Thursday, May 07, 2009
The First Thursday in May
Hello All.
First, I want to start off by rambling on about dreams I had last night because my dreams were vivid, and have stuck with me.
The first part had to do with dive bars and shady people. Trying to fit into a group, but not quite succeeding... Possibly some fair grounds as well... I don't remember much of this first part, but somehow it morphed into...
I'm in a big old beautiful house. There are antiques everywhere, and strange little antique-like things - Chess boards built into tables, etc. Wooden inlaid floors, colors, stories... Then there is a woman. She reminds me of 'the aunt' from Twister. She is warm and loving and maternal - by the end I'm sure she WAS my mother. There was something about discovery of family history. I'm feeling fascinated and overwhelmed by her stories and explanations of what I descended from. Across the street from this house is a little blue cottage on the side of a mountain lake. It's like a little B&B that she runs, and I fawn over it and tell her how wonderful and beautiful it is. Behind the first house, is a great big snowy mountain, and there are wild horses running (and kinda swimming... I actually pointed out to someone - 'Oh look, I didn't know horses could swim in snow like that!') and at some point I hugged 'my mother' and her mother. We were in this 3-way embrace, hugging, and crying - but it was good. Tears of happiness. Makes me think of finally being reunited or finding the answer to a long-time question.
I woke up really tired this morning. Not neccessarily because of my dreams, but possibly partially due to that. I know there was more to my dreams - I feel like I lived an entire lifetime last night!
Of course part of me worries about the whole "hugging and crying and reuniting with my mother and her mother" thing... I mean, it was good but it makes me worry about my grandmother. She is still in the hospital after a stroke a few weeks ago, and she is not doing well. We're not sure she recognizes us, and in some ways we don't recognize her - does that make sense? Anywho, my dream makes me worry in some ways that she'll leave us soon - but then thinking along those lines - should I be afraid for my own life? I'm not, really. Any more so than usual.
Another possible source for that portion of my dream is that I spent some time with my aunt last weekend (my mom's sister), and it was the first time in a long time that we've had one-on-one time. I miss her a lot, and worry that I've hurt or offended her in recent years, but I can't think of what I might have done. I know I hybernate sometimes, so maybe I was afraid of the outside world at a time when she needed me to be a more visible part of the family? I really don't know. But seeing her last weekend was so nice. Definitely a step in the right direction. It was the first time in a long time I've felt a connection to my mom's family (and in some ways my mom) in a long time. And I don't even know if it's the maternal SIDE of my family I've been missing - my counsellor suggested it was WOMEN in my family. Because really, truly, the only blood-family member I remain close to and always have is my dad. Most of my family is female, but they seem far away, like I can't reach them. I've tried for years to reconnect with my little sister, but she closes the door on me again and again. So maybe my aunt is the best person to try to reconnect with, to feel like I have a family again.
These issues, of course, run deeper than this and are more complicated than this (of course - who doesn't have family issues?) but it's something that swirls around inside my brain, so maybe that was a part of where that dream came from... Being happy to feel like I have female family members I can reach out to?
I've been exhausted this week. Brian's in Regina for work, so my routines have been thrown off, which is always exhausting. Plus trouble sleeping, stresses here and there, etc... I've also not been healthy, but I'm sure it's my own fault. Our bodies just react to what we put into them, right? So somehow somethings gone out of whack, I'm sure. I'm trying to focus now and just going back to basics. Keep it simple, natural, KNOW what's in it. Right?
Brian got home last night, and tonight we leave for Vancouver. We'll be spending the mother's day weekend visiting his mother, who lives in White Rock. We're planning to spend a day on the island - which is great, I've never been there before. I LOVE going to places I've never been! Especially a place like this - everyone who's ever known me has warned me that if I ever go to the island, I'll never want to leave. Am I about to add another place to the list of "where I'd rather live than Calgary?"
My friend T and her new tiny baby R are still doing well. He might get to leave the hospital on Monday, which would be AWESOME because I can't wait to meet him!!! He was only born 2 weeks ago, and already I'm like "he's going to grow up and I'm going to miss it!!!" haha.
Aaaanywho, I have a lot of work to do (and my body just wants to sleep, more than anything!!!) but I thought I'd check in and say 'hey'.
Brian and I will likely be updating our little adventure blog here and there this weekend, so if you are interested, come follow along with us at twobsinablog.blogspot.com and otherwise, wish us safety and health in our travels, and I wish it to all of you!