating habits, and if I am not way too exhausted after work, then a home workout perhaps. Or maybe I should even think about visiting the gym at lunch... Hrm...

That, truly, is all.

And now, I'm about to saunter off to bed.

Time to Make Decisions

So, I've decided to sign up for a drawing class at ACAD. It runs from January to April, every Saturday morning.

I have always wanted to go to art school - my whole life. But it was never the practical choice. I remember my mother telling me at a very early age, that I couldn't be an artist, because artists are poor and unhappy.

I thought for most of my life that I'd be a teacher, but my life went in a different direction, and I wound up working in an office. I've worked for the same company for 7 years. I'm a pipeline risk assessment technician.

They tell me I'm good. But I don't feel like it. It doesn't feel like me. It doesn't interest me. I go to work because I have bills to pay. I do my best at work, because my name is on it, and that's the way I am. I don't care about it, but I still can't produce crap. Y'know?

So, I have been tossing around the idea of "is it time for a change?" but I keep coming back to - I'd be stupid to leave. I have no education and no experience in any other line of work. So I arrived at "what about going back to school?" But if I go back to school, there's the question of what to take. There's stuff I'd love to take, and there's stuff that's practical, but none of them overlap. And if I turn my life upside-down to go in a completely different direction, I don't want to wind up in something else that I have no passion for, right?

So then I end up at "screw practical, that's what got me here in the first place"... I've been looking up art schools. ACAD in Calgary, and Emily Carr in Vancouver. I was at a digital photography expo last weekend, and ACAD had a booth set-up. I was able to ask some questions. Anything I take at ACAD is transferable to Emily Carr (in case we wind up moving to Vancouver). Which was one of my concerns. It looks like to get into the credit classes, I need to submit a portfolio.

So I thought that was it, I'd come home, gather up some of my artwork, take it in to ACAD, and start taking some evening/weekend classes, to decide later if I actually want to go somewhere with it.

But then I got home and realized I don't have even part of a portfolio. I was told to make sure it wasn't all photos. My drawings and paintings are all old and in terrible condition. Worn/bent corners, folds, wrinkles. This stuff has moved around with me from home to home protected by pieces of cardboard, wrapped in garbage bags.

So... I was like "well, I'll just sit down and whip up some stuff"... Turns out if you don't use it, you lose it. And I do still sketch and/or paint a few times a year, but with no actual art classes in almost ten years, and even those extremely basic... There is a lot of technique I could stand to learn.

I know I have the creativity, the imagination, the desire to create - but I just don't neccessarily have the theory/technique to back it. Nothing a little school can't fix, right?

So, I'm taking a credit-free Drawing class on Saturdays, from January to April. I don't really know what direction this'll take me in, but it's a direction I've been curious about my entire life - but have never been brave enough to try it.

Aaaaalright, as I excited as I am to finally have made a decision on all this, I need to get some sleep. B's already in bed and not-so-patiently awaiting me. So off I go... Wish me luck.

Dreams

An Octopuss' Garden in the Shade, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Both B and I have been sleeping terribly for about a week. His cat is peeing on us, my cats are loud (meowing and chasing things around the floor), and when they're not being problems, our minds won't calm down. Mentally we can't rest, and physically we can't get comfortable enough to rest. I don't know what's up. Generally I think if I can't sleep I'm not being active enough in my day, but I've 'upped' my physical activity this week, and still no sleep to be had. On top of all this, I've had a return to my extremely vivid, active dreams. I wasn't remembering details earlier in the week, but the past couple of nights I have...

The night before last...
The first thing I remember was like 4 visual snapshots, or stills. First, I looked out the window, and saw a guy I don't know in my front yard. Second snapshot, he made eye contact with me and I alerted Brian. Third, he was trying to get in through the window, and fourth - he was in. He owned a Westy, and wanted to chat with Brian about it. Brian was excited, as he always is with other westy owners. He wanted to go for a ride, and I didn't trust the guy but couldn't tell Brian 'no'. I told him to be careful and be back soon. He said he wouldn't be back for weeks, because it was a boat and they were going far out to sea. The Atlantic sea, even. I was afraid for him, but he had his mind set on it. I dreamed of extremely stormy seas, and I was so afraid he would not come home. I also saw a map of the East coast of Canada from above, and was surprised to see that the land was formed in almost 'shelves', running south to north. Each section of sea, between the strip of rocky land, was for a different country. If you're from Russia, you come to Canada here. If you're from Germany, you come in here. Hard to explain, kinda.

In another section of my dream, we were dining with our friends R&K. An engagement ring arrived for one of us, but we weren't sure who it was from, or for. (In real life, R&K are engaged, but I don't think they were in my dream) Later R pulled me aside and asked how I would respond if B proposed to me, and I said I'd accept, but I doubted he would. R pointed out that just because B says he'll do something doesn't mean he will, and reminded me he's still legally married. I was like 'yeah, I know' and realized we probably won't ever get married.

Later the same night, I dreamed I went to Vancouver to visit our friend K (who lives here in Calgary in actuality). She lived upstairs from the store "Anthropologie", and I was excited to go there, too. Her apartment building was greenish grey, and there was something familiar about it. I can't remember many other details about this section, but it was good, and comfortable. It might have been a "I want to move to Vancouver" dream.

Last night...
A baby girl and water. As usual when I dream of babies, she wasn't mine biologically, but she was in my care. I was some sort of guardian. At first I was raising her in the forest, teaching her to swim and collect rain water, and something about writing in a book...

Later I dreamed that I was in the basement of this beautiful mansion-like place, where my friends (J&M or D&S - both couples who are already married in real life) were getting married. I woke up late, and my room was attached to a bathroom with a huge jacuzzi in it. In fact, the whole place was a maze of interconnected bedrooms and bathrooms with huge jacuzzis. I was really concerned that I was going to be late for the wedding, so I ran to the next room and drew a bath, and then someone else ran in and said they needed to use this bathroom first, and could I please wait. So I asked them to knock on my door when they were done. They didn't, and when I went back to check, there was someone else in my bathroom. Meanwhile, my getting-married friends were in my bedroom eating a buffet breakfast, and worrying out-loud about my not being ready for the wedding yet. I sat down to eat some french toast, and he (the groom) offered me some yogurt. When I declined, he rolled his eyes, as-if to say "of course you wouldn't chose the healthier option". I found another room, but it had a larger jacuzzi, more like a hot tub - with 10 or 20 people in it. I went back to the other bathroom and there was a baby girl floating in the water, kinda squirming. I jumped in the water in my clothes, and pulled her out and performed CPR. She didn't cry, but she was breathing. I held her and rubbed her back and felt like I would never let go of her. In this portion of the dream, she was a 'stranger' until I saved her. I went back into the other room with the bigger hot tub, and one of the women screamed at me for 'stealing' her baby. I screamed back that I had just saved her from drowning, but she didn't believe me. A screaming fight ensued, she claimed she left her baby far from the water. I was horrified that a mother could be so careless. I didn't want to give her back her baby. I was holding it so tight and there was something about the way it felt, I can't explain.

Brian woke me up somewhere around here, and when I woke up I found I was cradling my boobs like a baby. Ha!

... So... I am not sure of the reasoning behind sharing my dreams, except to get them out of my head. Sometimes they follow me around, 'haunting' me all day, so perhaps this is an attempt to leave them behind and be awake today.

