Huh.

Do you ever get kinda weirded out by life?

I feel, emotionally like I am at some sort of crossroads. I can't really identify what it is, but I feel suddenly different about so many things. I feel like I need to be creative. I feel like I need to pay attention to my artsy side. I feel almost dishonest with myself or something. I don't know, I can't explain.

I'm starting an art class in January. A drawing class at ACAD. I'm so excited, because I haven't been in an art class in ~10 years. I've been wanting to go to art school all my life. I mean, more than that, even. More than I'm going to go into here.

Somehow I've always had these excuses. These reasons not to do it. I can't even count how many times I've looked at the ACAD calendar, read through all the courses, ranked the classes, planned out which ones to take. But always something would come up. I'd get sick, or busy, or I get focused on something else. I was just never able to get started.

But then I realized, I don't have to have it ALL planned out before I begin. I keep stopping because I can't see how it'll all turn out. I'm not sure what life has in store, and so I don't know what decisions to make about it. But the things I do right now are not just about the future, they're about right now as well.

This is a recurring theme for me, perhaps. I can recall a few times in my life when faced with potentially life-altering decisions, and I make no decision, for fear of making the wrong decision.

This art class is such an exciting thing for me, I can't even describe it. When I finish this class, I'll be better equipped to take another step, even if I still don't know where it will lead. It can't hurt.

There are strange things going on in my family that I don't quite understand yet. And my health is not peak. I am not enamored with my job. These things add to my desire to just close myself off and create. Ugh. Why can't I just be content with the crap I have to do?

Buh. Now I'm just moaning and complaining. Life is weird. That's not news to anyone.

B and I are taking the day off work tomorrow, we might head up to Bragg Creek. He's lived in this city for 15 years, and never been there. It's time.

Oh - PS, last night I dreamt of Vancouver. We moved to Vancouver and were hanging out on the beach. There was a tidal wave, and we had to run down the street to avoid it, but everyone told us not to worry, and that it happens all the time - no biggie. I pointed out to Brian that some children are burying themselves in the sand, under shallow water. We were trying to find help for our friend C (who in actuality we are no longer in contact with, but were close with at one time). We found some sort of park ranger, and when we brought him back to C, he started talking to another woman I didn't recognize. He called her Nicki. I kept telling him, 'no, it's C that needs help, not that other chick'. But he keeps talking to Nicki, trying to help Nicki. I believe at some point in this dream that I was also trying to explain my fear of water to someone.

Early November

I have been feeling sick, and haven't been to work all week. I've been doing exactly nothing, at home. Sleeping, watching crap tv, playing on my laptop. Sleeping. Lots of sleeping.

No, it's not the H1N1 flu. No flu at all, I don't think. Just a cold, probably playing on some thyroid issues. I know my thyroid is out of whack, but my doctor wanted another blood test before she adjusts my synthroid dosage... The plan is next week to get my blood test done, and then see her - though it's no easy task to get an appointment with any doctor at the moment.

I'll be back to work tomorrow... Lots to do. I'm sure I was barely missed, and I know I wasn't the only one away...

I feel very strange emotionally at the moment. I feel on the brink. I feel like I'm finally getting the right idea about some things, yet it's still so far out of reach.

I'm so excited for my drawing class, but it doesn't start until January. I know it'll be here before I know it, but it seems so far away still.

I have paid for some personal fitness sessions with a trainer at the YMCA. I also have promised my little sister I'd join her for some bikram yoga classes. And I am working on stocking up my home workout equipment, and working on making use of it more and more at home. I'm gaining weight as usual, and need to put a cap on it - bring it down a little. And the best way for me to do that is up my physical activity.

But then... This week I was going to go to yoga with Bri, and work out at home each day. Had quite an intense home workout on Sunday, and was so sore I was limping until Wednesday. Plus of course I woke up sick on Monday, which made me even less likely to move in any way.

So now that I'm feeling a little more human, tomorrow I go back to work - one cup of cofffee, then tea or water. One 'treat' (Friday's treat day at my office), reasonable eating habits, and if I am not way too exhausted after work, then a home workout perhaps. Or maybe I should even think about visiting the gym at lunch... Hrm...

That, truly, is all.

And now, I'm about to saunter off to bed.