Duality

Week 18, originally uploaded by Blue I'x.

I know I'm not the only one who feels like they are two different people at times. Work-Me and Home-Me.

Work-Me is an acheiver. Organized, proffesional, driven. I am the one who took an imossible project and moved it further in 2 months than in the previous 2 years. Took a flailing position and made it invaluable. Came to the job with next to no knowledge or experience in the area, and quickly became the go-to-girl in my area. The one with the answers. Making things happen faster, more efficiently, more accurately. Forms, words, numbers. Regulations. These are my domain. At work.

Home-Me is an artist. Scatter-brained, creative, dreamy. The one who drew a star map on her apartment bedroom wall, complete with moving planets, in their actual current positions. Who likes to dress up in costumes and take pictures and read about far-away places and long-ago queens. Beauty, Nick-Nacks. Blue, crystals, kitty-cats, books, wings, tutus. These are who I am. At home.

When someone asks me what I do, I always start with "um". It's not that I don't know. It's not that I'm ashamed. I just don't feel like it has anything to do with who I am.

Who are you? A nurse? A lawyer? A mom? An engineer? A consultant? A writer?

Who am I? I don't know. I can't answer that with "A pipeline regulations tech". That's not who or what I am. It's what I do for most of my life. But it's not ME.

I understand that most of the world isn't doing what they always dreamed of. There would be a lot more rockstars and astronauts and spa-testers if that were the case.

You have to find the right balance, between doing something you enjoy and paying the bills, right? How do you know if you've got the right balance?

My job pays the bills. I know that. I know I wouldn't make this money anywhere else, doing anything else, with my level of formal education and experience. Period.

And I don't mind my job. In fact, I like it. Often very much. But love? Passion? How many people really feel those things towards what they do every day?

I work with great people. I have great respect for my co-workers and employers. I am proud to work for the company I do. But is it passionate and energetic? I'm not so sure.

I get passionate about people, beauty, ideas. Books, art.

I have been struggling with this for a week or two, now. I am usually pretty good at putting the silly ideas out of my head. No, I can't be an artist. I can't own a bookstore coffee shop. I can't design jewelery. I can't be an author. These things are not practical. I know nothing about running a business. I've never written anything long enough to be a book. Is it all a matter of "the grass is greener"?

*sigh* I probably won't ever know, until I'm 88 years old, in my rocking chair - thinking back on everything. Then I'll know if I did it right, or if I could have/should have...