Update

Blue on the Playa, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

First-off, good news about my friend (from my last post)... I visited him in the hospital on Sunday, and he was up and talking and joking and seeming like himself. He looked pretty bruised and battered, but apparently he's healing at an amazing rate. Because of the head injury, he's still not completely 'out of the woods', but apparently if he survives the week after the injury, chances are he'll survive overall - and it'll be a week since the accident in about 3 hours. Yaaaaay!!!

Other bits:
Still haven't updated our travel blog about our latest adventure... We've been home for about 10 days, but somehow our heads are still kinda swimming. Busy busy with real life, but at the same time wishing with all our might that we could avoid it.

So not wanting to face life, but knowing we have to, we are trying to focus on getting things done. Trying to eat better, cook at home more often, buy more food from the farmer's market than the grocery store. Clean house, organize. Fix stuff and deal with stuff before the snow flies.

I am gaining weight like crazy, so also attempting to get that under control - went back to the gym today for the first time in a while. Signed up to get a personal trainer today. Part of the reason I have trouble sticking to a fitness program is that I get frustrated when I can't see results, and don't know if I'm going about it the right way. If I could get help getting started, maybe I can carry it on myself. I just want to make physical activity a habit. I've been there before, where I craved it. I just need help getting back to it.

My main goal with this is health. When my physical health is good, my emotional health is good. It makes a huge difference in my life to be fit and feel good.

At some point in my life I would like to run a 5k race. I know it's silly and little, but it is something so contrary to part of me that holds me back sometimes... I don't know how to make this make sense. Maybe it's as simple as proving to myself that I can do something that for years I never would have believed I could have...

As well, my little sister recently asked me to join her in some bikram yoga classes... I told her I need to be in better shape before getting back to yoga at all, never mind bikram. She suggested we pick a date in the future to attend a class together, that that's how long I have to prepare for it, however I've gotta do it. We didn't agree on a date... But I may still...

Thirdly, Brian and I are going to Jamaica in February, and it sure would be nice to feel good in a bathing suit again.

But, as I said before - health is number one. I want to feel good, and I don't right now. I hurt all over. Lots of headaches lately, my tummy is always upset, and so many stupid little aches and pains all over. I feel like such a whiner, because I know everything I feel is a result of decisions I've made for myself - things I should or shouldn't have eaten, etc. And activity. I know I need it - but it's just so hard when I feel so bleh. Never-ending cycle, ya know?

But I'm taking steps to reverse it. Gym today, and again tomorrow - One at a time, it's all ya can do, right?

Moments When the World Stops

My dad just called to tell me that a very close family friend was riding a skateboard behind a car at 2am on Friday morning, and had an accident. His injuries are life-threatening. Possible brain damage. It's too early to even know if he'll survive. I've watched this kid grow up. I literally have known him since he was born. My God I hope he pulls through this. I can't imagine what it would do to his family, and really anyone who knew him. Such a sweetheart. I don't even know what to say yet. My dad will be informed if he's not going to make it, so he can go say his goodbyes, so he is sitting around hoping he doesn't get a phonecall. He promised to let me know if anything changes, and so now I too, am sitting around willing my phone not to ring... Unless it's to say he's going to be fine. Ugh, you are one great tough little kid, You. Please please pull through this.

It's been a month since I've posted anything. Stuff's been a little crazy, as always.

In July we spent time in 4 seperate provinces. It was a constant whirlwind...

July 1-6 - West Kootenays road trip in BC
July 7-8 - In Calgary, working.
July 9-13 - Ghost Town hunting in Saskatchewan
July 14-16 - In Calgary, working.
July 17-19 - Vancouver for No Doubt concert
July 20-21 - In Calgary, working.
July 22-26 - Toronto
July 27-30 - In Edmonton, working (me only - Brian was home that week).
July 31 - In Calgary, working.

Upon coming home from Edmonton, I was informed I'd be heading back out to Grande Prairie two weeks later, and almost burst into tears. I managed to postpone my Grande Prairie trip until late September/early October.

We bought a 1985 Volkswagon Van in the first week of August. It's a perfect little thing for us, because we do love our little roadtrips so much. It'll be great to not have to worry about finding hotels or restaurants. The van boasts a sink, a stove, a fridge, and two double beds. We've named her Zeitgeist (basically translates to 'spirit of the time or age'), but it's Ziggy for short. She's dark brown, and gorgeous. There are a couple quick snapshots of her on Two Bs in a Blog. We haven't had a chance to take her camping yet, but we've done some driving around - out to Canmore with my dad for a hike and dinner a couple weekends ago. Burningman will be her maiden voyage, and what a voyage it will be!!!

One of my best friends in the world (Josh's Blog) got married last weekend. He and his new wife (Freshly Grated Nutmeg) live in Toronto, but they had their wedding here because the majority of their friends and family are here. They both grew up in Calgary - he moved east about 5(?) years ago to attend McGill, and then relocated to Toronto a couple years ago, where she joined him at that time. It was a beautiful wedding, and I'm so happy for them both. Makes me miss them, though - makes me want to go hang out in Toronto some more. :)

Emotionally, I've been a little up-and-down lately. Partly, the problem is that all this travel we're doing keeps whispering in my ear, telling me I need to do more... Everywhere I go, I want to stay. The further away from home I get, the happier I am. There's gotta be something unhealthy about that.

For the past couple of years I've been dreaming of moving to Vancouver, as I've mentioned here before. It seems unlikely at this point. At least not anytime in the forseeable future. And that does make me sad. I've lived in Calgary all my life, and really feel like it's time to see things from a different angle. But maybe there's more to my restlessness, I don't know.

Brian doesn't seem to be AGAINST relocating, but I think he doesn't really see a reason for it. He didn't grow up in Calgary, so this is already a relocation for him. This is already his 'move to the big city'.

If I were to leave Calgary, that would mean a change of career/industry, which is a little scary in itself, as ALL my experience and education is in this one industry which doesn't really exist in Vancouver.

And then more recently the thought of going back to school has crossed my mind yet again. Something like design. Which is amazing for me to say, because usually when I go down this line of thinking, I hit a big brick wall at "what would I take?" and honestly, something like design makes a lot of sense. It's artsy, it's something I would find fascinating, and it covers a LOT of categories, and would leave a lot of options open in terms of a direction to go in.

But then, of course, the realities hit:
- Can we afford it?
- Are we going to be starting a family in the next few years?
- Are we willing to give up the freedom for things like travel?
- Would it be stupid of me to walk away from my job and the company I've been with for seven years?

Ugh. It's been a tumultuous few weeks. I get hit with this every once in a while. This feeling of regret. If only I had a degree. If only I had a career that allowed for a little more creativity. If only I had changed direction sooner.

I know I've always made the decision that was 'best for me at the time'. And I know that's really all you can do, without knowing what the future will bring. But suddenly, looking back, there were several points where I wish I made a drastically different decision.

But then who knows where I'd be? I know, I know. Regret solves nothing. But sometimes it's hard to ignore.

The feelings of 'ick' have been coming and going for a couple weeks here. Mondays are especially rude and painful, but I just keep to myself and by Tuesday I feel more like a human being. I have even been going back to the gym more regularly than I had for a while. Being more active always has a positive effect on my psyche. It's true. It helps.

