Just thought I'd post a little note to let people know I still exist. I've been sick, sick, sick, lately and my new job is kicking my ass.

I know I'll get healthy again one day, and I know my job-stress HAS to ease-up eventually. So all I've gotta do for now is hang-on, survive, and not get fired in the meantime. Right?

When I feel the panic creeping in on me, I wonder where it came from, what it wants, and why it had to come back. I've done the panic thing, and the depressed thing. And I've dealt with them and sent them away.

And everytime I send them away, I think "good riddance! Never to deal with THEM again!" But they do come back. I suppose there is no permanent fix. But you can make them stay away for longer, or go away faster, as you learn them - Get to know your patterns, understand why and what they are.

But I suppose that even though I think I understand my patterns really well, that doesn't necessarily mean I know how best to deal with them, or alter them.

I look at this afternoon - Tight, twisted, dizzy, short of breath. I thought "wouldn't it be nice to not have to exist? Wouldn't it be great to not have to deal with all this crap? Maybe I should just go away..." I'm not sitting here plotting my own death, but it did startle me to hear the thought skitter through my head. But what is really wrong with this afternoon? Is it really any worse than any other day? Aren't there days that I could have dealt with everything that came my way? Of course. There have certainly been days where I've had far more catastrophe to deal with than today - But today it just hits harder somehow.

What do I want? I don't even know. Hm... What would make today a good day?

Today would be a good day if...
- The guy who's supposed to be training me, would train me.
- The same guy who's supposed to be taking over my old stuff, would take it over already!
- The same freakin' guy didn't make more than twice what I do, while clearly caring FAR less than I do about the task at hand.
- My shirt wasn't itchy
- My pants weren't too big
- I wasn't sick
- My boss didn't get in trouble this morning from his boss, because "fucking guy" won't hand over the task that I'm responsible for. Fucking guy is lazy, so I can't do my shit. So I get in trouble with my boss because he's in trouble with his boss who's in trouble with his boss, who I have a meeting with on Friday so I can fill him in on my "progress". Ha.
- My bra didn't keep undoing itself
- I could afford lunch
- My shoes didn't pinch my toes.
- I didn't have nightmares last night.
- I wasn't such a freakin' whiner.

I hate to bitch, but sometimes it does some good to cry out. Hell, I'm pretty damn sure no one even reads this, so it's not like I'm even whining to anyone real.

I got to work at 8 this morning, and worked through lunch which technically means I should have left here 15 minutes ago. But I have an hour on the c-train ahead of me. I won't get a seat, because I get on the 3rd last downtown stop. I'm dizzy from hunger, and the sway of the train will be fun to navigate.

Sometimes when I'm sick and standing on the train, I glare at the backs of heads of people who are sitting down. I wonder which one of us feels less healthy at that moment. I wonder which one of us had the worst day, who's shoes are less comfy, etc. There are many factors that go into "who should get to sit" But the reality is, if you work on the west end of downtown, you get a seat. If you work on the east end of downtown, you do not. Period.

And now I have the hiccups. How is this fair?

Okay, now I'm going to pull my head out of my ass and list the GOOD things about today...
- Although I wore I white shirt to work today, I didn't spill coffee on it.
- I have half a tank of gas in my car
- I don't have to cook supper, because that's my roommate's job.
- Although I've been sick, I haven't been throwing up or passing out at work
- I'm done filling out my forms for my performance reviews (yes, 2 of them - I get one with the old boss and one with the new boss. Fantastic. But my prep is done, and that's a relief).
- It's October, and I like October in general
- I've pretty-much made it through 11 days of my current paycheck, and only have to get through 7 more before I get paid again. I'm more than halfway there!
- I got here earlier than usual, which allows me to leave earlier than usual. Not that I'm taking advantage of that opportunity...

But I should. I should go home and curl up with my kitty cats. Think happy thoughts.

PS. I tried to post a photo with this, but blogger's not letting me. So I had a decision to make. I could spend another half hour trying to upload this photo, getting more and more pissed off and panicky by the moment, or I could say "fuck it" and go home. I've chosen option 2, because it will best benefit my psyche at this moment in time.