Brian

This weekend was a very scary one for me, in good ways and bad ways. There was a very dark occurence, which scared and saddened me. I can't go into details on it, because they're not my details to share. But I was in a very emotionally difficult place - guilt, fear, anger, disbelief.

I don't know what I would have done without Brian this weekend. I don't know how he did it, but he made me feel safe enough and strong enough to deal with what I had to.

On Saturday night, I had a Ukranian Christmas Dinner to go to at Katherine's place. I wasn't sure I should go. I wasn't sure I could hold off tears for long enough, and my tendency in times of stress is to hide. I discussed it with Brian, and we decided I should go. I'm really glad I did - because it did get my mind off things a little bit, and it felt really good to talk to Katherine. Besides, the dinner was amazing as usual too - I look forward to that meal all year!!!

After dinner at Katherine's, I went over to Brian's. I knocked on his door, and he didn't answer. I knocked again, and still no answer. So I let myself in. His place was dark, except for candles at the top of the stairs, and in the bathroom. I followed the warm, flickering candlelight - and found Brian waiting for me in his 6-foot bathtub, with a big glass of Shiraz.

My heart stopped. My eyes teared up. My legs almost gave-out. I wondered if I was dreaming - or in a movie. How is it possible that this man can be so amazing? I climbed in with him, and he held me, and made me feel safe and calm.

It scares me, how good he makes me feel. How much I crave his smile. There's so much in his beautiful head that dazzles me. I want more and more of him, and every new bit of him I get, makes me love him so much more than I thought possible even moments before. The way he looks at me, the way he talks to me, the way he holds me, make me happily dizzy.

I've always found I sleep better alone - until now. Every time I wake up next to him I want to cry tears of joy. I've been having some nightmares lately, but the moment I wake up, every shred of fear is gone. How can I be afraid, when that beautiful man is here to protect me?

Yesterday morning, as we were lying in bed, trying to find the energy to get up and go to work, "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol came on the radio. I didn't really recognize it, but the lyrics struck me so strongly. We curled up together and held eachother so tightly, as every word gave me another goosebump.

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I am completely blown away by how my personal beliefs have done such a complete 180 in a month. Yesterday I re-read my post from December 5 - Content Today. At that point I was completely convinced that I didn't believe in love. Convinced I never wanted to open myself up to anyone. Convinced that there was no one in the world for me.

4 Days later, I met Brian. I think the universe saw that blog and decided to teach me a lesson. Time to teach this girl that love does exist. Happy, healthy, relationships are real. Who knew?