Most of the bad flew away on Wednesday of this week, however... I came to the realization that we leave for Burningman next Thursday. The 27th. By now, that's less than a week away. By this time next week, we'll be on the road! Somewhere in southern BC or northern Idaho, probably. Toodling down the road in Ziggy... Wishing each moment would never ever end.

I'm actually terrified about the inevitable 'let-down' that will hit upon returning home this fall. The reality that we'll be home battling the cold all winter long. Ugh. But at the moment, I'm putting those thoughts away, because those are horrible thoughts, and I don't want to deal with them.

The plan is to leave next Thursday morning, head west, and cross the border just south of Cranbrook. The most direct route is basically straight down through Idaho, cutting across the far SE corner of Oregon, and then into Nevada. We made the drive in two days in 2007 (even dealing with a flat tire at one point along the way), but we were driving until 2 or 3am, and then starting out again at 6 or 7am - and that's not the best (or safest) way of doing it. This year we hope to do little or no after-dark driving, and are giving ourselves twice the time to get there. We'll still be driving most of the time, but can probably afford to pull off and set up camp in the evenings and relax a bit at night.

We plan to arrive at Burningman on Monday morning. Our camp is called Midnight Poutine - There are 18 of us in total. I believe about 12 of them are from Montreal, 2 from Toronto, and 4 (including Brian and I) from Calgary. We will be serving poutine from midnight-2am, Monday to Friday. We're each signed up for a couple shifts. Should be very interesting. We actually got an amazing location - best I've ever had there - and are featured in What/Where/When. Meaning we will get TONS of traffic. We expect to serve 1500 poutines all-told. Holy crap. I've only ever had poutine once, and even once dated a guy who said he would dump me in a second if he heard I ever even tasted it (he was pretty sure the worst thing anyone could be was fat). I think it's probably perfect in the middle of the night, after some good partying. Haha, should be fun.

The Man burns on Saturday (Sept. 5 this year), and everything starts to wind down shortly thereafter. Many people leave on Sunday, most people leave on Monday. Brian and our buddy Kay and I will be hanging around until Tuesday, ensuring the camp gets all cleaned up and taken away. We'll miss the mass exodus, and leave the day after most people, which means less time sitting in a vehicle in a line-up, mostly.

We have about a week to meander back home... We're not sure yet where we're gonna go, which route we'll take. My vote is for the coast. I would really love to visit the ocean. I love that whole drive, and we could even go as far up as Vancouver, visit some friends and Brian's mom, before heading back east for home... We'll see. There are a million possibilities.

Ooookay, now I'm going to go do some stuff. I am planning to update here again before leaving, but any travel entries will (as always) be on our travel blog - Two Bs in a Blog.

Ciao for now!

St. Leon

St. Leon, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I just had to post this photo here. This is St. Leon hot springs. Brian and I spent an afternoon here on our West Kootenays Road Trip back in early July. I had a serious religious experience here. Skinny dipping in the middle of a forest in BC? Are you kidding me? Could I be any more of a hippie? But my GOD it was amazing. I can't even put it into words. I WAS one with nature. Haha...

In other news (though possibly in the same vein), Brian and I have found a 1985 Westfalia we're going to buy. It has a Subaru engine in it and an awesome stereo and speakers... The thing is amazing. We will explore EVERY nook and cranny within driving distance of Calgary! Ha! It has a sink, stove, fridge, heater, power outlet, and two double beds. Not to mention some serious style. We don't have pics of it yet, but the sale will be final sometime next week and then I'm sure you'll get more photos of it than you can handle!

Ugh.

I Don't Know Who, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I'm so beat. My last post was a couple weeks ago, about BC. since then we've come home, spent 3 days at work, then went in the other direction - to Saskatchewan. Spent 4 days driving around Southern Saskatchewan (approximately south of Moose Jaw), taking photos of ghost towns. I was back at work for a day, then felt entirely ill last night and today. Stayed home from work, resting, hoping to 'bounce back'.

This weekend, we're in Vancouver for a No Doubt concert. The weekend after that? Toronto. Get home from Toronto on Sunday, go to work Monday, then head to Edmonton for work on Monday night, not returning until Thursday night. OMG. After Toronto, we were planning on camping and whitewater rafting in celebration of Brian's 34th birthday.

We recently decided, however, that we need to play that camping trip by ear. We're both feeling exhausted and run-down, and we're only halfway through!

Anyway, I know this was a boring post, forgive me. Just thought I should post something. Here you go!

West Kootenays for the long weekend

I'm out of town again, this time with Brian. Just a little 5 day road trip in the West Kootenays. Head over to Two Bs in a Blog to follow along!

Done in Fairview

View Larger Map

So we flew into Grande Prairie on Monday morning, rented a truck, and drove north and then east to our Eaglesham office. Spent the day there with the foreman and operators, and then drove northeast to the Shaftsbury Ferry (which I talk about below - It's great) across the Peace River, and then west (and a little south) back to Fairview. We stayed in Fairview for 3 nights and worked out of the Fairview office on Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday morning we checked out of the Dunvegan motor in and drove south and eventually west all the way over to our Valhalla 8-30 office. Thursday evening we drove south, east, then south again back to Grande Prairie. We stayed here last night and worked out of the Grande Prairie office today. We fly out of Grande Prairie and back home to Calgary at around 4 this afternoon.

I've had some fun, I've learned a TON, but I'm soooo excited to be getting back home soon to see my Brian and my kitty-cats!!!

And... Please ignore the drunk-blogging below.

Green Collar Pink Lips

Okay, so yesterday we worked out of the Fairview office, but I took a quick jaunt down to Dunvegan Gardens, near the bridge - one of my coworkers had to run an errand. Thus, the addition to the map (below).

Today was a long and painful day. Over dinner, with the co-worker I'm up here with, I had a couple beers and then when we got back to the hotel afterwards he said he' buy me a Grand Marnier. So we proceeded to drink many of them. Somewhere in there some Karaoke started up. We looked at eachother and rolled our eyes, and planned to leave pretty quick. But this one guy (who sang a lot) then got up and said something about his song being for my co-worker (who had been semi-heckling the guy), due to his age. And he launched into it...

There's a port... on a western bay
And it serves.. a hundred ships a day
Lonely sailors... pass the time away
And talk about their homes

And I realized he was singing Brandy (you're a fine girl) and I starting laughing my ASS off. I leaned over to my co-worker and let him know what song this was and we both laughed until we cried.

And proceeded to stick around until midnight or so. It was just an awesome night. In between karaoke the waitress played great music, including Bob Dylan's "Rainy Day Women 12 & 23" which EVERYONE sang along to, and one really drunk (kinda scary-looking) welder from Edmonton got up front with the microphone and made up some of his own lyrics and did it again for Iron Man and I can't even BEGIN to say how awesomely funny it all was.

Some sexy french guy got up and sand New Orleans is Sinking, and in my humble opinion it was better than The Hip.

Ugh. Just a great night, really.

Tomorrow we're at the Valhalla office all day, and then we're staying in Grande Prairie for the night.

And I have to be up at 5:45, which is in like... 5 hours. I REALLY have to drink the rest of my water bottle and then sleep.

I love you all. And that's not JUST the Grand Marnier talking...

Fairview Field Trip

View Larger Map

7:20 am this morning, left Calgary by plane. Arrived in Grande Prairie at 8:30am. Rented a truck and drove to Eaglesham, arrived around 10 or 10:30. Did line-by-line reviews of our first two (of eight this week) pipeline systems. Left Eaglesham around 5pm. We drove NE, to cross The Peace River at the Shaftsbury Ferry. It was AWESOME. And so small, all I could think about were the giant Vancouver ferries. There was room for a maximum of 4 vehicles, and it was like a little tug boat attached to a couple of pontoons with a deck built on top. Just... Awesome. I took pictures, and will be posting some on Flickr at some point. From there, back west to Fairview - which is where our hotel is for our first few nights. We're staying in the Dunvegan Motor Inn, which is so ancient and so shifty it's hilarious. It scared me a bit the first time I stayed here, but you get used to it, and it's history gets almost charming. Ha.

Tomorrow I think we're working out of the Fairview office right here in town, so we don't have much driving to do. In fact, we might be here in town until Thursday, when we head back to Grande Prairie...

Okay, my alarm goes off in 6 hours and that is SO not enough sleep for me so... I'm going to sleep now.

Good night from Fairview.
:)

New Layout?

Been playing around with the layout of my blog, as you can see. Lemme know if you like it - I may still play around with it. I'd eventually like to make my own from scratch, but I don't know my stuff.

Leaving town for a week (for work) tomorrow morning. My plane leaves Calgary @ 7:20am on Monday, and I get back at ~5:45 pm on Friday. Life's busy, and gearing up to a fever-pitch.

We've got so much going on in the next month or two... It's insane. I'll try to keep updating this page, because a lot of stuff will be going on... But some of it will be under the category of twobsinablog.blogspot.com - Anytime Brian and I leave town together gets detailed there.

At the moment, I need to finish packing and head for bed... Got some long days coming up!

Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day

Just finished watching this movie. Recorded it on the PVR back in April, and haven't gotten around to watching it. Wasn't sure how exciting it would be, and Brian didn't seem all that interested in it either.

But with Brian out of town, I thought I'll give it a shot.

And it was awesome. Don't know if it just matched the mood I was in, or what, but it was absolutely amazing. Simple story, but with depth to it. Character, setting - it moved me. When it ended I wanted to follow the story for another couple movies. Cute, fun, warm.

2.5 actors I admire a great deal help to. The .5 is one I know little about, but what I do I respect.

Great work, this. Great movie.

Just had to share.

Quick Stop and Update?

I've been so bad at updating this lately, I apologize. Stuff's been crazy (as per usual - can I continue to consider it crazy if it's the norm? Hmmm.)

It looks like the last time I checked in was over a month ago - just before we left for Vancouver. We had an awesome trip, of course. I love the west coast so much. It's tough not to love life when I'm there. When Brian and I go away together we update our travel-blog, so I rarely post the details here as well. Who wants to type everything out twice? So if you are interested in our travels, check twobsinablog.blogspot.com

We've both been working a lot, which is something I know we can't complain about these days, so I won't. I've taken on a new role at work, which is exciting and scary. I'm not sure there's as much training as I'd like. I think I just have to learn it by doing it. And I'm fine at that - I've done it before with other jobs. I just worry, because there's more responsibility with this job than others, so consequences of not excelling at this are bigger than they've been in the past. Make sense? But yes, I know I'll do well because... I just will. So there.

Three friends of mine have had little baby boys recently: Rowan was born in late April, and Graham and Wesley were born in late May. I'm so so happy to report that after some initial worries (yes, for each of the three!) they are all home, healthy and happy! Rowan and Wesley are their mothers' first babies, and baby Graham has a big brother and sister (Kaden and Isabelle). It's so exciting to see these great little families starting and growing!

Unfortunately, on the other end of things, my Grandmother is still not doing well. She's been in the hospital for a couple of months now (as a result of a stroke), and she's still not very responsive. It's looking a bit doubtful that she will actually 'come back' very far. It's really sad for us all. We feel we should be with her, and visiting her often, but she sleeps 90% of the time, and if she's awake, she still doesn't really seem to know we're there. It's so heartbreaking, really. We're waiting for a permanent bed to open up for her somewhere. She's on a waiting list, and apparently it could take anywhere from weeks to years.

Back in our own tiny little lives, Tuesday was Brian's and My 2.5 year anniversary. Yes, I make us celebrate halves. Two nice dinners out a year isn't a huge demand, I don't think. And at least I'm not counting the months anymore. Though on the 9th of each month we'll still say "happy monthiversary" to eachother. Yes, we're dorks. But whatever works, right? Ha.

Brian's currently in Edmonton for work, and in a couple weeks I'll be in Dunvegan and Grande Prairie for my work. And then in July... July. July is insane.

The first weekend of July we're road tripping in BC - Ainsworth Hot Springs and such.
The following weekend is ghost town hunting in Saskatchewan.
The weekend after that, we are going to Vancouver for a No Doubt concert.
The next weekend after that is a secret, and I can't say anything because there are some certain people who may read my blog and I don't want to ruin any surprises...

And then August. The first weekend is the long one, and we're thinking of camping and white water rafting, although we also want to gather a group of people to come with us and we haven't even started planning out the logistics of that one.

And this year we're heading back to Burningman (end of August / beginning of September). Probably our last time until we're 65...

We're possibly about to buy a truck & camper, which is also exciting. That'll aid in many of our little bitty adventures (and burningman). :)

What else, what else?

Oh! Y'know the Bellydancing classes I've been trying to get into for YEARS? Well another one is starting up next week that I'll be attending. As long as 7 other people show up too, so the class can actually run this time... Cross your fingers for me, people!

Okay. Now, it's almost midnight and I need my beauty sleep. :) Thanks for reading along, folks!

West Coast Weekend

To follow along... twobsinablog.blogspot.com

The First Thursday in May

Brigit, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Hello All.

First, I want to start off by rambling on about dreams I had last night because my dreams were vivid, and have stuck with me.

The first part had to do with dive bars and shady people. Trying to fit into a group, but not quite succeeding... Possibly some fair grounds as well... I don't remember much of this first part, but somehow it morphed into...

I'm in a big old beautiful house. There are antiques everywhere, and strange little antique-like things - Chess boards built into tables, etc. Wooden inlaid floors, colors, stories... Then there is a woman. She reminds me of 'the aunt' from Twister. She is warm and loving and maternal - by the end I'm sure she WAS my mother. There was something about discovery of family history. I'm feeling fascinated and overwhelmed by her stories and explanations of what I descended from. Across the street from this house is a little blue cottage on the side of a mountain lake. It's like a little B&B that she runs, and I fawn over it and tell her how wonderful and beautiful it is. Behind the first house, is a great big snowy mountain, and there are wild horses running (and kinda swimming... I actually pointed out to someone - 'Oh look, I didn't know horses could swim in snow like that!') and at some point I hugged 'my mother' and her mother. We were in this 3-way embrace, hugging, and crying - but it was good. Tears of happiness. Makes me think of finally being reunited or finding the answer to a long-time question.

I woke up really tired this morning. Not neccessarily because of my dreams, but possibly partially due to that. I know there was more to my dreams - I feel like I lived an entire lifetime last night!

Of course part of me worries about the whole "hugging and crying and reuniting with my mother and her mother" thing... I mean, it was good but it makes me worry about my grandmother. She is still in the hospital after a stroke a few weeks ago, and she is not doing well. We're not sure she recognizes us, and in some ways we don't recognize her - does that make sense? Anywho, my dream makes me worry in some ways that she'll leave us soon - but then thinking along those lines - should I be afraid for my own life? I'm not, really. Any more so than usual.

Another possible source for that portion of my dream is that I spent some time with my aunt last weekend (my mom's sister), and it was the first time in a long time that we've had one-on-one time. I miss her a lot, and worry that I've hurt or offended her in recent years, but I can't think of what I might have done. I know I hybernate sometimes, so maybe I was afraid of the outside world at a time when she needed me to be a more visible part of the family? I really don't know. But seeing her last weekend was so nice. Definitely a step in the right direction. It was the first time in a long time I've felt a connection to my mom's family (and in some ways my mom) in a long time. And I don't even know if it's the maternal SIDE of my family I've been missing - my counsellor suggested it was WOMEN in my family. Because really, truly, the only blood-family member I remain close to and always have is my dad. Most of my family is female, but they seem far away, like I can't reach them. I've tried for years to reconnect with my little sister, but she closes the door on me again and again. So maybe my aunt is the best person to try to reconnect with, to feel like I have a family again.

These issues, of course, run deeper than this and are more complicated than this (of course - who doesn't have family issues?) but it's something that swirls around inside my brain, so maybe that was a part of where that dream came from... Being happy to feel like I have female family members I can reach out to?

I've been exhausted this week. Brian's in Regina for work, so my routines have been thrown off, which is always exhausting. Plus trouble sleeping, stresses here and there, etc... I've also not been healthy, but I'm sure it's my own fault. Our bodies just react to what we put into them, right? So somehow somethings gone out of whack, I'm sure. I'm trying to focus now and just going back to basics. Keep it simple, natural, KNOW what's in it. Right?

Brian got home last night, and tonight we leave for Vancouver. We'll be spending the mother's day weekend visiting his mother, who lives in White Rock. We're planning to spend a day on the island - which is great, I've never been there before. I LOVE going to places I've never been! Especially a place like this - everyone who's ever known me has warned me that if I ever go to the island, I'll never want to leave. Am I about to add another place to the list of "where I'd rather live than Calgary?"

My friend T and her new tiny baby R are still doing well. He might get to leave the hospital on Monday, which would be AWESOME because I can't wait to meet him!!! He was only born 2 weeks ago, and already I'm like "he's going to grow up and I'm going to miss it!!!" haha.

Aaaanywho, I have a lot of work to do (and my body just wants to sleep, more than anything!!!) but I thought I'd check in and say 'hey'.

Brian and I will likely be updating our little adventure blog here and there this weekend, so if you are interested, come follow along with us at twobsinablog.blogspot.com and otherwise, wish us safety and health in our travels, and I wish it to all of you!

Apres Moi

Apres Moi, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Haven't blogged in a while, figured I should...

The above photo was inspired by Regina Spektor's 'Apres Moi'. I am so deeply in love with that song right now - it is constantly playing in my head. The verse she sings in Russian makes me weak and trembly. Incase you wonder...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bk34WD9d6Og

Regina Spektor rocks my socks.

I've had an intense couple of weeks since my last post. My maternal grandmother suffered a stroke a couple days after my last blog post here. She's not doing well. She's in her late 80's, and I guess the doctors aren't very hopeful. When I saw her last weekend, she was awake for a few minutes at a time, and vaguely seemed to know we were there, but she can't really speak. Apparently she'd been counting in Dutch a bit - one to a hundred, then starting back over at one again. Her brain may be trying to revert to earlier memories - Dutch was her first language. She smiled at me as I was saying goodbye, and my aunt says that's the last time she's smiled. She is now only awake for seconds at a time, and isn't saying more than a general "wha?" she probably doesn't know anyone's there. It's tough to know how much she's aware of. I'm going to go see her again on Saturday. It's hard not to cry.

Around the same time this happened, Brian and I did some yard work and I injured my back. Couldn't move the next day. Went to the doctor, and she gave me some anti-inflammatories and pain killers. I stayed home from work last week until Friday - the thought of sitting at my desk for 8 hours straight was painful. It's mostly better by now, though. I have been at work this week. There's the odd movement that hurts, I just have to be careful. Soon I'll start working on building my core strength back up. Best way to prevent re-injuries.

About a week ago I got a voice mail from the husband of one of my best friends, saying that she went into pre-term labor the night before (over 7 weeks early). The hospital gave her some injections and sent her home. Then she had to go back early the next morning. I got a phone call from him later saying that she was in active labor. He said "I don't know if you are spiritual, but please, if you are - pray for her, and for the little one."

Now, I almost curled up on the floor of the restaurant I was in at the time to cry. This girl is so important to me, I don't know what I would do if anything happened to her or the tiny life inside her. But, knowing that positivity in the universe is so much more important than negativity, I closed out those scary thoughts, and KNEW she and her baby would be okay.

The next evening I got a text saying it's a boy, and a healthy one at that! I squeeled, I laughed, I announced it to those I was with. I can't even put into words how important it is to me that he's healthy and she's healthy, and Oh my God. Really. No words.

He was 4.3 lbs, so pretty tiny - but remember, he was also 7 weeks early. Apparently otherwise he's perfectly healthy. Yes yes yes yes YES. :)

I haven't gotten to meet him yet, he's still in the hospital, as little babies must be for a bit. I can't wait though. And to give his new mom hugs and hugs and hugs. She left me a voice mail at work today, saying she's tired but everything's good. Yay!

I have busy times to come as well...

Tomorrow I've got an engineering intern starting at work, to take over the job I've had for the past 2.5 years, so I can move onto some other things. It'll be good to learn some knew stuff, a change of pace. I'm slightly concerned that we'll both wind up doing both jobs, which can lead to dropped balls, etc. but I want to think positive and just go with the flow. All I can do is wait and see how it all pans out. So I shall.

Saturday I'm having breakfast with my aunt, which'll be good - I haven't had much one-on-one time with her for a long time. After breakfast we'll visit my Grandma.

Also tomorrow, one of Brian's best friends is coming to town from Edmonton, to visit and have a little mini (24 hour) vacation, before his wife is due to give birth in a few weeks. This'll be their third, so he knows that after the baby comes he won't have a break for some time to come. I thought it was pretty brave of him to be leaving town mere weeks before his wife's due, but I guess it was her idea in the first place - and by the third, they know what to expect and when. It'll be good to see him, even if just for a bit. He leaves on Sunday.

As does Brian. He's going to Regina for work. He'll return from there on Wednesday, and on Thursday we leave for Vancouver.

We'll be in Vancouver for the mother's day weekend, visiting Brian's mom in White Rock.

There's more going on beyond that, but that's as far ahead as my brain can think right now. Too much, too much. Gotta keep some boundaries on it, or I will go insane!!! I know it.

*sigh* So tonight is a calm little island before a whole lot starts to happen... No idea what else will appear, because without fail we know life always peppers in more than expected...

I'll try to poke my head up more often, but we'll see.

'Till then, stay good, stay healthy, stay happy. Wishing greatness to all.

Things That I'm Excited About.

I Want To Live In Vancouver., originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Recently, I had a very depressing moment, thinking I had nothing that I was looking forward to. And I know myself well enough to know that one of the things I need in order to be happy, is 'stuff to look forward to'. There has to be some bright point I'm aiming for, or else I get so bored and depressed because I can't see 'the point", and can't care about things, and it's just that slippery downward spiral. But really, truly, I do have a lot of things I'm looking forward to. And these are some of them:

- Spring! Summer! The weather is getting warmer, and that always helps the mental state. Brian and I went for a walk in fish creek last night, and it was AWESOME. I was acting silly and hyper, jumping and skipping, and babbling and joking and laughing, and I literally felt high on the fresh spring air. And I have months and months upcoming of warm weather, weather we can be OUTSIDE in, comfortably, without getting frost bite or wind burn, or any of those other icky winter things. :)

- On Saturday, I'm going to watch sheep shearing at a farm. That is awesome. I've never witnessed such a thing (I'm such a city girl sometimes), and can't wait. It'll afford some GREAT photo opportunities for sure. Apparently there will even be some baby sheep. Cute! And some wool spinners. And lots of mud. :) Just sounds fun, ya know?

- On May 5, Bif Naked's new album (The Promise) comes out, and I'm thrilled for that! I've loved Bif and her work since sitting in the art room in high school listening to 'Lucky' with my friend Melanie. We shared her earbuds, and listened to the one song on repeat. Since then, Bif music has always been a part of my personal soundtrack. So NEW stuff? Awesome. Also, Bif was diagnosed with breast cancer early last year, and she recorded this album during final stages of chemo, and she's just such a super-star and an inspiration. She lives so positively, and she has such an incredible strength, I LOVE so much of what she represents, and I wish there were more role models like her out there! So many people could learn from her (myself included of course)!

- On the mother's day weekend (which is always a sad time for me, obviously) Brian and I will be going to Vancouver (White Rock specifically) to visit his mom. This will be the first Mother's day in 5 years that I've celebrated and honored an actual mother. And I know she's not mine, but aren't all good mothers really everyone's mothers? Plus, I think she'll be thrilled to see us. I think Brian hasn't spent mother's day with his mom for a while. And, mothers aside, Vancouver is just awesome and any excuse to visit is A-OK with me!

- On May 15, my city will FINALLY start picking up curbside recycling in my area. OMG. This is SO long overdue it's ridiculous. I mean, I've only ever lived in this city, so I don't really have much to compare it to, but I hear we're rednecks and this whole recycyling thing is a LONG overdue step in the right direction. We got our "blue bin" this week, and we can finally start to get rid of the plastic that we've had building up for like a year, because we couldn't in good conscience throw it out, and had no facilities AVAILABLE to us.

- On May 16, I'm getting my hair done. I only am allowed 3 hair appointments a year (because they're expensive, and my hair's pretty healthy and doesn't need much), but I love my hairdresser, so it's always a fun day. and even though other people can't usually see a difference (long hair is long hair), I always can tell such a difference and it feels so great.

- On May 18, we get a new Tori Amos album - Not quite Bif, but pretty exciting anyway. :)

- On May 27, Brian and I have tickets to see Rick Mercer live at the Jack Singer. I have no idea what to expect, but we both love that man with a passion - he makes us laugh like no one else on TV does, and I think it'll be just a great night out.

- At some point in June, I have TWO very dear friends giving birth! I haven't seen Dy in years, but we were the best of friends once upon a time, and I still love her dearly. She's having a boy, and she's going to be an awesome mother! And Taryn is a co-worker and a best friend of many years (5-ish?) and we don't know if it'll be a boy or a girl, but either way it's sooooo exciting. I've been waiting for Taryn to have babies for YEARS! And she too is going to be such a wonderful mom! And I'm going to be an obsessive auntie. :) Plus a psychic told me that her baby and I are kindred spirits, and we will know and recognize eachother from the first moment we make eye contact. Yeeeaaaaay Taryn-Baby!!!

- On June 23rd Regina Spektor is releasing a new album (Far) and that has me really excited too. I only just recently discovered and fell in love with her music, but I'm already salivating for new stuff from her! Can't wait.

- On the second weekend in July Brian and I are going ghost-town exploring in Saskatchewan, with a group of other photographers from around the country. It's semi-'guided', but I think it'll be awesome - I think there's something like 13 ghost-towns on the schedule? Plus some light-painting technique at night, which'll be interesting too. AND within Canada, I've never been East of Medicine Hat, so I'm expanding my little travel-box too!!!

- On July 18th, we have tickets to the No Doubt concert in Vancouver! I am thrilled for this as well. Not only have I wanted to see No Doubt in concert for over 10 years, we're seeing it in Vancouver, just for the heck of it. What a great adventure!!! I've only been to concerts in Calgary, so it'll just be awesome.

- We have tickets to Burningman this year as well, which happens just before labor day. We are unsure as-to whether or not we'll use them though. We might find another deserving couple to give them to instead. There are a few factors going into this decision, and it seems really 50/50 right now. We'll see...

- And in a longer-term sense, we've been giving a little more thought to relocating to Vancouver. This isn't a right-away thing, but possibly in the next year or two. We've hummed-and-hawed over it for well over a year now, but I feel fairly sure on my side that it is something I would like to do. It's a controversial decision, I know. And some people will not be happy with it, but hopefully most people will be supportive, and I believe we would be happy with it. But like I say, nothing's written in stone and nothing's even kinda planned yet. But in my mind, I'm working on the things I can start doing, to get us closer to that goal. For me I guess it's mostly focusing on the house, and getting it into peak condition, so when the time comes to sell it, we can get a good price on it... Don't worry, though. It won't be overnight.

*sigh*
I am a very lucky girl and I have an awesome life. I feel less 'free' than I once was, but in some ways I'm far more free now than I was. I have some knowledge/experience/maturity that I didn't have "back in the day", as well as a little more financial stability, and all-around bravery. Which counts for a lot.

Maybe it's spring talking, or Friday, or just a good mood for no reason - but hooray, hooray, how GREAT is life?

Another Belly Dancing Attempt...

Dancer in the Jar, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Last year I was convinced by a friend of mine to give belly dancing a try. It sounds like a fun way to inject an extra bit of activity into my life. I've taken dance classes in the past (jazz, ballroom, ballet) but let's face it - I'm not exactly shaped like a dancer. In the ballet class specifically, I felt like one of those hippo ballerinas. No good.

So belly dancing seemed like a good thing. I even found a friend (N) who was interested in taking it with me. So we showed up on time at the right place, but the class was canceled because they needed 6 people to run a class and only 4 of us showed up. We registered and paid anyway, and were told they'd keep us posted on the next class we could attend.

But then we didn't hear back. Of course, this was spring time, moving into summer - and most classes don't run during that time. Understandable. I didn't want to start a class in the fall, because of my trip to Europe (would have missed at least 3 of the 8 classes), and then it was coming up to Christmas, etc...

But early this year I found that a class was starting in March, and "N" was excited to get back into a class, and another friend of mine, "C" also was interested in joining. So we all three of us signed up.

I had to miss the first class due to an out-of-town conference for work that I couldn't miss, but I figured missing one out of the 8 would be okay.

The day before the second class, something bizarre happened between "C" and I, rendering us unable to be around each other anymore, so I called the dance school and apologized, promising I'd attend the next Intro class.

The next Intro to belly dancing class was to start tonight. Again I showed up at the right place, at the right time, as did 3 other people. This time they needed 8 to run a class - so we were 4 short.

Again we left our e-mail addresses on a list, and were promised we'd be kept in the loop on the next available class...

It's a little frustrating, because I'm already forcing myself to leave my cozy house on a Tuesday night. It's not easy for me to step outside my routine. I have an extremely poor track record with night classes, unless my job depends on them. But I'm older now, wiser perhaps.

I know I need to get out of my routine to get some color back in my life - and I'm trying!

I do really hope that I can eventually get into one of these classes. We got a very short little 30 minute 'demo' class tonight, and in that short time I used muscles I didn't know existed. I'm going to be sore tomorrow, and I love it.

*sigh* Cross your fingers for me, Wish me luck.

April

Playing..., originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I had a good weekend. Got to tag along on a fun photoshoot, went to the farmer's market, and bought a drawing tablet.

I've been wanting a drawing tablet for some time, hoping I can combine drawing with my photography - that's the idea, anyway. I don't have any sort of handle on photoshop to begin with, though - so the learning curve is steep. I have ideas, inspirations, but no knowledge on how to carry them out.

Not to mention energy. I'm feeling incredibly drained, for unknown reasons. I spend all day at work imagining all the beautiful things I'll create when I get home and then by the time I get home I just want to curl up in a little ball and sleep.

I'm having a lot of trouble lately knowing how to live, what to do. How do people decide what to do in their every day lives? We work most of the time, and we can't all have jobs that make our hearts flutter with passion... Can we?

I don't even know what I feel like I should do for a living. I have brainstorms, but they're all SO impractical. Where is that balance found? How do people do it?

I feel like the message lately is to be brave and step outside comfort in order to grow. But when I really think about it, it would be completely stupid of me to change what I do. Not without some reason, some catalyst. But then - could that be seen as me sitting around waiting for opportunity to knock?

How important is it that we let go of our securities in order to thrive? I feel like I've spent my entire adult life trying to be more and more secure in every way - and suddenly the universe is telling me it's all a waste, and I should be stupid and crazy like I wasn't when I was 21?

I don't want to be 21 again. I don't want to party all the time. There's so much about that time that I'm sooo happy to leave behind forever. But the freedom - There was a freedom I had access to, that I refused to take advantage of. I just wanted to be safe, and secure.

Now I spend so much of my life wondering where I would have been - WHO I would have been, if I'd made different choices. If I'd stayed in school and become a teacher. If I'd gone to art school, if I'd traveled on my own, if I'd run away to some place where I knew no one and worked in a little bookstore and lived in a teeny apartment above a cafe.

I know those people don't exist. There's no reason for them to exist. I didn't make those choices, I stayed safe. And there were perks to the choices I made. There were honest and logical reasons I made those decisions, and they were best at the time. And we can only really make decisions based on what we know right now.

So when do we know that it's time to turn everything upside down and try something NEW?

And when we do decide that, and work up the courage and the plan, and make these scary things happen in our lives, how do we know we're doing it for the right reasons? How do we know we're not just running away from things we should be facing?

And the truth, I know, is that we don't know. None of us knows what will or will not happen. We can't know. There's no such thing as black and white. But we have to be brave, and try.

But if I know this (and I'm pretty sure I do), how come all I ever want to do is hide? It's always my first choice. Avoid conflict, remove myself from it, hide. Put up my little walls, and wait for everything to just blow over. Deal with my own hurt and anger and sadness, and let everything external just sort itself out.

I do small things every day that I hope will point me in the right direction. I force myself to be brave about little things. I leave my mind as open and willing as possible, though I have to wonder if living the same days over and over again for years and years and years can even leave you with the option of being truly open-minded.

I've been falling asleep all day, craving my bed so badly. Now it's 11pm, and I suddenly feel wide awake. Isn't that the way it goes? What is it that is so screwed up about my body's clock, that it's always SO tired when it needs to be awake, and gets this burst of energy just as it should be winding down?

Anywho, in accordance with my endless attempt to train my body to behave like it should, I'm going to bed now. Nightmares are pretty-much the norm these days, so I'll wake up distant or worried or afraid, force strength on myself at some point before leaving the house, and face another day, like countless others I've already finished.

And I hope my next post is a little more cheery. Sometimes I piss myself off with the tone of these things, but once I start typing, I don't control it, it just emerges.

Weekend in Banff - March 2009

Love, originally uploaded by Brian U.

There is a new post on Two Bs in a Blog - Get there via my links on the right...

Continuing

Adventure, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

Adventure - that's what it's all about right? Be brave, explore, fall down, get hurt, learn, get up, do it all over again. Right? That's the message I'm recieving from the universe recently, anyway. Just do. Be. Make it happen. It doesn't matter if you don't want to, it doesn't matter if you are afraid. Just get up every morning, put one foot in front of the other. Over and over again.

I've been dreaming two major themes lately: Babies and Italy.

The babies are rarely my own. They are other peoples' babies, but I am holding them, caring for them, in a couple cases even raising them. This likely comes from the fact that I have a couple pregnant friends, and I CAN'T WAIT to meet their new little people!

The Italy dreams are vivid and colorful. I am dreaming over and over again about visiting or living in Italy. Generally when I have these dreams I spend the next day completely obsessed with how I could actually go about moving to Italy. But I lucklily have people around me in my life to talk some sense into me. Until next time I dream it.

Brian and I are taking tomorrow off work, and spending the weekend in Banff. We're staying at a fancy hotel, and plan to have some outdoor adventures, and we'll definitely visit the hot springs, and maybe even take advantage of spa packages at our hotel. Also knowing us, and our love of tasty things, I'm sure we'll have some great meals too.

We used to embark on random little adventures at least monthly, even if it was just driving around Southern Alberta taking pictures and looking for abandoned stuff. Since our trip to Europe in the fall, our only trip was Vancouver over Christmas - which was a little stressful for a few reasons. We are in desparate need of an escape from Calgary, even if it's just a short one.

Today is quiet inside me, because one of Brian's co-workers committed suicide this week. I don't think I ever met him, but it shocked me all the same. Even from a distance, I am so sorry about this. For everyone who was in his life, I hurt for them, and hate that they have to go through the experience of losing him like this. Apparently he had two daughters. I can't even begin to imagine what they are going through. I think they are in their teens. I know what it is like to suddenly lose a parent too soon, but not to suicide. I'm sure it's an entirely different thing, and... Just an unimaginable tragedy.

Music has been very powerful for me lately - I've gone in phases with it all my life, but at its peak, music can be an amazingly strong force in me. I have to be careful with it though, because my favorite music has always been a little on the depressing/emotional side, and it can change my mood in the span of a song - or even a verse. In late January/early February I was afraid to listen to music for fear of what I might hear in it. I've been back to music in the past month or so now, and it absolutely helps me be strong or to understand how things are - but yes, sometimes I'll hear just the wrong song at just the wrong moment, and be completely crushed by the weight of it.

Something I'm finding really fascinating about music these days is how any one song can be taken in SO many different ways. When I was about 15 or 16 I listened to Sarah McLachlan's "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy" over and over and over again for months, and I felt like I understood every word, as though every song on it was written almost directly for me. It helped me through a lot of emotional turmoil, and has always remained an important album for me - And I've noticed that in the past month or so, when I hear songs from that album, I feel like I'm hearing some of them for the first time. Hearing them from different angles, new points-of-view - they are completely new songs.

Ha - and as I'm typing this, listening to my iPod (2500 songs on random), Fear just came on - from the above mentioned album. This song used to move me to tears. It still gives me goosebumps. Woo - yup, goosebumps all up and down me.

I am so deeply in love with music right now. Is there anything more spectacular?

So, in that vein - I've added a Last.fm widget to my blog - it automatically lists the top 7 artists I've listened to in the past week. Apparently I've listened to 3 times as much Regina Spektor as anyone else this week. I believe it.

Regina Spektor is someone I've only recently discovered. I know years ago I had enough people recomend her to me that I searched her out online, but never purchased any of her music. Brian just so happens to have a lot of her music, and I've been listening to her a lot lately. I absolutely love her style. It seems so cute, somehow. Cute, and unapologetic. I'd love to see her live, I feel like it would be difficult not to grin like a fool the whole time. There is humor, but also darkness. She is somehow realistic/blunt but also light-hearted. You can tell she is absolutely brilliant, and that goes a long way in winning my respect.

Speaking of live shows, I'm hoping to see No Doubt either in Calgary or Vancouver when they're around in July. No Doubt was another of my ABSOLUTE favorites when I was in my teens, and I never got to see them live. I'm not a huge fan of Gwen Stefani's solo stuff - it's a little too dance/pop/whatever for my tastes. So I'm really excited that No Doubt is on tour, and perhaps I can see them now, 10 years after I originally fell in love with them.

27

You don't know how lovely you are, originally uploaded by Brian U.

Yesterday was my birthday. I had a good one - Brian had a bouquet of flowers delivered to me at work, and then took me out for dinner at Jaroblue.

Jaroblue is on 17th Ave, and we love it. It's a tapas lounge with an amazing atmosphere, friendly staff, and fantastic food. And we feel it's priced pretty well, too.

We had olives, and smoked sturgeon ravioli, and a grilled pear and blue cheese salad, and atlantic char on tomato kasha and spicy green beans. And I had double cream brie for desert, and Brian had carrot cake. And a bottle of Ravenswood Zin along with it all.

So, 27, 27. I'm in my late 20s. And I know how ridiculous it is to be bothered by that, but I can't help it. I'll get over it, I know.

This year I am hoping to get back into running - I dabble in it here and there, but I would like to reach a new level with it. Nothing serious - I'm not competitive in the least. But I would like to challenge myself a bit with it.

Brian gave me a Nike+iPod as part of my birthday present. Basically there's a chip that goes in your running shoe, and a small attachment you plug into your iPod, and it records all your running stats. Speed, pace, distance, time, calories, etc, etc. I haven't tried it yet, but apparently it'll give you verbal coaching if you want it, as well as things like playing one of your chosen 'power songs' when it detects that you need motivation. Then of course you can log in online and see all sorts of charts and stats on your running progress.

I'm a huge nerd in terms of graphs. I want to graph everything. It's hugely motivating - it's trends and progress I can see.

Also this year I hope to get back into my creativity a bit again. Likely through photography... I'd like to get back into some self portraits - I might even try my hand at making up some characters and writing stories to go with. Dunno yet, but I'm feeling very antsy lately in a way that makes me think I'd like to create something new.

We have no travels planned for the year. We have some ideas, but nothing is realistic yet. We do actually have tickets to Burningman, but we're not really sure we'll use them yet. Also in the running, road trips - always road trips. Alberta, BC. Possibly the states. I'd love to go somewhere tropical, Brian talks a lot about Vegas. We'd both love to go back to Europe, but it likely won't be this year. I'd also really like to see some of Eastern Canada. So basically, we have it narrowed down to Earth.

But we also might just focus close to home this year. We're still working on bathroom renovations, and once that's done we're getting really eager to replace floors, and some windows and of course yard work in the summertime...

Work is a little (a lot) stressful at the moment, but I won't go into detail about that here.

I also just got a program for my computer to manage recipes. It seems like a pretty good little program so-far. I just played around a bit with it tonight, but looks like it'll be really good.

I'm tired and need to aim for bed now though. Just wanted to post a little birthday bit.

Okay

A Slip Between Dimensions, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

To anyone following along, I'm okay. I didn't want to worry anyone, just had to rant. A lot is changing in my world, and that's always scary. But I know it's good too. Everything's gotta change, and hopefully through that you grow. That's the name of the game, right?

What on Earth to say?

Inclinazione, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I don't know what to say. I don't know how to say it. I have no concept who (if anyone) reads this blog, so a certain level of privacy must be maintained... Which is tough when the thoughts swirling in my head are so so deeply personal.

My world has been turned upside down. Something happened that I couldn't have imagined. I mean, there were times I was afraid it would happen, but I truly didn't think it would happen. Not yet, anyway. But it did. And it shattered my world.

I don't know what will happen. I'm in a state of limbo right now. Crying, sleeping, blankly existing. Y'know how sometimes something hurts so much, you just stop feeling it?

I have a really accident-prone friend who says the big injuries usually don't hurt as much as the little ones, because your body can only handle so much pain before it just stops feeling it.

That's kind-of where I'm at, emotionally.

Today is February 1. Tomorrow is Imbolc. I could read into that, but don't know if I'm strong enough to. Which is probably gibberish to anyone reading this, but... I kinda don't care. No offense.

So, since this is the first of the month, I guess it might make sense to set out some ideas of what I hope for this month to bring.

Clarity. Not crystal, because that's asking a bit much in 4 weeks. But... I hope for things to be a little more clear. I hope to comprehend my reality a little better. I have no idea which way everything will go. I have two very obvious answers swirling around in my head, directly opposing one-another.

I am going away next week for work. I hope I can use that time to escape from my personal crap and see things from 'the outside'. I also hope I don't drink too much and become the crazy chick who cries uncontrollably when she drinks. Ha. Actually, I may not drink at all. Part of me just wants to escape reality any way I can, but I also don't exactly feel okay with giving up any level of control.

I am starting Belly dancing classes. Supposed to start this week, but I'll miss my first class. Should give me something to focus on, something fun and active to get me out of my head.

Often times I want to create when I'm hurting, but it requires tapping into my emotions, and everything's still a little too strong to deal with.

I'm not even brave enough to listen to music, or read a book.

I just spin in a little circle thinking and rethinking and crying and sleeping and thinking some more.

Really (and I'm warning this is seriously selfish of me) I am hoping for the apocalypse. Just - let's all just not deal with crap anymore. If 'the big one' hits, we'll never have to deal with anymore pain. Our own, or anyone else's.

Y'know the boom-de-yada commercial on Discovery Channel? It's always given me chills up my spine, and butterflies in my stomach. It fills me with this overwhelming joy of being alive. I can't explain it. But when I saw it today it made me burst into tears, becuase all I could think was "Bullshit."

A good friend of mine sent me a link to http://graceinsmallthings.ning.com/. I'm going to try to take part, because I can use all the help I can get to not let this thing swallow me.

I signed up and only read it briefly, and I might be doing it wrong so-far. But something I read said to start with listing 5 blessings in your life per day. I think Cara does 7 per week. So I dunno. But right now, 'cause I could use a challenge, I'm going to list 5 things.

1. I am physically healthy
2. I have two wonderful furry cats who will love me and cuddle with me regardless of whatever else happens
3. My place of work is understanding about personal emergencies
4. I have friends and family who will support me whether or not they think I'm making the right decisions.
5. There are more people who care about me than I thought.